Me, Myself and I

Happy Birthday again

2009-09-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I let a let a whole year go by without updating once. So much has happened in the past year. I'll update sometime soon.

Dan made a post this morning honoring my birthday and I want to share it here. If it helps one person to think and make a decision to change their circumstances it will be a terrific birthday present for me.
It's concerning domestic violence which is a cause near and dear to my heart because I lived it. This is my own experience. However, often my situation is repeated over and over hundreds of time daily.

The issue needs to come out of the closet and be exposed in the light of day. Abusers will not want you to read my story or anyone else's that tell you there is a way out.
I'm going to tell you the truth, it isn't easy but you can do it.
I'm ordinary; I am just a lady who was a housewife, raised her kids, belonged to PTA, worked at jobs, volunteered. In other words, I did my share of dirty dishes, dirty diapers, laundry and Hamburger Helper back in the days.

Maybe you are like me. I wasn't even aware that my life was filled with abuse until I was ion the thick of it trying to literally save my life.
Usually, you aren't "just in the middle of it one day".
One day may have started when you were a child. Maybe your self esteem and soul were never validated. You weren't allowed to say no because you were female and therefore somehow less important or valuable. You grew up never knowing how to say no because simply you were never taught. Or like in my case, if I dared to say know there were serious repercussions. Some how, somewhere deep inside me there was a tiny dot of independence, survival, and indignant at injustice. I rebelled regardless of the consequences.
I would stand up for my siblings even if I got beat down.
My integrity and character were always in question as if I was the lowest of the low because I dared to stand up to my father. It meant I was going to get the razor strap but it was like the issue was that important. He had other techniques that would lock someone up today for child abuse but was not how it was handled in those days.
He wasn't wrong, I was. I should be more compliant so he wouldn't abuse me.
That set me up for thinking " it's all my fault". All the standard lines abusers use started back in early childhood and if that's all you know it's normal to you. Not pleasant, but normal.
I loved my Dad til the day he died. I saw not just the ugly part of him but the great parts of him. As I got older I learned about the whole man and why he was who he was.
Today, I can't excuse his behavior or say one good thing about it. It was despicable to treat your child, your daughter as he did. He was my role model, my hero. He was the standard by which I would judge all men in my future. if the man who supposedly loved you first and most treated you a certain way surely it was OK if other men in your life treated you the same. No, no, no, no, no. It's wrong. Stinking thinking.
I didn't have have anyone to tell me it's wrong but I'm here now to tell you it's wrong.

I married an abusive, alcoholic man. Really, nothing surprising about it. I did what so many women in my situation do. Somehow, because he was going to college made him seem not so violent and my parents only criteria for him was that he was a " good Catholic boy who was getting an education".
Never, not once was I ever told to marry for love and nothing else. I was never told to to not compromise, to not " settle for".
The few times I ever let on that my husband was abusing me to my parents it became my fault. If I would just shut my mouth, if I would quit making waves, If I would just settle down" as if the abuse was caused by me. It never had anything to do with the abuser.

I'm here to tell you you will never satisfy the abuser. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever be enough. It isn't about you, it's about him (and sometimes her). It's his character flaw, his stinking thinking, his screwed up head, his sociopathic behavior. You need to know he doesn't have a conscience even though he may cry and be " sorry" for harming you after it's over. He really wants to believe it at the time. But, it's not true.
It WILL happen again. And again. And again. The statistics say so. Don't be a fool like me and think somehow you aren't a statistic. You are. No fairy came and hit you on the head with her magic wand and saved you from the statistics regardless how much you want to deny it. In fact, the denial is part of the statistics.
Only until you surround yourself with other victims and especially survivors will you know exactly how ordinary in the scope of abuse your situation is.
Domestic violence knows no social, economic, religious, spiritual,or racial background. Abusers can be male and female. They can be black, white, yellow and red. They can have slanted Asian eyes, brown eyes of Hispanic descent, blue eyes of Nordic descent. They can be fat, skinny, in between.
They can be tall or short or average.
They can be a man of the cloth, your letter carrier, your doctor, your next door neighbor, your child's teacher or soccer coach. It could be your mechanic or plumber, your gardener, your medical assistant at the doctors office, your nail technician, your beautician. it could be your police chief, your mayor, your congressman, your judge.
No one kind of person is exempt. No one income level is exempt. No prestigious position makes one exempt.

When I married my second husband I was thought he was the one who would never hurt me. Although he never physically harmed me he emotionally scarred me. He played the game of telling me what I wanted to hear before we were married. After the ring went on the finger it changed and changed drastically.
I honestly didn't know that his withholding affection, flirting with other women, never being there in a crisis unless I forced the issue, ignoring me as if I didn't exist,(that's one of the worst forms of abuse, btw) were forms of abuse. I just thought he was a cad which he was but I never saw him as abusive because he never physically harmed me.

Circumstances changed and we separated and later divorced. I had an on/off again relationship with the worst abuser of my life.
See, not only does the abusers sickness progress but yours does too. By that time I was beaten down mentally. I was sick and exhausted mentally and physically. Oscar saw me coming. It was like I had a neon light over my head. I was easy prey.
At first he was thoughtful, kind, caring, loving, fun and made me laugh which I hadn't done in a long time.
I thought his "protectiveness" of me was cute, charming and loveable. I didn't realize it was disguised as obsession, manipulation and control.
Later, the hands that had been so kind harmed and hurt me in ways I never thought would be possible from him. The voice that had been so reassuring and caring at first later spewed the most hateful, hurtful,soul scarring words that depleted any dignity I had.
Eventually, this person I thought I would spend my life with, had agreed to marry at one point almost killed me, more than once. I had to develop a strategy for escaping and it took months. I literally had to fear for my life every day, 24 hours a day because I never knew what the next word I would say, the next look I had on my face, even sleeping would set him off. I spent my days anticipating his next and every move only to be foiled over and over again.
And as statistics say it became more frequent and more violent.

Please don't stay if anything I've said rings a chord within yourself. If you see yourself or someone you know in my words call a Domestic Violence hot line or a Women's Center ans ask for help.
You are important, yes, you are worth it. You matter. Be your own best friend. What would you tell a best friend who was living your experience?

I am living proof that you aren't ever too old to help yourself. I was past 50 years old when I escaped to a domestic violence shelter with only the clothes on my back, literally.
It wasn't easy. I had to face a lot about myself I didn't like. I had to see my past for what it was.
When I was first at the shelter I was on a 45 day suicide watch. I was empty inside, void of any feelings, good or bad. I no longer cared. I just wanted life to be over because all I ever knew was this and I no longer wanted to live out " this".

Through the persistence and counseling of very well trained, caring individuals and some were st angers I'll never meet but were benevolent I was taught I could trust again. I could trust myself and others.
It took a long time to believe there were men out there who valued women and cherished the,
God blessed me with one. He came into my life unexpectedly when I wasn't looking and I lead the most extraordinary ordinary life today. I am genuinely happy, content, loved, appreciated, trusted, admired and I laugh everyday now. Genuine good natured laughing, sometimes belly laughs for no more reason than just because I can.
I have a new circle of friendships who don't use me. I now know what true friendships are. I no longer allow toxic people in my life. I can say no and mean it.
I have the authority and final say of how I conduct my life. You can do. I encourage you to embark on a new journey to save yourself.

There is a saying that I agree with; Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Happy Birthday to My Mom! (guest post)

2008-09-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

Today is my Mom's birthday. Like most folks, she was born at a very early age. ;) She's documented many aspects of her life on this blog, and I am very deeply, sincerely proud that God chose her to be my Mom.

I'd like to share a story that was a turning point in my relationship with her.

I remember a big bump we had when I was 15 years old. My sister and I were staying with her that summer in Texas. I became really upset with something she had done that seemed unfair, or it was simply a culmination of things.

I was so mad that I yelled at her and ran away for awhile. I knew I'd come back, but I just needed to be away from her for awhile.

I wound up walking to the neighborhood church. After about 45 minutes of being gone, I went back to her home.

She was waiting for me. I knew I was in for a good talking-to, and I just resented her. But I wanted to be respectful, so I just glared at her for awhile as she rebuked me for running off like I'd done.

I don't really remember specifics. I just remember knowing that my Mom really cared for me, that I'd scared her by running off, and that whatever it was that I was mad at her for wasn't really that important.

I guess in some way, I'd worked out any resentment or bitterness I'd had. Ever since that moment in Texas, I've been really close to my Mom.

Even though she's lived thousands of miles away for most of my life.

I love you, Mom!

"If you'd never been born, well what would you be?
You might be a fish! Or a toad in a tree!
You might be a door knob! Or three baked potatoes!
You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes!
Or worse than all that... why, you might be a
WASN'T!
A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't.
A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present.
But you... you ARE YOU! And now, isn't that pleasant!"
-- Dr. Seuss, from Happy Birthday To You!, via QuotesBlog

Hummingbirds may be racists; finches may be sexist

2008-06-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

In our limited experience and non-membership in the Audubon Society Bob and I have made the decision that it appears hummingbirds are racist and finches are sexist.
Some may say we have way too much time on our hands but it's what you do with the time that is important, right?

Let me give you some background. We have two hummingbird feeders, one off the back patio and one off the front porch.
There is a ruby throated hummingbird that I have named "little chit" instead of the other word. He has taken control of the back feeder.
He sits as a sentry on the chicken wire fence around the green bean plants from as early as 6:30 AM til dark. I mean, if someone needs to get a life, it's him. Seriously.

As soon as any other type hummingbird gets within 20 ft of that feeder he attacks them. It becomes an episode of Snoopy and the Red Baron.
He swoops in with racing speeds of up to 220 miles an hour (I admit I haven't actually clocked it) chasing away any other hummingbird, fly, bee or even a finch.
I have seen almost turf wars out on the patio; I might even be risking my life to do this research, I'm telling ya.
I think some of the Anna's are sort of on to little chit now though. This past week I've seen sometimes maybe 10 come in from different angles and fly around just to get him pi$$ed off.
He can't attack all of them at a time so it is amusing to watch. However, being on the patio while this is taking place can be hair raising or close to hair removing.
They swoop, swirl, sweep and make dive bombing strides at lil chit.

I have no opinion who is better, the Anna's or the ruby throated. I am only an observer.
I give kudos to lil chit for handling his turf so readily and without compromise.

However, the Anna's live by the motto originally made by Rodney King. You know the one, " why can't we all just get along"?
I see often 3-4 Anna's at the front feeder at a time. If even just one is feeding it doesn't get upset if another one comes by to feed. it almost seems the more the merrier in their little group of green chicks, I mean birds.
This is very scientific and I can only hope you appreciate the effort that went into this research; I know the Anna's are friendlier because science backs it up. The front feeder can empty in one day, the back one can take 3-4 days to empty.

Once in an occasional while the Anna's gang up and take over the back feeder for a little while( probably a clue the front feeder is empty now that I think about it). But don't think little chit is happy about it because he isn't-at all, and he makes himself clear.

Now, about the finches. We have taken the hard work away from all you who have to still get out to j-o-b everyday and don't have the time to research this as we do. No, really it's ok. OK, you're welcome!

Let me start with saying finches are one of the greediest animals I've met. You can fill a finch feeder and the next day it has to be filled again. Of course, if Lou next door would keep his filled maybe ours would last a few hours longer!

The real pretty yellow ones are males, right? Well, let me tell you someone needs to teach them about manners and how vinegar doesn't catch the worm or whatever the saying is.
Oh, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar and the early bird catches the worm. Sorry Mom, I didn't think I'd ever forget them. I must be getting old.

Anyway, I digress. That happens when you get old. you also get more gas. Wait a minute where am I going with this.
The finches. OK so the females which are the less pretty but I'm sure more stable of the two are sitting on the perches feeding, minding their own business. Along come a flock of bad boys all pumped on well, finch food I guess, cuz I haven't read about any on steroids yet pushing the womanz off their perches.
I mean come on fellas, these are your baby Mama's after all.

Some females are passive and will just go to a nearby branch and wait their turn but there are a few that must be the bitches because they put up a fight. They get their wings in the way and move around and squawk like there's no tomorrow. I cheer them on.
Like who do those fellas think they are; I mean they aren't that and a bag of chips you know. If you've seen one or two you've seen them all in my opinion. I mean yeah, they're cute, tiny and all that yellow but come on.

Now some other late breaking news: our quail couple has given birth to 14 babies this week. They are just adorable. Mom struts first in line and clucks. then each of the babies follows and Dad brings up the rear.
Bob observed them a couple days ago. Dad was hanging around the garage clucking and finally went inside. Out comes JR running his tiny little 1/16 of an inch legs off. Dad kept shooing him back to the covey.
All total they couldn't be even an inch tall. Just as cute as you want them to be.

A couple weeks ago we had a Mama doe give birth to twin fawns. I have yet to see them but a couple neighbors right near the woods have. The woods id a couple doors down from me in the back. I did see Mama right after birth hunting up some grub but didn't know why she was out there. She was in the neighbors behind me yards eating branches and anything else she could get her teeth on or into. From the time line when I saw however we calculated she had just given birth. I guess I would be pretty hungry too if I were her.

So, that's springtime here in Oroville so far. Hope yours is just as rewarding as ours have been.

Gardening

2008-04-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, again it's been awhile since I posted. I am really going to try to update more frequently.

A couple weeks ago we had Bob's cousins'(The Cuz) handyman come over and till up the back 40 here. Then we added horse manure courtesy of Star, Marty's horse.
I had a set of 9 heirloom tomatoes coming from QVC and was excited to get them in the ground. Well, only 2 made it after transplanting so we went to a local nursery and bought a bunch more.
I recommend in the future not to buy edible plants from anywhere but your local nursery.
Bob and Lou(next door) ordered a set of tomato/potato plants from another catalog place. They are surviving but not really healthy.
It's an interesting concept isn't it?; a tomato plant on top and red potatoes growing underground.

I've also planted about 35 green bean seeds and have a few more to start in a couple weeks. I staggered the planting so we could harvest in spurts. The first 18 are in a whiskey barrel we used before the back 40 got tilled.
Then I planted cucumber seeds, lettuce seeds and transplants I started in a container a couple weeks before tilling.
The cuke seeds aren't cooperating;I may have to get some more.
I saw a couple cantaloupe plants the other day I may just have to go get them and find some room somewhere.

I got a set of 3 rose bushes from QVC about a month ago and they are doing real well. Actually, I have two of them and gave one to Melissa to take back to Hayward. Jon will plant it in his Mom's rose garden when he returns from Iraq in June. It will be a memorial rose since she died in late January.
I still haven't decided where my roses will go. I'm thinking of making them memorial roses too,one for Bob's side of the family and one for mine.
They are a gorgeous pink color on long stems.

It's getting warmer here in northern California. It warmed up a couple weeks ago to low 90's then dipped into 50's and 60's for about a week to 10 days, not today it's going into the 80's again.
Spring has sprung methinks.

Visit to Cincinnati

2008-02-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I last posted. I've been in a deep depression I figured out and was confirmed by my doc last week.
So much has happened since then.

The most significant thing that happened is that Walt didn't make it.He died November 28th. He passed away knowing he was going in for the transplant but he never recovered consciousness. His infections were fatal;a result of the mechanical heart being in too long.
If only a donor had been found sooner maybe he would be alive today.
I can't emphasise enough to sign donor cards or your drivers license,make your wishes known and sign a medical directive or as it's more commonly known, a Living Will.

It was heart wrenching when Ken called and told me he and Julie had decided to take their Dad off life support. We had all talked about it and Walt made his wishes known to the kids before he even went into the hospital and Ken and I had discussed it on the phone several times however when the decision is made and there is no turning back it's devastating.
I can't imagine the kids' feelings at that time. I support them 100% and no one could have had their Dad's interest at heart more than them.
What a wonderful legacy he and Janet left behind in Ken and Julie.
The most amazing brother/sister team I've witnessed.

I went back home to Cincinnati for Walt's funeral. He was buried the day after what would have been his 60th birthday.
I was shocked to see how much my brother suffered evidenced by the bruises left on his body.
He was so thin.And gray. My brother used to have the most full head of brown hair. I know we all age and get gray but his was almost white. Another witness to the suffering his body went through.

I admire we Mitchell's for one thing if nothing else. We pull together when needed.
Something Walt would be proud of but pass off as nothing he had to do with it is that we all came together and let bygones be bygones.
We became a real family again if not the first time in some ways.
I reconnected with my oldest sister and grown nieces. What an amazing,inspiring,awesome group of women they are.
They called me "the fun Aunt"! I guess because I smoked, drank, cussed, told jokes and don't take myself too serious.
Each one remembered something of their youth that I was part of and told me.
You never know what an impact you are having when you are doing but it is inspiring to know you encouraged someone so close to you.
My sister did an amazing job raising her 8 kids alone. And those kids love their Mom so much.

I got to see Dan,Jennie and Keisha while I was there and stayed with them one night. Dan and Keisha were in a play at church so I got to go see them which was a treat. Keisha has become so grown up.
No longer is she the little girl she was when I lived with them in Dayton.
I just love her to pieces and she does me.
Dan and Jennie have done a fine job of raising her through some difficult times.

The only dark spot on the whole trip was when Steph showed up at the funeral home. Looking back,I don't even know why she came.
She had told Mandy on the phone she barely remembered her Uncle Walt.She's had nothing to do with my side of the family including her siblings for years.

I actually got excited when I saw her; you'd think by now I'd know better.I'm the eternal optimist though.
I was talking to some family members and she walked up so I said hello. She couldn't have been more snippy if she tried.
It was not quite so much as embarrassing as it was disgusting. I no longer think that the actions of my children are a reflection of me now that they are all grown and adults living on their own.
I was sad that Steph didn't bring Hanna. Most of us haven't seen her in years. I last saw her when she was 7 and she will be 13 in a couple months. Really, really sad.
Steph probably wasn't at the funeral home more than 5 minutes. I'm not even sure if she properly p-aid her respects to Ken and Julie.
She really showed her butt though and family members who once thought I might be exaggerating her treatment of me and her haughtiness found out who she really was.
I have no idea why that child hates me or as much as she does.I wonder if she even knows anymore.
I told her at the casket after she snipped at me when I mentioned how Uncle Walt suffered I wasn't worth hating that much.
I did cry. I cried for the relationship I wished we had and for her because she apparently is so troubled inside herself. My family made the comment she appears to be a functioning mental health case.
She has always been delusional about ideas that she thinks happened to her.She manufactured things in her mind and then played the victim. She has done this since she was a toddler.
All I can do is pray for her.

Had the whole family not spent the brief time we had together reacquainting ourselves and moving forward it may not have so apparent how Steph was acting.
Little did she know she could have been a part of a bigger loving family if she would have let her defenses down.

Tom didn't make it because apparently he is a high functioning drunk. My oh my how the years can change things. At one time Tom was the poster boy.He was the one Dad wanted us to aspire to be. He was the "successful" one.
And Barb called me before I left California to say she couldn't be there. She doesn't feel like we are her family and isn't close like we want her to be.
I can't dispute her feelings but yet I know her perception is wrong.
I actually began suspecting she may have some autistic tendencies after talking with her.
It would explain some things.
Then there is Pauline. Who knows where she is?
I tried finding her the whole time Walt was sick and couldn't. I don't know where she is but I guess she doesn't care that we don't know because she hasn't contacted anyone for at least 5 years. If nothing else Mary and Dave live in the same house and have the same number and are listed so there really isn't an excuse.

There has been a lot to process and figure out since all this has happened. My doc says I'm still in the anger stage slowly moving into denial. I thought I was into acceptance but maybe I'm not.
I do know I am still mourning. Mourning for my brother and parts of my life that should have been different but aren't.

Spring is coming and that means new life and rebirth. A cleansing of the heart, mind and soul if you will.
I welcome it with open arms. I will get past this.I know that if I know nothing else.

feeling disconnected

2007-11-26T10:28:00.000-08:00

I received an e-mail from my sister this morning and after reading it,I just feel disconnected somehow.
Here is the e-mail which describes my brother's condition at present.

HI Marge,
Just got time for a quick note, I’m already late leaving for work.
Walt is about as critical as you imagined. There are at least 9 IV medications going, all on monitors, He has a continuous EEG checking his brain waves, they are sedating him and want to make sure he doesn’t get too sedated. He has chest tubes draining his chest. ,there is a tube down his throat draining his stomach. He is on a ventilator. There is a bandage covering his chest, but you can see the heart moving under it. It’s weird cause it is really loud, usually you can’t hear a heart beating.
He has a nurse sitting at the foot of his bed watching him constantly. I asked the nurse about the bleeding, she said it wasn’t unusual after they have been on the artificial heart, they have to administer blood thinners and it takes the body a while to recover it’s clotting ability. He had 22 units in surgery and 10 post op.

Yesterday before we left we visited for a couple of minutes. He was a little less sedated, and he was moving his hands and feet a little bit, but never opened his eyes. He is having trouble maintaining his blood pressure, it was 84/42 while we were there, and that was with medicine to keep it up. They are trying to wean the medicine because it is limiting his circulation to his feet, so his feet are mottled purple.

Julie and Ken are real troopers, Julie has been home only about 10 days in the last 3 months. She challenges the doctors when she doesn’t agree with something. Ken said one time they were wheeling him to surgery and she said, I think he has a fever, and the nurse said No he was fine. Julie said Humor me, check his temperature again, and it was 102.8. So they cancelled the surgery that day.

The heart they gave him was a 30 year old, but that is all they would say. The doctor that is overseeing his care, told Ken, “we were really particular that it be a young and fit heart, b/c we knew it was going to really have to work hard to keep your Dad alive”. His heart rate has been in the 120’s for days.

We had a nice visit on Saturday nite, went out to dinner and they back to the hotel lobby where Ken set up a Wii game and we played for 3 hours. It was really nice to reconnect with both of them.

Well , got to go, Keep praying. Walt goes to surgery today to close his chest.

In years past when someone in the family was critically ill, mainly my Mom and Dad we siblings would rally around the one who was ill and support each other.
Situations are such most of us can't do this for Walt.
Some days I wonder if it would make a difference in his recovery if we could do that. Maybe not,buy you wonder.
If he could hear our voices, feel our touch, listen to our memories would it help make him well?

I feel so bad for my neice and nephew to shoulder the burden alone,although they would never see it or call it a burden.I guess what I mean by burden is the extreme weight of carrying the load just between the two of them;the decisions that have to be made,the time spent away from home.

I feel so helpless on the other side of the country and can do nothing physically to help.

I am feeling disconnected from my siblings.There is one I haven't been able to find and another that I leave messages with who doesn't answer calls.

My oldest sister relays the messages to our youngest brother who relays them to the oldest brother.

I e-mail all those I can. I guess I'm missing the physical connection we all had spending time with each other at the hospital in times of crisis.

No one had to explain a history;we all knew the history.These people were the witness of my life spent up to that point and I was to theirs.

This is the first sibling we've had to deal with such a serious illness and the possibility of losing.I don't think any of us are ready to lose our brother.I know I'm not.

I am optimistic of Walt's recovery.I have to be.However, what a process this for all of us to learn patience and faith in the waiting.It is surely a lesson in learning that all things happen in God's time and His isn't Eastern,Central,Mountain or Pacific.

I feel like I am in a fog today. Like I'm going through the motions but not really involved,therefore disconnected.

It's as if I am anticipating something but don't know what the something is yet.

All I can really do is pray and pray I have, earnestly.And almost everyone who knows me is praying with us.

Jesus said, "wherever two or more are gathered in my name there I shall be".I picture all of us praying for Walt crowded in his room and we feel the power of the Holy Spirit working and filling us with his love and promise.

I guess these are my thoughts today as we await another report later today.

Thoughts of my brother

2007-11-23T09:14:00.000-08:00

Some may know my brother Walt has been very sick and fighting a battle with heart disease.
He was diagnosed many years ago, maybe 20, with cardiomyopathy. This is the same thing my Mother contracted and died from, my oldest brother has it and Walt's son has been diagnosed with it.

Walt became very ill last December and was admitted to Christ Hospital in Cincinnati several times. Eventually the doctors there could do no more for him and arrangements were made for him to go to the Cleveland Clinic to await a heart transplant. This was last July.

Walt has had a rough row to hoe since he's been there.
Early on he was to be transplanted but as it turned out the donor heart was a good match but an unhealthy heart.
He was having lots of ups and downs, sometimes more downs than ups.
Eventually, his heart was sick enough and no donor heart available so they removed all but a small section of his diseased heart to hook him up to a mechanical heart, which we call his artificial heart.
One of the side effects of the mechanical heart is serious infection which he developed.

After the mechanical heart, which by the way is a huge machine almost 5 ft tall that would sit at the foot of his bed and wires and tubes connected inside his chest, he lost over 100 lbs of fluid that had built up inside his body from the heart not functioning.

Soon after that he was able to get on a treadmill and begin a limited exercise program to rebuild his strength. I would call him and it was astounding the change in his voice.
At first he was so weak he sounded like a 90 yr old man barely able to talk.
By late last week he was just about his old self again.

Tuesday night into early Wednesday morning, he was transplanted with a donor heart. We assume the donor was a male between the ages of 30-35 because that's what we were told would be what the surgeons and transplant team felt would be best for him.

Almost immediately after transplantation he developed serious complications. He was bleeding profusely and required 20 litres of blood that day. When they opened him up they discovered the infection was much worse than they expected to find. He developed a high fever and his white blood count was very high.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving Day, he became more ill. He became extremely septic and they put him on dialysis, risking his kidneys to save his life.They were giving him megadoses of every antibiotic they could which could blow out his kidneys.
We were told to prepare for the worst.

It was a somber Thanksgiving for all the Mitchell's. His son and daughter were at the hospital alone waiting for news of their Dad instead of home having a happy celebration with their families.
I tried to focus on what there was to be thankful for and there were many things I thought of.

I live a good life;I live in a free country and because of that enjoy freedoms others don't have;I have healthy children and grandchildren; although I may not be as healthy as I could be my ailments are not life threatening;I have access to good medical care and medicine;I have a really great guy in my life who treats me like a queen;I have a beautiful home in a great neighborhood,with many terrific neighbors who have become friends;I get to volunteer at a place that is spectacularly beautiful and have great people that I volunteer with;I get to go back in time to history of the 1850's and recreate events for the folks who visit and especially the children. I have been able to travel;I have had some utterly sad things happen to me however I've learned great lessons so I value these as well. I have an internet community of friends that couldn't be closer even though most of us have never met and never will.They even included my brother and our family in their Thanksgiving blessings.
These are the things I focused on during my Thanksgiving day.

I've thought about my brother a lot of course in the recent months.I guess when you are threatened with losing someone from your life you tend to do that.otherwise,we tend to just take people for granted and think they'll always be there and we'll get to them tomorrow. It's when we get close too running out of tomorrows that realize how precious someone else's life is to our own.

My earliest memories of my brother are of sharing time with our dog,Lady who was an apricot colored cocker spaniel.
She was such a good dog, my best friend at that time.
There used to be a picture of Pat(my oldest sister), Walt, myself and Lady on the front porch of our childhood home.I'm guessing I was not quite 2, so Walt would have been maybe 7. It must have been in the fall because we were bundled up in heavy jackets and had headscarves and hats on. There was no snow on the ground and I don't recall we were wearing mittens or gloves.

Other memories of Walt that aren't so good was when he was drowning turtles my sisters and I had found downstairs in the stationary tub in the basement. He would kill snails with salt or a magnifying glass in the summer,he would fight with me every chance he had.Physically fight.
One time, I guess I must have been maybe 13,on a Saturday morning I changed the TV channel to something we younger kids were used to watching.Walt was usually working on Saturday mornings and I don't remember why he was home that day.Maybe he was sick.
He became so angry with me for changing the channel he got up and started choking me. Honest to God, bona fide strangling me.
My Mom came in the room and was yelling at him to stop, hitting his arms and he kept up. I was turning blue and losing consciousness and finally he quit.

He would skip school at the Polumbo Apartments where his girlfriend Janet (who later became his wife) lived at the time. He would make fun of me for going to school.
Later when I was skipping and got caught and my Dad was ashamed of me "because no one in our family EVER skipped school" I kept my mouth shut about Walt.To my Dad's dying day I don't think he ever knew.

Walt did some other unkind things to me that were abusive but I don't want to discuss them.
As teens we didn't have a very nice or happy existence.
I recall as if it was yesterday the morning he was leaving for Ft. Benning,GA when he was drafted.
This was during the Vietnam era and I realized my brother could be killed at war.
Real life came into clear focus that morning. I didn't hate my brother,I hated the things he did.
We sat at the bottom of the steps in the hallway and talked for awhile.
We both forgave each other perceived wrongs and made a truce that has lasted to this day.
That was in August,1968.

He came home on leave in December,1968 to get married to Janet and I was in the wedding. he left January 2nd for Germany. Janet joined him in February and they lived there when Ken was born the next February and she came home when Ken was few months old and Walt came home shortly after.
I was married the following October, Halloween night to be exact and my then husband and myself and Walt and Janet became best friends.
We lived within a few blocks of each other and within a few blocks of our parents,and my oldest sister.
Being around family was an everyday occurrence.
Actually, Janet and I were friends since I was 13 yrs old until she passed away a few years ago.

I admit I wasn't in contact as much with my brother those next years as I should have been. I did call a few times but few and far between.
I lived far away and like other things in life,one day turns into the next,one week turns into the next and then it's months and years. You always think there is going to be tomorrows.

My brother is the type that everyone considers friendly. Once you've met him you don't forget him.
I can't tell you the times we'd be out together and he would run into someone he knew in the service, someone he knew in school, someone he knew through a job.

For a few years he had a beer route out in the suburbs where we all eventually moved when we bought homes.
He was much loved and well thought of on his beer route. he serviced his customers as he would have wanted to be serviced had the shoe been on the other foot.
He was more than conscience. I wish I knew how many Sundays I saw him in stores on his route checking his displays, going to the back room to add to the displays when the product was dwindling.
I don't think I've ever heard someone talk trash about him his whole adult life.

I've been told by Ken even his coworkers from Kroger's warehouse and bottling plant where he eventually worked after the beer route have sent him cards and good wishes. They call and check up on him and he hasn't worked there in more than a year.

I would know anywhere my brother's voice;he has always as long as I can remember had this tic of clearing his throat while he talks.
Another memory I have of him when we were real little,I guess maybe he was 6-7 yrs old so I would have been 2-3. For some reason he needed to spell the word Carlotta.There was a family across with that name.
For whatever reason he got on the phone and called the operator. I can still hear it.
"I am just a little boy and I don't know how to spell Carlotta". That became a family joke for years and years and years. He hated it but we loved it.

In high school somehow someone gave him the nickname "Moose". I don't recall how it got started but he hated that too. Of course, knowing he hated it I called him that every chance I could. Sisters are like that.

One of the most special memories I have of my brother and my sister-in-law was when I was going through the first divorce. My soon to be ex had kidnapped my kids from me and was suing for custody. To say I was despondent would be an understatement.
At this point Janet concocted this idea for me.Walt and her to go kidnap my kids back.
We thought out the plan. Walt was off because it had snowed and iced that morning. they had an old station wagon.
So off we went to the exes house and I knew he had the lady next door watching my kids. She was supposed to be a friend of mine but I guess she liked being his mistress more.
I knew we had no more than 10 minutes to get the kids and any stuff out of the exes house before he would have been called at work and gotten home.
While I was inside Diane's house grabbing my kids, threatening to kill her if she tried to stop me, Walt and Janet were scurrying through my old house gathering items I had written down for the kids and placing them in the back of their car.
At just the right moment we jumped back into the car and headed to my apartment and got inside and locked the door.
Sure enough, pound,pound, pound on the door. The soon to be ex was fuming. I had outsmarted him and he didn't think I had it in me.
Possession was 9/10ths of the law for the custody case. I had possession.
I will be forever grateful to my brother and sister-in-law for helping me that day.
After Big Dan left we hurried out to the car and got all the stuff inside and then they went home. Me and my kids were safe.

So many memories of being together. They'd come to my house,we go to theirs.
We watched the kids grow up. We joined forces to help my Dad when he was sick.
So many memories.

I pray today that Walt is allowed to get better and go home and reunite with his family and friends and we are able to make new memories.
He and I have already talked about him visiting me here in California. he and his Yorkie, Mitch.
Maybe other family members will visit with him too.
We still have lots of living to do.I'm not ready for my brother to be gone from my life but will accept it if the Good Lord decides to take him Home.
He will be missed. he will be mourned.
And he would be embarrassed that he was.
He wouldn't want to believe he had that effect on so many people.

If anyone reading this believes in miracles and the power of prayer,please believe in a miracle and pray for my brother and his family.
We want him home for Christmas and we believe with god, all things ARE possible.

For four months now my brother hasn't eaten at a table, showered or gone to the bathroom by himself in private, smelled fresh air, felt the sunshine, heard raindrops,pet his dog, worn street clothes. His view has been of a new building being contrustected next to the building he's in.

I believe he should be healthy and go home and poop scoop drop droppings, shovel snow,rake leaves, clean his refrigerator and toilet, pay the sky high prices for gas. he should be able to complain about the high cost of food, the high price of heating his home.
He should be able to cheer on his grandson at a football game, be made to have tea parties with his granddaughter.
He should have to endure long phone conversations with me.
He should have to mow his lawn next spring and water his flowers.
In other words he should have a normal life like everyone else.

I pray our heavenly Father sees it this way too. If not, I know Janet and my Mom and Dad will be waiting for him as he crosses over and that is the way it will have to be. I will have to be thankful for no more suffering and that he has peace.

I love you Walt and am selfish that I want you around for another 20 years.

Skidmark Cards

2007-10-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

A lady on one of my message boards has a brother-in-law who makes these cards.
It's in tribute to her daughter,who committed suicide last year and 100% of the proceeds go to fund domestic violence women's shelters.
http://myskidmarkcards.com/

These cards are a smart a$$ and tongue in cheek way of breaking up. They are not nasty, hurtful,(well,I guess you received one you'd be hurt), or profane.In fact,they lend to the humorous side,although again,if you received one you may not find the humor.

I can see teenagers or college aged kids using these a lot.And some adults if they have a real sense of humor.

It's ironic I was given this link today because I had wanted to comment on domestic violence in teens.
It is so prevalent yet swept under the carpet.

A young gal wants to fit in and be part of a relationship,if possible,part of the "in" crowd.
She will allow herself to be mistreated verbally,physically,spiritually just to be part of something.
Teens want to blend in and fit in.it's the time in their life they rebel against parents,rules,the system and anything else they can think up.
The one time a teen gal needs to listen to her parents she is most likely not to.

She will even try to hide the symptoms of abuse from her parents and family.If confronted,she will be angry they would even think such a thing.
If she is blessed she will have a friend who looks out for her,that is willing to risk the friendship and speak to an adult.
Most of her friends are too self-absorbed to care or don't want to create waves.They feel their own relationships are in jeopardy if they speak out.
Often,the boyfriend of the victim is the friend of her friend.
If the friend speaks out,she risks losing her own relationship because of it.

This same scenario can play out in gay relationships as well as heterosexual relationships.
In a gay relationship the teen is isolated already because they don't want to come out of the closet and then further isolated because of the abuse.
In both the abuser will try to isolate his victim from family and friends convincing the victim they are are no good for her.
He will manipulate situations to make her think his thinking is correct.

There is the issue of date rape in teen situations.
It isn't always just "dating" but in established relationships too.
He will control her and if she says no will be abused in some way and forced to comply.
Anytime sex is not consensual without force it is rape.If any young women see this,please hear my words.
Your body is your body.It's not his.He doesn't own you therefore he doesn't have the right to "take" what is his.
It isn't love,it's lust.
Love does not harm. Sometimes your feelings hurt or your heart breaks but love does not harm.
Regardless what he says,listen to me,it's a bunch of bullmalarkey.

This same young man who willingly abuses you is likely to walk away and abandon you if you become pregnant. Practice safe sex.Practice it for your future.Practice it for your health.Practice it because you are important enough.
I won't preach about premarital sex although I prefer you'd wait.
If you are choosing to play like an adult then be prepared to pay the consequences-alone.He will not stand by you,regardless what he says to you now.

Do not take on his guilt or his consequences.When he says he is sorry because.... or he wishes he hadn't but.... or if you had only..... or if you had.... or if your would.....
he is full of it.
It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
He has a personality disorder and you'd be best to recognize it now and get away.
Get some counseling to look within yourself and figure out why you were attracted to this personality.
If you don't you are doomed to repeat the same thing over again and again until you do.
Be smarter than some of us adult women who didn't figure it out until we were much older.

And if he says he will kill himself or others if you don't stay with him,it's a load of crap.
If he is going to kill himself he would find another victim or excuse.He is drawing attention and wants you to be victimized further.
Please,please,please tell a person in authority if he would make that threat.It's your responsibility and obligation to do so.
It isn't your responsibility if he takes his own life on his terms. It would be sad and a shock but it isn't your fault.

You don't have to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself. I know you think you do.
You can be half of a whole and have holes in your life.Trust me,I know this well.
Be your own best friend.What would you advise your best friend if she were in the same situation and then take your own advice.
Don't stay in isolation.There is no reason to hold onto the shame. That's the abuser further tormenting you.Bring it out into the light and lie no longer has life.

If even one teen sees this and it makes a difference it will be worth it to me.If I can help one teen stop the cycle of violence in her life then it was worth it.

I am a victor,not a victim

2007-10-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

The last few posts concerned how I ended up in a domestic violence situation,what some of the signs are and what it's like to live through it.

This time I want to give the end of the story or as it is today.

Upon leaving the shelter I still had challenges. My abuser was told by someone who meant well and didn't understand the situation where I was and my new phone number.

To say it struck fear in my heart would be an understatement. Everytime there was a knock at the door I froze.Everytime I heard a strange noise in the middle of the night I panicked.

Everytime I left the apartment I felt I had to watch everywhere afraid he's be lurking somewhere.

I had no car and depended on the kindness of a couple gals I met while in shelter and my daughter Mandy.She would give up one of her off days to ride me around to go to doctor appointments,shop and generally just hang out.

I can't even explain how good that was for my soul.

After being estranged from her for that long while it was really special.

It came about that I knew Bob,my present partner.It's a long story that I don't want to get into in this space but I implemented all I had learned in this new relationship.

I wasn't any easy mark this time.

I was skeptical,untrusting,suspicious, looked for red flags.They had told me in shelter during therapy that there were good men out there and when I changed how I was I'd attract them to me.I hardly believed it.

I knew there were good men,don't get me wrong, but that "I" would find one I was less than hopeful and to tell you the truth,I wasn't looking either.

I had made up my mind that I could live happily relationship free the rest of my life.

I had been married twice,had other relationships,been around the block a couple times,had children and grandchildren so what did I need to get tangled up in another relationship?

So, God in His infinite wisdom and with a bountiful sense of humor had other plans.

Just as life was progressing Bob pops into my life.

At first,we were just phone buddies, just developing a friendship and that was more than fine with me.

He was in California and I was in TX so it was safe.

Truthfully,I had suspicions he could be making up most of what he said about himself knowing we'd never meet in person,so I played along.

In time I figured out he was for real and he found out I was for real.

We talked endlessly on the phone,I had unlimited long distance and we both had cell phones that had unlimited night minutes.The time change between us worked in out favor.

We exchanged mail too.

After a few months he felt it was time for us to meet.He could fly to Houston or I could go to CA. I just instinctively knew I'd be OK if I went out there.Of course,everyone who knew me thought I was making foolish judgements again and hadn't learned a thing.I could empathise with them and would have felt the same way if I was them.

My theory was this,if he even got close to hurting me I would be so angry with him and myself I wouldn't have wanted to be him. I wasn't going to just be a victim anymore.

And,I had never been to CA before and the likelihood of me ever making it were slim to none.

I wanted to see San Fransisco. It was an all expenses paid trip so what the heck.

Everyone back in TX had my itinerary and I checked in daily.

From the moment we met after me coming off the plane it was as if we were old friends who had been separated a few weeks.

We spent 10 days together and they went fast.Too fast. I didn't want to leave which surprised me. And he didn't want me to leave which surprised him.

He said he needed me to go back home to see if he would really miss me. I thought that was refreshing and healthy.

So home I went and resumed my life. And we continued to talk daily as we had.

We covered every possible subject that could be covered.

I logged over 27000 minutes on my landline alone in all the talking we did.

We figured that's more than some married couples talk in 20 years.

After a month he confronted me with the possibility of me moving to CA;he was still working so it wasn't even a possibility that he would move to TX.

He was a native Californian so he wasn't going to leave the state.Besides that,I'm the risk taker and adventurer between us and I really had nothing holding me to TX anymore. He had a job,home and a life here. I had no real estate,a no where part time job and kids who were grown leading their own lives as they should.

I thought about it for another month to make sure I wasn't making a rash decision.

We honestly loved each other in a mature way.We respected,admired,trusted each other.

As complicated as it should have been, it wasn't.

I wanted to share my life with him more than I wanted to remain in TX for the status quo.

I received counseling during the time to make sure this was a healthy decision. I prayed long and hard about it. I did a lot of soul searching during that time.

And mid-December I was living in CA.

I've not regretted it.It has been a terrific life for me here.
A year after arriving here Bob retired and we moved to Oroville.
I love this little town and all it's rich history.
I've made a few very good friends and a best friend,besides Bob, in the process. She and I are like sisters. Not taking anything away from my birth sisters;Sandi is my Oroville sister.
We have almost everything in common,it's kind of spooky in a way.

Bob and I together couldn't be happier. I can't even remember the last disagreement we've had.We never argue.
We are tuned into each other so well that we really don't get on each other's nerves. he does his thing,I do mine and we do a lot together. It's a good balance.

He treats me like a queen.He is generous to a fault sometimes.He spoils me rotten to the point I tell my friends to check my expiration date!
And, I'm equally as good to him. We both have quirks and idiosyncrasies but we make them work between us.
Neither of us are perfect and the important thing is we know it and accept it about each other.

And, we laugh everyday,many times a day.I mean belly laughs and almost wet your pants laughs.
We appreciate each other and the life we've created together.

My hope to anyone who sees themselves as a victim of domestic violence and abuse to consider all your options.
Maybe you were like me at one point and trying desperately to hang onto a dream of the kind of relationship you wanted and were attempting to have.
You struggled, tolerated and finally settled for less than thinking it was your lot in live.

You don't have to. Jesus said,"I came to give you life and give it more abundantly".
He doesn't lie.
Had it not been for my tremendous faith and belief system I can't imagine surviving those years.
Somehow,I knew I was never alone.Somehow,I knew "I could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me".
Like the saying says," Jesus doesn't bring you to it without leading you through it".

The best example of the difference in my life is twice in the past few months it was pointed out to me "that I seemed to be really happy now".Once by my ex in TX at the birth of my second grandson and once by brother needing the heart transplant.

I have no bitterness,resentment,hatred or animosity to those who hurt and harmed me.That's not for me to judge.
It happened,it's over, I've moved on and I love myself so much now it would not happen to me again.
I do not allow toxic people in my space or my life.I don't have to. I set boundaries now.

It's in some ways a lifetime ago that life I used to have.In fact,I refer to it now as "my other life".
I am optimistic, hopeful and full of true joy everyday.
I wake up praising God I got to live to see another day,to see another sunrise and hope to see the sunset that day.I give thanks for my abundance of blessings.
I pray to God to send the angels to surround myself and those I love each and every day.

You may think it's odd, unusual or that I'm deceiving myself that I don't hate those who harmed me.
Were I to hang onto that it closes space in my heart for the true blessings to bestowed on me.If I hold onto hatred there is no room for love.
Frankly, none of them are worth that price to me to pay.
I paid my dues already.
I am the winner,the victor.

I have about as perfect a life one could hope for now.
If I can do it you can too. Your story will be different from my story.Your outcome can be the same.

Reach into yourself and find that shred of something that still lives in you and hang onto it.
All of us have that shred because we are nurturers.That's part of why we end up in the situations we do.
We try our best to take care of everyone else thinking and believing we aren't as important.
It's lie. Just as the abuser lies to us, we lie to ourselves.
The reality is we can't really take care of others well unless we are taking care of ourselves first.
It isn't selfish; it's self-preservation.

What are we teaching our children about love if we can't even love ourselves?
Somewhere inside us is that injured soul that belongs to the little girl we once were.She is still there waiting for us to come love her enough.

I want you to have what I have and that is what is in the Scripture: to have the peace that surpasses all understanding.
It's possible.It's always possible.

Thoughts from a survivor

2007-10-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

The last two posts were very graphic about what abuse can be like,more specifically,mine.

For each victim there will be a different story however threads of similarity run through each one.

It starts out benign. A comment made here and there;almost could be taken one way or another and if you were to call the person out they would make you believe you were wrong.

Later,a slap or some other physical manifestation of abuse.

Money is controlled because money is power.

Time is controlled;the abuser wants to account for your every minute even during times that should be private like in the bathroom.Knocks on the door,"what are you doing in there" or "how long does it take"?

Your way of dress or even buying clothing is questioned.Your makeup,hair, jewelry and nails are brought into question.

Your friendships are questioned. Slowly, you let each one fall by the wayside because you are convinced there really are ulterior motives behind each one.Or,it just isn't worth it to argue over anymore.

Sometimes,even family relationships fall by the wayside because the abuser finds fault or you are hiding the awful truth of how you REALLY live.

You are suspect at your workplace.You must be having an affair.

You are timed to go shopping and the mileage checked.You must be having an affair.

If you talk to neighbors without the abuser present you must be telling them "our" business.

You start hearing nothing you do is right.The way you cook,the way you keep house,the way you talk, the way you care for your children and the way you are a lover.

No one could be as incompetent as you.

You are called names.The mouth of the one who professes to love you can spew such hatred and venom you don't even recognize this person.

You are humiliated,embarrassed, and invalidated.

Meanwhile your self- worth is diminishing.

Your self-esteem is almost nonexistant.

You are so tired.Extremely exhausted and fatigued.

The daily barrage of hatred and abuse is taking it's toll.You muster up whatever you can to get through each day,wondering how you will find what you need for tomorrow.

The physical abuse starts. You are shocked that the hands of one who once treated you as a treasure now can hurt you so bad. It's actually a surprise at first.

He promises it will never happen again and you believe it.But,it does happen again.And again.And again.......

It never relents.

In some cases the abuse can take years to escalate and others months.

The only fact is it DOES escalate-always.

We stay because after the abuse there is the honeymoon phase or cooling off period.

There can be absolute bliss. It's as if the abuse never happened.And,we easily want to forget it.

We desperately want to believe it will never happen again.But,it does.We think we want to stay together "for the kids sake".

What we don't realize is the kids are severely impacted by our choice.

They are witnessing violence on a daily basis.

We would give our life to protect them from an outsider harming or hurting them but we subject them to violence daily.

We protect them from violence on TV but they see it played out in their home.

All in the name of love.

We want to hang on because we remember the good times.And,maybe everyday isn't a bad day so we fool ourselves.

What we aren't realizing is it isn't the relationship we now have we want to hang onto but the dream of what we wanted it to be.

We lose respect for ourselves.Our children lose respect for us. Our extended families,friends and coworkers lose respect for us.

They love us and are fearful for us but respect is nonexistent because no one understands what is really happening.

We live in fear. Fear of when the next incident will happen.Fear of letting down our guard. Fear of what those close to us will think if they knew. Fear of the family disintegrating.

Fear of the unknown if we changed our circumstances.

We make excuses. We make pacts with the devil. If this happens again I'll do...

Next time.... If he ever hurts my kids.... I'll never.... If ever... and so on.

And we always break our pact and then our self-esteem lowers and lowers.

We say will make some calls to find out our options and then don't.That would be admitting it was out of hand and we had to do something about it.

We see PSA's on TV and secretly we listen carefully,making a mental note but still do nothing.

We go to our doctor's appointments and see pamphlets about the subject.We quickly throw one into our purse intending to read it later but we don't.

We hear news reports where someone is murdered during an act of domestic violence and say how sorry we are for the victim, maybe even offering a prayer.We speak out about what a sorry S.O.B. the abuser is not wanting to admit the one we live with has the same potential.We may even be arrogant enough to think it will never happen to us,or, it only happens to poor people or uneducated people or drug users.

The fact is it can happen to anyone of any race,economic or educational background.Domestic violence is an equal opportunity scourge.

Who is an abuser?

He can be your clergy,your doctor,your attorney,your letter carrier,your mechanic. He can be your next door neighbor,your cousin, your brother,your son. He can be your father and yes,he can be your husband,your lover,your confidante,your so called soulmate.

And there can be instances it can be your mother,your sister,your teacher,your nurse,your secretary.Men are abused too and are victims of domestic violence.

In some ways,it's worse for them because society expects them to be macho,strong,head of the house.

What do you mean "your old lady beats you up.I'd kick her ass if it was me". That's even if he has enough guts to admit it 's happening to anyone.

It happens in gay relationships.

It can be sibling against sibling.It can be roommates.

Domestic violence has no boundaries. Only you can make your own boundaries.

If you see yourself in any of the situations I've described I can only encourage you to call a crisis hotline for help.Tell someone.Your clergy.Your doctor,Your nurse. Just tell someone who will help you.

It will be frightening when you hear yourself say the words to another person.It will almost be foreign to hear the words spoken you have only thought about inside your own head.

It will seem incredible to have a voice in the matter.

It's almost gut wrenching to know once you speak it out you can never go back to keeping the secret,to pretending.

If I accomplish nothing more,I want you to know once you go through hell you can come out on the other side intact.

Easy, no. Worth it, yes.

If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Break the silence; make the call.

Related tags: domestic+violence, domestic+abuse, domestic+violence+stories

Why doesn't she leave-Part 2

2007-10-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,I discussed my story and how it was I ended up in a domestic violence situation.

I apologize it 's long but felt I had to do it that way to give the background how someone gets into that situation.

I feel once folks know how it can happen they can be compassionate and proactive when it happens.

I left you with my total despair at the loss of my marriage and how used I was by my then husband.

He had not one compassionate bone in his body at that moment. I didn't even recognize this person I had known almost a quarter of a century.

I waited for the end to come without saying a word.I didn't want to live and I wanted to never feel the hurt I had felt all my life again.

I was silent,mute.

I guess I drifted into unconsciousness. I, of course, don't remember.

I am told it was longer than an hour before he called 911.He didn't want to be embarrassed because we both belonged to the local fire department and the paramedics would know us.

I am also told he left me alone and went to the local Walgreens to purchase syrup of Ipecac to make me vomit the contents of my stomach.

I know you should never induce vomiting in an unconscious person and he knew it too.He was a certified EMT.

To this day I have a few friends who think he should be guilty of attempted murder.

Apparently,I was taken to the hospital and my stomach pumped and was given some kind of charcoal stuff to absorb what might be left in my system.As a side note, let me tell you that is bad stuff and would keep me from ever attempting it again.

I came to in the afternoon with my family and a couple friends in the room.

I was so disgusted with myself that I had failed and would live to be hurt over and over again.I knew I could never have whatever it took to do this again.

Paul tried to apologize for his words pushing me over the edge but I just couldn't believe he was truly remorseful.I somehow knew his hurting me would go and on if I allowed him back into my life.I remember vaguely screaming at him to leave.

I was transferred to a psychiatric hospital on the other side of Houston.I was told by Paul when he and the kids came to visit me 2 days later that it was 58 miles one way and didn't intend to make a second trip.

I was hospitalized for a week.

In that time I met another patient.He was intriguing to me. He wasn't really like so many of the other patients.His illness wasn't outward.Neither was mine. To just observe us we didn't manifest mental illness symptoms.

I was diagnosed with acute clinical depression and bipolar disorder.

I really had no idea what bipolar was or what it meant even though I had a brother who was schizophrenic and bipolar. I knew most of the symptoms I had witnessed with him were from the schizophrenia;I really didn't know the bipolar symptoms and I was grateful I had only inherited the bipolar disorder. I learned that bipolar is/can be hereditary.

The staff after hearing my life history said they were not surprised I was there but surprised it had taken so long for me to to get there.

During my stay I became friendly with this man,Oscar. I could have an intelligent conversation.He wasn't hitting on me. He seemed quiet and in control. He liked to play rummy as I did so we played game after game.

At that time,in my insane state I felt he was a good friend.

It came time for us to be released.I called Paul because I didn't know anyone else to call to come pick me up and take me to my condo.

My car was parked there and I had no cash on me.

He refused.

My only other option I knew was to take a taxi and stop and get the money from the ATM and it would take just about all I had in my account.It was my only alternative.

Oscar had been working with the powers that be at the institution to provide him transportation but he really had no place to go home to.

So between us we cooked up this hare-brained idea that made perfect sense at the time for him to get the transportation and he could come home with me.

It was coming up on 4th of July weekend, a few days before it was Mandy's birthday and I knew she wouldn't speak to me.None of the family would.

I was virtually alone and lonely.

I was afraid to be alone with myself.Not just afraid,terrified.I couldn't promise I wouldn't harm myself again.

I was so grateful to have someone with me,to be accountable to;someone who understood what I was going through,to watch me.To get me help if I needed it.

To this day I believe I owe him my life for if it hadn't been for him I doubt I'd be alive.

I couldn't have cared any less about myself at that time.

We began a deep friendship. I was out of work due to the mental state for a few weeks receiving outpatient care.

We spent hours upon hours sharing our life histories and how we got to where we were at that time.

He was Christian as was I.We shared a faith that was a bond between us.

He had financial resources I didn't have.

For his living there he got cable turned on,helped me with bills since I was out of work. My savings was depleted from the wedding and I wouldn't get my short term disability check until after I returned to work. I knew it took forever to get it.

I was between a rock and hard place and so was Oscar. I could scratch his back and he could scratch mine.

Eventually, I returned to work and he stayed home and took care of cleaning, laundry and cooking and seemed to enjoy it.

After a few months I came home to him gone and no word where he was.

That was the beginning of a long,hard process of learning what it was to live with a drug addict.

That was his demon, drugs-crack cocaine to be specific.

He would disappear for a couple days and return and be remorseful and not use again for months.

After each time when he'd return it would be bliss, happiness, contentment. I wanted to believe each time was the last time.

After awhile it was feeling we were falling in love as strange as it may be.

We wanted to believe it was a "God thing" that we had found each other.

We went to church, did our Bible study every day, watched Christian TV, listened to Christian music.

No one else I had been involved with professed his love for Jesus the way this man did.

We were an interracial couple and had abuse from the outside world but it didn't bother us.

I never thought about the color of his skin. He was just like me in my eyes.

He seemed in tune with me. He knew when I was down or tired or frazzled.

He offered comfort where the others abandoned me at those times and sought out the comfort of others.

He was letting me see into himself in a very personal way.

I was building a relationship with his family whereas mine had left me in the dust because "I was crazy".

It might be contagious and it sure as hell was uncomfortable and a stigma attached.

As much as I invited them into my world as it was then no one obliged.

The kids didn't check on me to see if I needed anything.

I was extremely hurt but just stuffed it down and went on with life as it was.

More and more I became dependant on Oscar.

He was the only family I had at that time.

I was accepted,warts and all.

He treated me as an equal.

We would laugh and joke around.

We took long car rides and discovered new places neither of us knew before.

We took walks in the park near the house every day.We had picnics and fed the ducks.

We developed friendships unrelated to our past lives before we knew each other.

He bought my clothes and had excellent taste. He would laugh at my goof ups and we developed our own private jokes.

We said grace before meals and knelt at the bed and prayed together before bedtime.Our faith grew stronger and much of our lives was centered around church.

I was living the life I thought I always wanted.

We grew closer and closer.

Eventually, we were engaged. Our church was helping plan a wedding when we were ready. We received counseling from our pastor to prepare for the marriage.

Meanwhile the only of my four children who had contact with me was Dan.

He never gave up on me, unconditional love for his Mom.

Then he would go out and use again and the cycle would start all over.He was sorry.We'd pray harder. We became more involved in church.

I became sicker with my fibromyalgia and its symptoms which were many.

He encouraged me to leave my job.I eventually did and began working back at a convenience store around the corner from the house.I had worked there before and it seemed suited to me.

He's take me to work,even though I could walk, it was so close. He'd cook breakfast for me before work if I worked in the morning.He'd cook lunch or dinner if I worked a later shift.

He's pick me up after work.

He's run all the errands. He took care of the bills so I didn't have to worry about it.

I became even sicker.

He eventually talked me into quitting work and he would support me.After all, we were going to be married.

He helped me file for SSD so I could have my own income and get medical benefits.

What I didn't know and understand at the time he was grooming me for domestic violence.

It was classic.

He began to be verbally abusive at times.He would convince me it was my fault in one way or another.

He controlled the finances since I didn't work.

He bought the groceries and took over the responsibilities of the bills.

He became possessive.At first it was kind of cute because no one had ever "cared" about me like that.It quickly became a nuisance.

He began to accuse me of things that weren't happening.He gained further control over my everyday life. When we would take walks he constanly accused me of looking at other men.I learned to walk with my head down.From his insane perspective he believed it was real no matter how hard I convinced him it wasn't.He would punch me in the head for looking at other people.I dreaded running into someone I knew because I knew they'd want to stop and have a friendly conversation but I would have hell to pay later.

Now,instead of walking for fun it became a chore,I had to because he insisted.The picnics and feeding the ducks stopped.

The long drives ceased. Any shopping on my part stopped because he couldn't afford it or decided it wasn't worthwhile.Also.I would be accused of flirting while I was away from him.
There were times he'd want me to walk to the convenience store to get cigarettes but I was timed.If I wasn't back in 7 minutes I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant when I got home. You might wonder why I didn't use those opportunities to get away.I was terrified if it didn't work he's find me and kill me and harm whomever helped me.
I did call my ex once;he lived less than 5 minutes away.He refused me any help.All I wanted was trasportation to get far enough away he couldn't find me.

My friendships were stopping because he'd point out how this one and that one were trying to cause trouble.

The verbal abuse started included name calling and vile cursing,worse than ever.The venom that came from his mouth was unbelievable, demeaning and humiliating.

The church attendance was forced;it was controlled.I could only belong to whatever group he decided was worthwhile.

He came to every doctors appointment I had and came into the rooms with me.He determined if this doctor or that doctor was treating me satisfactorily.At first it seemed he did have my best interest at heart because a couple of them were negligible.After awhile it was a control issue.

In the early years he was very sympathetic and understanding of my health issues.

As time wore on he said I was using it for attention.

He became frustrated and angry that my SSD wasn't forthcoming and I had to appeal and reappeal.

I drew out my 401 K to help with the finances.I cashed in stock I had while working.

He began to throw up to me I wasn't helping but repaying him for what he'd spent already so I still owed him.

I became severely depressed and despondent.Trying to anticipate his moods and outbursts taxed whatever physical energy I had. His outbursts were more frequent,then daily,then almost hourly.
Always, he proclained love for me.

He eventually said he wanted me to leave.I had gone back to work very part time,15 hours a week at a little restaurant in the neighborhood.

Dan and Jennie were gracious enough to allow me to come live with them in Ohio.I took what little money I had and what little he so "generously" gave to me complete with a tirade and left TX for Ohio.

I was rid of him I thought.

He called every day,more than once a day.If we weren't home or asleep he left messages.The messages became more belligerent.

On one hand he wanted me out of his life and the other he still wanted the control.

Dan And Jennie were in a financial crisis themselves the whole time I was there.I was ill and couldn't work and knew I was a drain on them although they never would have thought of me as that way.

It came time they had to move into an apartment and I couldn't have them incur more expense because I was with them.I would pray and pray my SSD would get settled so I could help them out.It didn't come through for a couple more years.

While I was in OH Oscar suffered a couple heart attacks and had reconstructive knee surgery.

At the time Dan and Jennie were making plans to move he presented me with an offer.

He had moved to a bigger place and he needed in home care.

Why didn't I come back and we would live as roommates and I could help with his physical care for a place to stay.

At that point it seemed like the most feasible plan I could come up with.

The very day I returned as he picked me up from the bus station (I had left my car with Dan and Jennie) instead of going straight home,Oscar made a run into Houston for drugs.Never had he done them at home before when I was with him nor had he ever done them around me.I was now a captive audience in the truest sense of the word.

I was drawn into the life of a crack addict in full blown using.It was frightening to me.The paranoia he had was enough to keep me in a constant state of alert.

I couldn't believe how rundown and shoddy the furniture we had purchased together had become while I was away.

No real food in the house. The place was shabby and unkempt.

The extra bedroom that was supposed to be ready for me when I arrived was bare;I was to sleep on the couch.

I couldn't have the TV on due to his paranoia.He checked the windows and doors every 5 minutes literally.Blankets were up anywhere he thought someone could see in even places that made no sense but I learned quickly not to question.

I couldn't get a drink of water or use the bathroom without him becoming increasingly angry claiming I made too much noise.

I fell asleep on the couch only to wake up to him rummaging through my purse to see if I had money he could get at to go get more drugs.

The next day he was somewhat more stable and went to a church to collect a couple bags of food for us to eat.Never had he stooped so low when I had been with him before.

Each day became increasingly worse.He made contacts for his drug dealer in order to get drugs.His health was affected.He basically never groomed.

He was terribly verbally abusive in ways I never knew he could be before.

He became cruel,downright cruel. He withheld anything he thought I would want and most of what I needed. Nothing I could do was correct.No matter what I thought it was wrong.
He would wait til I was asleep and take my blanket saying I didn't deserve one.I hadn't earned it.

The verbal abuse turned into financial and psychological abuse.

It was affecting my health in a very negative way and that didn't matter to him.I was again seeking attention.

I was shaking all the time and becoming more impaired in my thought process having to constantly second guess him never knowing what would set him off. I was scared for myself because my thinking was so impaired.I literally had to think second by second afraid I'd do something else to irrate him and set him off again.

Then it turned physical.I don't even remember the first time he hit me what it was for because once he did it the first time it's like it opened the floodgates.

I became the scapegoat for every wrong that had ever happened to him in his entire life.

The physical abuse was unrelenting.

I knew I had to get away;I just had to figure out how.

At first it was just a seed I had planted in my head.

He controlled every minute of my days.

He decided what medicine I could take and how it was dispensed.At times he tried to overdose me and I would bar my mouth and he would squeeze my face until he could get it into my mouth.

I would hold it under my tongue and wait til I could get to the bathroom and spit it out.Sometimes I ended up having it dissolve in my mouth because he would even follow me into the bathroom.It was his paranoia.

He determined if I could bathe and groom myself.

He removed the shower curtain of the bathroom I used and would watch me take a bath and make sure I "wasn't taking too long".

My IBS symptoms were at an all time high.He accused me of faking that too.

He accused me of faking the effects of my medicine.

He determined when and if I could eat.He barred me from the kitchen.It was "his" food,"his" kitchen.He was paying for it.

All the while he continued to use the drugs and often forcing me to go with him when he went on his runs. I saw the worse of the worst of downtown Houston and all the filth and seediness that accompanies those who frequent that behavior.

He would make his score and then put them into my purse so if he was caught or stopped I would take the fall instead of him.

I can't tell you how many prayers I prayed during those times.

Finally,one Friday afternoon after a drug run he was being chased down by someone involved with the drugs,I guess it was a drug dealer.He was speeding through this seedy area of Houston,taking chances,car on two wheels,going the wrong way on one way streets trying to lose this character.This seemed to last forever but I guess in reality it was 20-30 minutes.

I just couldn't believe somehow I had allowed myself to get into this mess.

As luck or as I prefer to believe Divine Providence set in.

His car overheated and he still continued to use the car until the engine blew on I-45 in downtown Houston in rush hour traffic.

I had decided even if I was caught with the drugs being in jail was better than living with him.

He got the car to the side of the road and eventually a wrecker came by and he negotiated a deal to get us and the car home.

He used worse than ever that night.Then he was in a rage when it was gone.

Somehow,that was all my fault and he began to beat on me as if his life depended on it.

I didn't think it was going to stop. He choked me and as I would find out later that would happen with more and more frequency.My glasses became mangled.

He determined if I could have a cup of coffee in the mornings.He knew that was one of the things I enjoyed so he used it against me.After a couple weeks I got smart and acted like I didn't want it anymore.Then he forced me to drink cup after cup.

I had no appetite because my stomach was torn into knots.He would force me to eat by holding my mouth open.

I constantly shook from nerves.Of course,I was doing that to annoy him.He didn't like the way I breathed. I had to force myself to take shallow breaths as quietly as I could.Sometimes it didn't work and I'd get smacked in the head.

If I spoke without his permission I was punched across the mouth.I was cowering and withdrawing more and more into myself.

He didn't like the way I did laundry or cleaned the house even though before he would praise me and brag to others how well I did.

Eventually,I wasn't allowed to attend church anymore because I was too much a sinner and God didn't even want to see me in His house.I wasn't worthy.

He'd come home from church and check star 69 to see if I had called anyone.

Trust me I thought about calling for help when he was gone but knew if help didn't come before he returned my life was in jeopardy.

One Sunday he did have me attend church with him again. He had fallen asleep during the sermon.When we were walking home he berated me for not waking him up.I had tried a couple times and decided to just let him sleep as long as he wasn't snoring.I knew while he was sleeping he wouldn't hurt me.

On the way home he became extremely agitated at me and started hitting me and yanking my hair pulling on me behind him.

As we were cutting through the park he raised his cane at me and I could see in his eyes he could have killed me.I started running until I could find a place to hide.

I stayed there for I don't know how long trying to think of what I should do.

I knew it would be a perfect time to escape but all my things were at the house.I didn't even have my purse.

I finally got up the nerve to return.It was getting cold and I didn't have a sweater with me.

Of course, needless to say I took a behomoth of a beating that evening.

I need to interject in the early stages of the physical abuse he was always sorry and promised it would never happen again and I wanted to believe him.

Towards the end he was never sorry and was sorrier he hadn't hit me harder.

Shortly after that Sunday it became even worse.

He began to knock me into furniture and my legs and arms would have cuts and scrapes.He'd knock me to the floor and kick me. He's pick me up and sling me into the wall.He pick me up again and drag me by my hair.He'd spit on me. He'd find things to abuse me with.He'd pour hot water on me or freezing cold water on me and then shove me outside on the balcony.I would be shivering.

He would shove my head into the toilet and flush it and I'd think I was going to drown.

He would heat up the burners on the stove and put my hand on the hot burner.He'd burn me with cigarettes or the lighter.

He would put hot sauce in my mouth and not let me have water.

He would put pillows over my face trying to smother me.

He would stomp on my fingers and toes.He'd pull on my breasts so hard I wanted to scream but didn't.

Too many times I had so many bruises and cuts that he had to keep me isolated.If someone came over he made me hide in a closet. It was nothing for me to have black eyes, puffed up lips and bloodied nose.

He would wake me up out of a deep sleep and pull me by my clothes and drag me across the floor or throw me into the wall repeatedly and punch and kick me all the time berating me,cursing me, my family,my friends and tell me how useless I was.

After time I was so beaten up and beaten down mentally I didn't care if I lived or died anymore.

He bought the movie "Seven" and forced me to watch it no less than three times a day so I could "see" myself as the seven sins.

He would make me repeat the dialogue over and over.

To this day it's hard for me to watch the actors in that movie in something else and not see them as those characters.

He threatened my family who still lived in TX. He would tell me how he would find them and what he would do when he did.I believed he would.I knew he could.

Just when I would think it couldn't get worse it would.

He started accusing me of poisoning his food.How,I don't know.With what he never told me.

He became even more violent if that was possible.

He began cutting me.He would stab me with a fork when I was caught off guard.

He would repeatedly rape me. He would hold my head down and force me to perform oral sex.

It was almost impossible for me to physically fight back although there were times I tried.

I am 5 ft tall and at that time I guess I was about 150 lbs. he was 6 ft 2 in tall and weighed 325.

It wasn't hard for him to overpower me.

I continued to try to formulate a plan in my head with whatever senses I still had, to escape.I guess my planning was a 2 month process.

It was after Halloween, through Thanksgiving (which by the way was chicken and a can of green beans),and finally my day came December 23rd.

I had a doctors appointment and the landlady was taking me and dropping me off and going to pick me up later.I was to call when I was ready.

I went into my closet and told my possesions good-bye.The few things I had that had survived the flood and I was able to accumulate again.My children's few pictures,a couple rings I intended to pass onto my daughters.

I had the clothes on my back and a jean jacket and my Bible.I didn't need a heavy coat if I was going to be in Maddie's car going to and from the doctor and I knew he would be suspicious.

When I got to the doctors I told them I was a victim of domestic violence and they checked me out.They called the shelter and I was interviewed to make sure this was what I wanted to do.

One of the nurses put me in her car and drove me to the meeting up place for me to be picked up.

The true location of the shelter is never disclosed and to this day I wouldn't divulge its exact location.

I was mentally so beaten down when I entered the shelter they kept me on a sucide watch for 45 days.It wasn't so much that I would harm myself again but that I wouldn't prevent harm if it came to me.As an example,if I were crossing the street and a car was coming at me I wouldn't have jumped out of the way.If I had been diagnosed with cancer I wouldn't have chosen treatment.

Through much therapy and counseling and hard work on my part I got my head straight.I learned why I had made the choices I did based on what I had learned throughout my childhood.

I learned that even though I was an educated person and well read it didn't mean I was able to see the abuse for what it was until it was too late.

Abuse is insiedeous. it starts begnign and escalates.

To me, most abuse looked normal because it was what I had grown up with and as a matter of fact, most of my neighborhood lived under similar circumstances.

I wanted to be loved and accepted for who I was and not just for what I did so bad I'd subject myself to any good story that came down the pike.

I regret that my children were subjected to all this while growing up.I can never go back and change it.

I can only hope my example can show them it's never too late to get help if you need it.I also hope we have broken the silence within the family and we adhere to no more secrets and that I have broken the cycle of violence they have been exposed to.

So why doesn't she leave? She has been beaten down,controlled,manipulated and been threatened.Only until the survival instinct takes over will she likely be able to leave and not go back.

Statistics show that a woman may leave 7-10 times before she can stay away for good.

She feels she has no alternative.

She feels she is worthless and no one would care.

She likely has few resources left available to her.

Her emotional state is fragile and her thinking is askew.

There are many reasons why she won't leave.

And the saddest statistic is that a woman is most unsafe when she has made the decison to leave and does.

We only have to look at Cheryl Dawson to find that statistic is true.

My life is totally different today. I make good choices now.

The relationship I am in today is healthy.

It's hard for me to go back and remember those days just a few years ago.It's painful and I get sick thinking of them.

It was painful to relive them in my writing this.

If even one woman can see herself in my situation and make the choice to get help then it was worth it.

It can stop with you. It doesn't have to continue a lifetime.I was 51 years old the day I entered shelter.It's never too late.

Update: If you or someone you know is in a Domestic Violence situation, please have them call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Related tags: onevoicewalk, one+voice+walk, domestic+violence, domestic+abuse, domestic+violence+stories

Why doesn't she just leave?

2007-10-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am listening to my son Dan's podcast he taped at the One voice Walk in memory of Cheryl Dawson and other victims of domestic violence.

One victim gives her account of her life living with her abuser.
Her story could be many victims accounts.
Pieces of it could be mine.

I have hesitated to write details of my abuse because I've wanted to shield my children from hearing what their Mother was living.
I wanted to spare them the hurt,pain and embarrassment I perceive they would feel.

I guess I need to start at the beginning. It didn't start in the months preceding my entering a domestic violence women's center or shelter as it is known.

It started in my childhood,I guess it would be fair to say actually at my birth.
I was not planned,my Mother's fifth living child.Her first was stillborn and I truly believe his death shaped the family dynamics forever.

I was premature and cost the family in fiances they were hard pressed to afford.The other kids could be treated by a general physician,I required a pediatrician.
I was always reminded of the circumstances at my birth and early months every birthday and any other occasion my Dad deemed necessary.

I grew up feeling by my mere existence I owed a great debt to my family.I felt ashamed to have caused so much trouble.
Some of my earliest memories are ways I tried to compensate however inept I was at that age.

I never asked for a need to be met.I of course would never expect a want to be taken care.
I tried to eat as little as I could so there would be more for the rest of the siblings.
I took on the responsibility of the 4 younger siblings who followed me at preschool age.
I tried my best to be intuitive of the needs of my family and met them the best I could sometimes before they even knew they needed them.
I grew up a scapegoat and people pleaser.

I was verbally abused almost on a daily basis by my father and even my older brothers.I was reminded that I was an inconvenience.
I will never forget the words of one brother who said to me "when we were told of your impending birth I thought great; it meant we'd have more of nothing".

My father became physically abusive to the point of cruelty as I got older.
I suffered sexual abuse at an early age,my first memories are of age 4 until I was almost married at age 17.
My father was not my sexual abuser but other male members of my immediate family.
I was told once that by using me it kept his girlfriend from becoming pregnant.
I was told I owed it to him by another.
I was told it was happening to protect the little ones.And,even if I told, no one would believe me which turned out to be true at the age of 44 when I finally told my Dad.

One evening the physical abuse by my Dad was so severe he threw me from room to room and my Mom stood by and watched.As a Mother myself,I can't imagine choosing to let someone harm one of my children right before my eyes and not stepping in to stop it.
I don't know if she felt I deserved it,felt too afraid herself to step in but I will never forget her just standing in the doorway and my eyes pleading with her to do something.
I was truly afraid in his rage he would kill me.
I had cuts on my face from hitting the objects I was thrown against and my jaw was badly bruised.I was 15 years old.
He threw me out of the house and even though others interceded on my behalf he had me thrown into the juvenile hall that night.
I slept on a cold floor with a thin blanket and mat and fought off two lesbians.That was my first encounter with that type of sexuality.Until then I hadn't even known it existed.
I loved my Dad but hated him at the same time.

Because of the molestation I suffered from depression and had bouts of rage.My Dad constantly was punishing me for my "temper".
Of course, I know now the relevance of the acting out but back then had no idea why I was the way I was.
The behavior only reinforced how much of a drain I was on my family.
In those days male children had much more importance than female children had anyway and a difficult female child had even less worth.
I attempted suicide more times than I can count.
I became street smart and dared anyone to confront me.
My Mother would say I'd go where angels dared to tread.
I became notorious for my aggressive behavior as if it was a badge of honor.
Finally,I had found a voice.I had become somebody;I wasn't invisible.
I hated it but relished in it at the same time.
I also was what we now know as anorexic.It didn't have the name back then.

Fast forward to first marriage.It also was abusive.As I've learned, no wonder I made that choice.
I learned in therapy we make some of the choices we do in order to psychologically work out unfinished business with someone else such as a parent.You've heard the saying,"she married her father".True.
I was married at 17.I was pregnant.Not by accident but by choice.
I confronted my Mother that summer we wanted to be married because we knew things were progressing to a physical state of no return.
I was told "there would be only one way I'd be married before I finished high school".
So I took that avenue.
In my immature way I saw it as an out of the family home.
After all, he loved me and I'd live happily ever after.

Only days into the marriage I saw a side of this person I had known 2 years already that I didn't see before.
A few months into the marriage I found evidence of adultery.
A year into the marriage I learned it was the start of physical abuse,financial abuse,emotional abuse and spiritual abuse.
In some ways this was even more devastating than living with my family because I chose this life.In my birth family I had no choice.

The children came along,Dan and his sister.In my mind he was a good Dad because he didn't hurt his children.What else did I have to compare to?
He was a lousy husband but we were Catholic and divorce was not heard of.You made your bed so you had to lay in it.

The abuse became more harsh and frequent.I was thrown down the steps.I was punched repeatedly.My jaw was broken once.
Bruises,black eyes,dislocation of joints were frequent.of course,I made excuses and hid what I could.
He was always sorry afterwards.That somehow made it tolerable.
I later learned that's the honeymoon phase of the cycle of violence.
At least he was admitting he was sorry which was something my Dad never did.
So that had to mean he genuinely loved me,I thought.
I never understood how vital the "but" that followed the "I'm sorry's" was.
Anytime an apology is followed by a "but" it negates the statement preceding it.
But,if I hadn't,but if I had,Bit if I would or wouldn't.....

Eventually the marriage fell apart and he filed for divorce.I counter filed and a custody battle ensued.It took months for it to end and was harrowing at times.
The thought of losing my kids was unthinkable and sent me into nervous episodes I could hardly function.He did kidnap the kids once right from my arms while their little fingers were gouged into my skin.I was physically unable to stop him.
He found where I was because I was talked into believing a cop I could trust him.To this day I remember his face and his name.And,I've had somewhat a distrust of law enforcement ever since.
Eventually I prevailed.
The financial abuse continued through irregular support payments.He stole my car away from the parking lot of my apartment complex the night before our divorce hearing.

He made promises never kept that he would help with this or that for the kids.
I learned to be self-sufficient and not depend on him or any man for that matter.

Meanwhile, one of our firemen buddies became a close family friend and we began a romantic liaison after my divorce.
He was a kind and gentle man,very compassionate,very patient, very interested in me and my children and helpful sometimes at a moments notice.He was dependable and I believed I began to love him and he proclaimed to be in love with me.He was the total opposite of what I knew and I found him refreshing.
He begged me to marry him just about on a weekly basis.

During that time I was advised by the child support division to confront my ex about delinquent payments of child support.
How insane that advice was but believing in authority I bought the lie hook,line and sinker.After all,you should be able to trust authority that they know what they are doing.

Long story short,he threw me over the steps and I could see the hatred and anger and rage in his eyes as he did it.I knew if I landed on the basement steps I would die and I had to get Dan and Steph out of there.I twisted my body hard as I could to go into the opposite direction and landed on the landing by the door.I was paralyzed on my whole left side.
He was screaming and cursing me to get up and get out.I told him I couldn't,that I was paralyzed.He ran down the steps,opened the screen door,picked me up by the back of my shirt and shorts and tossed me onto the driveway.
The kids were crying,Stephanie was hysterical.
I couldn't move except for scooting on my good side across the driveway towards the car.
The neighbors across the street came running over to assist me.
I had them get me in the car and start it up.
I was able to steer the car with my good hand and brake with my good foot.
I got us home and sent the kids in to get Paul.

He had me admitted to the hospital under his insurance and said we had just been married and he hadn't had a chance to put me on his insurance.
I was admitted under an assumed name for my safety.Paul watched the kids for me and I had an in home day care and he took off work to take care of the kids I was in charge of as well as a couple parents who took personal days.
I was in his debt and grateful.

He continued to hound me until I finally married him.I was encouraged by family and friends I would never find someone who would love my kids as he did and someone who adored me as he did.I didn't trust my own judgement that I wasn't ready for another commitment at that time so 7 months to the day of my divorce I was remarried.

He changed on me literally on our wedding night and never was the man I had known all along.
He wasn't physically abusive but emotionally detached from me.I didn't understand it then but it was the quest of "winning " me that was the challenge.Once I was his so to speak it was over.
We remained legally married for 22 long years.
It wasn't always bad but it sure was hardly ever good.
Two more children came along to mix in with my previous 2 and his previous 4.
Everything about our lives together became a challenge.
Not wanting to have another failed marriage, broken family.I stayed. I didn't put the pieces together that it was failed staying together.

The pressures of the failed marriages were great.I was silent about so much that was going on being embarrassed that once again I couldn't keep my life together.
I felt I was financially dependant.
I had been available for him to continue his education as I had in my former marriage because that was what wives did for the betterment of the family.
Even though at times I worked three jobs,I didn't see myself as self-sufficient.
We went through a few family crisis',a flood which devastated us emotionally,financially and materially.
I did all I knew to do to put us whole again.
We went through a more than two year legal battle in a class action lawsuit following the flood.
My emotional state was becoming more fragile although I didn't recognize it.

I was working long hours,physically depleted and getting no support at home.In fact,he was more distant than ever and I was sure he was having affairs and if not physical they were for sure emotional.He was flaunting it in my face.
All our friends knew.I shouldered the embarrassment and humiliation alone.
I began involving myself in my own risky behavior to compensate. I was acting out in desperation hoping he'd notice and I'd be important enough for him to discontinue his escapades.
I became isolated among crowds of people.They say no man is an island;I beg to differ.
I was alone in every way.
I wasn't necessarily lonely because of the people in my life but I was alone.
I was grieving for the marriage I had hoped we would have and wasn't going to happen.

We had separated a couple times and then reconciled.
My daughter was getting married and as the Mother of the bride I immersed myself in wedding plans while working full time and a couple part time jobs because I was now living alone.
At one point I fractured several ribs in an accident and couldn't work for almost 2 months.I was financially depleted before I could go back to work.
About 4 months before the wedding he asked for another reconciliation.
I wanted more than anything for an intact family so I agreed.

The strain of shouldering the wedding plans almost by myself were taking a toll unbeknown to me at that time.
The wedding week was upon us.
Out of town guests,showers,rehearsal dinner which I took over because the grooms family wouldn't and then the wedding preparations themselves.
Virtually no help. People had said they would help and didn't show.
The Mother of the bride was racing down the street at 10:10 to get dressed for a 10:30 wedding.
The food distrobution was up to me.The picture taking fell to me to oraganize that day.
The cleanup was falling on my shoulders.
My apartment was a wreck from the week and food preparations for the wedding.
I was to return to work the day after the wedding.
I had about a total of 12 hours sleep for the week. I was beyond exhausted.I was physically numb and my emotional state was frayed.
I was saying goodbye to family members I hadn't seen in years and hadn't been able to spend the time with I would have liked because of undependable so called friends.

The evening of my first day back to work Paul informed he still wanted a divorce.He told me had used me the last 4 months making me think we were reconciling because he didn't want me to have a scene with his mistress at the time. She was one of the ones who had promised to help with the wedding day.She was a so called family friend and former neighbor.
Someone I considered a friend.

I was devastated.Previous to us reconciling I became involved with someone who treated me different than anyone had and it was going somewhere.I told him it had to end when Paul and I decided to reconcile and he moved away.
All I could see in my head when he delivered that devasting statement that he had used me was what I had given up and would never have.
I can't even describe the hurt I felt and didn't want to ever feel again in my life.The betrayal was enormous.
I had nothing left to fight with.I was depleted.

I went into the bathroom and deliberately and methodically took every pill that had been prescribed to me and went out and sat down waiting for whatever was going to happen,happen.
I was quiet,unemotional,distant.I felt I was in a black hole and could never climb my way out of it.I felt I was falling deeper and deeper.
I felt total hopelessness and helplessness.
I just didn't want to hurt anymore.

This will be part 1 of the story.I will finish it in the next post.

Related tags: onevoicewalk, one+voice+walk, domestic+violence, domestic+abuse, domestic+violence+stories

October-Domestic Violence Awareness Walk

2007-10-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Recently,my son Dan participated in "The One Voice Walk" in Cincinnati,Ohio to honor a former church member who was murdered in an act of domestic violence.
The church has organized this event every year since to bring awareness to domestic violence and assist the Cincinnati YWCA to help victims when they leave shelter.

Dan had asked me to contribute to his podcast before this event.At that time I couldn't.I had to get my thoughts together on this subject.

Some of you may know I am a victim of domestic violence and lifelong abuse in one form or another. I have spoken out on this subject often.
This year,when prompted it caused tremendous sadness within me.
I didn't want to relive those experiences.

Since,I reflected on what I should say.I want to offer hope.

My life is as different as night and day since I was in shelter.Entering shelter was the best gift I ever gave myself although I didn't see it that way at the time.
When I entered I couldn't have been lower physically,mentally,spiritually and financially.It was maybe the darkest time in my life.
I was hopeless.I entered because I didn't know what else to do.I guess looking back it was the last of what survival instincts I had left.
I was suicidal.Not that I was going to harm myself necessarily but it was more like if I was diagnosed with cancer I would have refused treatment;if I was going to be struck by a car I wouldn't have jumped out of the way.
I was put on a suicide watch for 45 days.
To say I was despondent would be an understatement.

I can recall my first time on the patio at the shelter after completing my intake and staring out into the distance wondering how I got to that place in my life.My life literally flashed before me like a slide show.
I believed I was somehow a bad person because I was the common thread that ran through these experiences.
My intake worker had commented that no I wasn't.It was a set of circumstances set into motion made early on by others that caused me to make wrong decisions in my life.
That was so foreign to me at that moment.

I was raised in a good home by two parents who were faithfully married until the passing of my Mother.I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school.Catholics didn't have these kinds of situations.
In my adult life I fell away from the Catholic faith but searched out and discovered my Christianity.If prayer would fix this kind of situation it would have been fixed 100 x's over.

Two marriages had fallen apart and not because I didn't try my hardest to make them work.
I was involved in my community for many years.On the surface I looked like I had the perfect surburban lifestyle.

Then it just fell apart.It didn't happen one day,it took many years.

I entered shelter with only the clothes on my back and my Bible.
I had literally nothing;I was starting over in the truest sense of the word.
I was fortunate enough to have entered the Montgomery County Women's Center in Montgomery County,TX.
It was a God thing.
I've since learned most shelters were not run as well as the MCWC.
All offer refuge and hope,don't get me wrong.
This one has something unique about it.The facility itself,the staff,the community itself are all components to make it unique.
I can't reveal too much for safety and privacy issues but I will be grateful forever for those who impacted my life at that time.

I learned why my life had turned out the way it did.I learned how all the circumstances came together and I made the choices I did.
It was up to me to take proactive action to make the changes need to be made to stop the cycle of abuse.
I learned abuse comes in many forms,not just physical.
I was in denial about much of my circumstances.
I believed domestic violence happened to poor people in disadvantaged circumstances.
Just by being in shelter I was introduced to women and their families from every socio-economic circumstance,every faith or no faith,every walk of life.
I was not alone.
I learned there are men who suffer this kind of abuse as well.

My life is completely different today because of the help I received at that time in my life.
I will never make those same choices again and can recognize now a toxic situation and remove myself from it quickly.

I now live the best life anyone could have with a man who values me for who I am not what I will do.
I am happy each and every day.I find much to smile about everyday and much to be grateful for that I never paid attention to before.
We laugh everyday.Laughter is the foundation of our relationship.
There is mutual respect,love,admiration and trust between us.

My hope for the victims living the life I used to is to have the courage to implement a change in your own life.
Call a shelter for help.A safety plan will be formed to assist you to get out.

If I could survive it you can too.
I had no money,no car,no home and no self-esteem.Not low self-esteem,none.
I was sick,disabled and my nervous system was a wreck.

There is hope;it doesn't get better overnight but it does get better and better than you could imagine it today.
The help won't come to you by wishing it would.You have to take the action.It may the most courageous thing you ever do for yourself. You may think it just doesn't matter anymore.
It always matters.
You may think you are trying to keep the family together for your kids.
You couldn't be doing something more harmful for your kids.
The cycle will continue.
Love your children enough to break the cycle if you can't do it for yourself.
Be your own best friend.If you were your best friend what would you advise your friend to do?

If you are a member in the community who believes domestic violence and abuse doesn't affect your life you are so wrong and ill informed.
We all are affected.
It happens in your neighborhood,every neighborhood.
It affects the work place.It affects the schools.You pay for it through higher medical costs and hospital fees.
You pay for it through law enforcement and the judicial system.

The effect on humanity is uncalculated but it is high.The affect it has on humanity is profound.How may lives are not reaching their potential because of this situation.Society is affected as a whole.It's a blight on all of us while we stand by and do nothing.

If there is nothing else you think you can do you can pray.Pray earnestly for the victims.
Pray for the abusers.Chances are they were abused themselves.Not an excuse but a reason.

Adopt a family through your local domestic violence shelter and assist them to get back out into society and contribute to society.

Make a donation to your local shelter.Call and ask what way you could help the most within your means.

I can only hope my experience can help even one person to make a change in their life.

the importance of donating organs

2007-07-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

My brother Walt was admitted to the hospital last week to await a heart transplant.
We've known for a few years this might be necessary but nonetheless the fact that it became a reality has me and our family stunned.
My nephew Ken was told by the nurse that his Dad would NOT be leaving the hospital without a new heart.
Apparently his heart is operating at only 15% capacity and his kidneys and liver are compromised.

It isn't just all the implications of needing the transplant to deal with but also the reality that he,his son and another brother have the same heart disease my Mom succummed to in 1975.
Will others of us face the same reality?Is this coincidence(hardly likely IMO) or a shared genetic trait?

Walt had to leave Cincinnati and was transferred to the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio because that's where his insurance would cover.he had hoped to go to Columbus to Ohio Sate University but the insurance denied that request.
Columbus was easily a day trip from Cincinnati;Cleveland is much further and would almost require an overnight stay for family so he won't have many visitors.

I pray more so for his spiritual health at this point.He readily admitted to my sister Mary he has little faith,if any.He blames God for many things in his life that didn't go the way he wanted.
One of the big ones is that his wife died at a young age.
A real miracle would be that he regained his spirituality even above a new heart.

I don't know what to expect while we await the new heart.I am agonizing over the grief and loss another family will have to endure for him to have the transplant.I just have to remind myself that God has a plan.

Something like this doesn't just affect the patient but ripples down through the family,coworkers,neighbors,family friends and even the medical staff trying to save a life.

I would ask anyone who reads this if you have been sitting on the fence with this issue or maybe have meant to get around to signing a donor card but haven't, do it now.
It takes a minute of your time to fill out the information but can give someone else years of another lifetime.

Ok,Ok......

2007-07-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Ok,Ok,Ok.... geez Louise,already. I have been told by several folks lately I haven't updated my blog.Didn't realize you cared.

What's happened since I last blogged?Hmmm, I'm over 50 so I don't remember as well as I did say,when I was 49.

I went to Texas to be with Mandy to welcome Jacob to our family.Oh my gosh,let me tell you he is so precious;well, all my grandchildren are but he is the only one I was right there to be with my child when he was born.Correction,I was supposed to be right there but some complications arose with my SIL which I may or may not report.
Let's just say I saw a different side of him than what I did in a phone relationship and he leaves a lot to be desired IMO as a husband,Dad and SIL.

Jacob took to me right away.I can still feel his little self snuggled up against me.I called him "my little man" because his little hands were so wrinkled.It just seemed to fit.
James,Jacob's big brother also took to me right away.We became bestest buddies while I was there.I taught him Patty Cakes and that has become our mantra!
Both boys resemble each other,there will be a family resemblance like the Kennedy's and other families that have certain features easily identifiable.(They don't look like the Kennedy's though-they look like the Ramirez boys).

Dan,Jennie and Keisha drove down to Ft. Worth from Cincinnati.It was so good to see them again.Keisha is as tall as me and wears the same size shoe and almost the same clothing size.I teased her to start picking out cool stuff so she could pass them down to me and I would look cool too.She has turned into a real fashion critic!
Here's a biggest hug Keisha-((((HUG))).Nana loves you berry,berry much!!!!

PJ drove up from Houston with his Dad.I got to meet his new love,a bright red Mustang.I don't think the car will ever give him the grief Sarah did.We discovered quite by accident Sarah apparently married someone she met in Iraq.I guess this means she won't be paying PJ all the money she owes him that she promised too.

It was surreal to see Paul and be in his company a few days.I can honestly say I only thin of him in friendship.I think we would have made very good friends but it was a mistake to be married.I'm sure I made him as miserable as he made me.Touche,Paul.
It made me miss and appreciate Bob even more than I had already.

I have the best life I could possibly have here with him.We are very blessed to have found each other and get to live here in Oroville.
It's a compliment to Bob that I hear over and again from those that knew me in "my other life"
that they can hear in my voice I am really at peace and happy.It's even more a compliment that your ex you were married to for 22 years notices it and is genuinelly happy for you.
I wish the same for him.

On my flight home a lady across the aisle and four rows back had a heart attack and apparently died on the plane.Anyone who knows me,knows this would happen when I am around or involved.
I always wondered what it would be like to go to Reno and we aren't that far from it but I wasn't prepared to go there in an emergency landing.Meanwhile,bob was circling around Sacramento airport waitibg for me to come out with my luggage.After we landed and they removed the lady from the plane they told us we could use our cell phones as it would be awhile before we arrived in Sacramento.
Needless to say Bob was perturbed that I was going to be late.He had to keep finding spots he could pull off for short spaces of time and it was about an houror more until I landed in Sacramento.As I reminded him later I bet that lady's son who was with her was even more perturbed for our emergency landing.

Boy oh boy,it was good to be home.Home sweet home.I love my home here and as the saying says,"there's no place like home".

I think I'll close for now and try to make a real concerted effort to keep up with this more frequently.It isn't that nothing is happening it's that I forget.

So here I am again

2007-04-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since I last wrote. I will try to remember as much as I can and in no particular order.

First of all,my condolences to those affected by the Virginia Tech massacre this week.Such a tragedy.One lesson I took from this is how short life can be and make the most of everyday.It sounds cliche but nonetheless true.
Don't waste time harboring ill feelings and holding grudges.Forgive and move on.Don't forget to tell those that matter you love them.Tommorow may be too late.

Our family experienced joy and sorrow this week.Last Saturday we learned Jennie was pregnant again.We were so excited and celebrated this miracle.She was told years ago she would have trouble getting pregnant again if ever.So to have a new,little precious life added to our family was exciting to say the least.

Monday was Dan's birthday.I can't believe he is as old as he is.I can remember the day he was born as well as if it were yesterday.
He was such a joy growing up and still is to me today.

Just a couple days after finding out about the pregnancy Jennie started experiencing troubling symptoms.They went to the ER and were told she most likely was miscarrying.
My heart aches for them.I can only imagine what they are feeling.
Prayers are going up continuosly for them.
My mesage board friends have been terrific at offering prayer and support.

Mandy was told she will be induced on the 7th of May.I am arriving late the 6th.I hope James likes me right away because there isn't going to be an adjustment time.
They informed yesterday they signed papers to buy a brand new house.If all goes well they close the Thursday after I arrive, the 10th.
Talk about a whirlwind trip to TX.
Dan,Jennie and Keisha are due to arive the week before Memorial Day.I can't wait to see them.PJ is supposed to drive up from Houston sometime that week.

I have had several doctor appointments since I last posted.
I had another CT scan and the report is the same.The nodule in my right lung is staus quo.It is still small enough it can't be biopsied.I am scheduled every 4 months to have anoher one to watch it.

I've had an MRI for my back and see the neurosurgeon tommorow.I hope he determines something can be done for my back.

I am in conference through Tel-Med with a psychiatrist from UC Davis for my psych meds.
It is an interesting setup.There is a large monitor set up and the doc and I converse as if we were in the same room.My doc comes in at the end and he tells her what scripts to write.

I've had back X-rays and a kidney ultrasound.
The kidney doc delivered unsettling news.Apparently my kidneys are functioning at 60% and I am in Stage 3 to 2 renal failure, the higher the number the better.My proteins and potassium are high and something I have to watch.
He thinks the years of excessive ibuprofen have played a part in my kidneys failing.So much for our great health system in this country and folks' lack of access to health care.My smoking for so long hasn't helped either.
Interestingly enough, he said with my pain complaints in my back and the blood work showing up what did he suspects there could be a tumor in my spine and is referring me to an oncologist.He doesn't think all the pain is from fibromyalgia,deteriorating discs and arthritis although that is enough in itself to cause the pain.

Now,having said all the bad news I need to say I am happier than I have been in my whole life.It appears life has come full circle for me.
Retirement seems to agree with me and Bob.
I love my home and the life we have here in Oroville.
I have a peacefulness in my life that I don't think I've ever had before.So,I am not afraid or worried just a bit concerned.I am as positive about my life as I can be and decide to have a good attitude every day.

I have made a new friend through the volunteer class and it's spooky how much we have in common.
I have had the best fun volunteering at the Visitors Center.I have met people from Japan,China,France and many of the States.I may miss some but as I recall now there have been folks from Washington state,oregon,Nevada,Michigan,Ohio,South Carolina,Wisconsin and all over California.
This job I do there behind the counter is right up my alley.
I dispense information and basically shmooze it up to those who come by.Kind of like a Public Relations job.

I was elected to the board of the Bidwell Bar Association.I'm still not sure what all it means because it was only my second meeting.One of the guys had to step down for health reasons and I was nominated and voted in.
The Bidwell Bar Association is an entity that promotes the historical and authenticity value of life here in Oroville and northern CA from the 1850's and on.
Bidwell Bar was named for John Bidwell who settled most of this area.A bar is a piece of land much like an island out in the water.There was an original bridge named the Bidwell Bar Bridge and the first suspension bridge west of the Mississippi.It was made in the northeast brought around Cape Horn and up to San Ffransisco.It was then brought into Marysville and then by oxen the rest of the way to Oroville.
When the Dam was going under construction the residents and BBA saved the bridge from being lost under the Lake 300 ft below.It now stands about a mile from its original location complete with the original toolhouse.
It will be the center of attention on Bidwell Bar Day may 5th connecting the marina to Wyke Island for the festivities.
The BBA members will dress in period costume and entertainment and education will be available for out guests based on the 1850 lifestyle.

God is good and forever faithful to me.I don't deserve all the blessings He has bestowed on me but accept them humbly.
Until next time,find something to smile about everyday and then give it away to someone else.

Volunteer Class

2007-03-17T11:06:00.000-07:00

I graduated this week from the Lake Oroville Visitors Center volunteer class.I am now a volunteer for the California Parks Department and a docent of the Bidwell Bar Association.
I am so glad I signed up for this.I learned so much about the history,geology,tradition,culture and natural resources of this area and northern Califonia in general.I learned how and why the Dam was built and what an amazing feat it was and how the lake and Dam generate electricity and water for the region and entire state.

The early residents of this area were the Maidu and Concow Indians and what a rich culture they have.Then came the white settlers and the travestry the white people caused the Native people.It is little known that there was our own Trail of Tears here in California whereby the government rounded up all the many tribes and had them encamped in one place.Many did not survive the walk to that location.Those that did had to mix culture,traditions and language.
We still have native Maidu and Concow in this area and they try their best to keep the traditions going.

I learned about the abundant wildlife in this area and how the native people never traveled more than a 25 mile radius because this region had all they needed.
Oroville is home to the "Mother Orange Tree" now over 100 yrs old.It is believed to be the tree brought in from Mexico that fueled the citrus industry so recognized and valuable as an agracultural industry as we know it today.This region also boasts the first olive crop in California.Mrs.Ehrmann brought the olive trees right here to Oroville and the Ehrmann's were early and important residents to Oroville.today we have olive orchards right here in Oroville,in fact two are less than 10 minutes from my home.Almonds are also a big crop in this area and in fact most of the almonds you would eat today were grown right here in Butte county.

I learned all the recreational and habitat information about Lake Oroville.
I learned about the Department of Water Resources and California Parks Department.
Many are not aware that the Lake Oroville Dam is the largest in the country,larger than the Hoover Dam and the second largest eathern Dam in the world.

I learned we have more than 50 miles of hking,equaestrian and bike trails throughout Oroville and the Lake along with many ground campsites.The most unusual campsites are floating campsites out on the Lake.

I learned about the gold rush history and the early days of Oroville.In fact, there is a historical association called the Bidwell Bar Association that carries on the traditions and culture of that time.It is so named because John Bidwell was one of the first to settle this area and the location was named Bidwell Bar located on the Feather River that later was excavated to become Lake Oroville.The Bidwell Bar Bridge and Toll House was relacated to a nearby location now called Wyche Island to preserve them and they are an important part of our local history.The BBA has tow events a year known as Bidwell Bar Day in early May and Frontier Christmas in early December.The proceeds from the sales those days goes to sponsor assets at the Visitor Center that the state Parks Department doesn't have the funds to cover.

In the few weeks of classes we were given an excellent overview of all that encompasses the Visitor Center.I can't thank the volunteer docents and the staff that were responsible in making the class a fun,interesting and informative class.

Blog Makeover

2007-02-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

Hi there, Dan here. If you had been a reader of this blog for some time, you knew that it was about time for a makeover. Mom recently migrated her blog to the new version of Blogger, and what you now see are the fruits of some of my efforts, with her input, of course. What else will you find here? Be sure to check back to find out.

One thing that I am liking a lot are the Labels, which, if you click, will take you to a page with posts related to that particular label. Of course it's only as rich as we make the previous posts, which takes a bit of time.

A couple other things that I like are the sections for Oroville and San Francisco, underneath which you will find some pictures from the area.

Comments are open so go ahead and leave some feedback!

Updates

2007-02-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

It happened again this morning. I told you we are turning into old people.We were outside looking into the backyard. I was looking at the bird feeders.I thought Bob said "no way, it's time to fill the feeders". In fact, what he said was "No way. it's time to read the meters". He saw the PGE meter reader reader at the neighbors house in the back.

Melissa came up for the long holiday weekend.She hadn't been up since Thanksgiving weekend. We enjoyed her visit and as usual it went too fast.
One of the the things we did was to go visit Marty. She hadn't seen Marty since they scattered Bob's Mom's ashes back in the middle 90's. Marty is the family historian so it was good for Mel to hear some of the stories passed down to the next generation.

On Valentine's Day Bob took Marty and I to the Depot, a local restaurant here in Oroville for lunch. Marty is still in a wheelchair from breaking her hip before Christmas. She sure enjoyed getting out for awhile. I enjoy going to the Depot because it is a historical landmark here in Oroville. it is the train station that folks used coming in from Nevada back during and after the gold rush days on their way to San Fransisco.It still has some of the same gardens it had way back then.The building is much like it was back then and the railroad tracks still run along outside the building.There is a bank of windows on the one side and if you are eating when a train passes you can imagine the early times when passengers would disembark; this was the first stop coming out of Nevada.

I had to take a 24 pee test(TMI) and return it to the lab this morning first thing and then have some blood work done. At my doc visit last week previous lab work showed something was up with my kidney function. I don't understand it but I guess as time progresses I'll be made to understand it if it pans out to be something important.
I also had a cervical back Xray done and it showed a severe narrowing of my neck vertebrae and the discs are shot. I am being referred to a neurosurgeon. Don't know what he will be able to do. I have to wait at least 2 weeks to get an appointment. At this point almost anything has to be better than living with this chronic pain. I can't hardly sleep anymore. I get maybe 3-4 hours sleep a night and that's not consecutive.

I am getting excited about making plans to go to Texas in May to see Mandy and have Dan and his family meet up with us.We are hoping PJ will be able to join us.

Not much else is happening from here.I'll report again soon.

Congratulations,Mandy and Alfred!

2007-02-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's this far into the new year and I am first posting again.Of course,I've been real busy doing basically nothing!

I've decided Bob and I are officially turning into old people.This past week at least three times one of us had to say "what did you say"? to the other one when something didn't make any sense.The hearing is starting to go.

I am going to start classes at the nd of the month at the Lake Oroville Visitors Center to be a volunteer.This is through the Califonia Parks and Wildlife Department and the Bidwell Bar Association.
I'm not exactly sure what all my duties will be but I think generally they will be to greet visitors to the center and assist them with touring the area,supplying them with information and material about the history of Lake Oroville and the Lake Oroville Dam(the tallest earthen dam in the US and second tallest in the world),the history and geography of the Oroville,Butte County and northern California area.
here is a link to the Oroville home page:
http://www.oroville-city.com/

We finally received a few days of much needed rain.We went 37 days without.This was one of the driest January's in recent history.

I am in the process of planning a trip back to Texas in May.
Mandy needs me to come to Ft.Worth to help with James when she has Jacob,Since I'm going to be back there we are trying to put together a family reunion.It looks like Dan,Jennie and Keisha are going to get come down from Ohio and we are trying to see if PJ will be able to make it from Houston.We contacted Steph and she won't be able to make to make it.
We haven't all been together since 1999.
I'm really looking forward to seeing my kids.

Today at 3PM Central time Mandy becomes Mrs. Alfred Ramirez. It is low key since it's her second marriage.
She and Alfred have come a long way since they first got together.They've been through some real struggles.
I've seen Alfred really grow under Mandy's love and seen Mandy blossom under his.
I wish them all the best.It isn't about the wedding day;it's about the marriage.
Congratulations,Mandy and Alfred.

scatter brained

2006-12-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

Somehow,all the planning and preparation to have an easy holiday season didn't quite work out that way.

Here it is one week before Christmas and I'm running around like a one armed paper hanger(one of my Dad's favorite sayings).

I thought I was finished wrapping only to discover about an hour ago there were 3 hidden I'd forgotten about.
The cleaning lady is due to show up any minute and the house is a wreck.I'm not sure what she will be able to do this time.I have her come in once a month to help with things that are too hard for me to do anymore.
I guess today will be her bonnus day.i will pay her normal fee but she will only have to do half the work.I have been trying to clean before she gets here but my mind is too scattered.
I mailed Christmas cards with no return address;forgot to mail cards I meant to;have addressed cards twice to some of the same people.

Bob's cousin fell last week outside her home and laid in the cold and rain until someone happened to come by.She broke her hip pretty bad.
She was due to go to Arizona Wednesday to spend time with her only remaining son;she didn't want to be here for the holiday as she is missing John who passed away in October.Instead we will be bringing her here with us for the holiday when she leaves the hospital.
The room she will use is covered in wrapping material and the gifts that are to go to friends and neighbors here.

I haven't shaken the cold I've had for 3 weeks.My back is hurting a lot but have to keep pressing on.

I have misplaced my address labels;I know they are here somewhere,but where?I just used them a few days ago.

I am usually so organized;someone else has invaded my body and taken over!

The one thing I am sure of is Christmas will be on the 25th and no matter what happens I am not forgetting that it is about the birth of the Christ Child.

So happy holidays to all.I will update if I can find my way to the computer in a few days!

2006-12-12T15:12:00.001-08:00

This is my first holiday season in a small town and I am really enjoying it.
There is something precious and unique that I didn't find in the larger cities I've lived.The others may have had fancier decor and more uptown celebrations yet there was something impersonal too.

A few weeks ago Bob and I attended an annual celebration called "Frontier Christmas".
It was walking back in time.
Many of the residents dress up in period costumes and reenacted what Christmas time and holiday celebrations would have been like in those early days in Oroville.

It was held at the Visitor's Center at Lake Oroville so that was a backdrop in itself.
There were booths set up to show off different aspects of frontier life at that time.
Kids were able to make wreaths from native plantings;they panned for gold.
There was a lady showing off the toys used at that time and she played holiday music on a dulcimer.

The gift shop booth was recreated into holiday decorations from that era.Some of the most creative uses from acorns,pine cones,paper and fabric I've ever seen were on exhibit and for sale.

There was the ticket booth to sell tickets for the stage coach ride into Nevada and an old time preacher marrying folks as they arrived.

At the concession stand was food done up as it might have been then and all the ladies were wearing their long dresses made of calico and wearing their bonnets.
You paid for your food and drinks with wooden nickels you purchased at the bank.

There have been ongoing celebrations in town throughout the season.
There was the reception given at the Lott home by the Historical Society to honor the tradition when James Lott brought his new bride to Oroville and he used a holiday party to introduce her to her new neighbors.

There was the Parade of Lights;an annual celebration that folks decorate their cars,pets,themselves and anything else and parade through the downtown business district.This officially kicks off the holiday celebration downtown.
Everyone is invited to participate or just watch.

There is a parade of homes that are uniquely decorated with lights and other decor that you independently drive around and then judge yourself which is best,submit your selection to the newspaper and the top three win a prize.

All the downtown shops are so festive with their windows dressed in holiday decor.Some are almost recreations from the past.

To end the season this year there is the Centennial Ball at the Municipal Auditorium celebrating Oroville's Centennial as an incorporated city.
It began in the gold miner's days as Ophir City both names reflecting its rich(no pun intended)history as the area where the gold rush of 1849 happened.

I feel blessed to get to experience the small town atmosphere with a big heart at this time in my life.

Divine Presence?

2006-11-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

A few days ago we were having a heavy rainstorm.I went into the bathroom and noticed a streak of rain droplets(or so I thought) on the mirror.

I was quite concerned because just the day before we had a roofer here to check things out and he gave us a clean slate(no pun intended).
Last week we had an annual heating inspection and the guy noticed some rust up over the furnace so we felt we better have it checked.
The roofer said it was from an old leak that had been repaired.
See,I am skittish of roof leaks since living in the house in Pittsburg .I won't ever live with open holes in the ceiling and rain leaking in again if I can help it.

So,I see these droplets coming down the mirror and I look the whole ceiling over and nowhere could I find a source.I went over the entire room trying to learn where it could be coming from.
The drops were coming from the top of the mirror down.
Absolutely nowhere was there a source ;not even if water were splashed on the miror.Had it happened that way it would be on the side and not that high up.
I even had Bob look at it to see if he could figure it out.
He had no explanantion either.

I joked that maybe it was going to be one of those apparitions where the Blessed Virgin appears and is crying or Jesus himself.I was of course wondering why Jesus or His Mother would pick my bathroom to have a miraculous apparition but quickly decided if they would pick one of ours,it would be mine because on any given day the one I use is cleaner than the one Bob uses.
We all know cleanliness is next to Godliness and I'd imagine bathrooms fall into that category.
Mary or Jesus would know I would use the Lysol toilet bowl cleaner everyday and use the Clorox wipes on the sinks.
Bob probably would forget.

This would be important if we were to see apparitions because then folks would flock here to Oroville to see Jesus or His Mother or whomever they designated to show up inside my mirror and have spiritual and religious experiences in that room.
I was glad I hadn't gotten around to taking up the wall to wall carpet in that room yet in case people needed to kneel on the floor.

This would mean I'd have to be sure to make my bed everyday as folks would be traipsing through the bedroom to get to the bathrooom.Actually the whole house would have to be spic and span clean everyday if I were to have visitors.

I thought about the people that could be put to work if this happened.I'd need full time help with the cleaning;I'd need someone to clean carpets every week because of the foot traffic;we'd need someone to drive a van to bring people in because they'd have to park up by the clubhouse;our driveway only holds two extra cars at a time.
There would be food to be cooked,at least cookies or a cake everyday to serve the folks while they were here.
It just goes on and on.

All day long those droplets were there on the mirror but, the next morning they were dried up.The spots on the mirror are still there.I'm hesitant to wipe them off in case they were representing a divine presence.
Why me?Why my house and why my bathroom?I don't know but I guess I have to say God can do whatever He wants,wherever He wants,however He wants.
And anyone who knows me well would know if God were to decide to make His presence known in my house it would likely be the bathroom because,well-...that's just the kind of luck I have.

It wouldn't be on a grilled cheese sandwich or a painting on the wall or the side of the house-no,He would pick MY bathroom because He would think that's the best practical joke He could play on me!
I wouldn't have doubted if He didn't get my family members and friends who have passed over to be in on the joke.

So,I don't think it was anything to do with an apparition because no face or likeness appeared but - all was not lost because it made me think and made me write about this and if it causes someone to think about their own spirituality,then all was not lost.

If one day something does appear,I will post it here first,until then...

addicted to online games!

2006-11-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Hello,my name is Margaret and I am an addict...
I have become addicted to playing online games at the Pogo.com website.I registered last year,I don't even remember how I heard about it.Isn't that the way addictions go;someone hooks you up and then before you know it you can't say no.
Actually,I started playing Poppit years ago when my family first became acquainted with a computer.That was back in the days that AOL was just about the only ISP in the game and you waited forever to get online.
When I registered for Pogo,there it was all over again,Poppit!
I don't know what it is about the game I like;the challenge of trying to pop as many ballons as possible and geting the extra tokens.Is it the challenge of knowing you likely will never pop them all?I came close a couple times,got it down to 3-4.Is it the sound of the ballons popping?Maybe it's because it only takes a reasonable amount of skill and no real mental challenge like a word game.Don't get me wrong,I like word games too.

Then I started scoping out some of the other free games and found bowling;I am much more skilled at online bowling than I ever was in real life (herein known as IRL).
I have had almost 200 point games whereas IRL my average would be like 67!

I found a game that may rival Poppit.It's called Lottso.It's a cross between Bingo and Lottery scratch off tickets.Again,just some skill but you don't need to be a brain surgeon.Considering I have about 2 brain cells working nowadays,that is right up my alley.
There is farm animal game I am trying to get the hang of that is quite challenging but it isn't quite a favorite yet although it does have potential.

Now that the winter weather is upon us and I am spending less time outdoors I am finding myself back at playing these games again.
Be warned;this too could happen to you when you are retired.

Hellodeo from Dan

2006-10-30T14:52:00.000-08:00

Where has the year gone?

2006-10-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

Its hard to believe it's Autumn.
Since my last post we went through the summer here;I didn't realize it's been so long since I posted.

We had a terrific summer season here in our new home.Other than the 15 days in July we had record breaking temperatures of upwards 110 degrees it was a wonderful season.
I had a summer garden for the first time in many years,albeit in a whiskey barrel.We learned we cohabitate with a lot of wildlife here in our park;quail,coyote,wild turkeys,deer,jackalope,skunk to name some.Many bird species,some I have never seen before.

I have met a few more neighbors.Two ladies are originally from Germany,the homeland of my Mother's people.
The elderly man on one side of us is a fascinating character.He always has a joke and a story to tell.He is a Pearl Harbor survivor and was instrumental in the inception of the Napa Valley Wine train here in CA.
He has a memory better than most people I know.He is known to recite poetry from heart.

I have had a lot of medical tests run since last spring.I have a few more to do soon.The Oroville hospital outpatient registration for awhile was my second home.

I made a committment to stop smoking near the end of summer.I haven't totally quit yet because there have been a few days I have had one or two but a far cry from the 3 pack a day habit I once had.

My PJ will be ending his service in the Navy November 6th;he should be back in TX for his 26th birthday,November 9th.
A Mother always worries for her children but having a child in the active military during a war is surreal.
He will still have few years of reserve duty and I pray he won't be called back to active duty.
I am told there is a party planned in his honor on Veteran's Day being given by his brother Richard.

It's hard to believe my Mother is gone from us 31 years yesterday.Her loss is as real today as it was 31 years ago.It doensn't ever quit hurting,you just get used to it.

Bob lost a second cousin to cancer a couple weeks ago.His Mom and Bob grew up together.It's strange to go to Marty's and not see John in the barn playing pool or asleep on the couch while he was watching the Sci-Fi channel.

I was notified this summer that Oscar passed away in July.He died as I often thought he might.Alone and using.I never hated him but I sure hated the drugs and abuse.It's a strange feeling to know he is no longer on this earth.
I hope he has now found peace and tranquility and is basking in the presence of his Savior.That is one thing I do know for sure;he was a believer.
Rest in eternal peace,Oscar.

We had a lot of out of town company this past summer.I was in my element because I've always loved to entertain.It was nice to have a place we could invite friends and family members to visit.
It seems we are the destination point for anyone looking for rest and quiet!

Mandy moved to FT.Worth this summer.It's weird to think I have no more connection to The Woodlands where I spent such a large part of my life.
CA is begining to feel like home now.
Geographically and seasonally,it feels a lot like Ohio.
I am experiencing my first Autumn in many years except for the one I had in 2003 back in Ohio.
The trees are losing their leaves now after a few weeks of spectacular color.
One could take it for granted when they see it every year but when its been gone for 25 years it has a special significance.
It's a little sad to see the trees shed their leaves but there is the certainty that in a few months the cycle starts all over again.

Dan and Jennie have decided to home school Keisha this year and it appears to be going well.
Dan is looking for work again;his previous employer has put him on contract status.

Mandy is expecting her second child April 24th.
James started crawling last week so she is going to have her hands full with two littles ones so close together.
Alfred tells me James is a little flirt!

I miss not being a regular part of my children and grandchildren's lives.

Life is good for me right now and it's been a long time since I could make that claim.
Until the next time...

This is a test mail-to-blog post

2006-09-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

Hi folks! This is Dan, Margie's son and resident webmaster (lol). Just trying to see if this works.

Check me out at my new website addresses (leave off the "www" for savings! :D):
Journey Inside My Mind Blog - http://journeyinsidemymind.com
Journey Inside My Mind Podcast - http://jimmpodcast.com

--
Dan Johnson, Jr.
Cincinnati, Ohio USA
Fax/voicemail number: +1-206-666-5466

testing

2006-09-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

Dan is teaching me another way I can blog so this a test.

Margaret Welker

Learn more about Me, Myself, and I! Click the link below for details:

http://crazymaggiemay.blogspot.com

Get your email and more, right on the new Yahoo.com

9/11

2006-09-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

In remembrance of those murdered 5 years ago today and the troops who have been murdered because of that day.
God Bless America.

One reality of retirement

2006-07-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize one season passed and another is half over since I last posted.The busy life of a retiree who is doing nothing in particular that is meaningful to anyone else but satisfying to the person who is enjoying it.

We moved into our new home and are still settling in.The spring brought with it the new sights and sounds of life in the community living near these mountains at the foothills of the Sierra.Everyday was like opening a new present.

We discovered among other' s we have two quail family living in our rosemary plants on the side of the hill;we've watched the babies hatch and they are now what we refer to as the "the teenagers".
We have two deer that thankfully visit a neighbors yard.We get to see them close enough but they don't disturb ours.
There is a resident fox that roams the community.The first sighting of him I commented that someone's really mangy dog was loose.
Numerous birds visit our many feeders on a daily basis.
We've been told there have been sightings of a bear, rattlers, and mountain cat but I don't know if that is myth or those sightings were when this community was new.
I see the mountain range from my front porch.
I sit on my back patio and its a quiet retreat away from the world.

At this stage in my life this what I needed.God always gives what you need when you need it.
Each day I thank Him for blessings.I am grateful for what I have been given.
Bob and i say at least once every day "life hardly gets better than this".

All the lessons I lived through brought me to this point.I can now appreciate the solitude of this place.
My life is simple.
I am aware of the world affairs and the crisis our country is in;my baby boy is still serving our country due to be relesed from service in a few months but maybe not depending on what happens these next few months yet there is calm about my life.

I have begun new medical care and some of the findings are not what any other doctors have found in the last 25 years.Some of the prognosis is not good yet I have a peace about me that surprises even me.

I am carefully choosing home furnishings because there is a reality this will be the last home I ever do this;instead of it being sad its been quite fun.

However, this morning the strangest thing happened.
I suppose it was bound to when you live the retirement life and one day goes into another.

I initially awoke at 5 AM.Decided to go back to sleep.I don't often do that.Woke again at 8.
Fixed the coffe, set the flag outside, blah blah, yadda yadda.
took coffee outside as usual, read paper and finished. Like in 10 minutes was finished.This was a weekday routine, not a Sunday routine.Where were the ads?The coupons?
I went back to the front page.
Monday, July 17th,2006.Well, I new it was July 17th.Its Keisha's 9th birthday.I need to call her later.I knew yesterday today was July 17th.I knew last night today was July 17th.I knew this morning it was July 17th.I just don't know when betwen last night and this morning I forgot it was Monday!
How did THAT happen?

I had to sit there for about 5 minutes and take it in.For that waking time I had my heart set on Sunday.Not that Sunday was such a spectacular day and something so special had happened i wanted to relive it but that every day is so ordinarily special I want to relive every one.
I was sad for a few moments to think I had lost a day.I had to realize I hadn't lost it,I had spent it just as I was supposed to and will spend today just am I supposed to.

And one of the ways I will spend it is being grateful for my special granddaughter who I was blessed with on this day 9 years ago.Here's hoping to not having a senior moment later in the day and forgetting to call her when she returns from day camp!

Just a bit of this and that

2006-04-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to update on some of the goings on with me lately.

I received the neatest thing in the mail a couple days ago; a book Keisha's class had done from A-Z.
Each child apparently was given a letter and from it made a subject and wrote a paragraph about it.Keisha's was ironically "K" and her subject was kindness which was fitting for her,I think.
There was artwork accompanied with each page and I'm assuming each child did their own.
It really was an amazing piece of work collaberated on by the students and Mrs. Sansone, her teacher.

We are still in the settling in stage here.
Boxes are still in the garage that need to be unpacked but I've learned we are doing this on Bob's time which is slow time (as in procrastination).
It making it hard to determine exacxtly the best place for some things because every few days a box comes in and its like"oh yeah, I forgot about this".Or I know we used to have something but can't find it.

I haven't been well at all since moving.I guess the strain of the past year has caught up with me.I am in the process now of finding medical treatment that will take not only Medicare but Medi-Cal as well.

My yard is all abloom with lots of flowers I don't know the names.But it sure is pretty.
I can look from the front yard over to the mountains and its been interesting to watch the hills change almost daily as we went from the wet weather of winter right into summer, or so it seems.

The trees are budded out ready to sprout new leaves.The birds are around but not as many as i had hoped.Interestingly enough, they won't touch the feeder I brought from Pittsburg.I haven't figured that out yet.There are two others in the yard and they will feast from those but not the "foreign" one.
We have at least two quail families I've identified living under some bushes.they are fascinating to watch as they scurry from place to place.
Last evening Bob and I were out back and we noticed the one pair.They must have seen us and think we may be predators because they stopped dead in their tracks as they were when they noticed us.We stayed out there for about 15 minutes and they did not budge.

A couple days ago i was on the side of the house facing the neighbors house across the street when two deer came up the street and walked right into the neighbors yard.I think thats the closest I've ever been to live deer.They stopped to observe me as I observed them for about 5 minutes.Maybe they were thinking they never saw me before!

I counted the other evening there are 18 windows I have to open and close every day!That isn't counting the stationary ones throughout the house.

I have been reading articles on Oroville history.This particular area is steeped in California history.
There was an Indian they named Ishi who wondered out of the hills in the early part of last century.He was named Ishi because he was such a novelty at the sherrif's office where he was kept until they figured out what to do with him people would wander in and say "is he still here"? So he was given the name-Ishi(is he).
The accounts I read say he laughed all the time but didn't know a word of the language.H was alsways happy to see people .

This was the area of California where gold was discovered and mined.That is why the city has the name "Oroville"; I have been told there are still prospectors who come down out of the hills occasionally.

This area was where some of the relief effort for the city of San Fransisco came during the earthquake 100 years ago.

There is more I am learning about this area and all of it is fascinating.

For now, thats it but more coming later.

Genetics may be factor in chronic fatigue syndrome

2006-04-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

Hi there, everyone! It's Dan, Margie's son, reporting in. I was just the browsing Google News page and saw some information that I think would be relevant to readers here. It comes from the China View online website:

WASHINGTON, April 20 (Xinhua) -- Human genetics may play a role in the development of chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), a disorder hard to diagnose and poorly understood, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said on Thursday.

Researchers based the findings on a study of 227 CFS patients who went through detailed clinical evaluation and blood and urine testing for two days. They assessed the participants' genetics and the activity level of 20,000 genes.

Dr. William C. Reeves, head of CDC's chronic fatigue syndrome research, said the gene patterns seen in the patients "are related to their body's ability to adapt to challenges and stresses that occur throughout life, such as infections, injury, trauma or adverse events."

CDC chief Julie Gerberding said the findings are "the first credible evidence of a biological basis for chronic fatigue syndrome."

CFS was first identified in the 1980's. Many people including some health professionals have regarded it as a condition rather mental than physical.

Researchers said the study results could help find better ways to diagnose and treat the condition, which is characterized by unexplained symptoms including fatigue, problems with sleeping, memory and concentration, and often pain.

The new findings are published in this month's issue of medical journal Pharmacogenomics.

Let us know what you think!

San Fransisco Quake Centennial

2006-04-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

I could not let this pass without commerating the San Fransisco Quake that devasted the City 100 years ago this morning.

This was our country's worst natural disaster before last summer's Hurricane Katrina.
I have visited the City only a couple times since I have lived in California and only seen a bit of what it has to offer.
What I have seen I can see why this City is beloved by so many natives and non-natives alike.
It is a City like no other.It is pretentiuous yet stately.It is grand yet simplistic.It is artsy yet subdued.It is a place where anyone can be anyone and be accepted.
The architecture from decades and now centuries old to some of the most modern within blocks of each other is magnificent.
Within blocks there is every culture and the most depressed of America's people to the most wealthy.
The gardens and the craziness of Lombard Street to the serenity of looking out at the water can bring something to the spirit that would be hard to find somewhere else.

This is the City my generation flocked to in its youth to make their statement on the world.Nearby are two of the most renowed learning institutions in the country and maybe the world, UC Berkeley and Stanford University.
The technological age happened right here in The City's back yard.
One of the country's best mass transportation marvels is here in the Bay area;otherwise known as BART(Bay Area Regional Transit).
This area boasts two major league baseball teams and two football teams.
Every conceiveable entertainment genre is possible to be experienced here.

The mountains, the Bay and nearby Pacific Ocean, the fog, the hills and all the people bustling about are part of this City's charm.

I can't help but think today about all the people along the Gulf Coast and how disheartened they may still be wondering if their lives will resume with any normalcy.
Look to this grand City by the Bay as your hope.
100 years ago the wires were reporting its demise.For 4 long days demolition was purposely destroying much of what wasn't damaged by Mother Nature.The seismic aftershocks were felt 12 minutes later in Japan and felt as far as Oregon, Los Angeles, and Reno.

The people of this City camped out in parks and began the process of rebuilding their lives and the legacy they left behind is this wonderful place so many call home and others will flock to see and experience.

The Big Easy will return someday probably different than it was;the Mississippi and Texas coast will rebuild. It may be years before we see the spirit back into these towns but it will return.It may be a different place than what was remembered but it can also be a better place.Look to San Fransisco as your hope.

100 years ago at 5:12 AM no one thought there was much hope.There was terror and chaos.
Now, look at what was rebuilt in its place.
It truly is a City that will steal your heart.

related stories:
http://www.comcast.net/news/index.jsp?cat=GENERAL&fn=/2006/04/18/370262.html

http://today.reuters.com/business/newsarticle.aspx?type=tnBusinessNews&storyID=nN18349611

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2006/04/18/state/n000117D26.DTL

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/04/18/MNGP5IAU4K6.DTL

Test Odeo to Mom

2006-04-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

Motel living

2006-03-26T07:31:00.000-08:00

Bob and I have been in Oroville now 21 days! We call ourselves the newest Orvillians!

In those 21 days I have been in 4 motel rooms.The first was a room in Antioch at the best Westwern which was awful.Not what one would expect of best Western standards and the price they charged for a substandard room should make them ashamed.

The metal thingie that is supposed to be attached to the wall behind the faucet to the tub was away from the wall exposing the pipes behind the wall; the heater did not work and it was below freezing that night.The curtain rod was coming out of the wall making operating the drapes impossible for risk of it coming off the wall.

We would have asked for a different room but were so tired from loading the moving truck all day and it was past 7 PM when we arrived.
Actually, we didn't really know the heater wasn't working until later in the night and by then we weren't going to pack up our stuff and move into another room.We knew we had to get on the rtoad early the next morning to drive to Oroville.
We had put Bob's bro and SIL up in a room also and would have had to wake them to tell them about the rtoom change.

The drive to Oroville was miserable.It was cold and pouring rain the whole trip.My fibromyalgia was flared up big time and I had to drive our personal truck all the way.
On the three hour trip I was popping OTC meds every half hour and it wasn't helping.
We had torrential rain, hail and thunderstorms.

Something really neat happened though along the way.Coming out of Sacramento the only radio station I could get in for some reason was a Christian radio station- K-Love.So I had a prasie and worship session the remainder of the trip!
At one point when I didn't know if I could continue to drive a song came on that gave me encouragement and joy.It was like a sign that I was not alone and He was watching over me.
It was the song Dan sang to Jennie at their wedding!!!

The words are so positive and what do you think the tile is?-I'll Be There. Or thats what I call it. How appropriate.
The words to the song encouraged me and the memory of the wedding day was so joyful and comforting.
What a gift! God is good.

We arrived in Oroville and Bob's cousin had lined up help for us on this end.We had rented a storage room on the previous trip but realized we needed another one.

Again, God looked on us with favor.The immediately next ours had just come available the day before.
It was pouring rain.Even with an umbrella we were getting soaked.It was so cold and windy.
Those people were angels, let me tell you.They just took over and had the whole truck unloaded into the two storage rooms in less than an hour.
A couple of them wouldn't even let us pay them and offered to help when we needed to unload to move into our house.

We were blessed on both ends of the move.Bob's good friends came to help load and his bro and SIL(whom we absolutely enjoy) and my friend I had made from the message boards I visit that ended up living only a mile away. And the help we had on this end.
We wouldn't have been able to do it as well as we did without all the help and I am forever grateful.

The room we first stayed in here for a week was fabulous.Its the Comfort Inn here in Oroville.
We kind of lucked out.Bbecause we had requested a smoking room the only one available at that time was actually a suite!And we got it for the same price as a regular room.
It had two king size beds, a 25 in TV on a swivel thingie.A picture window and patio door that led out to a nice sized balony with two chairs and a table supplied.
The heater worked and the drapes were not coming out of the wall!
it had an area that had two love seats, a table and chairs, end tables and coffee table, internet connection, two phones, a microwave, fridge, nice sized area to hang clothes, a long low dresser with two huge drawers.
The bath was big by motel standards.Gold towels(not the usual white) and soft and fluffy.A sunlamp (so the room would be heated if you wanted to just take a bath).A supply of anything you'd need for personal grooming(if you forgot to pck anything).A coffemaker with coffee, tea bags,and hot chocolate supplied.
The building had an exercise room (and yes I did use the equipment)and off that was a sauna(no, I didn;t use it but did check it out)and a real nice laundry room.
Every morning a fabulous continental breakfast was available.Hot and cold cereal as well as pastries and muffins.Juices, milk, coffee(different choices), fresh fruit in a bright, sunny, cheeful, comfortable room.
The staff was great and the place is impeccably clean.

We ended up at another place for the duration.The Saturday following our arrival there was a big fishing tournament in town so that room we had was booked.
We have since been at the Best Value Inn in Oroville which isn't as nice as the Comfort Inn but its aslo $30.00 cheaper a night which is a big consideration when you have to stay in a motel a month until your new home is available.

The room we were supposed to be in had a water break problem about an houur before we checked in so they had to put us in a non-smoking room at the time because it was the last room available due to the fishing tournament.
Bob was leaving the next morning back to the Bay area for a retirement party being given in his honor by his friends from work.
We had bought in groceries before we checked in the room so I would have supplies while he was gone.He would be gone 2 days.
After he left I discovered the fridge was not working.Ok thats two strikes.
It was still raining heavy at that time(I think we have seen the sun 4 days since we've been here).
I was not happy going outside to smoke(we know we need to quit but haven't done so yet)and now the fridge doesn't wotk and my food may be spoiled and i don't have a car available to go get new supplies.
I sucked it up though.I've lived through much worse.

The maintenance guy brought me the nicest fridge they had available; bigger than the usual ones with a decent sized little freezer.You could put like 4 TV dinners in it.
So they began to get back in my good graces!

After Bob returned they had a room available to us ready and waiting.They would have helped us move into it if we wanted.
The staff here is so good to us and work really hard to make the guests comfortable.
We are on a first name basis with most everyone now and have adopted them as family!
We are referred to as "the really nice couple in RM 129"!

I found out they recently had an inspection from the chain.Housekeeping scored 499 points out of a possible 500.The owner has never even said thanks, job wel done or anything.He has never acknowleged their hard work at all.One gal has been here 10 years and has never heard a thank you.
Last Sunday we ordered pizza for the whole staff to acknowledge their good work and to let them know we appreciate their service.We had it dropped off at the front desk.
Over the next 2 days each member of the staff sought us out to personally thank us and each mentioned no one has ever done that before.
BTW- the maintance guy moved my special fridge to the new room and made sure everything was working while we moved in.

The girls know I've done this kind of work and I understand how hard it can be.We swap shop stories almost everyday.
I pretty much take care of the room and most days just ask for whatever supplies we need and only have them clean once or twice a week.they are only gien like 20 minutes to clean a complete room including changing sheets and making the bed so they appreciate me not wanting service every day as it gives them a little time extra on the hard rooms.Its unbelievable how some people will leave a room.
I told them if they could just leave me the equipment i'd do it all myself! they aren't allowed to though so when i have them clean I try to make it as easy on them as I can.

I never thought I would miss cooking and cleaning but I do! On the rainy days I have missed making a pot of soup.Microwaving food isn't quite the same although Ii have discovered Stouffer's has a new line of meals reasonably priced and very good.

I have a laundru basket in under the bathroom sink that holds our dirty clothes and a couple baskets on top of the toilet that holds our eveyday toiletries.
The room comes with a fridge, microwave and coffemaker.
the microwave sits on top of the fridge and the coffeemaker is supposed to sit on the microwave.taht wasn't working for me because I am so short and it was hard to pour the water in.
So I have our "kitchen" set up at the fridge/microwave with the sink in the bathroom a few steps away.The paper products sit on top of the microwave.We have an ice chest we use for the large bottles of soad and Bob's wine and that sits next to the fridge on a luggage rack.It also serves as my "island".
Next to it is the hanging clothes area with a shelf over it that we keep our smaller luggage.An iron and ironing board is provided so that area is the clothing hub so to speak.
The TV sits inside a unit that has two large drawers underneath.i use one for my folding clothes and one as my "pantry".
There is a long low dresser next to it and I have set uip the top of it with the coffeemaker on a tray with all the supplies and that is my beverage and hospitality center.
Bob uses one drawer for his folding clothes and the other drawer hold all the odds and ends so we can keep the clutter down.
There are two full beds in the room (whicj is good because he talks in his sleep and thrashes around and i am tossing and turning trying to get comfortable and up and down).At the foot of each bed are two comnfortable easy chairs so we have a sort of sitting area.
In front of the window is a small table and chair set and that is my "office". We have the desktop PC on it .
Bob bought an 18ft line to connect to the internet.So it streches across the room and we can use the PC without having to have it on the nighstand.Most people would have a notebook and sit in the bed to use it.

The internet connection was failing when we first came into this room.We discovered after moving in here the old monitor had died so we got a new one- a flat screen.That is amazing how lightweight and easier to use.I was calling the front desk everyday inquiring about the internet connection; I was told they wer having problems in some of the rooms and they offered to have us move into a diffrent room.By then we just wanted to stay where we were.I would just go the library if I had to.
After the pizza being delivered a couple days later Bob was palying around on the PC just going to try to play a game and when he turned it on Dan was IMing me! What a surprise- we all of a sudden were internet connected.The front desk had said they didn't expect it to be fixed during our stay.
Is it a coincidence? Me thinks not.

So here are. Bob signs the papers on the new house this week and we are moving in April 1st.
We are terribly excited.

We picked out a beutiful sectional sofa set at a local furniture store but it had to be ordred and won't be delivered until about 2 weeks after we move in.They call the color wheat.its a light beige color and the cushioning is plush.It just wraps itself around you yet feels so good on my back.One end has a chaise that Bob has claimed! He says it has his name written on it!
I say its so comfortable you can go from zero to nap in less than 10 minutes!

The sellers offered to us to buy the formal dining set and a few other pieces of furniture.We brought very little furniture with us from the old house.
I will be checking out the resale and thrift stores here and in Chico to purchase whatever else I still need.the other big purchase will be new mattresses.
I'm leaning towards the Tempurpedic or Sleep Number beds.
The tow things I insisted on new were new matress sets and a new couch set.
What he had was 20 yeras old and in deplorable condition and offered no support to our backs.
The rest I can get from resale stores and thats hald the fun-the hunt!

We are leaning towards separate bedrooms because our sleep patterns are so different.
I generally fall asleep watching TV because of the pain keeping me awake.I keep hitting the sleep button on the remote if I haven't fallen asleep before my programmed time.Bob has a hard time falling asleep with the TV on.
He was so used to being alone for 20 years that its real hard for him to adjust to someone else.The majority of my marriage to Paul I slept alone because he worked nights.
The Walters boys are known for their snoring.In fact just Joan( thats what Bob calls her instead of Joan) and I discussed giving Brian and Bob one room and us the other when we stayed at the Best Western.
At this age its all about sleep and less about romance!
We know where to find each other.

Bob is looking forward to the island in the kitchen (because he's always wanted one) and the really neat garage.I am looking forward to the whole place.I will have two sets of bay windows and lots of light in all the rooms for my new houseplant collection I intend to have.The 4 babies I had are not doing so well on Marty's porch.They aren't used to living outside.
I can even have plants in both bathrooms because there is a huge window over the garden tub in the master bath and a skylight in the hall bath!

I am excited to be able to cook with gas again; its propane but its still gas.We laugh because we are avid King of the Hill viewers and I call Bob Hank and I am Peggy.So now we will have propane and propane accessories- how fitting!The garage is detached and we have a corner lot and the garage actually sits around the corner on the other street.Bob has met our next door neighbor ( he went up to play pool with the guys one day at the clubhouse) so I joke that he can stand next to the garage and drink beer with the guys like Hank and the guys do.

I am really blessed;when I think how my life was a little more than a year ago its sort of hard to take it all in.

I will be driving a brand new Ford Escape witin the next couple weeks maybe even later this week or early next week.I have never had a brand new car and Bob is insiting to buy one for me with some of the proceeds from the house.
I would have been perfectly happy with a decent used car.He said everyone should have the chance to drive a brand new car at least once in their life.He had a brand new Corvette in the mid 80's.

We are learning a lot about our new home town.Oroville has a lot of history.Last week downtown they had the annual state Fiddler's competition for 4 days.I know it sounds hokey but actually it was fun.
This is Oroville's centennial year and the Fiddlers 40th year coming here.Normally they play all around outside downtown but because of the rain it was moved inside to the big auditorium downtown where the actual competitions take palce.During the day they just play for fun and in the late afternoons and evening they compete.
Booths are set up from local businesses and organizations.
We met a guy who is heading up a Vietnam Memorial to be built here in town and he writes a weekly column in the local paper each week about the history of veterans from this area.Quite interesting.He included letters written that have been donated from family memebers and news accounts of their wartime experiences.
Bob may join the VFW.He encouraged me to join the Historical Society.
Oroville is very easy to get around.The city provides ample public parking areas conveniently located all around downtown; some even have public restrooms..I laugh at Bob because he isn't used to parrallel parking and the big curbs when we park on the street.To me, its reminiscent of Cincinnati.All around the city you see beautiful and some not so beautiful Victorian ladies(houses); Craftsmen houses, bungalows and I've seen a few what I call a western version of the foursquare.

I can't wait to work in my new yard.There are new things popping up now that it is spring and of course I will add my own plantings.

Another fishing tournament here this weekend so the motel has been busy.Bob hasn't had a chance to try out the fishing but there is supposedly excellent fishing on the Feather River and at Lake Oroville.
The lake is only about 10 minutes from our new house.Supposed to be some good salmon fishing there.

Thats the update for now.This time next week I will have slept on my new bed (that I still have to get) and woke up for the first time in my new home.

K-LOVE Closer Look Podcast: Domestic Violence - Help for the Abused and the Abuser

2006-03-11T07:33:00.000-08:00

Howdy everyone! Dan, Margie's son, here, guest-blogging. Thanks for stopping by to read. I'm reminded that I need to contact my Mom to see how she and Bob are doing in their temporary housing this month.

I subscribe to the K-LOVE Closer Look podcast, and I get to hear short audio clips from this weekly show on a regular basis. I just noticed that they've released this clip, which you can listen to directly by clicking on the title of this post, or by clicking this link.

"It's likely you know at least one woman who has suffered physical or sexual abuse in her past – or present. It even happens to men. The abused are usually ashamed and afraid and leaving is complicated. But there is hope for both the abused and the abuser."

If you are interested, I did a 36-minute soundseeing, interview-type show back in September, during a memorial walk to help those affected by domestic abuse, which I posted to my own podcast, Journey Inside My Mind:

JIMM 16 - The Cheryl Dawson Memorial Walk-a-thon

Moving day!

2006-03-03T15:06:00.000-08:00

Tommorow is the big day! Bob and I with the help of family and friends will be loading up the U-haul and moving to Oroville.

We found a new home that has everything we both wanted; Bob gets an island in the kitchen and a garage and I get everything else!
We will have bay windows in the breakfast room and dining room, skylight in the guest bath, master bath has a garden tub(which I haven't figured out how I will get out of once I get in!), separate shower, 2 sinks; large living room with coffered ceiling, lots of windows, fully landscaped including irrigation system.Covered patio and breezeway to garage, corner lot and a large laundry room inside the house.
The area is wooded with views to the mountains.
I feel truly blessed.

We won't be moving into the house until April 2-3rd; the downside of selling in a hot market is our buyer wanted quick possesion but our sellers can't move until then.They are moving into a retirement community and their place won't be ready until then.
Its ironic- we are moving from the Bay area to Oroville to retire; they are moving from retirement in Oroville to the Bay area to be near their family since they are up in years.
The nicest, sweetest couple you could ever hope to meet.
And he kept the house meticulously maintained and she kept the house as neat as a pin.You would think she had a cleaning lady come in every day.
I wish they weren't moving; we would have loved them as neighbors.

Bob and I will be staying at a motel in town during the duration for the most part.We may stay a day here and there in his cousin's camper but we don't see it as a viable option longterm.

I may not be internet connected until after I move into my new home so if you don't hear from me for awhile that is why.
I trust Dan may drop by now and then and leave an update.

I may have some news about a new(to me) product I am expecting delivery on next week.I found this on the fibrohugs site and its supposed to be a revolutionary pain relief method.
I don't want to say too much until Ii've had a chance to try it.
If this works those of us who have suffered with chronic pain may have found our answer.Not a cure but something that gives us temporary relief.
I will report on it later.

So, time for me to go and ride off into the sunset!
Be back soon.

Hear Margaret on Dan's Show

2006-03-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

Hi this is Dan, Margie's son. A few week's ago, for a school project, my daughter Keisha intereviewed my Mom. We captured it and I've produced it into an episode for my podcast.

You can listen online or download the file directly. You can even subscribe to it using some podcast receiving software.

I encourage you to head over to the Journey Inside My Mind Podcast and listen to episode 37.

And let me know what you think!

I'm a new Nana!

2006-02-15T06:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, at 1:23 Pm CST James Alexander Ramirez was born.He is 7lbs 5 ozs and 21 inches long, has a full head of dark wavy hair an oval face and his Mommy's nose!
He is his Nana's first grandson and his parents firstborn.

I received a call from Mandy at about 1AM CA time that her water had broke and she was bleeding and was on the way to the hospital.
I was excited for her but scared at the same time.
There is something about it being your child having a child that makes it a surreal experience.

I didn't hear anything else so at about 9AM my time I called onformation and got the # of the hospital.They connected me to her room but no one answered.I didn't know what that meant.I didn't know if it meant she was in the proces of delivering or if there was some complication and they had moved her.
I called back and talked to the nurses station.They can't give out any information but the nurse took a message."Tell her I love her and I know there is a gigggle in there trying to get out"She'll know what that means.
I used to say that to her when she was little and she'd be upset.It was my way of saying I'm with you in spirit.
I felt totally helpless and in a way left out.

She had told me when I talked to her that her Dad was going to the hospital and her Uncle and Aunt who had driven in from Georgia the day before. Sarah, PJ's fiancee was going to meet her and I didn't know who from Alfred's family.PJ had wanted to come home but there are some things happening on ship and he wasn't abnle to leave ship.

I was grateful she wouldn't be alone but sorely missed me not being there.
It was almost an hour later Sarah called and said she had been given the epidureal.From experience I knew it wouldn't be much longer maybe a couple hours.
Sarah said Mandy had asked her to be present in the room along with Alfred and she would call me as soon as she knew something.

Four hours passed and now I was really concerned.Mandy is very petite and I was concerned maybe she had to have a C-section.
I called the hospital again; just wanted confirmation if we had a baby or not.They can't even tell you that much(which I think is ridiculous) and the nurse agrred.
I waited about another half hour and couldn't stand it so i called Sarah's cell phone.it rang 3 times and a whispered, hurried voice-"Mom, she's in the middle of pushing, call you back".So, at least I now knew something and that was so much better than not knowing anything.

It was still another hour until I got the call from Sarah that I was a new Grandma and baby and Monm were fine.She said Mandy did great, was a trooper and she (Sarah) was so grateful to have witnessed his birth.She said it way better than swimming with the dolphins!Awesome!

So, we got our very own special Valentine's present!

It was a long and stressful day. Not only was i worrying about Mandy but we were trying to work out logistics with our buyer on a moving date.he is inflexible.We had asked for a one day extension because Bob's buddies would have to take off work to help us move if we move the day of close of escrow.
Bob was calling around to each one to figure out how we could work this.
Finally, we just figured we are going to have to make this work somehow regardless.

We are in a little bit of a bind because we have to be out the day of closing escrow here but our seller for the new house needs 45 days from the close of escrow on that house because they are movuing into an assisted living place and it won't be ready until then.

Originally, we were going to stay with his cousin in Oroville but she had a fire and her place is in the middle of renovations.She has a 5th wheel camper on her property but that isn't so appealing to us to be in there for a month or longer.
You can't use the stove or bathroom because they aren't hooked up so we would have to truck up to the house to use those facilities.
So I had to start calling around to find motels that would be accomodating for a long term stay.

That won't be cheap but it is what we will do.We are at the point we just don't want to have to worry about all this anymore.
We will put our stuff in a storage room up there and at least one good thing is we will be in town and can get around easily to the furniture store and other places we need to get things ready for the new place.We will explore Oroville and that won't be a bad thing.
Now, I need to mention that getting around Oroville is not like getting around the Bay area; getting around Oroville may take 15-20 minutes depending instead of an hour or more around here!
When we were there last week we think we may have been stuck in morning rush hour traffic because we had to wait about 2 minutes to cross over to get in the parking lot of the restaurant we went to for breakfast.We are thinking that may have been their morning rush hour!

We came back from the community we are moving to the night before around 5ish heading to the motel and there was a line of cars going up the hill in the opposite direction; we think that may have been evening rush hour, we aren't sure!

I am expecting a call from keisha today.She needs to interview someone from a different generation.Since I'm "old" I qualify!!!
I t was reminding me when I lived with them. I will never forget the day you could see the lightbulb go off in her head that I was her dad's Mom.
Up to that point her Dad was the most authortative powerful person she knew.And then, I had more authority and power than her Dad because I could tell him what to do and he had to listen to me because I was HIS Mom.

She would come to me with,"YOUR son did this" and the gleam in her eyes that her Dad could actually get in trouble was pricelessIt wasn't Nana my dad did this but, Nana , YOUR son did it.
It was really cute how she would lobby me for her side.And the spin she could put on something to make it to her advantage.
It was one of those "aha"' grandparent moments. Nana, the negotiater! Jimmy Carter had nothing on me with the peace talks let me tell ya!

I have so enjoyed grandparenting Keisha. She just makes my day every day.
I hope I have the same opportunities with James.

In that spirit I called Steph to tell her about james birth hoping upon hope we could reconcile whatever the differences she has with me, which I still don't understand. Its been New Years day 2004 since she last communicated with me in a scathing e-mail sent to me and Dan.
Neither Dan or I understood it and we still don't except there is a lot of venom in her attitude.
We both have reached out to her many times; we miss her presence in our lives as well as Hanna.
I've missed so much of Hanna's life and its a huge regret.Those years can never be made up.

Steph answered the phone and couldn't have been more cold to me.She curtly informed me Sarah had called earlier and told her about Mandy-goodbye.

So a happy day had stabbing sadness; the moment was so poignant to me.Life is so short and whatever her problem is with me could be so easily resolved if she would communicate.
She has her right to her feelings whatever they are but they should be based in fact and truth.
And I am really sad that Hanna is the one who is really missing out.

Yesteerday, I went the full circle of grandparenthood. From expectation, happiness and celebration; remembering the special moments with the grandchild who is allowed to include me to the sadness for the one who isn't.

Just another day in my life that seems to be ordinary with its unordinary events.

been busy!

2006-02-05T11:54:00.000-08:00

I have neglected my blog recently because I have been tied up on other projects.

Bob decided to put the house up for sale after he retired right after the holidays.

Now, it wasn't as simple to just call a realtor and put a sign in the yard.
As I've mentioned in the past this house was lived in by a hoarder who kept everything for the last 20 years he lived here.
Although he had slowly been disposing things in the time I had been here and was making some strides, he had a long way to go to make this house "sellable".

We had to go through and collect all the paper that had accumulated in all the places he had them stuffed.Filing some, just throwing out some and collecting together what needed to be shredded.We aaalready had burned up one shredder so we found a service you can take boxes of papers to and they shred it for a fee.For $45.00 we got all of it done at once and they dispose of it if you want or you can wait and carry it home and dispose of it yourself.Since the last thing we needed was more of something to dispose of we chose the former option.

Next we had another dumpster delivered and this time he was ruthless in his disposal of all these possesions.I actually was quite proud of hime.

We then rented a storage shed to take all the boxes as they were packed to get them out of the house.
The old Mazda truck(that he had used as a makeshift stortage shed) was pushed out on the driveway so the garage was cleared out. He is waiting on his pink slip because somewhere in all this mess it was lost.(Imagine that!)

I purchased a new, inexpensive vacuum with the dust cup (since the old one quit) and set about cleaning this place the best I could.What a job that was but it was really rewarding as well.

This house now looks like normal people live here! I had almost forgotten how it should be.

The house went on MLS on a Wednesday and the realtor started receiving calls with a couple of hours.Thursaday he had 2 appoinments and 2 more were set up while he was here.
At the end of the day we had 3 offers! Still no picture with the MLS listing, still no sign in the front yard!
We had an open house last Sunday and received 4 more offers.

We accepted one from a firm that flips houses as it was a full cash offer with no contingiencies except that we be out by the end of the month.
I felt bad in a way for the young families who were interested in the house.Even in its condition it would have been a good, solid starter home and this is a great family neighborhood.But, we didn't want to wait until they could secure financing.

So, off we go this wek to Oroville to select our new home and prepare to move.
We will be getting a new home most likely and all new furnishings to go with our new life together.

What an adventure its been!

And to add to this new journey I am expecting my first grandboy anyday now back in TX!
Our family is excited about his arrival and if he gives me half the joy Keisha has I will be one blessed Nana!
And, keisha is growing up so fast.She started learning cursive writing this past week.Doesn't that make her like an upperclassmen or something?!
Who told her she could grow up? I know I didn't.

Time moves on...

Health after trauma

2006-01-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

I recently was contacted by Dr. Ellen Taliafierro; she specializes in trauma recovery and is an expert in her field. Dr T promotes the thory that writing is part of the recovery.I have long supported that thought myself.

I was drawn to write as a very young child; what was ironic is that I was probably what they now determine as "learning disabled". Words and the spelling of them were difficult for me; my father had a regimen that I had to learn three words a day, know their definition, put into syllables and be able to use them in a sentence at any given time.
His tactics were wrong but his motive was good. And, although it began as punishment for my unacceptable ineptness it served me well throughout my life.
I guess one would say I took lemons and made lemonade.

As many young girls do I wrote stories, kept a diary and journaled as well as the obligatory notes back and forth among who you thought were trusted friends.

Another irony was that my given name was Margaret Mitchell; the same name as the author of Gone With the Wind. Somehow, that connection was what motivated me to dream and believe it was possible that there was a different life outside my home and one day I would discover it.

So writing in some form has been a constant in my life as well as reading the written word.

Words give a voice to those of us who have been/are silenced by abuse and trauma. We sometimes are not given permission to use our voice and sometimes don't know what or how to say what we need to speak but in writing the words down the voice becomes clear.
It isn't important that the words are spelled correctly as much as the thought is spoken even in silence.

The thought, once given importance by writing it down, becomes a historical record of ones life.
You were there. You were the witness. You are the evidence.
I have been told my entire life to write books; to tell the story of my life.
For so many years because I was told I was insignificant I believed my story would be unimportant.

In the last few years I have come to realize that even if no one would read the words its an important story just because I lived it. And the most important person helped by my writing the words is myself; the bonus is that along the way some others were helped by my accounts of my experiences.

Anyone who has been a victim of violent crime, whether domestic violence or other forms should take a look at her website.
I will provide the link.http://www.healthaftertrauma.com/index.html

I like a quote of Dr.T which says, "life is not what happens to you, but what you do with it".

Home Alone

2006-01-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

I am so incensed by this story that I've had to sit on it for a few days to calm down and make rational, well thought out statements regarding it.
http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/13538165.htm

There is absolutely NO defense as far I am concerned.

These are two selfish adults who deserve whatever possible the district attorney can throw at them.

Here is the background not necesarily covered in the article that has been reported on the local news broadcasts.
This couple were married in April and considered themselves newlyweds.

The boys Mother died 2 years ago from breast cancer and have apparently been through several nannies and also cared for by their maternal grandmother when she is able.

The younger boy is autistic and the older brother is left to care for his brother too often.

The boys spent the Christmas holiday with their maternal grandmother and she was asked to keep them thru the New Years holiday.She refused because she had to work.
The stepmother told the grandmother that it would be OK to leave them alone as its been done before. The grandmother refused as it was not only immoral and wrong it was illegal and told the new stepmother as much.
This is what ultimately made her suspicious enough to later notufy the police.

The grandmother made the suggestion that they take the boys with them to Vegas to all share in a family holiday. The stepmother refused stating "they were still newlyweds and needed time alone".

They left their home approximately at 5 AM on Saturday, New Years Eve; leaving a gas fire place lit, some frozen food to heat in the microwave, cereal and a cell phone # for the boys to call if there was an emergency.
They did however make arrangements for a sitter for the 3 family pets.

They younger boy was later heard crying in the garage and a neighbor went to get him.This has happened before that he has been left unattended.She left a note for whomever was watching him where he was.It was later that the older brother found the note and retrieved his brother.

The grandmother was suspicious that thery had been left alone and its unclear whether the neighbor called the grandmother or that the grandmother just called the police to do a welfare check.

The police called the cell phone # several times and left messages for a return call meanwhile the boys were taken into custody later released to the grandmother from Children's Protective Services.
The return calls to the police never happened but the one left from CPS was.
It was 2 days later until they returned from Vegas and taken into police custody immediately upon their arrival at Oakland airport.
Their excuse for the delay home was it was snowing and they couldn't get a flight out.Hello, how about a rental car, hitchhilikg, or even see if you could get a ride from a trucker, something. Make the attempt to show you cared enough to see to this matter in some way.

The older boy made the statement he is angry because he is always left alone to care for his brother.
Neighbors report that the boys statenment is factual.

These adults are not mentally impaired citizens who may not understand and could be excused in some way.
She is a cosmetic dentist; he is a licensed plumber.

When I read or hear their attorneys or their family members make excuses for their behavior it angers me even further.
Not once have they apologized for doing this or adnmitted they are guilty of anything except being newlyweds who needed time alone.

Excuses such as its hard to find someone to watch them don't fly with me. As a parent you make every sacrifice necessary to keep your children healthy, safe, fed, clothed, educated and loved.

What is tragic is they lost their apparently devoted and loving mother and she was replaced by someone incaple of feeling emphathy or compassion.

Boo hoo they are scared being in jail.What about the fear these boys have had not just in this incident but the other times they were left to fend for themselves?

Well. they are having their "alone" time now and I hope they have it as long as the law will allow.

This did not happen because the trusted adult was going to work to try to earn money to keep the family afloat or that a Mother left the older one in charge to go to the store to get food or pay bills to keep water and utilities turned on.In those cases it would have been wrong but for the reasons given in this case there is NO excuse.NONE.

To be so young and ignored and be deprived of the most basic thing from a parent or trusted figure in ones life- security- is unexcusable.

I await the defense's argument in any upcoming proceeding.I'm afraid these people need a spin team from the highest political circles to try to make this even sound remotely right. Its a good thing I won'tbe on a jury if it comes to that.

They should never have these children returned to them if they are released from jail or prison.
I doubt prison time can teach compassion but I will hope.

Christmas week here

2005-12-26T06:27:00.000-08:00

This was a tumultuous week here in our house.

Preparing for the holiday in itself was a stressful enough time but doing so in a house in this condition had its own challenges.

The house has "defects" which I've alluded to in past posts so I won't go into them here.
Its been a rainy week and when you have leaks from the ceiling its an interesting challenge to deal with the leaks as well as continue a normal life as much as possible.

We have been trying to prepare the house to be put on the market shorly in the midst of trying to live here while we do it.

I haven't had a vehicle available to go shopping so I did just about all my shopping online.It was an interesting experiment and I think succesful.

Online shopping afforded me the experience of having the world as one huge mall!
I discovered the home shopping networks as well as all the websites of the major retailers and some of the ones I never knew existed.
As the saying goes, "the world was my oyster".

Its interesting to see the marketplace from that perspective.
Every price point, activity, interest, hobby can be addressed if you take the time to search.
Christmas shopping for me was actually fun this year.

The added bonus to me was all the boxes everything came in are now stacked along the kitchen wall ready to be used for packing! Even the packing peanuts can be reused so its also a recycling experiment.

We chose not to get a tree this year as it would have created further stress to determine where to put it.
I felt we should have something though so one day I went into the overgrown yard and chopped branches from the fruit trees, clipped some of the evergreen bushes and the rose hips from the overgrown rose bushes that were neglected and gathered recently fallen lemons from the ground and fashioned my very own uniquie holiday centerpeice!
The vase I used was one Bob's Mother had made herself in a ceramic class so we had a sense of history within the decoration.

I had ordered some unique tissue paper that in itself made nice wrapping and draped it over our heater which looks like a woodburning stove and placed the arrangement on it.
That was our focal point for the holiday.

The gifts were displayed in front of the "woodstove".
So you don't have to spend a lot of money to create a holiday atmosphere even in dreary surroundings.

Bob's last day to work was Christmas Eve. He is retired now after 40 years on the same job.
That day was a bittersweet day.
We had the anticipation of the holiday and upcoming retirement along with the finality of the last day to do something he had done for so long.

Throughout the day he would text message to my cell phone as he was completing each task of his workday for the final time.
At times it was so poignant; he loved most of his patrons and never considered it so much a job as an adventure.

At one stop a family actually was waiting at their box for him and as he approached the box they had made a sign congratulating him and then apllauded him.
Many left rememberances in their box to commerate his retirement.

A particualry poignant moment for me was when I received the message "this is it- Home Stretch". I knew he was at the last area of houses coming outof the hills down the mountain out of the subdivision.
I couldn't imagine what he must have been feeling at that moment. To know something you did every work day for 40 years was coming to an end must have been an emotional moment.
I didn't know then, he told me yesterday and probably would prefer Ii didn't reveal this, but after delivering his last stop he got out of his truck and knelt down and said a prayer of gratitude.
I reveal this because it shows the character of this man.

He was grateful he had been given the opportunity to do something that long and make a decent living; he was grateful he had basically good health and he was grateful he had me to ride off into the sunset with him.
He said throughout the day he had flashback after flashback of those 40 years.
After checking back in at the office for the last time and changing out of his uniform he removed his postal regulation shoes and tied them together and threw them over his locker door!
Then, he took a picture from his cell phone and sent it to me and some others who are close to him with the message, "I hung 'em up".
And then he left and began his last trip home from working.

Now, we begin the next stage of our lives.
Its funny in a weird way to think about the coming years.

When you are younger "retirement' is such an intangible thing.Everyone talks about it.Retirement funds, Social Security issues, health insurance, time to do what you always wanted, thinking about those who are no longer here to celebrate this time in your life, the new friends they say you'll make, the old ones who claim will stay in touch but rarely do.

And then one day- there you are. you are walking through the gate, a passage of your life that you didn't get to practice,no dress rehearsal.
You look back one last time and see the things you wished you'd done different and reflect; then you turn in the new direction and take with you all your life experiences into this unknown place and begin the next journey.

It was fitting in a way that for Bob it was in the holiday season where we celebrate the birth of the Christ Child. We are aware each year of the hope and promise this Child brought to the world and the impact His presence on the earth had for all history.
And through His life we have the roadmap to have a successful life in what is meaningful if we choose to utilize it.

So to me, retirement from a job is the freedom to be what this Child meant each of us to be. We are given the gift of time to make a difference and continue the legacy this Child left us.
That is the best Christmas gift of all, I think.

My Aunt Margaret's house

2005-12-23T09:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I needed to go to Realtor.com for the Cincinnati area to see if I could find a house style someone was inquiring about on one of the message boards I belonged to.

During my search I came across a listing for my Aunt Margaret's house.
It was like being taken back in time to see it again.

I am named for her and she was a terrific Aunt; she was actually my great-aunt, My Mother's Aunt from her maternal side of the family.

She never had children of her own and she saw to it that we kids were outfitted for Easter and had other things that were a help to my parents while raising 9 kids.

Aunt Margaret died when I was in the second grade but I remember her well. Her loss was profound to my mother and she was a strong influence and was at all the family gatherings of the Mitchell household.

One of the things I remember so well is she was a true German lady and loved her beer! I can picture her at picnic tables in the summer with her longneck bottle of beer and laughing all the time.
To me, as a little girl, she seemed to be tall and large, just as you'd expect a matronly German woman to be. She wore flowered dresses.I don't recall her ever in one that wasn't.

I always joke about being named after her; her name was Margaret Mary Aufderheide. I am so glad they named me Margaret Mary and not Aufderheide!

She had her beloved dog, Trixie with her everywhere. I think Trixie must have been a Jack Russel terrier or close to that breed.

When I saw the picture of Aunt Margaret's house I went back in time and remembered how the house always had a unique odor that I associated with Aunt Margaret. I would later learn that smell was flea powder but I didn't know it at the time.

The layout of the house was odd. As you entered from the porch you were in the upstairs and the front room and bedroom were on that level.
You went down some stairs to the kitchen and bath and it always had a musty smell that I just associated with the house. Now, I know there was probably always standing water somewhere down there maybe leaking from a pipe or the hot water heater.
The downstairs was painted concrete as I recall and was always cold.

Its funny I don't recall a lot of Aunt Margaret's furnishings which tells me it must have been functional and practical, not Better Homes and Gardens.

During the time I lived in Dayton with Dan and Jennie my sister Mary presented me with an envelope;on the outside was written in someone's hand "For Loraine, to be opened upon my death".

It was Aunt Margaret's will, written in her own hand willing all her possesions to my Mother, the largest being this little humble home.

My sister Pat and her husband resided there for awhile at the time my oldest neice Laura was born.
I remember babysitting Laura as a newborn infant and discovering her hands and feet were peeling.
I was barely 9 years old and really knew little about newborn infants at the time.
I was convinced I was killing her and grabbed her up and ran across the street to the backside of the park and up the hill towards my Mother's home.

I was panicked and distraught, crying, apologizing for whatever I had done and just wanted her to live.
My Mother then explained that Laura was way overdue and overdue babies just peeled at the joints.

Babysitting Laura in that house is my last memories of being inside that house.
I don't recall how long it was after that when apparently my parents sold the house; I just remember it not being a long time.

Finding that listing was like receiving a gift. How appropriate at this time of year.
Aunt Margaret played a large part in our early years in seeing we had nice Christmases and other holidays.

I think of her often and always remember her at this time of year.
Maybe she just wanted me to know she was also thinking of me!

Stanley "Tookie" Williams execution

2005-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

The impending execution or stay thereof from the Govenor today is the big news today.

For anyone who may not know of this case it is whether the life of Tookie Williams should be spared before his scheduled execution at 12:01 tommorow morning.

Tookie was the co-founder of the Crips gang years ago and in that capacity he was accused and convicted of 4 heinous murders that led him to death row at San Quentin.

In that time he has turned his life around and been an advocate of anti-gang activity.

I think its commendable that Tookie has redeemed his life of crime but it doesn't change that he did lead a life of crime that got him into San Quentin.

He claims he is innocent of the crimes of which he was convicted therefore his life should be spared.

He has been on death row for 25 years; in that time I would think given his notariety he would have been able to put together an excellent defense team to reopen his case if this claim were true.

We hear of cases frequently lately that The Innocence Project has taken on and is able to discover new evidence or overlooked evidence to get a case overturned or reopened.

Tookie is a published author and has become the object of much discussion over the years so it isn't as if no one who could help him hasn't heard of him.

I have to assume over the years someone has looked at the facts and decided he was guilty of the charges.
Its true that especially during that time black men were convicted under some questionable circumstances so this was of a concern to me.

He has shown no remorse for the crimes he was convicted of based on his assumption "he didn't do it" so why should he be remorseful.
He has never once attempted to contact any member of a family whose loved one was killed by the crimes in which he was convicted.

I would think if he were savvy enough to get books published from prison he could attempt to get a leter of remorse out to even one family member.

Even a note of symphathy to say he didn't do it but he was sorry for any role he played in the death would have shown me something.

His contention is HE didn't do it; does he know who did and why haven't they come forward after all these years? Is it the gang mentality again to keep up the code of silence?

Prison officials have stated he hasn't been the model prisoner that he projects to be.
Precautions have been under way for weeks to thwart expected gang violence at the news of his execution.
Why hasn't he spoken out and worked with prison officials across the country to ward off prison viloence much less at his death?

Today it was reported that people living in the surrounding area near San Quentin cannot even park their cars near their homes until this is over because of expected violence.

So, yes its commendable that Tookie took action to get books published against joining a gang and to help children take a different direction.
I give him kudos for that; but it wasn't enough in my opinion.

I see all the media attention; the prominent entertainment stars coming out to revoke his execution.Do they know something more than I know? If so, speak up.

Maybe the real leagacy of the life of Stanley "Tookie" Williams will be that if you commit crime it doesn't pay.
The message may be that if you belong to a gang it leads to destruction and death.

I, of course, don't know if he isn't innocent or guilty.
I can only look at the facts.
I know the Govenor has looked at them as well.
The issue isn't whether he redeemed his past and therefore his life should be spared.
The issue is, is he guilty of the crimes he was sentenced to death for and therefore execution is a fit punishment.

Only Tookie and God can know the final outcome.

I wish you well on your journey to the other side Tookie, sincerely.
And if you did find redemption you can continue the work on the other side.
God Bless.

taking time to catch my breath

2005-12-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile; I have very busy, at least for me - busy!

There is a lot going on in my life at this time and its ALL good!
I am so happy to be able to report that.

Bob and I went to his retirement board meeting this week and its official- retirement date is Jan 2nd.
This is a big step in his life.
He started with the USPS almost 40 years ago as a part time job until something better came along!
Of course back then mail delivery was different than it is today.
It has become more automated, less personal service, demands on time, and just generally the bigwigs only see the bottom line.

He was called into the "prinicipals office " last week because he was taking 13 minutes longer on his route than they thought he should. It wasn't taken into consideration the extra catalogs, the cards that have started arriving, the packages that are being sent. He told them he didn't know what more he could do since he already was taking no lunch break.

Its time to go.
He has mixed feelings.He will miss his patrons he has grown close to over the years but he is excited to move on to a different facet of his life.

Yesterday, he had to take off early for an emergency dental appointment.
He had come home in a lot of pain and his jaw was swollen. Obviously, he had an abcess which was confirmed.
He is going to need extensive oral surgery it appears; it will be a process that will take months, not weeks or days.

He knew a few years ago that it was getting bad but he felt loyal to his job and didn't want to take the time off work.
He has accumulated over 2800 hours of sick time.

I suppose that was overlooked when it was noted he was taking 13 minutes longer on his route.

We have decided the house will go on the market around january 15th.
Thanksgiving week we made another trip to Oroville and have decided to live at a senior manufactured home park, if they will have us!

The park sits on 80 wooded acres and has views of the Butte mountains.It is not even 10 minutes to Lake Oroville, which we hear has some real good fishing.
Since Bob loves to fish that is ideal.

We met a coupl;e of residents while we were visiting the park and it seems we will fit in. Thye have a clubhouse and activities every day.

If we don't want to do thast we can go to one of the casinos! Or some of the other venues.
Oroville takes good care of its seniors.

We joked because we got caught in rush hour traffic one evening. Rush hour in Oroville meant it took 20 minutes to get through town instead of 10-15!

I have been and will be busy trying to get the house in as good as shape as possible before we list.

I have discovered internet shopping and have had the best fun shopping for Christmas as well as what I need to help me here.

I can't believe its coming up on 1 year I will have lived in California.
It sure has been a whirlwind!

I haven't experienced the depression I usually have at this time of year. I have experienced the pain I have when its gloomy and damp and colder.

I have spent the last year adjusting to not having chaos and confusion in my life.
I have spent the last year in a lot of isolation yet it has been healthy.

Its enabled me to get a clear picture of what was valuable to me and where the toxicity in my life came from.
I have forgiven and moved forward.

Even with the children of mine who choose for whatever reasons to disassociate with me, I have forgiven.
I questioned, grieved and went through all the emotions one goes through when there is a loss.
I have moved forward.

I can't change them; I can only change how I react to them.

The lesson for me was to learn boundaries and to focus on those who have a positive impact on my life.
The same with siblings and friends.

I knew I made major strides when recently Oscar contacted me through e-mail and I felt nothing towards him.
I didn't feel love or hate; just indifferent.

I no longer live in fear of what may happen. Or fear of what has happened.

I celebrate the joy in my life every day and there is much joy to celebrate.

God is good. Time does heal. There is a season for everything.
I think I have left the winter of my life and am entering into the spring.

The winter was cold, gloomy and a time to be dormant.
The spring is a rebirth, a renewed interest in life and all there is to accomplish.

So even though the calendar and weather patterns say its wintertime, in my personal life its sunny and the new growth is budding!

Maybe this is a bipolar moment but I don't think so.
I think its just a moment and that makes me smile to realize there is a difference.

MenWhoLookLikeKennyRogers.com

2005-12-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

This is just too funny!

MenWhoLookLikeKennyRogers.com

The Leagacy project

2005-11-12T14:29:00.000-08:00

In Dear Abby yesterday this site was mentioned and its an awesome project.
http://www.warletters.com/mission/index.html
I couldn't go without mentioning it here so that others could find this resource.

I, myself need to preserve e-mails to hard copy and archive them so they are saved.

Peruse the letters and be in touch with part of your history.

Blogging--A New Leisure Option

2005-11-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

BusinessWeek online points to an AP article about how bloggling has become a new leisure option for senior citizens. Anyone care to comment?

Blogging--A New Leisure Option

Veteran's Day

2005-11-11T17:31:00.000-08:00

Today is the day we Americans take to honor our Vetrans, past and present.

I am proud to take part in this celebration.
I have a son who is serving this country on the U.S.S. John F. Kennedy today.
It is with immense pride that I honor him as well as all the Veterans I personally have known and those I haven't.

This country is what is today because of the selfless service all those men and women have given since its inception.
From the Revolutionary War up to todays' War in Iraq many average, everyday people have stepped up to the plate and put on a uniform in defense of our freedoms.

Tonight I sit here and think of the families who have given service by standing alongside their family member and sacrificed peace of mind, time at family gatherings, a hug and kiss at night, a wink at an inside joke, and many more everyday feeling too numerous to mention in support of their loved one.

At this moment I don't know exactly where in the world my own son is. I know he would much rather be home in Texas raiding the refrigerator, playing with his dog, getting ready for a date with his fiancee, talking to his sister, taking a nap, being told to take out the trash, having to report tomorrow for a civilian job.

I remember the first time I saw him in uniform.
I was awestruck. He was my personal hero. I knew what it took for him to wear that uniform.
He had not had it easy those few years previous to enlisting.
We had watched the events of 9/11 and knew the graphic reality of what wearing that uniform meant.

And my next feeling seeing him in that uniform was trepidation. he was my baby; my last born.
His whole life up to that moment flashed before me.
I saw the tiny infant that fought to be grown up even at one day old. I saw the little baby crawling around who chipped his first tooth on the bathtub.
I saw the 2 yr. old who went down in my driveway and his heart stopped and his Dad had to give him CPR.
I saw the little boy who loved his doll, Lester.
I saw the little skinny legged tyke wearing the red boots and making up the most awesome stories.
I saw the little guy that would sneak his finger into the chocoalte cake icing thinking he wasn't caught.
I saw the older boy who was so interested in what everyone else did for a job and curious to know if he could grow up to do the same thing.

I saw the scared 6 yr. old who accidentally set fire to my bedroom playing with a lighter and I later took to the Fire Marshall to put the fear of God in him.

I saw the 8 yr. old boy in a Cub Scout uniform having his first and only birthday party in our humble home.
I saw the 10 yr. old who had an accident on his bike when the handlebar and front wheel came off and we had to rush him to the hospital.

I saw the 12 yr. old trying to tell me a yarn when i found a Playboy magazine hidden in his pillowcase!
I saw the 14 yr. old taken away in handcuffs because he had been accused of something another family did but wouldn't take responsibility for.

I saw the young man who assisted his family through their personal tradegy because of a flood.
I saw the young man who thought I didn't know was drinking and cussing and thought he was all grown up.

I saw the young man who got in trouble because the "friends" he chose were the wrong crowd.
I saw the uninspired, depressed, wandering young male with no sense of direction in his late teens and early 20's.

I saw the compassion he had for others in times of need. the desperation and hopelesness he had when too many school friends died through drunk driving and suicide.

I saw the battles a young man and his mother went through.
I saw the love he had for the first girl he was ever really serious about and watched it unfold.

And that day I saw in him a fear deep inside because he knew in a matter of days he was being sent off to a farawy place without family or friends nearby and the unknown before him. That place was called Afganisistan. We were looking for some lunatic we really didn't know much about named Osama Bin Laden. And his ship was going to support that mission.

I also saw a pride he hadn't known up to that point as neighbors and friends gave him the recognition due him for donning that uniform.

Today I am proud of him for his service as an American yet as his Mother I am scared, uneasy and anxious and miss him tremendously.

My story is one of thousands. my story is not unique.
Mothers all across this country have their own story to tell.
Iam proud to be an American and PJ, I am proud of you.

Happy birthday PJ!

2005-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Today my "baby" is 25 yrs old.

He has been such a blessing to me; not always were there good times but even when there rough times we learned together what "through thick and thin" meant.

The pregnancy was very difficult; I was in and out of the hospital 28 times to stop labor from week 6 on.

His was the longest pregnancy of the four; he was due the 19th of Novemner and was born the 9th.
The doctors had told me he would be the biggest; more than 6 lbs. All the others were under 5 lbs.
Well, they were wrong. He was the smallest at 5lbs 3 ozs and 17 inches long.

He was so tiny; 5 inches longer than a ruler. I had to cut newborn Pampers in half and use masking tape for diapers until i got hooked up with P&G for preemie Pampers.
His little butt fit into the heel of my hand; newborn sleepers were swimming on him. His feet came to the crotch and I would pin up the legs to the back of the sleepers at the shoulders!

He was the first of mine born in the winter; the first with reddish hair.
I had dreamed of someday having a redheaded, freckle faced little tyke and I guess God knew he would be the last so he gave me PJ as a special gift.

Dan had made me promise if the new baby was another sister we would adopt a "brother" for him; I was happy to call early that Monday morning before school and announce "we have a brother"!

Dan and Steph were at their Dad's and Mandy was at a friend's house. My family was scattered.

I remember the day PJ was born; it was a Sunday. I had been sent home -again- from the hospital with instructions to get to the hospital as fast as i could if I went into labor again.
They discovered the placenta was front and he was in an abnormal breech position.

They instructed me if my water broke I would have 15 minutes to get to the hospital before the placenta would try to come first and the baby and I could hemmorage to death.
This was in the very early days of HMO's and unfortunately they aren't a lot better today.

I pleaded with them to let me stay; we lived 25 minutes away by ambulance.
I was so scared and pissed off.

So the contractions started and I went to my best friend Joyce's house down the street from Dan and Steph's Dad to wait. I was determined this time when Ii finally entered that hospital they weren't going to send me away.
So I endured contractions until they were 2 minutes apart before I left for the hospital.

I was sick of the in and out and sick of my family being interupted and living apart and wanted some semblance of normalcy back to our lives.

So they gave me the epidureal saying it wouldn't be long but then the doc got an emergency C-section which tied him up for awhile.
Meanwhile they were waiting for the water to break; they didn't believe me that it never broke on its own.

By the time the doc came back and examined me I could tell by the look on his face that something was amiss.
The water was now protruding and he had to take by hypodermic needle.

When he completed he looked at the clock as it was past 11:30 PM and asked if I wanted to wait until "tommorow".
I said, " hell no, lets get this show on the road!' And PJ was born at 11:39.

He was sent into the neonatal PICU right away because of his size.
He was an exact replica of his Dad as Dan had been of his Dad.

Right before delivery I was given another epidureal because the first one had worn off.
It took effect in the recovery room. I remeber being so cold and shaking when the pediatrcian came in to tell me " he may be little but he has all his working parts and he's using them".

I told the pediatrician I thought maybe he was born to be a Marine! Ironic, when he grew up he wanted to be a Marine but ended in the Navy instead.

When he was little he would say he and I were gonna get married when he was 37! And he would buy me a Winnebago and we'd go camping all our married time!

He was given red snowboots by his Grandma in Ohio when he was 3. ( we lived in TX).
He loved those boots. Our next door neighbor nicknamed him Rambo Red Boots. here he was this skinny little guy with the heart of a Giant.

He had the most wonderful imagination. He would make up the most interwesting, fascinating stories.
He had been given a doll he named Lester for Christmas. Lester was his responsibility and he took it serious!

Through the years he was the one I would get called to school about; he was the one who had run-ins with the police but he was still my wonderful PJ.

Now, he's all grown up and serving out country; I don't talk to him. His choice.

Family dynamics are such that our family is disjointed now.
The only one of my kids who keeps in touch is Dan.

I just want PJ to know that whereever he is today his Mommy is thinking of him and wishing him nothing but the best.

Maybe someday I will get to bake another cake and he can run his finger through the icing and I will pretend I didn't know it was him.

trip to Oroville

2005-11-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Bob and I took a trip to Oroville, CA to see his cousin and check out the community.
http://oroville-city.com/

Bob will be retiring after the new year and he wants to retire to Oroville.

Oroville is a community of approximately 12-13ooo people near the foothills of the Sierra Mtns. its about an hour north of Sacramento.

Its big enough to have a Wal-Mart but not large enough for a Target! Actually, it has about anything you could really need and most of what you'd want.

The town gets its name from the early settlers who came for the gold rush.The saying "in them thar hills " would be appropriate.

Lake Oroville is right on the outskirts of town. The dam was created about 35 yrs ago.

There is a lot of historic preservation in town; they still have the Chinese temple used by all the Chinese immigrants who worked there during the gold rush.Those people eventually left and took jobs with the railroads when the gold mining ceased.

The climate is Meditterean and therefore there is a large olive grove near the area.
Another industry is a cannery that is supported by the salmon and other fishes found in the Lake.

It can get as hot as 110 degrees in the summer and has snowed a few times during the 25 years bob's cousin has lived there.
There is more of a season change because its further north than the Bay area.

There are a couple casinos in town; one of which we visited Friday night.That was my first visit to a casino.
We enjoyed a fabulous seafood buffet before we took in a little entertainment and playing the slot machines.I was more of an observer;Bob won enough back from the Wheel Of Fortune slot to recoup our expenses for the evening.

Saturday we toured the city to get a feel for the community starting with one of the restaurants that boast a $1.99 breakfast. We ended up choosing a $3.99 breakfast which was terrific.
It was a nice restaurant with good food and great service and very friendly.
I joked that we could still eat there after retirement even though we both were on fixed incomes!

Oroville is in a valley surrounded by the mtns.Very scenic.
we found a couple over 55 senior mobile home parks to further investigate.One won an award in 2003 for being the best park that year.it was amazingly clean, well organized, and landscaped.
The other, and the one we may choose, was older but equally as nice but more wooded and rustic; just a short distance from the Lake.

Neither of us wants the upkeep of a yard or other related expenses or chores so that is why we are thinking of going in that direction.
It would be hard to find a small lot; most have acreage involved.

His cousin lives on 2 acres and although it was nice to visit there we both know it would be more than we would want to be responsible for at this stage in our lives.

We met a few people while there; one couple lives on the adjoining acreage next to marty and operate a fruit stand on the conjoined driveways.
They leave apples in cartons at the fruit stand and everyone is on the honor system to leave their $2.00 in a box provided. thye have never had a problem with someone not paying or stealing the money.

Another relative, husband of Martys late husbands ex-wife came by to use the telephone to report his phone was out. He was recently out of the hospital with a heart condition and needed his service working so the phone company agreed to get someone to fix it that day. Try that in a big city!

I saw my first wood pellet stove. It seems to be an efficient source of heat and apparantly everyone has them there.

The trip went too fast and I look forward to the possibility of living there soon.

update on Pamela Vitale case

2005-10-28T07:55:00.000-07:00

Today in my local paper is a picture of Scott Dyleski who is charged with Pam's murder.

I am so outraged that he is trying to now pass himself off as this clean cut, well rounded, all American kid.

He is so far from that its beyond description.

He is a calculating, evil spirited Monster and animal.

Yes he may be disturbed but I personally know a few people who are disturbed and they aren't the vicious killer this animal is.

He is a classic sociopath in my opinion. He has no conscience, no moral standard, no spiritualness that would or could redeem him.

He is a classic example of an abuser.

He plotted a credit card scheme to faciliate a marijuana operation. He invaded the privacy of neighbors. This was calculated and perperated over a period of time.

Someone got in his way; his "perfect" plan had imperfections.
He manipulated the situation to be in his favor. Aand he manipulated others to hide his imperfections.

He is without fault in his mind because he had a few bad breaks in his life.

Now, his mother is in jail for assisting his escape and not accepting resposnsibility for his actions.

Its reported after this crime he went to his girlfriends house to have sex. And if that isn't sick and demented I don't know what is.

This week even more details were given in this crime against Pam. More details that prove the brutality of this Monster.

It wasn't enough to beat her to death; she was stabbed in her abdomen, a cut 4 inches deep.

That takes force; it wasn't an accident.

The repeated blows to the head that crushed her skull were evidence of someone in a fit of rage.

A big screen TV was moved from its spot in the midst of this struggle.

I am so proud of her to have put up a valiant fight to the end. It will be her words, voice, look in her eyes, her energy that will haunt him the rest of his life.

She was smart. She gathered all the evidence she could in those final moments to help solve this crime. She made sure there were clues left behind.

I believe this Monster led a life of evil and Pam led a life of good and in the end good won out over evil.

She was planning her dream home to every detail; she was planning on attending the ballet later that day.

That tells me something about the gentleneness and spirit of this woman.

No, he is not a clean cut All American young man. And I am so sick of defense teams that attempt to portray their clients in such a way.

If he was proud to be Goth on the outside before he was locked up he should be proud to continue that image. However, isn't it ironic that the manipulater gets manipulated?

Isn't it ironic in this case of ironies that the person who calculated all the details and rebelled against authority now has to succumb to authority?

Isn't it ironic that this evil person will now try to prey upon the symphaty of 12 people whom he
would have felt superior to in the outside world?
And isn't it ironic that because of his age he can't get the death penalty so he will hear and see pam's image for many. many. many years to come?

The only good I can find is that he is off the streets and will not harm anyone else.
Someone capable of this could only get worse. He was most likely capable of being a serial killer in the future.

Each time someone got in his way or couldn't be manipulated they would have been disposable.

There are probably some who will feel sorry for him because of his age. I don't.

I've known people who grew up in dire circumstances but yet chose right from wrong.

This was not someone mentally challenged. He was bright. He had resources available to him.
He used his intelligence the wrong way.

My heart goes out to the family of Pam Vitale. I can only imagine their horror and loss.

My regret that they have had and will continue to have this case confront them for the unforseeable future.

My sorrow for them that they have had to lose such an intregal person in their lives.

My sympathy is for this family; not some conjured symphathy for a display of intended manipulation of a person who is made to look more human.

Murder solved and other news

2005-10-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

As many may know a 16 yr old young man was arrested in the Pamela Vitale murder.

It is such a tragic story as all are but the ironies in this case make it stand out.

This boy was a neighbor whose mother had been helped pro bono by Dan Horrowitz, Pamela's husband.

She was beaten and bludgeoned 39 times in the head by a piece of crown moulding and another piece of lumber from the dream house she and her husband were having built.

This dream home was designed by her and every square inch of it was planned in detail by her.
This home would have been completed 4 months ago had the builder not become ill. The home was going to equipped with every conceivable security measure due to the nature of Dan's work.
Had she lived in the dream home the boy would not have gained access to the property.

This young man had become involved with a Goth cult after his sister was killed in a car accident a couple of years ago.
He is apparently a very bright young man.
He took his GED test last year and was attending a local college.
He is a former Boy Scout.

He left her with a Gothic cross he slashed into her back; almost as a signature.
Then, when finished proceeded to go take a long shower and get something to drink before leaving this home.

The motive apparently was involved in a credit card scheme he ans some friends were perpetrating on some neighbors.
They gained access to accounts and it's reported he was expecting a shipment of equipment to be delivered to the property of the Hoorowitz family;a shipment needed to use for the purposes of culivating a marijuana farm.

The crime scene was horrific and Dan has stated "she put up a hell of a fight". I'm quite sure that fight helped solve this crime.

Here is this man who vehemently is a defender of defendants and has had to experience this horrendous crime to the woman he loved.

He knew what he was witnessing when he entered the home and found her.How surreal to have viewed so many crime scene photographs and to see one from your eyes in your own home with your own loved one.

On one hand he was the surviving, grieving husband and the other he was the criminal defense attorney protecting a crime scene.

Anther irony was the case that took him away from his home early that morning was another high profile murder case in the neighboring community.

And because he was considered a suspect all his data from that case was confiscated. So what happens now?
The very department that investigated the other murder now has access to priveleged information.
The coroner that did the other autoposy was the same one who did Pamela's.
One of the defense claims was that the autoposy was botched; so that coroners professional opinions will be brought to light in both murder cases.

How does Susan Polk get a fair trial when the other side now has access to all her priveleged information?

By all accounts both Dan and Pamela were giving, loving, generous people and didn't flaunt their wealth or notoriety but used it to help others.And one of the others was the very one who took her life.

Another news story from the Bay area that has received some attention is the mother who threw her 3 children off Pier 7 in San Fransisco.
She is reported to be a victim of domestic vilence and is mentally ill.
Conflicting reports say she either went off her meds or was taken off.
Now, 3 children are dead in another horrific crime.

The same day a young adult, reportd to again be mentally ill chose to speed in front of a school with children walking home and hit a parked car that was shoved into a crowd of children and a brother and sister were killed and several others critically injured.
One report said he was known to not like young children.

But on a brighter note a young woman was surfboarding in the Bay and was attacked by a shark but has miraculously survived.She was a centimeter of losing her life.Had the shark bit her one centimeter from where it did it would have hit her juggular vein.
She was rescued and is expected to go home today.

And the really bright spot in my news is ---The Astros!

First time in franchise history they are going to the World Series.

Everyone expects the White Sox to win but Iwouldn't rule out the 'stros. tthey got to where they did by holding up in clutch circumstances.

Roger Clemens Mom on the day she died predicted that day that the Astros would win 10-2 and
he was scheduled to pitch that night. He told his sister it would be a miracle because all season they hadn't given him any real run support. they won, 10-2.

She claimed to have seen Shoeless Joe talk to her 4 X's that day and he told her it would be the White sox and the Astros in the series. At that time both teams were struggling and it wasn't a shoe in if they would even be in the playoffs.

I am a lifelong baseball fan; bred into me by my Mother.
I can remeber hearing many games on our little green Westinghouse radio that had the two gold knobs and the melted spot on top.

I see my mother ironing listening to the game as I write this! She was a Reds fan through and through.
We even wondered the year she died if she wasn't hanging on to make sure her Reds and her Pete Rose won the series.

So now we have my Mom and Rogers Mom in heaven and although my Mom might not be an Astros fan shee will be rooting for the National League.

So don't rule out those Astros just yet. the power of prayer between a Mom and the Big guy can be pretty powerful!

From my lips to my Mom's energy to God's ears there can be hope!

Go Astros!

In memory of Pamela Vitale

2005-10-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I dedicate this post to the memory of Pamela Vitale; a woman I did not know but wish I had.

As many who have watched the news recently know there has been a high profile murder case here in Contra Costa County.

It is the case of Susan Polk, a woman who is accused of murdering her husband; she claims its was self defense.

Just to refresh, this is the case of the woman who had been her husban's patient and by all accounts an affair strted when she was 15 years old.

The accounts I have read and based on my own personal knowlege of domestic violence , her case appears to be classic.

Her attorney was Daniel Horowitz. He was Pamela Vitale's husband.

In the most bizarre, twisted, unusual, contorted, heart wrenching set of circumstances the two families became more intertwined than anyone could have ever guessed when he took this case.

Mr. Horowitz himself became a statistic of violent crime Saturday.

He came home from an all day session preparing for Susan's trial to find his wife brutally and viciously murdered in their doorway.

By every account this family was epitome of love, support, graciousness, kindness, emphathy, supportive, caring and helpful.

Although they were a high profile family they were also top notch people.

Everything i have read and heard on Pamela Vitale has been nothing but good.
Not that anyone would deserve to die so tragically, but she certainly didn't.

No one can dispute that they were a couple very much in love; supported each other in every way;lived their lives to represent the way they felt towards each other.

They were in the process of building a grand home, their dream home.It may seem ostentatious to those of us who don't live that lifestyle but they had earned it- together.

I see the image of her face in print and in the TV screen and just know she was a warm and kind and fun person.

You see that smile and wish you could have heard the laugh that came with it.

The world was a better place because she was here and will miss something now because she isn't.

The same law enforcement department that has investigated the Polk case is now under way investigating this case. The same coroner that did the autoposy in the Ppolk case had to perform the task of the autoposy in this case. The same courthouse that Mr. Horowitz had walked into as a defender of the defense in the Polk case will someday enter that building as the grieving husband and prosecution witness in another high profile case.

The ironies are too much for words.

Right now, we in this community just think of him as another victim in the ongoing horrendous wave of crime in this country.
He isn't a high profile attorney but a grieving husband who has lost the love of his life.

His life will never be the same with Pamela's loss and the community will never be the same because she is no longer present in this community.

Today, my thoughts and prayers go out to this family and every family who has become a victim of crime in any form.

To Pamela, you are in a better place but you will be sorely missed.

Word Verification for Comments

2005-10-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I've just stopped by to inform you that I've enabled word verification for comments. I've noticed some comment spam showing up here.

For those that don't like it, I have one thing to ask: hunt down and kill each and every comment spammer!

Comment spam = bad
Good comment from actual human = good

Okay, I'm done. Now back to your regular blogging!

P.S. You can stop by to see what I'm up to at Journey Inside My Mind.

Dan's podcast on domestic violence walkathon

2005-10-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at the talent and expertise my son Dan had in putting this podcast together.

I don't say this because he is my son; it is of similar quality as you would find in a network broadcast.

It is emotional, uplifting, informative and puts a face so to speak on this issue.

What a tribute and testament to Cheryl Dawson and the life she led. And its in celebration of her life that is inspiring and the facts surrounding her murder at the hands of one who professed to love that are poignant.

Unfortunately, Cheryl was one of many. I didn't know her personally but I know her. In listening to the comments by those who did know her personally I got a glimpse of who she really was.

Cheryl was more than a domestic violence statistic.
She was a wife, Mom, daughter, friend, employee, church member. she lived in a community that was like any other community.

She was educated. In many ways she was abnormally normal.

Inside her day to day life she lived a horrible existence. She lived in fear, desperation, isolation; she attempted to change her circumstances and for that she was murdered in broad daylight on a busy downtown street.

Her story is too often repeated.

The most dangerous time for a woman who is a domestic violence situation is when she has taken action to leave those circumstances.

Unless and until we all rise up to educate ourselves about the Cycle of Violence her story and those of too many will be repeated.

The victims of domestic violence are not just the statistic who has a name and face and life.
We are all victims.
We are robbed of living in a society where families live harmoniously. Children grow up witnessing not only unspeakable acts but the loss of dignity and serenity.

Not every case of domestic violence is as dramatic as Cheryl's.

Some just live with the day to day barage of verbal assualt.Some live with financial restrictions.
Some live with loss of freedom, independance and control. Some live with educational restriction. some live with the the just the threat of these things.

What is common throughout is the powerlessness. Domestic Violence is insidious.
It hardly ever starts out to be as big as it ends up.

A rude comment said in jest; a comment about how long it took to return from the store said with a sense of love that the person just missed your presence.

A conversation that your friends don't have your best interest at heart but the person who claims to love does.And those comments become convincing until you doubt your own judgement.
An isolation from family convincing you that your people just don't like this person and you took a vow to cleave unto him.

The way you dress or wear makeup or style your hair is brought into question and to please you transform yourself into the person he wants you to be.

Comments are made that question your sexuality and your ability to mother; your femininity is devalued.

Often, these are the same comments you heard as a child made to your mother. Although unpleasant they seem normal.

If you were brought up in a home that abuse was normal abuse will look normal in your home.

Being a nurturing female you want to please so you are the one who accomodates. You feel responsible because the males in your life told you that you are.

These things happen long before the first slap.

And often the its some time before the first slap turns into a punch, a kick, a shove.

And he is always sorry and you choose to believe it because by then you are not only beaten up, you are also beaten down.

The promises are made that it will never happen again and it doesn't, ---until the next time.
And the next time happens more frequent until its an everyday occurence and in its insanity it also begins to appear "normal".

Meanwhile you have retreated into a place inside yourself that no one knows exists trying to hang on.

Its always your fault.Its the if only's, the you should or shouiln't haves, the I wishes.

Its always I love you, but....

And one day you through the grace of God Almighty decide to end it.

It may be because of your children; it may be because someone got through to you. it may be for a reason you don't even know how to articulate.

The human spirit is fragile yet resourceful.

There is fear and trepidation along with exhilaration and excitement.

Get in touch with a women's center, have a safety plan.
Help is available.
There can be life away from abuse. I know.I'm living it.

Its a journey. its a struggle. Its difficult.

Yet its the life free from condemnation that is the rainbow waiting for you.

Hello from Dan, Jennie, and Keisha

2005-10-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is Dan, momentarily hi-jacking this blog to encourage you to check out my blog, where I've talked (literally, if you listen to the podcast) about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The picture you see above is of me and my family at the YWCA in Cincinnati this past Saturday.

I'm going to hand control of this blog back to my Mom now. Bye!

Pedophiles- we are after you

2005-10-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

Watching the Oprah Winfrey show was such a moving, powerful experience.

She has called for this nation to rise up and say enough is enough when it comes to pedophiles being allowed to walk our streets, steal and rape and murder our children.I, for one, intend to stand and be counted.

http://www2.oprah.com/index_du.jhtml

go to this link for all the information.

As I have said most of my life and hearing Oprah say it today just furthers the validity there is no such thing as a recovering pedohile.

They are not rehabilitated; they are warehoused and let out, assuming they are even caught, only to victimize over and over and over again.

She gave an example of one of these animals who has spent his time in jail writing journals in explicit detail as to how with precision he will reoffend.

As a nation we all need to be so sick of this that we rise up in the streets and demand an end to this.
Its not someone else's child.They are our children. We each are responsible.It takes a village.

And until this country decides it doesn't matter if its your son, husband, father, uncle, cousin, nephew or brother that is the pedohile and they need to be stopped it will continue and it will become even more heinous.

A few years ago we were shocked and appalled that a child would be abducted from her home from her own bed; raped and killed and left like last weeks trash waiting to be found .

We tolerate it still today because we have not risen up and said "NO MORE".

We need a national policy that one crime and you are improsined for the rest of you natural life in these cases.

And personally to me thats getting off easy.

These predators are no more than diabolical anim,als stalking prey.

One recent case the predator watched the family inside their home with night vision goggles to learn their movements.
This literally sickens me.My stomach turns when I think of it.

I was a victim of a pedohile within my own family.And it went on and on and on.

Why did it happen to me?
Only because I was available and weaker did it happen to me.It happened to other family members. Later another family member victimized me in a different way.

A nephew assaulted a boy that was like a grandson to me in my home. I had him arrested.Since then he has reoffended again, more than once.
We found out that time in my home wasn't his first offense.And, that he was a victim of his brother and who victimized the brother?

Its enough. It has to stop. its become a national epidemic.If this were a killer virus we would all be up in arms.

Right now. over 100,000 sex offenders are roaming the streets unaccounted for because they violated their parole.

Each one of the crimes we have heard and read about in recent years it wasn't the first time this person committed this type of act.
Some have repeat histories of 25 years or more. And they get more heinous each time they act.

Think about that the next time you look into a childs face. Look them into the eye and say out loud "I couldn't care about you because I am too busy with my own life".

If we had to do that each and every time we saw a child anywhere, it would stop.

So all pedophiles everywhere across this country- tag your it now.
We are coming after you. Now, you will be hunted down for the animal you are.
You can't find a place that someone in this country won't recognize you.
You are outed as of now.

You want to play dirty; well ,we will match you at your own game.

However devious you may be we will know.We will be watching. We will know your sick, deviant behavior and you can be locked up with other animals just like you.
Maybe if you are lucky you will be in solitary confinement because the most hated criminal is prison is a pedohile.
Even the worst criminals despise you.

Your face will be plastered on TV, billboards and any other medium we can find.
Just like an exterminator spraying a fog for roaches you will be found; you will be hunted down; you will be snuffed out.

America is pissed off and is fighting back. And its about damn time.

Domestic Violence

2005-09-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month -

As many who know me I am a survivor of domestic violence myself.
Some of my experiences have been chronicled here in past postings.

I am away from the perpetrator who committed the last acts of violence on me that drove me from my home into a shelter for more than a year now yet the effects are still with me.

And the effects of all the abuse I suffered over my lifetime that allowed me to be in that situation stay with me today.

Domestic Violence is insiduous.
It does not discriminate against age, sex, religion, economic background, history, ethnic origin or educational level.

It permeates throughout our lives each and every day.

We work with, live next door to, go to church with, shop with, bank with, attend sporting events, gossip with, hire out for skills, and eat at resturants with all kinds of abusers on a daily basis.

An abuser doesn't look like anyone else but yourself.There is no identyfying mark on his/her forehead to distiguish them from another more civil person.

That person more than likely has told the victim a thousand times how much they are loved.
That person more likely than not has voted in elections. That person has attended church at some point in their life if not regularly.
That person may have served in the armed forces of our country or someone country they share allegiance.
That person often has a mortgage, pays for credit card debt and braces for their child teeth.
That person often has a degree from an institution of higher learning or a skill learned from a trade in which they are employed.

You wouldn't necessarily know an abuser just by looking at them.

However, there are traits that are classic. Once one is educated as to what they are they are flags that need to be noted.
I learned these flags while I was lodged in a domestic violence shelter.

I consider myself an educated person; I read more than one newspaper a day, Ii read all kinds of information online, I watch the news and some talk shows, I listen to broadcasts on major news networks and cable.
I thought I was informed.
Yet, I didn't know all that there was to know.I was ignorant of many facts.

And when it is what you knew from your earliest memories you are clouded to reality.
It appears as normal although unpleasant.
It appears as there is always an explanation absolving the abuser of his guilt.

I hope to provide information this month coming up in thiss forum to help educate those who may be as ignorant as I was. To personalize it in some way to reach those who may still be living with it on a daily basis.To assist those who want to change their destiny as it is today in showing there is another way.

I am one of many who are living proof it can stop; there is another way to live.

My son Dan is addressing this issue also on his blog- journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com

You may not be able to change your abuser.I couldn't. However, you can change your environment.

One of the classic symptoms of an abuser is not to be recognized as one so they will convince you its you, not them who has a problem.

You do have problems if you are living with abuse but you aren't the perpetrator.

If you suspect someone is a victim of domestic violence or if you yourself are a victim I urge you to contact someone.Clergy, United Way, the YWCA, a crisis hotline, look in the phone book under womens center or some type of listing such as that or call your local law enforcement are places that can provide assistance to help.

You don't have to live like that one more day. Not even one more hour. It can stop.

Hurricane Rita and memories of Galveston

2005-09-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am watching the news coverage of impending Hurricane Rita expected to hit the Texas coast within the next 24 hrs.

I remember my first visit to Galveston Island.

Christmas Day, 1981.

Paul and Ii and the kids had moved to Houston that previous July. Having no family in TX with us and not having the usual tradition of the "Mitchell's" gathering at my house for the holiday I decided to do something different and unusual.

This was predicated on the unusual Thanksgiving we just had.We ate our Thanksgiving dinner outside at the picnic table.
To keep the theme going I decided we should go to the beach for Christmas Day.

Keep in mind we were transplants from Ohio.
The previous Christmas was spent in temperatures of 20+ below zero degrees with wind chill factor of over 60 below.

It was a beautiful TX winter day that day.Sunshine, virtually no wind and 76 degrees.
There were pictures taken of all the kids playing on the beach and out in the Gulf. Paul and I even went out to knee deep water just to say we were in the ocean on Christmas Day.We joked with friends and family back in Ohio "what were you doing Christmas Day"? "We spent the day at the beach"!

The drive there was an awesome experience for us. Yes, we were the typical tourists!

We saw for the first time the huge palm trees, some you could tell had been bent and damaged by previous tropical storms which only added to the awe.
We saw for the first time the houses built on stilts as you went through the Texas coastal cities leading up to the causeway.
We were astounded that most had boat slips instead of garages.
We saw a Kip's big boy restaurant. We decided to stop. We were used to our Frisch's big boy restaurants back in Cincinnati and longed for a Big Boy hamburger that was defined by its own tartar sauce; the precursor to the Big Mac. The Big Boy was an institution.

Imagine our disappointment when the sandwiches were delivered with a thousand island like dressing instead of the famous Big Boy tartar sauce we were used to.
They thought we were crazy.A hamburger with tartar sauce?! And, we used a side of it for our french fries! OOOH how icky!

We learned on subsequent stops there to ask for them dry and a side of tartar sauce.And whenever someone visited from Ohio they were enlisted to bring along a couple pints of tartar sauce with them.

So we arrived on the Island and were just amazed at the sights.
The shops that displayed the beach type souveneirs; the restaurants; the Strand and the historical buildings that had survived the 1900 devasting hurricane.

The building I was always most impressed with on each visit to Galveston was "The Bishop's House".

We made a few more trips over the years to Galveston but none were as memorable as the first.
There was the time a crab attached itself to mandy's butt which was sort of appropriate since she is a Cancer.

The few times we took the ferry over to Bolivar Penisula and Crystal Beach because it wasn't as touristy.

After Paul and I were divorced Galveston and Bolivar continued to give me memories with other men I dated.

Jerry and I went fishing a couple of times.Gary took me for a weekend to his sister's beach house on Crystal beach for a weekend.

I regret I didn't get to spend more time there.
As happens anywhere you live you get into a groove of everyday life and those places become less important.

I never spent Mardi Gras on the Island; I didn't take just one day and ignore the beach and spend it just on the Strand.
I never went at the holidays and appreciated " Dickens on the Strand".
I always meant to; there was always another time I could in the back of my mind.

Now, I no longer live there and may never get back to that place at those times.
Galveston may not even exist as I knew it after this weekend.

She wasn't the grand lady she had been before the 1900 hurricane but she was splendid in her own unique way.

I no longer have pictures because another storm robbed me of those but I do have the vision, scent, sound,feel inside my head.

We don't know where this storm may land but we do know the Texas coast and inland for many miles will be altered.

As they say in TX and its worth saying here, God bless Texas.

SSD update

2005-09-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,I received in the mail my notice from Social Security explaining my benefits.

They have determined they are declaring me disabled from June 1, 2002 but because of the requirement that once declared the claimant still has to wait 5 months for benefits to start my benefits will be backdated to November, 2002.

Here is the real kicker.
They have determined that my benefits will be $247.00 starting the month of November this year.I will get a partial payment of $168.80 on or about the second Wednesday of the month.

$247.00 a month until I reach retirement age and then I would fall into regular Social Security.

I had been told early on that i could expect a minum of $850.00 so i do not understand what the discrepancy is.The attorney even filed papers to be payed 25%of the amount of the estimated $850.00 month so I know I did not just make this up or dream it.

How does one live on less than $250.00 a month?

I can be very frugal and reduce my needs to next to nothing but there is still the rent, utilities, transportation, medical costs.
I will have to wash my clothes, brush my teeth, wipe my a--, wash my dishes.

Is this how disabled people are treated in this country?

Even if I were to find a way to have free housing and utility assistance the needs are still there.
My actual benefit is would be $325.00 a month but they deduct for the Medicare benefit.
Then to have better coverage I have to get medicare B which still doesn't pay completely for doctor visits or total prescriptions.

I feel like I have been sentenced to a remainder of my lifetime to be at the mercy of the kindness and genorosity of other people.

Where is the margin for dignity to care for oneself or to be self-sufficient?

My present situation is that I don't have worry about a roof over my head or food to eat.
However, the reality of my situation is that there are needs I have that this person can't and shouldn't have to provide.

I am now in a position that I have to have in the back of my mind constantly what will I do if this situation changes here?
I have been in too many situations that at the drop of a hat my life changes because the person I am with changes.

I do not know security.I have never known security.I have only known what I could provide for myself.
When I was able to work I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to help take care of my kids or myself.

I am no longer able to do that and its very frightening.

Is this sometimes the cause why you see people living on the streets or under bridges?
is this why some choose prostitution or illegal activity to be engaged in?

Social Security was concerned because of my past victimization yet they have victimized me also.

I may be physically impaired and have mental illness but I am still a feeling, thinking member of this country.
I am angry. I am in shock and actually in a state of numbness. I am confused. I am scared.
I feel hopeless and am struggling to find the joy in my life.

I started the day in search of my new purpose in life.
I have spent the last 4 years so focused on this and what the difference it would make to me personally.

The " me, persoanlly" has been removed from the equation because all things concerning me now are predicated by someone else.

There are no options.No decisions to be made by me.

So now, I am one of the poorest of the poor.
Not by choice; not because I didn't try to make a better life.
I lived my life productively. I made mistakes throughout the living of my life but little of those mistakes would change the outcome of the situation I am in today.

The mental illness was passed to me genetically. We still don't know the cause of fibromyalgia.
The arthritis and degenarative disc disease I don't think were caused by my parents or siblings, ex-husbands or partners or friends I chose or children I had.

I still believe in my God and I know He hasn't forsaken me.He promised me that.He has been the constant in my life.

I will survive.
I just don't know how.

Happy Birthday

2005-09-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

Today is my 53 rd birthday and I am glad to still be around to celebrate.

I have received greetings from my online friends as wells as family.I am amazed am humbled by the kind thoughts and wishes.
Dan's Nanacast at journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com is very touching that he would put so much thought and planning from a simple phone conversation with Keisha.

The song he chose " has anyone seen my gal" was so appropriate for my life.

I have received calls from a couple of new friends as well which was so thoughtful.

I never have made a big deal of my birthday; growing up it wasn't always a pleasant day.After I was married it was never a special day.
So this attention being called to myself is somewhat uncomfortable yet appreciated.

Bob had cards placed around the house with gifts attached that I have discovered throughout the day. He too, was so thoughtful.

The day is overshadowed however by the tragedy unfolding this week in the Gulf Coast and New Orleans in particular.
There are images that we will take to our graves as we do every disaster we witness.
I am traumatized in some ways by reliving my own experience when I flooded and lost everything.
And what I went through was nothing compared to what some of these people suffered this week.

What you don't get from TV is the smell of polluted water, the stench of rotting everything, the smell of death that you can't escape from.The feel of the slimy, oily water filled with human and animal feces rubbing against your skin, the snakes and fire ants balled up floating toward anything they can attach to and if its you -beware.The feel of the force of water straining against you as you try to wade through it when its chest deep and its crushing your lungs.
To try to hold on to a family member because if you let go they will be swept away and die and the dread and guilt that accompanies it.The psche is affected because as a parent you should have prevented your child somehow from being in this peril and you are powerless to change the moment.
You don't hear the eerie silence as death of the area is slowly enveloping the area you once called home. You can't hear the silence of no birds in the air, no dogs barking, no children laughing, no traffic moving.
The silence is deafening.

You don't see, hear, know the thoughts of someone as they are in that desperate situation.You only think you know what they might be thinking.

The TV cannot capture the range of emotions one goes through but the reporters try.
As you are first entering into that situation there is the adreneline rush just to survive it.
In my case leading my family to where I just knew help would be available to find no one was there.
What do you do? You are soaked, you are exhausted,you are shocked but yet you have to plod on.
The desperation and despair kicks in and as a parent you attempt to stay strong, to put on a front you are in control when all around you is out of control.
No, TV does not show you these images because it can't.
I thought I knew before i myself was a victim and my lesson was to learhn i didn't know anything.I could only imagine it until then.

I will never remember reentering my house after 5 days of it being under water and the destruction was unbelievable.
The first words I spoke was " we are one of them now"'.
Thats when the gravity and seriousness hit and the denial was over.We had no home to go home to at that point. We were homeless.
Life as we knew it was over.Everything was gone.
All we were left with was memories.

How blessed was I that I could rebuild and had resources available to me that in a relatively short time I was able to rebuild our lives.Not the one we had but a different one.

There were complications and we ended up in a class action law suit.Out of 10 families we went through the experience together only one couple is still together today and they separated for a year.

But I didn't end up clawing my way out of the attic and waiting on a rooftop for 5 days waiting to be rescued.
I had water to drink and food to eat by the end of the day.
I had the ability to obtain dry clothes.
I did not have family members missing and no way to know if they survived.I was able to use a telephone.
I was white and I lived in suburban America.

If anyone wants to believe there isn't a connection to the poorest of the poor and racism and a political lethargy involved in what happened to those left behind in New Orleans they are badly mistaken.

Was it intentional?/ I don't think so.I think it was white America not being in tune with the horrendous ramifications of the presence and futility of what the majority of impoverished, black America deals with daily.
We turn our heads when something is unpleasant.It takes time for us to warm up to the idea that there is ugliness around us.

History will show that the ones who escaped early had means to do so.Those that were left behind were expendable.
They most likely weren't registered voters; They took from society instead of contiributed and did it for generations.
They may have been socially irresponsible. They may have been fiscally irresponsible.
They were human beings though and that fact wasn't important enough to those who made decisions along the way.

For years New Orleans was known to be in danger of this catastrophe.Less and less money was given for the projects needed to avoid this tragedy.
How many bombs did it take dropped on Iraq that could have paid for a better levee system?

How much more do the troops from that region have to suffer? They are defending their homeland as they wonder about their homes back home and their families.

Had they been on friendly soil doing their everyday jobs they would have been available to call up on short notice to keep order and perform search and rescue.

The human toll is priceless; the dollar toll will be astronomical.

If you think this will go away easily I am here 11 years later reliving my persoanl experience.What about the children from this disaster? What toll is on them that won't surface for years?

I hope everyone contributes in every way possible to the relief effort and beyond.
If there was a cake available for me to blow out candles today my wish would be we learn all the lessons this disaster gives the opportunity to teach.

But for the grace of God there goes I.
My mother used to teach that and I think its very appropriate that I honor her today with the words that were ingrained into me at an early age.
But for the grace of God, there goes I.

Happy Birthday!

2005-09-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

This is Margie's son, Dan, temporarily taking over this blog to inform you that Friday, September 2, 2005, is her birthday.

To celebrate, I've posted a podcast at my blog that contains a phone interview between my Mom and my daughter Keisha. Keisha calls my Mom "Nana". Thus the name "NanaCast".

I've included show notes describing the more specific details of what we did during the show. There are a couple of surprises that I didn't mention, however.

In addition to the phone interview, you'll find some great music from independent artists.

Why not head over to hear Mom's birthday present for yourself?

JIMM Podcast 8 - NanaCast 2 (Happy Birthday) - 050901

ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

2005-09-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

"Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time," Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex," a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the "rapex" hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

"He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage," she told reporters in Kleinmond, a small holiday village about 100km (60 miles) east of Cape Town. "I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

[Some] critics say the condom is medieval and barbaric — an accusation Ehlers says should be directed rather at the act of rape.

"This is not about vengeance … but the deed, that is what I hate," she said.

Source: ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

Hell and High Water

2005-08-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

We are awaiting the impending arrival of Hurricane Katrina to hit land early tommorow morning and it will ulimately affect a large portion of the country.

The destruction this storm will cause is almost beyond comprehension.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected and especially my family members and friends who live in those regions and will be affected.

Divine Intervention?

2005-08-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I read the most fascinating article about a family that lives in my area. I wanted to wait to see how the story unfolded before I commented.
Today there was a followup.
After reading the unlikely chances that these sisters would ever find each other you have to believe in Divine Intervention.
Lets keep this family in our prayers that this comes to an uncomplicated and quick resolution.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12300662.htm

todays followup

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12471274.htm

Dan's new adventure

2005-08-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

Shamelessly, I, as the official Mom of Dan's blog, Journey Inside My Mind, I encourage everyone to take a peek and listen to his broadcasts.

Dan has aspired to being a radio deejay and now he has this opportunity.

Its hard for me to keep up with the technology but this is really creative.

Actually, I listened to it while reading e-mail and it was like listening to the radio.

He invites all comments from all of you to further improve or add content to his broadcasts.

Nice going Dan.And take the time to listen to the audio blogs with Keisha.When you hear about baby Hannah and baby Kitty they are so cute and entertaining.

Dan's 1st Official Podcast

2005-08-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may be interesting in this kind of thing, I've posted the first official podcast of my blog, Journey Inside My Mind. Head on over and check it out! Or not.

scare in San Fransico

2005-08-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning breaking news cut into local programming.

There were substantiated reports of an explosion in the financial district which is also where some of the higher end shopping is located.

Needless to say it was a tense few hours in this area.

People were out on the streets and reporting they felt the buildings shake from as high as the 21st floor in some buildings.
One woman ( a pedestrian) had her clothes catch fire and was rushed off to a local burn center in serious condition.

What struck me as we were able to see footage the news crews could feed us was that although there was great concern everyone was relatively calm.

Apparently, businesses in the area have spent many hours training employees for a situation such as this and everyone responded as they should.Many reported it was frightening and were afarid to walk the stairs in the high rise office buildings but knew this is what they must do in order to reach safety.

Huge kudos to all those companies to put forth the effort the last few years to train their employees to be prepared.

At the same time there was an unsubstantiated claim a suspicios box had been found near or in the Federal Bldg in downtown San Fransisco not far from the explosion.

As it turned out there was an explosion of an electric transformer underground and its impact was so powerful it blew a concete lid many feet into the air and sent up a huge fireball and windows of buildings nearby were blown out.

We are grateful this is all it was and are grateful to know should the worse ever happen here all parties have a plan in place and it works.

One man reported once he heard the explosion he got on the phone to his office in NYC immediately and transferred all calls and work to that office.It took less than a minute and he was evacuating.

I am encouraged that scenes such as this would most likely be played out across the country.
We are a different nation now than we were the morning of 9/11.

Just as the Brits went on about their business after the recent bombings we would go on with the bussiness of operating our country as normally as could be expected.

That is the best way to win over evil.To continue to live your life and not be stopped.

During this time yesterday I was comforted because what i kept hearing in my head was " I am with you and I will not forsake you".

What better reassurance could one have?

domestic violence offender roundup

2005-08-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

I read this article in my online version of the Houston chronicle this morning.

I applaud the efforts of all the agencies involved.
These offenders need to be off the streets so the victims can begin the road to healing.The offenders need to be held accountable in every aspect of society; society needs to develop a large intolerance to this issue.

Every one says they hate it; should get the offenders off the street etc.But what happens when it hits your family?
Often, its a different attitude when it hits close to home.Its OK when its someone else's problem; there is such a stigma attached to being a victim of domestic violence issues that its still misunderstood by the general public.

This article states they have been involved in PSA's to educate the population.Long overdue and it needs to become a national effort.

Until there is zero tolerance for domestic violence issues in any form starting in each individual family and reaching out to the communities it is allowed to continue to perpetuate.

Due to the generational components the time is now. Stastically, children growing up witnessing this behavior will become offenders themselves or allow themselves to be victimized.

Society needs to be educated what all forms of abuse are.

Education,information,intervention and incarceration are key components in stopping this.

SSD decision

2005-08-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went to the mailbox to get the obligatory usual junk mail and was shocked to find a fat envelope from the Social Security Administration.
I wouldn't even open it for awhile because i was so afraid what would be inside it. I just didn't think I could handle bad news.

I had just talked to the attorney's office the day before to see if they had an update. She said Omar (my attorney) had filed his brief to the judge as had been discussed at my hearing, and in fact filed it ahead of scedule and they had even checked on my case a few days before and there was no news.

She said it could take another 60 days to hear back as it went through the review process.I asked what percentage of cases were rejected by the review committe once the judge had approved it. She said all their cases were always approved as far as she knew.
She said not to worry and if they heard anything they would call. She also said "most likely you will hear when we do as they mail each of us the decision at the same time".

So that is why I was confused and worried that I had received something in the mail so quickly and I couldn't call the attorney's office as they were closed. It was Satirday. I in fact did hear before they did which seems a little appropriate to me.

I finally decided to open and read it because even if it was bad news I had to know.

Right there is bold print at the top- Favorable Finding
I couldn't believe it. I mean I really couldn't believe it.
I had waited so lonmg to see those words.

It was one thing to know inside me I had waited 3 years and to tell people - 3 years - but when I saw the date of initial filing it really hit me how long it had been.
June, 2001.

So much has happened since then:

Historically, it was 3 months before 9/11. That is what grabbed me and put it in context.
My son was not in the Navy yet. That wouldn't happen until the following January. I don't even think he had talked to the recruiter yet at that point.
I was not yet 50 years old.
I was trying yet another reconcilliation with Paul.
I was working still although it was hard.
I had what I believed to be "so many friends".
All my children were speaking to me.
Going back to Ohio wasn't even a blip on the map.
I knew nothing about being on the internet; that was for the kids, not me! A blog? Never heard of it.

To think someday my life would have so many twists and turns that I'd end up in a battered women's shelter and eventually Northern CA and see the Golden Gate bridge, Pier 39, Lombard St., the wine country, a major league baseball game 3x's was unthinkable.
Wouldn't even have dreamed it.

I was back then A divorced wife trying one more time to salvage a dead marrige, a devoted Mom and nana to 2 young grandgirls and one granddog named Duke and a grand cat named Anna.

I ws a loyal friend, empoloyee and community activist. I was involved on a volunteer fire department.

I was still trying to rebuild my life from a major flood years before that wiped us out.

I was still searching for answers to my medical situation. I was still believing there would be a magic drug that would be the answer.

I was believing the doctors had my best interests at heart. I was believing I'd always have insurance.

I believed my little part of the world was insulated.

Things sure changed over those 3 years.

Paul continued his wily ways to the point of alienating the entire family for his transgressions. Who would have ever fathomed that He would break up his own son's marriage through an affair with his daughter-in-law?

I had to leave the fire department and they then left my life.

All the so called friends vanished one by one and several even took up with my ex after we were really finally over and relished letting me know.

Others, once I wasn't working and couldn't finance the " good times' vanished as well. Many just didn't want to know or be reminded on a continuing basis I was no longer the active person they once knew.

I became increasingly more isolated as was able to be seduced by the so called caring attitude of a man who would later abuse me to the point I literally had to flee for my life with only the clothes on my back.

Family members abandoned me.

Maybe it was the bubble bursting that I wasn't perfect. What a burden that was to carry around all my life.

Maybe it was the chronic pain they couldn't deal with.

And all the moments of such excruciating, mind altering, life changing pain it has been. I tried to remember my last pain free day and I can no longer remember it.

The times I would be truly bipolar meaning the chemicals were imbalanced, medicine wasn't working or eventually none to take anymore because that option was no longer available to me.

The slippery slope downward and you know its happening but are powerless to change it; you try but you can't. But those around believe you can.

The hauntingly frightening moments that you grab ahold of any part of sanity you can find to get you through telling yourself "this will pass". And pray it does. The times you read your Bible and earnestly pray for forgiveness because you are who you are. The fervent prayers of healing that you claim and never materialize and you wonder if even God has abandoned you.

The times you struggle to make life work for yourself, but there is something in the way that trips you up. The times you wish you could just get a break so you could enjoy the reprieve even if was shortlived.

Then along the way the most miraculous things happened. There would be a someone somewhere who would perform a random act of kindness, and I'd take it as my creator showing me He hadn't forgotten me there was a different plan than the one I had.

The true caring people I have met online who have become such good friends in the truest sense of the word. I'd never had met them had I not been sick.

I've been able to share my knowledge and teach others when they were willing to be educated. And I've encountered those who have shared what they know with me. Don't ever think one person can't make a difference because each one of those "one" persons made a difference to me.

How can I ever communicate what my son Dan and my sister Mary have meant to my life in those 3 years? They were always there accepting me as I was, flawed. Their love and support and encouragement never wavered - not once.

I have 7 other siblings besides Mary; yet the rest for their own reasons have chosen to leave not just my life but my sister's also. It's their loss.

My other children, although I know they love me, do not accept me. They are entitled to feel what they wish. I still love them. They will be so quick to point out, "you always single Dan out as so special". You are damn right I do.

Not because I love him any differently or with more passion than I do the others, but because his qualities about himself shine so brightly they need to be acknowledged. And should any of the other kids ever read this there is a lesson there. You don't have to always agree or approve of me or my actions. You other 3 just forgot the significance of the word "Mother ".

I am truly grateful to God for all my experiences. I have led a terrific and interesting life. I only recently looked back at my life from its begining up to this point, and only then could I appreciate the life God has allowed me to live.

Not all of it was good; in fact a lot of it was horrendous. I've seen more than my share of ruthlessness, backbiting, condemnation, evil, turmoil and strife. However, along the way I have seen some of the most incredible courage, never-failing human spirit, kindnesses that were so silent they were deafening and undying love.

I've seen my country tested through unimaginable horrors. I've seen patriotism restored. I've seen the evidence of insatiable curiosity and wonder. I've been priveleged to see some of the beauty of God's world He created through travel and in meeting people who lived elsewhere, and I was blessed to meet them.

I have known some of the funniest senses of humors and engaged in many interesting and fascinating discussions.

All of it has brought me to this day. This day that I can still say, "guess what, I landed on my feet."

recycling

2005-08-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

The saying I picked today is a cute one.
Compost- a rind is a terrible thing to waste!

I think we all could do a little better about recycling efforts if we think about it.
There are the obvious and usual ways we are now used to like the recycling bins in our homes or workplaces but what about nother ways?
There is a discussion in the message boards i read that is adressing the drought affecting a large part of the country.
An interesting suggestion that a lady made i would never have thought of and unfortunately most of us would say"I'm not doing that" was to put a 5 gal bucket in the tub and save the water that is usually going down the drain until the temperature is where we want it and use it to water houseplants or gardens.
Another was if you use dishwater to use it to dump over a compost pile.

Last week there was an e-cyvle drive here in my town that was accepting all old electronics for free.Normally there would be a $25.00 fee attached to eachitem dropped off.I am proud of Bob.Without any help from me he took the initiative to take ALL the old electronics he still had here and dropped them off.We calculated he would have spent $250.00 if he did it the usual way.Thje company collected more than 250000 pounds of recyclable material through this drive.You may not be aware that a computer has approximately 8 lbs of lead in it so if that goes to the dump that lead is leached out into the environment.
You may want to look into having your locale have one of these drives.

Other ways to recycle.There is an organization called www.freecycle.com and they are pretty much around the country.Its a way for people to recycle and repurpose items that would go to a dump or maybe a charitable organization that you would then pay money to have it.Another is craigslist.

We accumulate stuff to the point of obession now in this country.If we would live more organized lives we could avoid having our lives cluttered up.
There is an online newsletter I subscribe to called www.getorganized now that gives tips each Sunday to help with organization.In fact, Maria just recently started a blog herself to address this concern.http://getorganizednow.typepad.com/get_organized_now_weblog/
If we don't accumulate we ultimately don't have to worry about recycling it.How many of us may be guilty of not being able to find something so we just go buy another?

The subject in the saying for today- composting is a terrific recycling method for those who can apply it.Each time I have diligently committed to this I am amazed at how much stuff isn't going into the garbage or down the disposal but is in fact serving another purpose eventually.
In TX I used to save grass clippings and pine straw for mulching my beds.it was free and effective.In fact neighbors learned to check with me before they put their umpteen bags out for trash pickup.

The rile of thumb in your closets is if you haven't worn it in a year get rid of it.Donate to charity.Have a garage sale.Give to a family member or friend but get rid of it.

Paperwork.If it can be found online you don't need to keep it in paper form.the only exception is income tax records for 7 years. Look at the paperwork clutter that eliminates.
Shred and recycle the paper and eliminate it coming in if possible.

And volunteering is a form of recycling.We are recycling our energies and talents into another arena to be used for a purpose that either goes unfilled or would have to be paid for.Give someone the benefit of your experience and energy and amke a difference.

Meditate or give yourself some kind of spiritual connection on a daily basis to renew yourself.

Give advice to someone as in mentoring whether its just life experiences or in a professional forum.Recycle your talent and education to be used for the benefit of someone else.
We al know something about something and we know if we don't know the answer how to reference the person in a way they can find it.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share.

new sayings

2005-08-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

I belong to the HGTV message boards and many viewers start topics and others comment on the topics.
I've enjoyed it as it keeps me in touch with how the reast of the world lives although some are a little out there.I crack up when they fret and wqorry if they should paint a room with SW117 or BM 35( Sherwin Williams and Bejamin Moore).These women have a worse life than i do if they are truly worried what the exact paint color of a room should be!
In sharing about my fibromyalgia and depression issues i have made some new " friends".Now, you are wondering what does that have to do with decorating? Not a thing.There is a thing called posting OT(off topic).Or in a thread someone will bring up something related to living or home management that eventually leads to a personal situation.
I have learned for instance that Topamax is prescribed for migraines and many have had success with it and they didn't know it can be prescribed for depression.
A lot of the posters have a little saying at the end of their post which is kind of like a signature.Many of them are really good so i thought each day I post I will share a saying and maybe see if I can relate an expwerience to it.
Today I chose" we cannot control the wind but we can adjust the sails".
I chose that one as it relates to my circumstances now.
And it relates to my life in general.
I didn't choose to be abused, molested, raped, to come down with fibromyalgia and its myriad of symptoms,to ne mentally ill.
Thjose were not choices anyone would make.however, that is what my life has given me so i make the best I can each day of what i have to work with.
Overall, really I am a positive person.I am an optimist.I am trusting even when I maybe should err on the side of caution.
I'm still learning to find the balance.
I try to take lemonms and make lemonade.
So if I've learned anything its that i may not be able to change circumstances around me but I have the power to change how I react to them.
Yesterday i received a call from a friend who among other things was threatening suicide.I took it seriously and gave the benefit of my knowledge and directed her to seek help and where and how to do it.
She chose to wallow in her misery.I know that kind of despair but I also know how unproductive it is.
I confronted truths with her that she didn't want to hear.As I told her you can't bullshit a bullshitter and I've walked that road myself.
I realized I could not take on her burden.i could only direct her to the help she needed and it was out of my hands.I planted the seed which was my only responsibility in this.
It was not for me to fix.
And i didn't let it affect the rest of my day.That was a huge factor for me.I, of course prayed for her but I let go and let God.
I adjusted my sails in that situation.
I have adjusted my sails in other aspects of my life as well.
There will always be wind and waves and rough seas throughout life but I always have the power to adjust my sails to weather them.
Soetimes my correction may need adjustment as i learn how to navigate the waters but I am confident my ship will always be righted by the time the storm ends.