Why doesn't she just leave?

I am listening to my son Dan's podcast he taped at the One voice Walk in memory of Cheryl Dawson and other victims of domestic violence.

One victim gives her account of her life living with her abuser.
Her story could be many victims accounts.
Pieces of it could be mine.

I have hesitated to write details of my abuse because I've wanted to shield my children from hearing what their Mother was living.
I wanted to spare them the hurt,pain and embarrassment I perceive they would feel.

I guess I need to start at the beginning. It didn't start in the months preceding my entering a domestic violence women's center or shelter as it is known.

It started in my childhood,I guess it would be fair to say actually at my birth.
I was not planned,my Mother's fifth living child.Her first was stillborn and I truly believe his death shaped the family dynamics forever.

I was premature and cost the family in fiances they were hard pressed to afford.The other kids could be treated by a general physician,I required a pediatrician.
I was always reminded of the circumstances at my birth and early months every birthday and any other occasion my Dad deemed necessary.

I grew up feeling by my mere existence I owed a great debt to my family.I felt ashamed to have caused so much trouble.
Some of my earliest memories are ways I tried to compensate however inept I was at that age.

I never asked for a need to be met.I of course would never expect a want to be taken care.
I tried to eat as little as I could so there would be more for the rest of the siblings.
I took on the responsibility of the 4 younger siblings who followed me at preschool age.
I tried my best to be intuitive of the needs of my family and met them the best I could sometimes before they even knew they needed them.
I grew up a scapegoat and people pleaser.

I was verbally abused almost on a daily basis by my father and even my older brothers.I was reminded that I was an inconvenience.
I will never forget the words of one brother who said to me "when we were told of your impending birth I thought great; it meant we'd have more of nothing".

My father became physically abusive to the point of cruelty as I got older.
I suffered sexual abuse at an early age,my first memories are of age 4 until I was almost married at age 17.
My father was not my sexual abuser but other male members of my immediate family.
I was told once that by using me it kept his girlfriend from becoming pregnant.
I was told I owed it to him by another.
I was told it was happening to protect the little ones.And,even if I told, no one would believe me which turned out to be true at the age of 44 when I finally told my Dad.

One evening the physical abuse by my Dad was so severe he threw me from room to room and my Mom stood by and watched.As a Mother myself,I can't imagine choosing to let someone harm one of my children right before my eyes and not stepping in to stop it.
I don't know if she felt I deserved it,felt too afraid herself to step in but I will never forget her just standing in the doorway and my eyes pleading with her to do something.
I was truly afraid in his rage he would kill me.
I had cuts on my face from hitting the objects I was thrown against and my jaw was badly bruised.I was 15 years old.
He threw me out of the house and even though others interceded on my behalf he had me thrown into the juvenile hall that night.
I slept on a cold floor with a thin blanket and mat and fought off two lesbians.That was my first encounter with that type of sexuality.Until then I hadn't even known it existed.
I loved my Dad but hated him at the same time.

Because of the molestation I suffered from depression and had bouts of rage.My Dad constantly was punishing me for my "temper".
Of course, I know now the relevance of the acting out but back then had no idea why I was the way I was.
The behavior only reinforced how much of a drain I was on my family.
In those days male children had much more importance than female children had anyway and a difficult female child had even less worth.
I attempted suicide more times than I can count.
I became street smart and dared anyone to confront me.
My Mother would say I'd go where angels dared to tread.
I became notorious for my aggressive behavior as if it was a badge of honor.
Finally,I had found a voice.I had become somebody;I wasn't invisible.
I hated it but relished in it at the same time.
I also was what we now know as anorexic.It didn't have the name back then.

Fast forward to first marriage.It also was abusive.As I've learned, no wonder I made that choice.
I learned in therapy we make some of the choices we do in order to psychologically work out unfinished business with someone else such as a parent.You've heard the saying,"she married her father".True.
I was married at 17.I was pregnant.Not by accident but by choice.
I confronted my Mother that summer we wanted to be married because we knew things were progressing to a physical state of no return.
I was told "there would be only one way I'd be married before I finished high school".
So I took that avenue.
In my immature way I saw it as an out of the family home.
After all, he loved me and I'd live happily ever after.

Only days into the marriage I saw a side of this person I had known 2 years already that I didn't see before.
A few months into the marriage I found evidence of adultery.
A year into the marriage I learned it was the start of physical abuse,financial abuse,emotional abuse and spiritual abuse.
In some ways this was even more devastating than living with my family because I chose this life.In my birth family I had no choice.

The children came along,Dan and his sister.In my mind he was a good Dad because he didn't hurt his children.What else did I have to compare to?
He was a lousy husband but we were Catholic and divorce was not heard of.You made your bed so you had to lay in it.

The abuse became more harsh and frequent.I was thrown down the steps.I was punched repeatedly.My jaw was broken once.
Bruises,black eyes,dislocation of joints were frequent.of course,I made excuses and hid what I could.
He was always sorry afterwards.That somehow made it tolerable.
I later learned that's the honeymoon phase of the cycle of violence.
At least he was admitting he was sorry which was something my Dad never did.
So that had to mean he genuinely loved me,I thought.
I never understood how vital the "but" that followed the "I'm sorry's" was.
Anytime an apology is followed by a "but" it negates the statement preceding it.
But,if I hadn't,but if I had,Bit if I would or wouldn't.....

Eventually the marriage fell apart and he filed for divorce.I counter filed and a custody battle ensued.It took months for it to end and was harrowing at times.
The thought of losing my kids was unthinkable and sent me into nervous episodes I could hardly function.He did kidnap the kids once right from my arms while their little fingers were gouged into my skin.I was physically unable to stop him.
He found where I was because I was talked into believing a cop I could trust him.To this day I remember his face and his name.And,I've had somewhat a distrust of law enforcement ever since.
Eventually I prevailed.
The financial abuse continued through irregular support payments.He stole my car away from the parking lot of my apartment complex the night before our divorce hearing.

He made promises never kept that he would help with this or that for the kids.
I learned to be self-sufficient and not depend on him or any man for that matter.

Meanwhile, one of our firemen buddies became a close family friend and we began a romantic liaison after my divorce.
He was a kind and gentle man,very compassionate,very patient, very interested in me and my children and helpful sometimes at a moments notice.He was dependable and I believed I began to love him and he proclaimed to be in love with me.He was the total opposite of what I knew and I found him refreshing.
He begged me to marry him just about on a weekly basis.

During that time I was advised by the child support division to confront my ex about delinquent payments of child support.
How insane that advice was but believing in authority I bought the lie hook,line and sinker.After all,you should be able to trust authority that they know what they are doing.

Long story short,he threw me over the steps and I could see the hatred and anger and rage in his eyes as he did it.I knew if I landed on the basement steps I would die and I had to get Dan and Steph out of there.I twisted my body hard as I could to go into the opposite direction and landed on the landing by the door.I was paralyzed on my whole left side.
He was screaming and cursing me to get up and get out.I told him I couldn't,that I was paralyzed.He ran down the steps,opened the screen door,picked me up by the back of my shirt and shorts and tossed me onto the driveway.
The kids were crying,Stephanie was hysterical.
I couldn't move except for scooting on my good side across the driveway towards the car.
The neighbors across the street came running over to assist me.
I had them get me in the car and start it up.
I was able to steer the car with my good hand and brake with my good foot.
I got us home and sent the kids in to get Paul.

He had me admitted to the hospital under his insurance and said we had just been married and he hadn't had a chance to put me on his insurance.
I was admitted under an assumed name for my safety.Paul watched the kids for me and I had an in home day care and he took off work to take care of the kids I was in charge of as well as a couple parents who took personal days.
I was in his debt and grateful.

He continued to hound me until I finally married him.I was encouraged by family and friends I would never find someone who would love my kids as he did and someone who adored me as he did.I didn't trust my own judgement that I wasn't ready for another commitment at that time so 7 months to the day of my divorce I was remarried.

He changed on me literally on our wedding night and never was the man I had known all along.
He wasn't physically abusive but emotionally detached from me.I didn't understand it then but it was the quest of "winning " me that was the challenge.Once I was his so to speak it was over.
We remained legally married for 22 long years.
It wasn't always bad but it sure was hardly ever good.
Two more children came along to mix in with my previous 2 and his previous 4.
Everything about our lives together became a challenge.
Not wanting to have another failed marriage, broken family.I stayed. I didn't put the pieces together that it was failed staying together.

The pressures of the failed marriages were great.I was silent about so much that was going on being embarrassed that once again I couldn't keep my life together.
I felt I was financially dependant.
I had been available for him to continue his education as I had in my former marriage because that was what wives did for the betterment of the family.
Even though at times I worked three jobs,I didn't see myself as self-sufficient.
We went through a few family crisis',a flood which devastated us emotionally,financially and materially.
I did all I knew to do to put us whole again.
We went through a more than two year legal battle in a class action lawsuit following the flood.
My emotional state was becoming more fragile although I didn't recognize it.

I was working long hours,physically depleted and getting no support at home.In fact,he was more distant than ever and I was sure he was having affairs and if not physical they were for sure emotional.He was flaunting it in my face.
All our friends knew.I shouldered the embarrassment and humiliation alone.
I began involving myself in my own risky behavior to compensate. I was acting out in desperation hoping he'd notice and I'd be important enough for him to discontinue his escapades.
I became isolated among crowds of people.They say no man is an island;I beg to differ.
I was alone in every way.
I wasn't necessarily lonely because of the people in my life but I was alone.
I was grieving for the marriage I had hoped we would have and wasn't going to happen.

We had separated a couple times and then reconciled.
My daughter was getting married and as the Mother of the bride I immersed myself in wedding plans while working full time and a couple part time jobs because I was now living alone.
At one point I fractured several ribs in an accident and couldn't work for almost 2 months.I was financially depleted before I could go back to work.
About 4 months before the wedding he asked for another reconciliation.
I wanted more than anything for an intact family so I agreed.

The strain of shouldering the wedding plans almost by myself were taking a toll unbeknown to me at that time.
The wedding week was upon us.
Out of town guests,showers,rehearsal dinner which I took over because the grooms family wouldn't and then the wedding preparations themselves.
Virtually no help. People had said they would help and didn't show.
The Mother of the bride was racing down the street at 10:10 to get dressed for a 10:30 wedding.
The food distrobution was up to me.The picture taking fell to me to oraganize that day.
The cleanup was falling on my shoulders.
My apartment was a wreck from the week and food preparations for the wedding.
I was to return to work the day after the wedding.
I had about a total of 12 hours sleep for the week. I was beyond exhausted.I was physically numb and my emotional state was frayed.
I was saying goodbye to family members I hadn't seen in years and hadn't been able to spend the time with I would have liked because of undependable so called friends.

The evening of my first day back to work Paul informed he still wanted a divorce.He told me had used me the last 4 months making me think we were reconciling because he didn't want me to have a scene with his mistress at the time. She was one of the ones who had promised to help with the wedding day.She was a so called family friend and former neighbor.
Someone I considered a friend.

I was devastated.Previous to us reconciling I became involved with someone who treated me different than anyone had and it was going somewhere.I told him it had to end when Paul and I decided to reconcile and he moved away.
All I could see in my head when he delivered that devasting statement that he had used me was what I had given up and would never have.
I can't even describe the hurt I felt and didn't want to ever feel again in my life.The betrayal was enormous.
I had nothing left to fight with.I was depleted.

I went into the bathroom and deliberately and methodically took every pill that had been prescribed to me and went out and sat down waiting for whatever was going to happen,happen.
I was quiet,unemotional,distant.I felt I was in a black hole and could never climb my way out of it.I felt I was falling deeper and deeper.
I felt total hopelessness and helplessness.
I just didn't want to hurt anymore.


This will be part 1 of the story.I will finish it in the next post.

Related tags: onevoicewalk, one+voice+walk, domestic+violence, domestic+abuse, domestic+violence+stories

So here I am again

So much has happened since I last wrote. I will try to remember as much as I can and in no particular order.

First of all,my condolences to those affected by the Virginia Tech massacre this week.Such a tragedy.One lesson I took from this is how short life can be and make the most of everyday.It sounds cliche but nonetheless true.
Don't waste time harboring ill feelings and holding grudges.Forgive and move on.Don't forget to tell those that matter you love them.Tommorow may be too late.

Our family experienced joy and sorrow this week.Last Saturday we learned Jennie was pregnant again.We were so excited and celebrated this miracle.She was told years ago she would have trouble getting pregnant again if ever.So to have a new,little precious life added to our family was exciting to say the least.

Monday was Dan's birthday.I can't believe he is as old as he is.I can remember the day he was born as well as if it were yesterday.
He was such a joy growing up and still is to me today.

Just a couple days after finding out about the pregnancy Jennie started experiencing troubling symptoms.They went to the ER and were told she most likely was miscarrying.
My heart aches for them.I can only imagine what they are feeling.
Prayers are going up continuosly for them.
My mesage board friends have been terrific at offering prayer and support.

Mandy was told she will be induced on the 7th of May.I am arriving late the 6th.I hope James likes me right away because there isn't going to be an adjustment time.
They informed yesterday they signed papers to buy a brand new house.If all goes well they close the Thursday after I arrive, the 10th.
Talk about a whirlwind trip to TX.
Dan,Jennie and Keisha are due to arive the week before Memorial Day.I can't wait to see them.PJ is supposed to drive up from Houston sometime that week.

I have had several doctor appointments since I last posted.
I had another CT scan and the report is the same.The nodule in my right lung is staus quo.It is still small enough it can't be biopsied.I am scheduled every 4 months to have anoher one to watch it.

I've had an MRI for my back and see the neurosurgeon tommorow.I hope he determines something can be done for my back.

I am in conference through Tel-Med with a psychiatrist from UC Davis for my psych meds.
It is an interesting setup.There is a large monitor set up and the doc and I converse as if we were in the same room.My doc comes in at the end and he tells her what scripts to write.

I've had back X-rays and a kidney ultrasound.
The kidney doc delivered unsettling news.Apparently my kidneys are functioning at 60% and I am in Stage 3 to 2 renal failure, the higher the number the better.My proteins and potassium are high and something I have to watch.
He thinks the years of excessive ibuprofen have played a part in my kidneys failing.So much for our great health system in this country and folks' lack of access to health care.My smoking for so long hasn't helped either.
Interestingly enough, he said with my pain complaints in my back and the blood work showing up what did he suspects there could be a tumor in my spine and is referring me to an oncologist.He doesn't think all the pain is from fibromyalgia,deteriorating discs and arthritis although that is enough in itself to cause the pain.

Now,having said all the bad news I need to say I am happier than I have been in my whole life.It appears life has come full circle for me.
Retirement seems to agree with me and Bob.
I love my home and the life we have here in Oroville.
I have a peacefulness in my life that I don't think I've ever had before.So,I am not afraid or worried just a bit concerned.I am as positive about my life as I can be and decide to have a good attitude every day.

I have made a new friend through the volunteer class and it's spooky how much we have in common.
I have had the best fun volunteering at the Visitors Center.I have met people from Japan,China,France and many of the States.I may miss some but as I recall now there have been folks from Washington state,oregon,Nevada,Michigan,Ohio,South Carolina,Wisconsin and all over California.
This job I do there behind the counter is right up my alley.
I dispense information and basically shmooze it up to those who come by.Kind of like a Public Relations job.

I was elected to the board of the Bidwell Bar Association.I'm still not sure what all it means because it was only my second meeting.One of the guys had to step down for health reasons and I was nominated and voted in.
The Bidwell Bar Association is an entity that promotes the historical and authenticity value of life here in Oroville and northern CA from the 1850's and on.
Bidwell Bar was named for John Bidwell who settled most of this area.A bar is a piece of land much like an island out in the water.There was an original bridge named the Bidwell Bar Bridge and the first suspension bridge west of the Mississippi.It was made in the northeast brought around Cape Horn and up to San Ffransisco.It was then brought into Marysville and then by oxen the rest of the way to Oroville.
When the Dam was going under construction the residents and BBA saved the bridge from being lost under the Lake 300 ft below.It now stands about a mile from its original location complete with the original toolhouse.
It will be the center of attention on Bidwell Bar Day may 5th connecting the marina to Wyke Island for the festivities.
The BBA members will dress in period costume and entertainment and education will be available for out guests based on the 1850 lifestyle.


God is good and forever faithful to me.I don't deserve all the blessings He has bestowed on me but accept them humbly.
Until next time,find something to smile about everyday and then give it away to someone else.

Updates

It happened again this morning. I told you we are turning into old people.We were outside looking into the backyard. I was looking at the bird feeders.I thought Bob said "no way, it's time to fill the feeders". In fact, what he said was "No way. it's time to read the meters". He saw the PGE meter reader reader at the neighbors house in the back.

Melissa came up for the long holiday weekend.She hadn't been up since Thanksgiving weekend. We enjoyed her visit and as usual it went too fast.
One of the the things we did was to go visit Marty. She hadn't seen Marty since they scattered Bob's Mom's ashes back in the middle 90's. Marty is the family historian so it was good for Mel to hear some of the stories passed down to the next generation.

On Valentine's Day Bob took Marty and I to the Depot, a local restaurant here in Oroville for lunch. Marty is still in a wheelchair from breaking her hip before Christmas. She sure enjoyed getting out for awhile. I enjoy going to the Depot because it is a historical landmark here in Oroville. it is the train station that folks used coming in from Nevada back during and after the gold rush days on their way to San Fransisco.It still has some of the same gardens it had way back then.The building is much like it was back then and the railroad tracks still run along outside the building.There is a bank of windows on the one side and if you are eating when a train passes you can imagine the early times when passengers would disembark; this was the first stop coming out of Nevada.

I had to take a 24 pee test(TMI) and return it to the lab this morning first thing and then have some blood work done. At my doc visit last week previous lab work showed something was up with my kidney function. I don't understand it but I guess as time progresses I'll be made to understand it if it pans out to be something important.
I also had a cervical back Xray done and it showed a severe narrowing of my neck vertebrae and the discs are shot. I am being referred to a neurosurgeon. Don't know what he will be able to do. I have to wait at least 2 weeks to get an appointment. At this point almost anything has to be better than living with this chronic pain. I can't hardly sleep anymore. I get maybe 3-4 hours sleep a night and that's not consecutive.

I am getting excited about making plans to go to Texas in May to see Mandy and have Dan and his family meet up with us.We are hoping PJ will be able to join us.

Not much else is happening from here.I'll report again soon.

One reality of retirement

I didn't realize one season passed and another is half over since I last posted.The busy life of a retiree who is doing nothing in particular that is meaningful to anyone else but satisfying to the person who is enjoying it.

We moved into our new home and are still settling in.The spring brought with it the new sights and sounds of life in the community living near these mountains at the foothills of the Sierra.Everyday was like opening a new present.

We discovered among other' s we have two quail family living in our rosemary plants on the side of the hill;we've watched the babies hatch and they are now what we refer to as the "the teenagers".
We have two deer that thankfully visit a neighbors yard.We get to see them close enough but they don't disturb ours.
There is a resident fox that roams the community.The first sighting of him I commented that someone's really mangy dog was loose.
Numerous birds visit our many feeders on a daily basis.
We've been told there have been sightings of a bear, rattlers, and mountain cat but I don't know if that is myth or those sightings were when this community was new.
I see the mountain range from my front porch.
I sit on my back patio and its a quiet retreat away from the world.

At this stage in my life this what I needed.God always gives what you need when you need it.
Each day I thank Him for blessings.I am grateful for what I have been given.
Bob and i say at least once every day "life hardly gets better than this".

All the lessons I lived through brought me to this point.I can now appreciate the solitude of this place.
My life is simple.
I am aware of the world affairs and the crisis our country is in;my baby boy is still serving our country due to be relesed from service in a few months but maybe not depending on what happens these next few months yet there is calm about my life.

I have begun new medical care and some of the findings are not what any other doctors have found in the last 25 years.Some of the prognosis is not good yet I have a peace about me that surprises even me.

I am carefully choosing home furnishings because there is a reality this will be the last home I ever do this;instead of it being sad its been quite fun.

However, this morning the strangest thing happened.
I suppose it was bound to when you live the retirement life and one day goes into another.

I initially awoke at 5 AM.Decided to go back to sleep.I don't often do that.Woke again at 8.
Fixed the coffe, set the flag outside, blah blah, yadda yadda.
took coffee outside as usual, read paper and finished. Like in 10 minutes was finished.This was a weekday routine, not a Sunday routine.Where were the ads?The coupons?
I went back to the front page.
Monday, July 17th,2006.Well, I new it was July 17th.Its Keisha's 9th birthday.I need to call her later.I knew yesterday today was July 17th.I knew last night today was July 17th.I knew this morning it was July 17th.I just don't know when betwen last night and this morning I forgot it was Monday!
How did THAT happen?

I had to sit there for about 5 minutes and take it in.For that waking time I had my heart set on Sunday.Not that Sunday was such a spectacular day and something so special had happened i wanted to relive it but that every day is so ordinarily special I want to relive every one.
I was sad for a few moments to think I had lost a day.I had to realize I hadn't lost it,I had spent it just as I was supposed to and will spend today just am I supposed to.

And one of the ways I will spend it is being grateful for my special granddaughter who I was blessed with on this day 9 years ago.Here's hoping to not having a senior moment later in the day and forgetting to call her when she returns from day camp!