We are awaiting the impending arrival of Hurricane Katrina to hit land early tommorow morning and it will ulimately affect a large portion of the country.
The destruction this storm will cause is almost beyond comprehension.
My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected and especially my family members and friends who live in those regions and will be affected.
A few weeks ago I read the most fascinating article about a family that lives in my area. I wanted to wait to see how the story unfolded before I commented.
Today there was a followup.
After reading the unlikely chances that these sisters would ever find each other you have to believe in Divine Intervention.
Lets keep this family in our prayers that this comes to an uncomplicated and quick resolution.
http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12300662.htm
todays followup
http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12471274.htm
Shamelessly, I, as the official Mom of Dan's blog, Journey Inside My Mind, I encourage everyone to take a peek and listen to his broadcasts.
Dan has aspired to being a radio deejay and now he has this opportunity.
Its hard for me to keep up with the technology but this is really creative.
Actually, I listened to it while reading e-mail and it was like listening to the radio.
He invites all comments from all of you to further improve or add content to his broadcasts.
Nice going Dan.And take the time to listen to the audio blogs with Keisha.When you hear about baby Hannah and baby Kitty they are so cute and entertaining.
For those of you who may be interesting in this kind of thing, I've posted the first official podcast of my blog, Journey Inside My Mind. Head on over and check it out! Or not.
Yesterday morning breaking news cut into local programming.
There were substantiated reports of an explosion in the financial district which is also where some of the higher end shopping is located.
Needless to say it was a tense few hours in this area.
People were out on the streets and reporting they felt the buildings shake from as high as the 21st floor in some buildings.
One woman ( a pedestrian) had her clothes catch fire and was rushed off to a local burn center in serious condition.
What struck me as we were able to see footage the news crews could feed us was that although there was great concern everyone was relatively calm.
Apparently, businesses in the area have spent many hours training employees for a situation such as this and everyone responded as they should.Many reported it was frightening and were afarid to walk the stairs in the high rise office buildings but knew this is what they must do in order to reach safety.
Huge kudos to all those companies to put forth the effort the last few years to train their employees to be prepared.
At the same time there was an unsubstantiated claim a suspicios box had been found near or in the Federal Bldg in downtown San Fransisco not far from the explosion.
As it turned out there was an explosion of an electric transformer underground and its impact was so powerful it blew a concete lid many feet into the air and sent up a huge fireball and windows of buildings nearby were blown out.
We are grateful this is all it was and are grateful to know should the worse ever happen here all parties have a plan in place and it works.
One man reported once he heard the explosion he got on the phone to his office in NYC immediately and transferred all calls and work to that office.It took less than a minute and he was evacuating.
I am encouraged that scenes such as this would most likely be played out across the country.
We are a different nation now than we were the morning of 9/11.
Just as the Brits went on about their business after the recent bombings we would go on with the bussiness of operating our country as normally as could be expected.
That is the best way to win over evil.To continue to live your life and not be stopped.
During this time yesterday I was comforted because what i kept hearing in my head was " I am with you and I will not forsake you".
What better reassurance could one have?
I read this article in my online version of the Houston chronicle this morning.
I applaud the efforts of all the agencies involved.
These offenders need to be off the streets so the victims can begin the road to healing.The offenders need to be held accountable in every aspect of society; society needs to develop a large intolerance to this issue.
Every one says they hate it; should get the offenders off the street etc.But what happens when it hits your family?
Often, its a different attitude when it hits close to home.Its OK when its someone else's problem; there is such a stigma attached to being a victim of domestic violence issues that its still misunderstood by the general public.
This article states they have been involved in PSA's to educate the population.Long overdue and it needs to become a national effort.
Until there is zero tolerance for domestic violence issues in any form starting in each individual family and reaching out to the communities it is allowed to continue to perpetuate.
Due to the generational components the time is now. Stastically, children growing up witnessing this behavior will become offenders themselves or allow themselves to be victimized.
Society needs to be educated what all forms of abuse are.
Education,information,intervention and incarceration are key components in stopping this.
Yesterday, I went to the mailbox to get the obligatory usual junk mail and was shocked to find a fat envelope from the Social Security Administration.
I wouldn't even open it for awhile because i was so afraid what would be inside it. I just didn't think I could handle bad news.
I had just talked to the attorney's office the day before to see if they had an update. She said Omar (my attorney) had filed his brief to the judge as had been discussed at my hearing, and in fact filed it ahead of scedule and they had even checked on my case a few days before and there was no news.
She said it could take another 60 days to hear back as it went through the review process.I asked what percentage of cases were rejected by the review committe once the judge had approved it. She said all their cases were always approved as far as she knew.
She said not to worry and if they heard anything they would call. She also said "most likely you will hear when we do as they mail each of us the decision at the same time".
So that is why I was confused and worried that I had received something in the mail so quickly and I couldn't call the attorney's office as they were closed. It was Satirday. I in fact did hear before they did which seems a little appropriate to me.
I finally decided to open and read it because even if it was bad news I had to know.
Right there is bold print at the top- Favorable Finding
I couldn't believe it. I mean I really couldn't believe it.
I had waited so lonmg to see those words.
It was one thing to know inside me I had waited 3 years and to tell people - 3 years - but when I saw the date of initial filing it really hit me how long it had been.
June, 2001.
So much has happened since then:
The saying I picked today is a cute one.
Compost- a rind is a terrible thing to waste!
I think we all could do a little better about recycling efforts if we think about it.
There are the obvious and usual ways we are now used to like the recycling bins in our homes or workplaces but what about nother ways?
There is a discussion in the message boards i read that is adressing the drought affecting a large part of the country.
An interesting suggestion that a lady made i would never have thought of and unfortunately most of us would say"I'm not doing that" was to put a 5 gal bucket in the tub and save the water that is usually going down the drain until the temperature is where we want it and use it to water houseplants or gardens.
Another was if you use dishwater to use it to dump over a compost pile.
Last week there was an e-cyvle drive here in my town that was accepting all old electronics for free.Normally there would be a $25.00 fee attached to eachitem dropped off.I am proud of Bob.Without any help from me he took the initiative to take ALL the old electronics he still had here and dropped them off.We calculated he would have spent $250.00 if he did it the usual way.Thje company collected more than 250000 pounds of recyclable material through this drive.You may not be aware that a computer has approximately 8 lbs of lead in it so if that goes to the dump that lead is leached out into the environment.
You may want to look into having your locale have one of these drives.
Other ways to recycle.There is an organization called www.freecycle.com and they are pretty much around the country.Its a way for people to recycle and repurpose items that would go to a dump or maybe a charitable organization that you would then pay money to have it.Another is craigslist.
We accumulate stuff to the point of obession now in this country.If we would live more organized lives we could avoid having our lives cluttered up.
There is an online newsletter I subscribe to called www.getorganized now that gives tips each Sunday to help with organization.In fact, Maria just recently started a blog herself to address this concern.http://getorganizednow.typepad.com/get_organized_now_weblog/
If we don't accumulate we ultimately don't have to worry about recycling it.How many of us may be guilty of not being able to find something so we just go buy another?
The subject in the saying for today- composting is a terrific recycling method for those who can apply it.Each time I have diligently committed to this I am amazed at how much stuff isn't going into the garbage or down the disposal but is in fact serving another purpose eventually.
In TX I used to save grass clippings and pine straw for mulching my beds.it was free and effective.In fact neighbors learned to check with me before they put their umpteen bags out for trash pickup.
The rile of thumb in your closets is if you haven't worn it in a year get rid of it.Donate to charity.Have a garage sale.Give to a family member or friend but get rid of it.
Paperwork.If it can be found online you don't need to keep it in paper form.the only exception is income tax records for 7 years. Look at the paperwork clutter that eliminates.
Shred and recycle the paper and eliminate it coming in if possible.
And volunteering is a form of recycling.We are recycling our energies and talents into another arena to be used for a purpose that either goes unfilled or would have to be paid for.Give someone the benefit of your experience and energy and amke a difference.
Meditate or give yourself some kind of spiritual connection on a daily basis to renew yourself.
Give advice to someone as in mentoring whether its just life experiences or in a professional forum.Recycle your talent and education to be used for the benefit of someone else.
We al know something about something and we know if we don't know the answer how to reference the person in a way they can find it.
Just some thoughts I wanted to share.
I belong to the HGTV message boards and many viewers start topics and others comment on the topics.
I've enjoyed it as it keeps me in touch with how the reast of the world lives although some are a little out there.I crack up when they fret and wqorry if they should paint a room with SW117 or BM 35( Sherwin Williams and Bejamin Moore).These women have a worse life than i do if they are truly worried what the exact paint color of a room should be!
In sharing about my fibromyalgia and depression issues i have made some new " friends".Now, you are wondering what does that have to do with decorating? Not a thing.There is a thing called posting OT(off topic).Or in a thread someone will bring up something related to living or home management that eventually leads to a personal situation.
I have learned for instance that Topamax is prescribed for migraines and many have had success with it and they didn't know it can be prescribed for depression.
A lot of the posters have a little saying at the end of their post which is kind of like a signature.Many of them are really good so i thought each day I post I will share a saying and maybe see if I can relate an expwerience to it.
Today I chose" we cannot control the wind but we can adjust the sails".
I chose that one as it relates to my circumstances now.
And it relates to my life in general.
I didn't choose to be abused, molested, raped, to come down with fibromyalgia and its myriad of symptoms,to ne mentally ill.
Thjose were not choices anyone would make.however, that is what my life has given me so i make the best I can each day of what i have to work with.
Overall, really I am a positive person.I am an optimist.I am trusting even when I maybe should err on the side of caution.
I'm still learning to find the balance.
I try to take lemonms and make lemonade.
So if I've learned anything its that i may not be able to change circumstances around me but I have the power to change how I react to them.
Yesterday i received a call from a friend who among other things was threatening suicide.I took it seriously and gave the benefit of my knowledge and directed her to seek help and where and how to do it.
She chose to wallow in her misery.I know that kind of despair but I also know how unproductive it is.
I confronted truths with her that she didn't want to hear.As I told her you can't bullshit a bullshitter and I've walked that road myself.
I realized I could not take on her burden.i could only direct her to the help she needed and it was out of my hands.I planted the seed which was my only responsibility in this.
It was not for me to fix.
And i didn't let it affect the rest of my day.That was a huge factor for me.I, of course prayed for her but I let go and let God.
I adjusted my sails in that situation.
I have adjusted my sails in other aspects of my life as well.
There will always be wind and waves and rough seas throughout life but I always have the power to adjust my sails to weather them.
Soetimes my correction may need adjustment as i learn how to navigate the waters but I am confident my ship will always be righted by the time the storm ends.
Starting today on through at least Monday we are entering into another extreme heat alert here. We are expecting temps in the high 90's to 103 all days.
I never considered "microclimates" much before living here.
Everywhere else i had lived the climate was the same for many miles thropughout the geographical location.
Southwestern Ohio was pretty much the same as the Miami Valley and into Nothern KY and southeastern IN.The area I lived in north of Houston was pretty much the same for an 8 county region; even Galveston would report similar weather patters as we did although there was almost 90 miles difference. You had to get out to the hill country or up into deel east TX to start feeling a change.
I am amazedat how Mother Nature works here in this region.
San Fransisco itself will rarely report temps out of the 60's throughout the year.During a real heat spell they may go to mid 70's and that is there heat wave.They are unprepared for anything too hot.Except for businesses no one is air conditioned in the City.Usually there is no need.On normal days there usually is enough marine layer and the ensuing breeze it brings is nature's air conditioning.
:ast night as i was sitting in front of fans waiting for the fog to make it out this far we were watching the Giants game.Small children were bundled into winter coats and adultds had on hooded sweatshirts tied tight.It was such an odd sight to see.here it was early August, swe;tering daytime temperatures here inland yet 40 miles away they had to wear winter coats.
I've been in the City a few times and you always want to have at least a sweater if not cool weather clothing available.
If you look at a map of the area you woul;d of course look east towards Oakland. Outside of Oakland is the Caldecott tunnels where they bore through the mountains to develop out in the eastern regions many, many years ago.
If you ride the tunnel you definately feel the temperature shift as you are near the tunnel there can be a dratic 15 degree change just right there.
The further east you go the warmer it gets.We are on what they call the Delta. My town sits on an inlet of the Sacramento River.
Our weather is more determined by the desert climate of Nevada and Arizona than San Fransisco only 40 miles away.
So someone looking on a weather map would get a clearer picture of our weather by looking at Sacramento weather than San Fransisco weather. No mountain passes per se to block the air although Lake Tahoe is only a couple of hours away and is in the mountains.
I just think its fascinating to see the different microclimates in this area.A weather report on the news here is broken into sections.
The peninsula which includes San fransisco; the North Bay and above which will start out similar to the City but as you get further north it gets hot and dry again; the East Bay whioch includes Oakland is similar to the City but always a little warmer and Inland which is where I am and will almost always vary from the City.If the city is going to have a heavy marine layer it can take 2 days to reach out this far if it doesn't burn off before.
We don't have AC here in this house so it can get miserable.Yet at night unless we are in a heat wave as soon as the sun goes down the temperature can drop 20-30 degrees at night and windows have to be closed.
Its just an interesting phenomenon to me.
Right now its so dry.All the rain we had during the wet winter and spring made for lush growth on the mountains and prairie but with no rain reported now for a couple of months and the extreme temperatures we are in the height of wildfire season.
Everyone is very cautuous.There have been a few wildfires nearby but they have been under control in ashoty lenght of time.
Its frightening to see acres upon acres go up like kindling in just a snap of the finger.
So far i have yet to experience the other phenomen here; earthquakes. We have small ones everyday 2.0 or under the Richter scale but you don't feel them.
I don't want to ever go through one.For me that would be more frightening than a tornado or hurricane and they are frightening.But, they have a certain predictiblity to them. forecasters can know the liklihood it going to happen and when it will be over.There is shelter from them.
There is no shelter from the earth opening up and how do you know when it will start and end and return.
I don't dwell onit.I have learned the idea that we are supposed to get into a doorway is wrong.Most residential buildings were not built with seismic movement in mind so they are actually very unsafe during an earthquake.You are supposed to get outside away from any structures like into the middle of the street.
I will have a heart attack and drop unconscious or just die if I am ever in a big one so it won't matter!
Its interesting to ride the Bay Bridge and know that is where the big earthquake hit during the Worls Series of 1989.The lower deck is what you ride to head east out of San fransisco or Oakland and the upper deck is what you ride to head towards the City.
If you recall the upper deck fell into the lower deck during that quake.
They are in the process of rebuilding a new bay Bridge to withstand furthwer seismic activity but it has met delays due to political posturing and he said/she said kind of goings on.there has been a recent FBI investigation because the union that welded the parts togethe rclaim the material was hsoddy and inferior and there was payola going on.Work came to a screeching halt about the time I arrived here.The FBI determined this was false and have allowed the work to resume.
The cranes that are used to build this structure are immense.Its no egeration to say it would take someone 30 minutes to walk from ground ( sea) level to the top.They of course have an elevator sytem in place but these are huge.
Its just interesting to me to live in an area where there is so much history.i have been blessed to have those experiences in my life.
In Ohio there was historical significance in many area;of course in TX there was and now here.
To be around or even see the places you had read about but are witnessing with your own eyes is a gift to me.
To be in the City by the Bay and see the homes that made it through the 1906 earthquakes; the Golden Gate Bridge majestically jutting out of the mountain side across the water over to the peninsula; to be at the Piers and look out and see Alcratraz and know the history of it, to see how close it appears yet its an optical illusion and understand why some tried escaping but none were succesful; to be a Pier 39 with its history; to ride through Chinatown and remember heqring about it as a chil;d and understanding the Oriental influence in the Bay area and next to Chinatown is Japan town lesser known but also historical.To ride past acres and acres of vineyards and relaize you are in wine country USA.Beforehand it was PBS documentary or news story or a picture on a label of a beverage.To go past acres and acres of farm land and see the migrant workers hard at work realizing there are faces to the stories we heard on the news.I can go back to the Cesar Chevez days and the notion of supporting migrant farm workers was more an idealogical idea than something tangible yet here they were in front of you.they could be your neighbors.
The wildlife here that we just read about. And of course the endless traffic which to me is worse than Houston any day.
Its dirty, unkempt.Californians are not friendly by nature as Texans were.There isn't a sense of community I feel here as I did there.
I have lived here all this time and have said hello to two neighbors the rest don't even wave.
The sky high prices( higher than a giraffe's ass I say) aremind boggling to me and i think always will be.
Native CA are kind of proud of that fact I've discovered.Its like a badge of honor; a medal they wear, stating they survive the high prices.personally. to me i just think its ridiculous so I am not popular.
There is a lifesytle to be enjoyed here but few can enjoy it because they are constantly working to support even the basics.
For most retirees it isn't a choice to work after retirement but where.
Politically, its time to pay the piper now for all the wonderful benefits Californians have enjoyed over the years.
Cutbacks and cutthroats to education, social programs, infrastructure and health care are high on everyone's concern list which is true across the country but more prevalent here because Californians for decades just supported their grandiose notions of more and more by referendums after referundums.
Even now, the once popular Terminator turned governator is feeling the heat because he wants to do what he was elected to do and the reality has sunk in to the people of this state.
its just an interesting time to live here.
And, the area is proud of one of their own today as Astronaut Robinson makes the precent setting spacewalk today to repair the shuttle to ready it for its rteturn flight and reentry.
he is a native of Moraga.There is a corridor right after the tunnel I mentioned on the east side they call " LaMorinda. It is speaking of the areas of Lafayette. Moraga and Orinda.Its a tony area as are several other areas nearby.
He seems to be an all arounfd good guy as does the rest of the crew and I do wish them a safe reentry and landing home.
Since my last post we have learned the shuttle will be grounded until they fix the problems; good idea.i wish God's blessings on the crew making it safely home.I know we all will breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Since i have come to accept my situation its been a little different for me.
For the first time in a long time, if ever, I can see somewhat of a direction I am supposed to take.My goal is my own serenity and joy in whatever forms that means for me.
I still get anxious and even the depression sets in a lot but I know I will live through it.I will because I have before.
This is not sayinmg i don't need my meds because i know I do; it is saying that i know there is Someone with mewho has been with me throughout all my challenges.
My days are spent doing a lot of soul searching and peeling the layers off like peeling an onion to get back to the roots of it all.
I needed to be needed.Thats one of my lessons I learned.I am different now.With the old way it allowed me to be in situations that weren't always in my best interest buit were for sure in som,eone else's best interest.
Bob and i are friendly and cordial so i am not in any harm.I don't think he actually knows how to take me now.
I'm not overly conversational because once a few glasses of wine are consumed I would be having a conversation with the wine not him.He is really put out at what I know.I quietly told him recently I could appreciate it may annoy him but I wasn't going to apaologize for knowing what i know, on any subject.It occurred to me that I think indirectly he actually feels inferior to me.
Since my new attitude i am able to observe things in a different light.I think he is a terribly insecure person.I notice he will be unkind in some comments he will make about other people; some coworkers, sports players, friends.
He is a sexist chauvanist and I really never saw it until recently.
He doesn't show a lot of empathy which i find unappealing.
I knew I had made progress when last night I informed him that i read in the paper that the recycling place was letting people drop off any and all electonics for free on Sunday only.Normally, there is a $25.00 fee for each item.
He has one TV left to get rid of, his original VCR bought in 1071, 2 tuners, a turntable, the 8 track player 2 receivers and some other stuff. right away he began to make excuses to keep some of it.I stayed calm and just said. " well. I just wanted to let you know because I know you don't read that section of the paper and I don't think they are advertising it anywhere else".
The other me would have felt it was my mission to convince him how much better it would be to be rid of these things.
He has a problem and its his problem.I didn't get into another relationship to have a cause or a mission.
All my life I took on everyone's problems and tried to be the problem solver.
He went fishing on his day off with his buddy. When he returned he wanted to be conversational because he had enjoyed getting out.
By the time he returned I was tired, it was very hot.The inside temp in the house was 96 with 3 fans blowing on me and I had taken 3 showers already.I was fighting the migraine.Needless to say,I wasn't in a conversing mood.
So then he said," hows your day going"? My answer was pretty much like yesterday and last week and last month.
I haven't been anywhere since we went to his friend's sons graduation party in June.
He has not been carpooling and he makes the grocery runs so there is no use for me to use the truck.
I had asked once that it would nice if he could consider me on one of his days off.Sundays are usually spent with consuming the wine from early morning so he falls asleep by noon.the other days off are spent doing things for himself like fishing.
Its OK; its his life, his truck, his house, and his money.I hope they keep him happy when I am no longer here.
He really offended me a couple of weeks ago.it was keisha's birthday and I had a few things in a box that i had actually got in May the last time I shopped.I aleted him the week before that it needed to be shipped.He asked if it could wait until his payday which was after her birthday. I again reminded him.He took another week to send it.That hurt me because I disappointed my grandaughter and there was no reason to do it.He said he kept forgetting to take care of it.
He works for the Post Office.he delivers parcels everyday.Wouldn't that jog your memory?
But I have to say his nephews card which needed to be mailed around the same time is sitting on the piano.
And he hasn't returned his brothwer's call for more than a week so i'm not the only one he ' forgets".
There is no way i could have known these thingsabout him unless i came here.I can't kick myself.I asked all the right questions and asked them many times in different forms before i came here.You have to depend on someone's honesty.
I don't think he sees himself as dishonest.He sees it more as not fully disclosing.Is there a difference?
I've accepted that whatever grief i feel is for a relationship i thought i had but in reality that relationship never existed.Unlike the relationship with Oscar for instance.That relationship was very real.It wasn't always pleasant but there was reality to it.
Asd many women want I wanted a life with someone that was special. unique. I wanted to love and be loved; to be cherished, honored, respected, appreciated among othe rthings.
Thats what i searched my whole life for.I have learned i may not get it.Or not with a someone.
However, I can love, respect, cherish and appreciate me in my relationship with myself.
I still haven't heard anything back from the attorney on the SSD case; I will call this week as its been 30 days now.
I need that to be settled before I can leave here and move on with my life.
My physical health as well as mental health needs attention.I am in a lot of pain and that is getting hard to handle.
So thats my update to this point.
It was truly awesome to watch all the footage this morning of the shuttle returning to flight.
I remember hearing when Columbia was lost.I was living with Dan and the family in Dayton and I couldn't believe it had made it almost back to earth; so close but still so dangerous.
Over the beloved State of Texas, up in the farmlands of the Piney Woods of deep east TX laid the strewn wreckage.
I had visited the area not just a few months before.
Such a typical American hometown place of lots of little towns, one turning into the next only distinguished by the road signs.Just an ordinary place that such an extraordinary event would happen.
These people where like my neighbors.I had lived in the Houston area for 25 years and NASA was part of the community as any big business is in any town.Its one of the things that distinguishes Houston from the rest of the world.Its howthe name "Astros" came about and other words we use now in our lives that we don't give a second thought to.Asrtroturf, Astrodome.Yes, Houston was " Space City, USA" and family members were in mourning and I couldn't go home for the funeral.
I stood on that porch and figured out a way to lower the American Flag to half staff even thoughit wasn't made that way and in the cool breeze just stared south on that hilltop towards Wright-Patterson AFB.
Many times i had watched military aircraft fly over to and from the base, even Presidential aircraft but it was eerily silent just at that time.
Just the flag whip[ping in the wind, some leaves rusting around on the ground and my thoughts clamoring to be heard inside my head, each reaching out to as if to say " don't forget about me".
I remember as a young girl when John Glenn first orbited the earth and what a thrill it was.How proud I was to be American and a Buckeye.
Then Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Dan's dad and I watched it on TV;again a proud moment for Americans and Buckeyes.
We used to travel through Wapokonetta when Dan was an infant and stopped for a drink.He would just laugh and laugh at the very mention of the word Wapokonetta". It became a family joke.
I was helping a very sick friend when Challenger had its disaster.Neither of us could believe it was true.
How could this happen?A schoolteacher was on board.Family as well as the rest of the world were watching.
Then that morning as Columbia was reentering the atmosphere minutes from touchdown family watched the horror again.
We had become complacent.The shuttle lost its ability to awe us by that point.It became routine.We took it for granted.
I heard someone say the mood at NASA has changed because of this so maybe there is a benefit to it.
I hope we always stay awestruck at something so magnificent as this hunk of metal propelled towars the heavens and its work is to discover new things about the world we live in.
When I was young I used to think the whole space program was a big bunch of goobly glop but as I grew up I began to understand the value in it.
As Dan's dad would say " isn't science wonderful"?
So to the men and women who work together around the country to to pull something like this off you have restored faith back into something that was dying off.
All of are to be commended.from the janitorial staff to the leaders and the asronauts themselves congralulations on a job well done.
I haven't posted for awhile.I haven't felt well for weeks; thats some of it.
I have also been battling a huge migraine for days that has all teh symptoms they manifest.
I don't know if its related to the extreme heat we are having(as well as the rest of the country) and we don't have AC.Or is it stress?
Me, stress, now there's a thought!
Things have really deteriorated here between Bob and myself.
Oh, he is still very kind in most ways but there is a strain now that hadn't been there.
I discovered quite by accident ( isn't God good) that almost all of what he told me while I was in TX was not true.
Kind of funny since he is the one who made honesty an issue; our mantra. Shortly after i arrived the lies began to unravel as they do.
He was still involved with someone up to my arriving here;when she found out about me she went ballistic.Kind of ironic because she was married.They pulled it off because she lived in another state and they had met a few times half way in between.Yhey had been engaged before he went into the Navy and i guess they wanted to see if they had missed something.
regardless, he knew from the first conversation we had I would never be part of a triangle.
It gets better.He had been in a long term relationship for many years that supposedly ended 10 years before.Over time I discovered they are still talking on the phone, having dinner and who knows what else.
Very suspicious.She wasn't told he was involved with someone or that I was here for over 3 months after I arrived.
He has discussed me with her.He did not have my permission to do so and vilated a boundary.
The disorganization and mess in this house is incredible.It was purported that i would come here and all i needed to get this job done would be at my disposal.
That has not been the case.
If he wants or needs to live this way thats fine but he knows I don't and won't so there is a stalemate.I was very clear while I was in TX as to how I lived. I was very clear when i visited here last September.
I am embarrased as to the condition of this house and that I live here this way.
I am someone who needs color, design and joy reflected back at me in my surroundings.I was so very clear on that.
As time went by i'd catch more and more slip ups.
He drinks wine excessively and if I was still codepandant i'd take him on as a cause.Not now.I'm so past that.
He doesn't get loud or obnoxious; he sleeps.
He does what my Dad used to do to my mother and thats the silent treatment.
It is so counterproductive.
He finally admitted that all he really wanted was a maid and cook.That may have been ok had it been discussed with me ahead of time.I doubt it.
But to go a year talking to someone everyday for hours and never bring out truth is more than I want to deal with.
I am alone here about 12 hours a day which has actually given me time to really think about how I ended up here in this situation.
I still am waiting for news on the finalization of the SSD case. I still don't like that I may not have control over my own money but can see the wisdom of the courts because of my history to do it that way.
I think I've decided when all is said and done to go back to Ohio.
I couldn't live here even if I wanted to; its so overpriced.
I really love TX but there is no reason to be there now.
I have my son, daughter-in-law and grandaughter in Ohio as well as my only sister who speaks to me.In fact, we are the only siblings of us 9 who speak at all.
I won't like the winter but I'll try not to complain.
I would be returning to my hometown;some of it has changed drastically and some is still the way it was.
I am looking forward to being on my won again.
I haven't had my own home for quite awhile.
I really enjoyed being with Dan,Jennie and Keisha in Dayton but they have their place now and its best I do too.We can visit a lot and I will be available to help with Keisha when needed.
If possible i am going to give myself an extra bedroom to be used as an office/ guest room/ craft room.Why? I just want to thats all and I figure when you get this age you should give yourself what you want when you can.
I want to have family dinners at my house again and have my grandaughter and neice spend the night giggling in the next room.
I want to hide Christmas presents from Keisha that she may find in her own house.
I want to pick her up and go for an ice cream cone and she can confide secrets to me and me to her!
I want to be the sagey matriarch who imparts the wisdom she has accumulated and shares the recipes and tells the stories of those who lived ahead of us so they can continue to be told after us.
I want to be there to look the guy over when Keisha goes on her first date. I know how guys can be; they aren't going to get over on me with my granddaughter!
Do I regret coming here? Not really. I regret that someone chose to be dishonest because it makes him a sad person.
Do I feel any obligation to him? No.
Will we remain friendly? Maybe only time will tell.
Will I ever be involved with someone else.
Who knows?
I wasn't looking when Bob came into my life and I'm not looking now.
I don't need a man in my life today. However, I do need me in my life today.
Its been a challenge to go through all this unmedicated.Don't everunderestimate the power of prayer.
Maybe someday there will be a someone I can share something with but thats not my focus now.
I will be mighty skeptical in the future.Coming off the heels of suppossed honesty will be a tough act to follow.
I don't think I will signing up for any dating service anytime soon.
This past couple of years has been a training ground for me to be on my own and to be happy about it.
So some may say well he wasn't an abuser. Think again. The characteristics were there just more benevolent.
Control is control no matter how pretty a bow you put on it.
He is a good person who makes some bad choices.
And i've made my share of incorrect choices.
I think maybe its time to go back to my hometown and start all over again with all the knowledge I have gained since I left.
I haven't felt well the last few days and have been distracted by some goings on here but I really wanted to post to let those who may read this across the ocean know my symphathy and regret over yesterday's bombing.
Regardless how any of us feel about the war or whether we should be there or not no country or one of its residents or visitors should have to live in fear of terrorists.
They are monstrous cowards and i hope the world resolves to never bow down to them.
I don't understand that there could be a belief system that would promote viloence and its comrades- evilness, maiming, death, fear and outrageous behavior as something to follow much less believe in.
Regardless who someone thinks of as their God that God would want peace and tranquility.
For the victims of yesterdays tradegy my heart aches for all of you and for all the rest of the world as it shows we all are victims in this monstrosity called Al-Queida.
As part of the human race we can't back down. We have to unite together. Mothers hearts break regardless which cause you believe in when a life is taken away or shattered by violence.
I know this isn't going to end anytime soon but the people who perpetrate this type of violence should know good always wins over evil.
The long awaited SSD hearing was today.
It was a long day. Bob and I had to leave early this morning due to the traffic heading into Oakland and we weren't exactly sure where we were going.
Bob was not allowed into the federal Bldg because he had been mistakenly carrying around his expired driver's license. I told him when he got the new one to cut up the old one but in his convulated way of holding onto everything he kept it. So I had to go it alone.
Present was myself and my attorney, whom I had not met until that time, a doctor for Social Security, a vocational expert for Social Security, the judge ( for Social Security) and his clerk.
My file consisted of 2 large folders of information each, literally, about 2 feet thick. And it was considered to be not documented well.
However, what documentation there was was consistent.
Today was the first time I had a chance to review the report the doctor I had to see in Benicia wrote up after he evaluated me a few weeks ago.
I am considered Type 2 Bipolar with severe depression as the predominant factor and mania as the less dominant; borderline personality disorder ( which I did not know) resultant from all the abuse over the years; clinical and severe depression;some manifestestion of ADHD ( which I had guessed at but did not know); post traumatic stress disorder; panic attacks; fibromyalgia, severe arthritis in my spine and degenerative disc disease.
I was so anxious and at times overcome with panic during the hearing yet held up well considering.
It was hard to sit there and listen to yourself be described so clinical; almost as if you weren't in the room. the SS doc was an older gentleman and very kind and compassionate. I would have liked him as my primary physician.
The vocational guy was not Mr. Personality and was barely consulted after the doc gave his summation.
Then I was asked to give testimony. It was difficult to recall the awful things in your life and then to describe specifically how now, today, you are a failure in the work force because you cannot produce as you once did.
You kind of realize in that moment you are two people. The one you used to be and the one you are today.
I used to be the ultimate volunteer; the worker who put in 70-80 hrs a week. Now, I was hard pressed to put in 8.
The SSD doc explained in brief to the judge how any chronic pain condition wears someone down. And how not sleeping wears someone out.
And the toll abuse takes on someone's life.
And that he saw no recovery for me.
Hearing that just broke me down.
Somehow hearing the words said just affected my soul.
I don't want to be sick; I want to be normal.
I want to be able to go to work and complain about my job and bitch about taxes and how the health care coverage stinks.
I want to have those friendships that develop with coworkers; share lunch hours, deadlines, responsibilities.
Hearing formally that part of my life is over was like hearing your best friend just died.
I realize I had been fighting for my disability for 3 years yet when it was spoken out as a reality it hit like a ton of bricks.
Speaking of the 3 years I still don't know if they are going all the way back to when I first filed. that is still under dispute and will be reviewed.
What is under consideration is that I tried to work during that time. Isn't that a laugh?
I had no way to support myself yet because I tried to I may be penalized. Isn't this country great?
My total earnings for last year were less than $2000 and I may be penalized for it.
My total earnings since I first filed over 3 years ago were less than $10000 and I may be penalized.
Yet, they consider how much you are able to earn to base how much you will realize in your monthly check. So if I had been able to earn a lot of money my checks would be higher but because I even attempted to work at all I may be penalized.
Because I have been so victimized in my past the reccomendation is that I may not have control over my own funds.
I guess i would be like a ward of the courts and my funds would be dispursed to me through a third party. Thats a bite because it feels like I'm being victimized again; I see their rationale but I think I should have some say in it also.
Anyway, the worst of it is over. I will now wait to see if I am under review.
The judge did say he would expedite as much as possible so I could then start the process of receiving much needed medical treatment as I've had none since I've been in CA.
So, thank you, Jesus and to all my friends and few family members who stood by me throughout this process. I couldn't have done so well without the support and encouragement I had from all of you.
I added that article to my posts because i think we need to be reminded war is very ugly.
That soldier was killed with my friends brother-in-law.
All the soldiers from all sides in every war believe in " their' cause.
In recent days we have learned from news articles we lied to yet again by this administation.
I want to say didn't anyone think about the very real consequences of war but I think I know the answer.
Its a business.
Casualties are faceless and nameless.
They are grouped together into a statistic so it becomes palatable for us to swallow.
In years to come when this is over we will read the death count and it will be a number. Only the family members will remember there was a human life attached to that number and what the world lost because that person is no longer here.
I won't change anything because I put this out there but I will know they won't be forgotten.
I just want each of us to pause for even a moment and comprehend the true cost of war.
Its not just the billions spent on warfare that could have been spent in other ways; what if this money had been spent on Veterans affairs because of the true toll from previous wars instead of creating more havoc in individual lives.
But the government will have you believe there is no funds available for correcting the wrongs that war created; Veterans take their oath and are promised we, the American people will take care of them and honor their service.
Every program that involves veterans has been drastically cut over recent years.
I, myself have had occasion to visit VA hospitals and its discouraging and embarrasing as a citizen of this country who enjoys the freedoms their service stood for, to see how they are treated.
Its a complex issue but if we funneled all the money that has been spent on this war alone a huge difference could have been made into these programs.
And all the other worthy programs; health care, homelessness issues, the elder issues, parenting issues; housing issues. i could go on.
But we are told there is no money. Yet, there is always money to go slaughter and be slaughtered.
I think what makes this country great in part is because we are so profoundly affected by our freedoms yet when basic needs are not being met by the masses the possibility is there to fall apart from the inside out.
Its not only terrosits we need to fear but as the saying goes " I have met the enemy and it is us".
Soldier's children get Father's Day card back after man dies in Iraq
Associated Press
MOSS POINT, Miss. - Spc. Terrance Lee's young sons got a solemn reminder that Father's Day will never again be the same.
A Father's Day card that Terrance Jr., 5, and Ramone, 3, mailed to Mississippi Army National Guard soldier before his death was returned from Iraq on Friday.
"His card came back just yesterday that the kids sent," the children's grandmother, Dinah Lee, said Saturday afternoon.
Ramone initially was excited, thinking his dad had sent him a birthday card, she said.
When his grandmother explained that it was the Father's Day card they sent their dad, Ramone clutched the envelop close to his heart.
Then T.J. wanted the card, she said.
The compromise: they each took turns holding the card.
"That went on until they went to bed," Dinah Lee said.
Terrance Lee was killed by a bomb outside of Amiriyah, some 25 miles west of Baghdad, while on patrol the morning of June 11.
He was a member of the 155th Brigade Combat Team, which is made up of about 3,500 Mississippians and other National Guard soldiers from several states.
At least a dozen 155th soldiers have lost their lives in Iraq since the unit deployed in January.
Also killed in the same attack as Lee, was Sgt. Larry R. Arnold Sr., 46, of Carrier.
Both soldiers were part of Company B 150th Combat Engineer Battalion of Lucedale.
Lee was a 1999 graduate of Moss Point High School and joined the Guard in 2002.
Lee's wife, Stephanie, is expecting their first daughter in September.
The couple met at Northrop Grumman Ship Systems, where they both worked. Terrance Lee was a first class welder and she is a pipefitter.
"He loved to talk. He loved to laugh. He didn't meet any strangers," Stephanie Lee has said. "He lived to the fullest. He didn't let anything bother him."
Information from: The Mississippi Press, http://www.gulflive.com
Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there and to the Mom's who also are Dad's raising children alone without the benefit of the other parent.
I want to comment on my own son, Dan, as a father.
It is such a joy to know him as a Dad with Keisha.
They are the perfect father/daughter team.
What makes it cute sometimes is as his mother I see him in her!
Not just in certain looks( she actually looks more like Jennie) but in mannerisms but especially temperment.
I won't ever forget living with them and when she realized my power as her Dad's mother the light bulb went off in her head.
Even today she will sometimes say, " Nana, YOUR son did this or that".
One of the things Dan does is to take special time with Keisha that is just for them.
He started date night with her when she was small.
He recently told me he is taking her in the mornings to a dance camp before he goes to work and has shared some of the things they talk about.
Neither of them realize the full impact that time together will have on her future.
I only remember a few times I had occasion to spend alone time with my Dad but they are seared in my memory.
He and I were the only ones in our large family that enjoyed black licorice.
Probably no more than 5 times in my growing up did he and I go to a candy store in downtown Cincinnati and he ordered a 1/4 of a pound of " licorice boats".
I don't remember why we would have been downtown together with no one else because my Dad hated to shop. It would have had to be for a different reason but that memory is gone.
The one that stays is the smell of the candy store and the taste and texture of those licorice boats.
And, my Dad was the one who would read or make up stories. another memory of " alone' time with him is funny.
I was given the job of scratching my Dad's scalp with a massager gizzmo he had that had a blue plastic brush attachment. he had a burr haircut back then and he had dandruff. i really got into this task!
I also wqas the one who was given the job of peeling his skin from sunburn.
That was pretty neat too; my goal was to see how big of pieces I could get without tearing it!
The other kids would sometimes do these jobs too but they were primarily my job.
Friday, the 17th was Dan and Jennie's 10th anniversary! What an accomplishment in today's times.
They are an inspiration to me. they have weathered many a storm and still landed on their feet.
I think the most special wedding I ever attended was theirs followed closely behind by sister's Mary's wedding.
ironically, those 2 marriages have lasted. I've attended glitzier weddings and more pomp but those 2 stand out in my memory.
I will always have in my memory the look on my son's face as he he saw his bride enter the church and walk towards him. No one else existed but those two at that moment.
I knew that they had something special that would see through the test of time.
I was proud that starting at that moment I was no longer the most important female in his life. It was as it should be; Jennie was #1. Now, I am # 3 as Keisha is #2 and I couldn't be happier.
I have the best daughter-in-law anyone could have. I think of her as a daughter.
She is as much my family as if I had given birth to her.
She is an exceptional woman.
They are one of the best families I know.
I belong to a chat room through my cell phone and have met some really interesting people.
In fact, thats how I met Bob.
Several ladies and I have chatted on the phone many times and have become part of each other's faimily.
I am sad to report that one of the ladies lost her brother-in-law this past Saturday.
He had just been home in May for a 2 week R&R and if there is any consolation I guess thats it.
He leaves behind a wife of 25 years and 3 sons, one of which was serving in his unit with him.
The son had just come home Friday afternoon for his 2 week R&R and his Dad was killed on Saturday.
A suicide bomber went off near the truck and blew up.
Another young man was also killed from a nearby town serving in the same unit.
The son is feeling the loss of his Dad as well as his leader; he is also feeling tremendous guilt over not being with his Dad at the time of the explosion. He is 21 years old; so much he's had to deal with at such a young age.
This is a Christian family so they will have their faith to sustain them but being human its not going to be easy.
When will this war end and when will the killing of our precious citizens end.
Any death is hard to grasp but the spoils of war are sickening to me.
My own son serves in the Navy and although I am so proud he serves his country I would be hard pressed to be consoled if he to lose his life for this cause.
I deeply feel for each family everytime I hear another life has been lost.
And I also feel for the ones who don't come back whole.
Everyone has their opinion and I have mine.
I know good things are being done over there to rebuild schools and infrastucture.
There is much still needing to be done.
Most people don't realize that the mail system is about non-existant over there so everyday people don't even have the mail to communicate.
I guess thank God for the internet for those that have access.
I know there is a bigger picture and I don't get to see it all and can only hope that some good comes out of this.
I remember Vietnam and I'm still trying to find the good that came of it.
OK- I'm back! we had a great time but I'm sure paying for it.
We got lost on the way to start with. He had forgotten exactly where the Best Western was they stay at it. He knew he had to go through Alameda and then back into Oakland.
Well, because we got lost I got to see the closed down Alameda Navy base that was his home port when he was in the Navy.
My sister had stayed there too in base housing when her husband was in the Navy on the same ship, the Enterprise.
It was neat to see the area my sister haunted when she lived here. I wish she was speaking to me so I could tell her about it. ( that's a different story)
We stayed in Jack London square by the Bay and took the ferry over to SBC park to the game.
That was a nice experience. It was still daylight soIi got some pictures. Yes, I was the geeky tourist!
We arrived at the park to rain.
It has rained exactly 5 times on that date in June in San Fransisco in 155 years and lucky me I got to be in part of the history.
It normally doesn't rain here after May throughout the summer.
Let me tell you - it rained.
We of course didn't have an umbrella with us. The temp had dropped down to about 55 degrees and the wind was about 30 miles an hour.
It was cold.
Our seats were right over an overhang so it was out of the question to sit there. We stood until the top of the 4th inning under a little alcove and decided to take our chances and go to the top of the bleachers on the opposite side of the park.
When we got over there an usher told us to go ahead and pick out what seats we wanted. We laughed about the " upgrade".
The Giants lost but we still had fun all in all.
On the ferry ride back we got hot chocolate and were dreaming about the heater in the room!
The next morning we had breakfast and headed into the City. We parked about a good 15 minute walk from the park.The closer lots are for people who hold season tickets.
It was a nice sunny day but still windy.
Its a nice walk along the Embarcadero. The water is right there and the boulevards are very nicely landscaped.
We arrived at the park and had another 15 minute brisk walk up to the top again.
Our seats were in the sun so I got sunburned.
My back is killing me from all the walking and standing but it was still a great time. The Giants won that game by the way!
After each game they play Tony Bennet singing " I left my heart in San Fransisco".
It was great to get away for a couple of days and do something different.
At the day game there was a section of young boys maybe 8-10 years old that were a hoot.
Probably a little league team. They did the chants you hear at the little league games.
They would yell at the umpire.
One time when I expected them to yell it was silent. I looked over and they were all eating hot dogs!
The Golden Gate bridge was a magnificent sight. As we were on the Bay bridge you could look over and see the famous orange structure jutting out of the hills and over the water.
Bob and I both message into a phone chat group and everyone was messaging us the first night for updates and for me to report the scenery. They call me " GiantsQueen"! That isn't my handle but maybe I should change it.
Now, they want us all to get together next summer here for a reunion.
Here I am new to this area and they want me to play tour guide!
So here I am with my aching back and sunburned face and scalp yet I would do it all over again.
