update on Pamela Vitale case

Today in my local paper is a picture of Scott Dyleski who is charged with Pam's murder.

I am so outraged that he is trying to now pass himself off as this clean cut, well rounded, all American kid.

He is so far from that its beyond description.

He is a calculating, evil spirited Monster and animal.

Yes he may be disturbed but I personally know a few people who are disturbed and they aren't the vicious killer this animal is.

He is a classic sociopath in my opinion. He has no conscience, no moral standard, no spiritualness that would or could redeem him.

He is a classic example of an abuser.

He plotted a credit card scheme to faciliate a marijuana operation. He invaded the privacy of neighbors. This was calculated and perperated over a period of time.

Someone got in his way; his "perfect" plan had imperfections.
He manipulated the situation to be in his favor. Aand he manipulated others to hide his imperfections.

He is without fault in his mind because he had a few bad breaks in his life.

Now, his mother is in jail for assisting his escape and not accepting resposnsibility for his actions.

Its reported after this crime he went to his girlfriends house to have sex. And if that isn't sick and demented I don't know what is.

This week even more details were given in this crime against Pam. More details that prove the brutality of this Monster.

It wasn't enough to beat her to death; she was stabbed in her abdomen, a cut 4 inches deep.

That takes force; it wasn't an accident.

The repeated blows to the head that crushed her skull were evidence of someone in a fit of rage.

A big screen TV was moved from its spot in the midst of this struggle.

I am so proud of her to have put up a valiant fight to the end. It will be her words, voice, look in her eyes, her energy that will haunt him the rest of his life.

She was smart. She gathered all the evidence she could in those final moments to help solve this crime. She made sure there were clues left behind.

I believe this Monster led a life of evil and Pam led a life of good and in the end good won out over evil.

She was planning her dream home to every detail; she was planning on attending the ballet later that day.

That tells me something about the gentleneness and spirit of this woman.

No, he is not a clean cut All American young man. And I am so sick of defense teams that attempt to portray their clients in such a way.

If he was proud to be Goth on the outside before he was locked up he should be proud to continue that image. However, isn't it ironic that the manipulater gets manipulated?

Isn't it ironic in this case of ironies that the person who calculated all the details and rebelled against authority now has to succumb to authority?

Isn't it ironic that this evil person will now try to prey upon the symphaty of 12 people whom he
would have felt superior to in the outside world?
And isn't it ironic that because of his age he can't get the death penalty so he will hear and see pam's image for many. many. many years to come?

The only good I can find is that he is off the streets and will not harm anyone else.
Someone capable of this could only get worse. He was most likely capable of being a serial killer in the future.

Each time someone got in his way or couldn't be manipulated they would have been disposable.

There are probably some who will feel sorry for him because of his age. I don't.

I've known people who grew up in dire circumstances but yet chose right from wrong.

This was not someone mentally challenged. He was bright. He had resources available to him.
He used his intelligence the wrong way.

My heart goes out to the family of Pam Vitale. I can only imagine their horror and loss.

My regret that they have had and will continue to have this case confront them for the unforseeable future.

My sorrow for them that they have had to lose such an intregal person in their lives.

My sympathy is for this family; not some conjured symphathy for a display of intended manipulation of a person who is made to look more human.

Murder solved and other news

As many may know a 16 yr old young man was arrested in the Pamela Vitale murder.

It is such a tragic story as all are but the ironies in this case make it stand out.

This boy was a neighbor whose mother had been helped pro bono by Dan Horrowitz, Pamela's husband.

She was beaten and bludgeoned 39 times in the head by a piece of crown moulding and another piece of lumber from the dream house she and her husband were having built.

This dream home was designed by her and every square inch of it was planned in detail by her.
This home would have been completed 4 months ago had the builder not become ill. The home was going to equipped with every conceivable security measure due to the nature of Dan's work.
Had she lived in the dream home the boy would not have gained access to the property.

This young man had become involved with a Goth cult after his sister was killed in a car accident a couple of years ago.
He is apparently a very bright young man.
He took his GED test last year and was attending a local college.
He is a former Boy Scout.

He left her with a Gothic cross he slashed into her back; almost as a signature.
Then, when finished proceeded to go take a long shower and get something to drink before leaving this home.

The motive apparently was involved in a credit card scheme he ans some friends were perpetrating on some neighbors.
They gained access to accounts and it's reported he was expecting a shipment of equipment to be delivered to the property of the Hoorowitz family;a shipment needed to use for the purposes of culivating a marijuana farm.

The crime scene was horrific and Dan has stated "she put up a hell of a fight". I'm quite sure that fight helped solve this crime.

Here is this man who vehemently is a defender of defendants and has had to experience this horrendous crime to the woman he loved.

He knew what he was witnessing when he entered the home and found her.How surreal to have viewed so many crime scene photographs and to see one from your eyes in your own home with your own loved one.

On one hand he was the surviving, grieving husband and the other he was the criminal defense attorney protecting a crime scene.

Anther irony was the case that took him away from his home early that morning was another high profile murder case in the neighboring community.

And because he was considered a suspect all his data from that case was confiscated. So what happens now?
The very department that investigated the other murder now has access to priveleged information.
The coroner that did the other autoposy was the same one who did Pamela's.
One of the defense claims was that the autoposy was botched; so that coroners professional opinions will be brought to light in both murder cases.

How does Susan Polk get a fair trial when the other side now has access to all her priveleged information?

By all accounts both Dan and Pamela were giving, loving, generous people and didn't flaunt their wealth or notoriety but used it to help others.And one of the others was the very one who took her life.


Another news story from the Bay area that has received some attention is the mother who threw her 3 children off Pier 7 in San Fransisco.
She is reported to be a victim of domestic vilence and is mentally ill.
Conflicting reports say she either went off her meds or was taken off.
Now, 3 children are dead in another horrific crime.

The same day a young adult, reportd to again be mentally ill chose to speed in front of a school with children walking home and hit a parked car that was shoved into a crowd of children and a brother and sister were killed and several others critically injured.
One report said he was known to not like young children.

But on a brighter note a young woman was surfboarding in the Bay and was attacked by a shark but has miraculously survived.She was a centimeter of losing her life.Had the shark bit her one centimeter from where it did it would have hit her juggular vein.
She was rescued and is expected to go home today.


And the really bright spot in my news is ---The Astros!

First time in franchise history they are going to the World Series.

Everyone expects the White Sox to win but Iwouldn't rule out the 'stros. tthey got to where they did by holding up in clutch circumstances.

Roger Clemens Mom on the day she died predicted that day that the Astros would win 10-2 and
he was scheduled to pitch that night. He told his sister it would be a miracle because all season they hadn't given him any real run support. they won, 10-2.

She claimed to have seen Shoeless Joe talk to her 4 X's that day and he told her it would be the White sox and the Astros in the series. At that time both teams were struggling and it wasn't a shoe in if they would even be in the playoffs.

I am a lifelong baseball fan; bred into me by my Mother.
I can remeber hearing many games on our little green Westinghouse radio that had the two gold knobs and the melted spot on top.

I see my mother ironing listening to the game as I write this! She was a Reds fan through and through.
We even wondered the year she died if she wasn't hanging on to make sure her Reds and her Pete Rose won the series.

So now we have my Mom and Rogers Mom in heaven and although my Mom might not be an Astros fan shee will be rooting for the National League.

So don't rule out those Astros just yet. the power of prayer between a Mom and the Big guy can be pretty powerful!

From my lips to my Mom's energy to God's ears there can be hope!

Go Astros!

In memory of Pamela Vitale

Today, I dedicate this post to the memory of Pamela Vitale; a woman I did not know but wish I had.

As many who have watched the news recently know there has been a high profile murder case here in Contra Costa County.

It is the case of Susan Polk, a woman who is accused of murdering her husband; she claims its was self defense.

Just to refresh, this is the case of the woman who had been her husban's patient and by all accounts an affair strted when she was 15 years old.

The accounts I have read and based on my own personal knowlege of domestic violence , her case appears to be classic.

Her attorney was Daniel Horowitz. He was Pamela Vitale's husband.

In the most bizarre, twisted, unusual, contorted, heart wrenching set of circumstances the two families became more intertwined than anyone could have ever guessed when he took this case.

Mr. Horowitz himself became a statistic of violent crime Saturday.

He came home from an all day session preparing for Susan's trial to find his wife brutally and viciously murdered in their doorway.

By every account this family was epitome of love, support, graciousness, kindness, emphathy, supportive, caring and helpful.

Although they were a high profile family they were also top notch people.

Everything i have read and heard on Pamela Vitale has been nothing but good.
Not that anyone would deserve to die so tragically, but she certainly didn't.

No one can dispute that they were a couple very much in love; supported each other in every way;lived their lives to represent the way they felt towards each other.

They were in the process of building a grand home, their dream home.It may seem ostentatious to those of us who don't live that lifestyle but they had earned it- together.

I see the image of her face in print and in the TV screen and just know she was a warm and kind and fun person.

You see that smile and wish you could have heard the laugh that came with it.

The world was a better place because she was here and will miss something now because she isn't.

The same law enforcement department that has investigated the Polk case is now under way investigating this case. The same coroner that did the autoposy in the Ppolk case had to perform the task of the autoposy in this case. The same courthouse that Mr. Horowitz had walked into as a defender of the defense in the Polk case will someday enter that building as the grieving husband and prosecution witness in another high profile case.

The ironies are too much for words.

Right now, we in this community just think of him as another victim in the ongoing horrendous wave of crime in this country.
He isn't a high profile attorney but a grieving husband who has lost the love of his life.

His life will never be the same with Pamela's loss and the community will never be the same because she is no longer present in this community.

Today, my thoughts and prayers go out to this family and every family who has become a victim of crime in any form.

To Pamela, you are in a better place but you will be sorely missed.

Word Verification for Comments

Hi everyone. I've just stopped by to inform you that I've enabled word verification for comments. I've noticed some comment spam showing up here.

For those that don't like it, I have one thing to ask: hunt down and kill each and every comment spammer!

Comment spam = bad
Good comment from actual human = good

Okay, I'm done. Now back to your regular blogging!

P.S. You can stop by to see what I'm up to at Journey Inside My Mind.

Dan's podcast on domestic violence walkathon

I am amazed at the talent and expertise my son Dan had in putting this podcast together.

I don't say this because he is my son; it is of similar quality as you would find in a network broadcast.

It is emotional, uplifting, informative and puts a face so to speak on this issue.

What a tribute and testament to Cheryl Dawson and the life she led. And its in celebration of her life that is inspiring and the facts surrounding her murder at the hands of one who professed to love that are poignant.

Unfortunately, Cheryl was one of many. I didn't know her personally but I know her. In listening to the comments by those who did know her personally I got a glimpse of who she really was.

Cheryl was more than a domestic violence statistic.
She was a wife, Mom, daughter, friend, employee, church member. she lived in a community that was like any other community.

She was educated. In many ways she was abnormally normal.

Inside her day to day life she lived a horrible existence. She lived in fear, desperation, isolation; she attempted to change her circumstances and for that she was murdered in broad daylight on a busy downtown street.

Her story is too often repeated.

The most dangerous time for a woman who is a domestic violence situation is when she has taken action to leave those circumstances.


Unless and until we all rise up to educate ourselves about the Cycle of Violence her story and those of too many will be repeated.

The victims of domestic violence are not just the statistic who has a name and face and life.
We are all victims.
We are robbed of living in a society where families live harmoniously. Children grow up witnessing not only unspeakable acts but the loss of dignity and serenity.

Not every case of domestic violence is as dramatic as Cheryl's.

Some just live with the day to day barage of verbal assualt.Some live with financial restrictions.
Some live with loss of freedom, independance and control. Some live with educational restriction. some live with the the just the threat of these things.

What is common throughout is the powerlessness. Domestic Violence is insidious.
It hardly ever starts out to be as big as it ends up.

A rude comment said in jest; a comment about how long it took to return from the store said with a sense of love that the person just missed your presence.

A conversation that your friends don't have your best interest at heart but the person who claims to love does.And those comments become convincing until you doubt your own judgement.
An isolation from family convincing you that your people just don't like this person and you took a vow to cleave unto him.

The way you dress or wear makeup or style your hair is brought into question and to please you transform yourself into the person he wants you to be.

Comments are made that question your sexuality and your ability to mother; your femininity is devalued.

Often, these are the same comments you heard as a child made to your mother. Although unpleasant they seem normal.

If you were brought up in a home that abuse was normal abuse will look normal in your home.

Being a nurturing female you want to please so you are the one who accomodates. You feel responsible because the males in your life told you that you are.

These things happen long before the first slap.

And often the its some time before the first slap turns into a punch, a kick, a shove.

And he is always sorry and you choose to believe it because by then you are not only beaten up, you are also beaten down.

The promises are made that it will never happen again and it doesn't, ---until the next time.
And the next time happens more frequent until its an everyday occurence and in its insanity it also begins to appear "normal".

Meanwhile you have retreated into a place inside yourself that no one knows exists trying to hang on.

Its always your fault.Its the if only's, the you should or shouiln't haves, the I wishes.

Its always I love you, but....

And one day you through the grace of God Almighty decide to end it.

It may be because of your children; it may be because someone got through to you. it may be for a reason you don't even know how to articulate.

The human spirit is fragile yet resourceful.

There is fear and trepidation along with exhilaration and excitement.

Get in touch with a women's center, have a safety plan.
Help is available.
There can be life away from abuse. I know.I'm living it.

Its a journey. its a struggle. Its difficult.

Yet its the life free from condemnation that is the rainbow waiting for you.

Hello from Dan, Jennie, and Keisha

Hi, this is Dan, momentarily hi-jacking this blog to encourage you to check out my blog, where I've talked (literally, if you listen to the podcast) about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The picture you see above is of me and my family at the YWCA in Cincinnati this past Saturday.

I'm going to hand control of this blog back to my Mom now. Bye!

Pedophiles- we are after you

Watching the Oprah Winfrey show was such a moving, powerful experience.

She has called for this nation to rise up and say enough is enough when it comes to pedophiles being allowed to walk our streets, steal and rape and murder our children.I, for one, intend to stand and be counted.

http://www2.oprah.com/index_du.jhtml

go to this link for all the information.

As I have said most of my life and hearing Oprah say it today just furthers the validity there is no such thing as a recovering pedohile.

They are not rehabilitated; they are warehoused and let out, assuming they are even caught, only to victimize over and over and over again.

She gave an example of one of these animals who has spent his time in jail writing journals in explicit detail as to how with precision he will reoffend.

As a nation we all need to be so sick of this that we rise up in the streets and demand an end to this.
Its not someone else's child.They are our children. We each are responsible.It takes a village.

And until this country decides it doesn't matter if its your son, husband, father, uncle, cousin, nephew or brother that is the pedohile and they need to be stopped it will continue and it will become even more heinous.

A few years ago we were shocked and appalled that a child would be abducted from her home from her own bed; raped and killed and left like last weeks trash waiting to be found .

We tolerate it still today because we have not risen up and said "NO MORE".

We need a national policy that one crime and you are improsined for the rest of you natural life in these cases.

And personally to me thats getting off easy.

These predators are no more than diabolical anim,als stalking prey.

One recent case the predator watched the family inside their home with night vision goggles to learn their movements.
This literally sickens me.My stomach turns when I think of it.

I was a victim of a pedohile within my own family.And it went on and on and on.

Why did it happen to me?
Only because I was available and weaker did it happen to me.It happened to other family members. Later another family member victimized me in a different way.

A nephew assaulted a boy that was like a grandson to me in my home. I had him arrested.Since then he has reoffended again, more than once.
We found out that time in my home wasn't his first offense.And, that he was a victim of his brother and who victimized the brother?

Its enough. It has to stop. its become a national epidemic.If this were a killer virus we would all be up in arms.

Right now. over 100,000 sex offenders are roaming the streets unaccounted for because they violated their parole.

Each one of the crimes we have heard and read about in recent years it wasn't the first time this person committed this type of act.
Some have repeat histories of 25 years or more. And they get more heinous each time they act.

Think about that the next time you look into a childs face. Look them into the eye and say out loud "I couldn't care about you because I am too busy with my own life".

If we had to do that each and every time we saw a child anywhere, it would stop.

So all pedophiles everywhere across this country- tag your it now.
We are coming after you. Now, you will be hunted down for the animal you are.
You can't find a place that someone in this country won't recognize you.
You are outed as of now.

You want to play dirty; well ,we will match you at your own game.

However devious you may be we will know.We will be watching. We will know your sick, deviant behavior and you can be locked up with other animals just like you.
Maybe if you are lucky you will be in solitary confinement because the most hated criminal is prison is a pedohile.
Even the worst criminals despise you.

Your face will be plastered on TV, billboards and any other medium we can find.
Just like an exterminator spraying a fog for roaches you will be found; you will be hunted down; you will be snuffed out.

America is pissed off and is fighting back. And its about damn time.

Domestic Violence

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month -

As many who know me I am a survivor of domestic violence myself.
Some of my experiences have been chronicled here in past postings.

I am away from the perpetrator who committed the last acts of violence on me that drove me from my home into a shelter for more than a year now yet the effects are still with me.

And the effects of all the abuse I suffered over my lifetime that allowed me to be in that situation stay with me today.

Domestic Violence is insiduous.
It does not discriminate against age, sex, religion, economic background, history, ethnic origin or educational level.

It permeates throughout our lives each and every day.

We work with, live next door to, go to church with, shop with, bank with, attend sporting events, gossip with, hire out for skills, and eat at resturants with all kinds of abusers on a daily basis.

An abuser doesn't look like anyone else but yourself.There is no identyfying mark on his/her forehead to distiguish them from another more civil person.

That person more than likely has told the victim a thousand times how much they are loved.
That person more likely than not has voted in elections. That person has attended church at some point in their life if not regularly.
That person may have served in the armed forces of our country or someone country they share allegiance.
That person often has a mortgage, pays for credit card debt and braces for their child teeth.
That person often has a degree from an institution of higher learning or a skill learned from a trade in which they are employed.

You wouldn't necessarily know an abuser just by looking at them.

However, there are traits that are classic. Once one is educated as to what they are they are flags that need to be noted.
I learned these flags while I was lodged in a domestic violence shelter.

I consider myself an educated person; I read more than one newspaper a day, Ii read all kinds of information online, I watch the news and some talk shows, I listen to broadcasts on major news networks and cable.
I thought I was informed.
Yet, I didn't know all that there was to know.I was ignorant of many facts.

And when it is what you knew from your earliest memories you are clouded to reality.
It appears as normal although unpleasant.
It appears as there is always an explanation absolving the abuser of his guilt.

I hope to provide information this month coming up in thiss forum to help educate those who may be as ignorant as I was. To personalize it in some way to reach those who may still be living with it on a daily basis.To assist those who want to change their destiny as it is today in showing there is another way.

I am one of many who are living proof it can stop; there is another way to live.

My son Dan is addressing this issue also on his blog- journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com

You may not be able to change your abuser.I couldn't. However, you can change your environment.

One of the classic symptoms of an abuser is not to be recognized as one so they will convince you its you, not them who has a problem.

You do have problems if you are living with abuse but you aren't the perpetrator.

If you suspect someone is a victim of domestic violence or if you yourself are a victim I urge you to contact someone.Clergy, United Way, the YWCA, a crisis hotline, look in the phone book under womens center or some type of listing such as that or call your local law enforcement are places that can provide assistance to help.

You don't have to live like that one more day. Not even one more hour. It can stop.

Hurricane Rita and memories of Galveston

I am watching the news coverage of impending Hurricane Rita expected to hit the Texas coast within the next 24 hrs.

I remember my first visit to Galveston Island.

Christmas Day, 1981.

Paul and Ii and the kids had moved to Houston that previous July. Having no family in TX with us and not having the usual tradition of the "Mitchell's" gathering at my house for the holiday I decided to do something different and unusual.

This was predicated on the unusual Thanksgiving we just had.We ate our Thanksgiving dinner outside at the picnic table.
To keep the theme going I decided we should go to the beach for Christmas Day.

Keep in mind we were transplants from Ohio.
The previous Christmas was spent in temperatures of 20+ below zero degrees with wind chill factor of over 60 below.

It was a beautiful TX winter day that day.Sunshine, virtually no wind and 76 degrees.
There were pictures taken of all the kids playing on the beach and out in the Gulf. Paul and I even went out to knee deep water just to say we were in the ocean on Christmas Day.We joked with friends and family back in Ohio "what were you doing Christmas Day"? "We spent the day at the beach"!

The drive there was an awesome experience for us. Yes, we were the typical tourists!

We saw for the first time the huge palm trees, some you could tell had been bent and damaged by previous tropical storms which only added to the awe.
We saw for the first time the houses built on stilts as you went through the Texas coastal cities leading up to the causeway.
We were astounded that most had boat slips instead of garages.
We saw a Kip's big boy restaurant. We decided to stop. We were used to our Frisch's big boy restaurants back in Cincinnati and longed for a Big Boy hamburger that was defined by its own tartar sauce; the precursor to the Big Mac. The Big Boy was an institution.

Imagine our disappointment when the sandwiches were delivered with a thousand island like dressing instead of the famous Big Boy tartar sauce we were used to.
They thought we were crazy.A hamburger with tartar sauce?! And, we used a side of it for our french fries! OOOH how icky!

We learned on subsequent stops there to ask for them dry and a side of tartar sauce.And whenever someone visited from Ohio they were enlisted to bring along a couple pints of tartar sauce with them.

So we arrived on the Island and were just amazed at the sights.
The shops that displayed the beach type souveneirs; the restaurants; the Strand and the historical buildings that had survived the 1900 devasting hurricane.

The building I was always most impressed with on each visit to Galveston was "The Bishop's House".

We made a few more trips over the years to Galveston but none were as memorable as the first.
There was the time a crab attached itself to mandy's butt which was sort of appropriate since she is a Cancer.

The few times we took the ferry over to Bolivar Penisula and Crystal Beach because it wasn't as touristy.

After Paul and I were divorced Galveston and Bolivar continued to give me memories with other men I dated.

Jerry and I went fishing a couple of times.Gary took me for a weekend to his sister's beach house on Crystal beach for a weekend.

I regret I didn't get to spend more time there.
As happens anywhere you live you get into a groove of everyday life and those places become less important.

I never spent Mardi Gras on the Island; I didn't take just one day and ignore the beach and spend it just on the Strand.
I never went at the holidays and appreciated " Dickens on the Strand".
I always meant to; there was always another time I could in the back of my mind.

Now, I no longer live there and may never get back to that place at those times.
Galveston may not even exist as I knew it after this weekend.

She wasn't the grand lady she had been before the 1900 hurricane but she was splendid in her own unique way.

I no longer have pictures because another storm robbed me of those but I do have the vision, scent, sound,feel inside my head.

We don't know where this storm may land but we do know the Texas coast and inland for many miles will be altered.

As they say in TX and its worth saying here, God bless Texas.

SSD update

Yesterday,I received in the mail my notice from Social Security explaining my benefits.

They have determined they are declaring me disabled from June 1, 2002 but because of the requirement that once declared the claimant still has to wait 5 months for benefits to start my benefits will be backdated to November, 2002.

Here is the real kicker.
They have determined that my benefits will be $247.00 starting the month of November this year.I will get a partial payment of $168.80 on or about the second Wednesday of the month.

$247.00 a month until I reach retirement age and then I would fall into regular Social Security.

I had been told early on that i could expect a minum of $850.00 so i do not understand what the discrepancy is.The attorney even filed papers to be payed 25%of the amount of the estimated $850.00 month so I know I did not just make this up or dream it.

How does one live on less than $250.00 a month?

I can be very frugal and reduce my needs to next to nothing but there is still the rent, utilities, transportation, medical costs.
I will have to wash my clothes, brush my teeth, wipe my a--, wash my dishes.

Is this how disabled people are treated in this country?

Even if I were to find a way to have free housing and utility assistance the needs are still there.
My actual benefit is would be $325.00 a month but they deduct for the Medicare benefit.
Then to have better coverage I have to get medicare B which still doesn't pay completely for doctor visits or total prescriptions.

I feel like I have been sentenced to a remainder of my lifetime to be at the mercy of the kindness and genorosity of other people.

Where is the margin for dignity to care for oneself or to be self-sufficient?

My present situation is that I don't have worry about a roof over my head or food to eat.
However, the reality of my situation is that there are needs I have that this person can't and shouldn't have to provide.

I am now in a position that I have to have in the back of my mind constantly what will I do if this situation changes here?
I have been in too many situations that at the drop of a hat my life changes because the person I am with changes.

I do not know security.I have never known security.I have only known what I could provide for myself.
When I was able to work I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to help take care of my kids or myself.

I am no longer able to do that and its very frightening.

Is this sometimes the cause why you see people living on the streets or under bridges?
is this why some choose prostitution or illegal activity to be engaged in?

Social Security was concerned because of my past victimization yet they have victimized me also.

I may be physically impaired and have mental illness but I am still a feeling, thinking member of this country.
I am angry. I am in shock and actually in a state of numbness. I am confused. I am scared.
I feel hopeless and am struggling to find the joy in my life.

I started the day in search of my new purpose in life.
I have spent the last 4 years so focused on this and what the difference it would make to me personally.

The " me, persoanlly" has been removed from the equation because all things concerning me now are predicated by someone else.

There are no options.No decisions to be made by me.

So now, I am one of the poorest of the poor.
Not by choice; not because I didn't try to make a better life.
I lived my life productively. I made mistakes throughout the living of my life but little of those mistakes would change the outcome of the situation I am in today.

The mental illness was passed to me genetically. We still don't know the cause of fibromyalgia.
The arthritis and degenarative disc disease I don't think were caused by my parents or siblings, ex-husbands or partners or friends I chose or children I had.

I still believe in my God and I know He hasn't forsaken me.He promised me that.He has been the constant in my life.

I will survive.
I just don't know how.

Happy Birthday

Today is my 53 rd birthday and I am glad to still be around to celebrate.

I have received greetings from my online friends as wells as family.I am amazed am humbled by the kind thoughts and wishes.
Dan's Nanacast at journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com is very touching that he would put so much thought and planning from a simple phone conversation with Keisha.

The song he chose " has anyone seen my gal" was so appropriate for my life.

I have received calls from a couple of new friends as well which was so thoughtful.

I never have made a big deal of my birthday; growing up it wasn't always a pleasant day.After I was married it was never a special day.
So this attention being called to myself is somewhat uncomfortable yet appreciated.

Bob had cards placed around the house with gifts attached that I have discovered throughout the day. He too, was so thoughtful.

The day is overshadowed however by the tragedy unfolding this week in the Gulf Coast and New Orleans in particular.
There are images that we will take to our graves as we do every disaster we witness.
I am traumatized in some ways by reliving my own experience when I flooded and lost everything.
And what I went through was nothing compared to what some of these people suffered this week.

What you don't get from TV is the smell of polluted water, the stench of rotting everything, the smell of death that you can't escape from.The feel of the slimy, oily water filled with human and animal feces rubbing against your skin, the snakes and fire ants balled up floating toward anything they can attach to and if its you -beware.The feel of the force of water straining against you as you try to wade through it when its chest deep and its crushing your lungs.
To try to hold on to a family member because if you let go they will be swept away and die and the dread and guilt that accompanies it.The psche is affected because as a parent you should have prevented your child somehow from being in this peril and you are powerless to change the moment.
You don't hear the eerie silence as death of the area is slowly enveloping the area you once called home. You can't hear the silence of no birds in the air, no dogs barking, no children laughing, no traffic moving.
The silence is deafening.

You don't see, hear, know the thoughts of someone as they are in that desperate situation.You only think you know what they might be thinking.

The TV cannot capture the range of emotions one goes through but the reporters try.
As you are first entering into that situation there is the adreneline rush just to survive it.
In my case leading my family to where I just knew help would be available to find no one was there.
What do you do? You are soaked, you are exhausted,you are shocked but yet you have to plod on.
The desperation and despair kicks in and as a parent you attempt to stay strong, to put on a front you are in control when all around you is out of control.
No, TV does not show you these images because it can't.
I thought I knew before i myself was a victim and my lesson was to learhn i didn't know anything.I could only imagine it until then.


I will never remember reentering my house after 5 days of it being under water and the destruction was unbelievable.
The first words I spoke was " we are one of them now"'.
Thats when the gravity and seriousness hit and the denial was over.We had no home to go home to at that point. We were homeless.
Life as we knew it was over.Everything was gone.
All we were left with was memories.

How blessed was I that I could rebuild and had resources available to me that in a relatively short time I was able to rebuild our lives.Not the one we had but a different one.

There were complications and we ended up in a class action law suit.Out of 10 families we went through the experience together only one couple is still together today and they separated for a year.

But I didn't end up clawing my way out of the attic and waiting on a rooftop for 5 days waiting to be rescued.
I had water to drink and food to eat by the end of the day.
I had the ability to obtain dry clothes.
I did not have family members missing and no way to know if they survived.I was able to use a telephone.
I was white and I lived in suburban America.

If anyone wants to believe there isn't a connection to the poorest of the poor and racism and a political lethargy involved in what happened to those left behind in New Orleans they are badly mistaken.

Was it intentional?/ I don't think so.I think it was white America not being in tune with the horrendous ramifications of the presence and futility of what the majority of impoverished, black America deals with daily.
We turn our heads when something is unpleasant.It takes time for us to warm up to the idea that there is ugliness around us.

History will show that the ones who escaped early had means to do so.Those that were left behind were expendable.
They most likely weren't registered voters; They took from society instead of contiributed and did it for generations.
They may have been socially irresponsible. They may have been fiscally irresponsible.
They were human beings though and that fact wasn't important enough to those who made decisions along the way.

For years New Orleans was known to be in danger of this catastrophe.Less and less money was given for the projects needed to avoid this tragedy.
How many bombs did it take dropped on Iraq that could have paid for a better levee system?

How much more do the troops from that region have to suffer? They are defending their homeland as they wonder about their homes back home and their families.

Had they been on friendly soil doing their everyday jobs they would have been available to call up on short notice to keep order and perform search and rescue.

The human toll is priceless; the dollar toll will be astronomical.

If you think this will go away easily I am here 11 years later reliving my persoanl experience.What about the children from this disaster? What toll is on them that won't surface for years?

I hope everyone contributes in every way possible to the relief effort and beyond.
If there was a cake available for me to blow out candles today my wish would be we learn all the lessons this disaster gives the opportunity to teach.

But for the grace of God there goes I.
My mother used to teach that and I think its very appropriate that I honor her today with the words that were ingrained into me at an early age.
But for the grace of God, there goes I.

Happy Birthday!

This is Margie's son, Dan, temporarily taking over this blog to inform you that Friday, September 2, 2005, is her birthday.

To celebrate, I've posted a podcast at my blog that contains a phone interview between my Mom and my daughter Keisha. Keisha calls my Mom "Nana". Thus the name "NanaCast".

I've included show notes describing the more specific details of what we did during the show. There are a couple of surprises that I didn't mention, however.

In addition to the phone interview, you'll find some great music from independent artists.

Why not head over to hear Mom's birthday present for yourself?

• JIMM Podcast 8 - NanaCast 2 (Happy Birthday) - 050901

ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

"Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time," Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex," a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the "rapex" hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

"He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage," she told reporters in Kleinmond, a small holiday village about 100km (60 miles) east of Cape Town. "I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

[Some] critics say the condom is medieval and barbaric — an accusation Ehlers says should be directed rather at the act of rape.

"This is not about vengeance … but the deed, that is what I hate," she said.

Source: ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

Hell and High Water

We are awaiting the impending arrival of Hurricane Katrina to hit land early tommorow morning and it will ulimately affect a large portion of the country.

The destruction this storm will cause is almost beyond comprehension.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected and especially my family members and friends who live in those regions and will be affected.

Divine Intervention?

A few weeks ago I read the most fascinating article about a family that lives in my area. I wanted to wait to see how the story unfolded before I commented.
Today there was a followup.
After reading the unlikely chances that these sisters would ever find each other you have to believe in Divine Intervention.
Lets keep this family in our prayers that this comes to an uncomplicated and quick resolution.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12300662.htm

todays followup

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12471274.htm

Dan's new adventure

Shamelessly, I, as the official Mom of Dan's blog, Journey Inside My Mind, I encourage everyone to take a peek and listen to his broadcasts.

Dan has aspired to being a radio deejay and now he has this opportunity.

Its hard for me to keep up with the technology but this is really creative.

Actually, I listened to it while reading e-mail and it was like listening to the radio.

He invites all comments from all of you to further improve or add content to his broadcasts.

Nice going Dan.And take the time to listen to the audio blogs with Keisha.When you hear about baby Hannah and baby Kitty they are so cute and entertaining.

Dan's 1st Official Podcast

For those of you who may be interesting in this kind of thing, I've posted the first official podcast of my blog, Journey Inside My Mind. Head on over and check it out! Or not.

scare in San Fransico

Yesterday morning breaking news cut into local programming.

There were substantiated reports of an explosion in the financial district which is also where some of the higher end shopping is located.

Needless to say it was a tense few hours in this area.

People were out on the streets and reporting they felt the buildings shake from as high as the 21st floor in some buildings.
One woman ( a pedestrian) had her clothes catch fire and was rushed off to a local burn center in serious condition.

What struck me as we were able to see footage the news crews could feed us was that although there was great concern everyone was relatively calm.

Apparently, businesses in the area have spent many hours training employees for a situation such as this and everyone responded as they should.Many reported it was frightening and were afarid to walk the stairs in the high rise office buildings but knew this is what they must do in order to reach safety.

Huge kudos to all those companies to put forth the effort the last few years to train their employees to be prepared.

At the same time there was an unsubstantiated claim a suspicios box had been found near or in the Federal Bldg in downtown San Fransisco not far from the explosion.

As it turned out there was an explosion of an electric transformer underground and its impact was so powerful it blew a concete lid many feet into the air and sent up a huge fireball and windows of buildings nearby were blown out.

We are grateful this is all it was and are grateful to know should the worse ever happen here all parties have a plan in place and it works.

One man reported once he heard the explosion he got on the phone to his office in NYC immediately and transferred all calls and work to that office.It took less than a minute and he was evacuating.

I am encouraged that scenes such as this would most likely be played out across the country.
We are a different nation now than we were the morning of 9/11.

Just as the Brits went on about their business after the recent bombings we would go on with the bussiness of operating our country as normally as could be expected.

That is the best way to win over evil.To continue to live your life and not be stopped.

During this time yesterday I was comforted because what i kept hearing in my head was " I am with you and I will not forsake you".

What better reassurance could one have?

domestic violence offender roundup

I read this article in my online version of the Houston chronicle this morning.

I applaud the efforts of all the agencies involved.
These offenders need to be off the streets so the victims can begin the road to healing.The offenders need to be held accountable in every aspect of society; society needs to develop a large intolerance to this issue.

Every one says they hate it; should get the offenders off the street etc.But what happens when it hits your family?
Often, its a different attitude when it hits close to home.Its OK when its someone else's problem; there is such a stigma attached to being a victim of domestic violence issues that its still misunderstood by the general public.

This article states they have been involved in PSA's to educate the population.Long overdue and it needs to become a national effort.

Until there is zero tolerance for domestic violence issues in any form starting in each individual family and reaching out to the communities it is allowed to continue to perpetuate.

Due to the generational components the time is now. Stastically, children growing up witnessing this behavior will become offenders themselves or allow themselves to be victimized.

Society needs to be educated what all forms of abuse are.

Education,information,intervention and incarceration are key components in stopping this.

SSD decision

Yesterday, I went to the mailbox to get the obligatory usual junk mail and was shocked to find a fat envelope from the Social Security Administration.
I wouldn't even open it for awhile because i was so afraid what would be inside it. I just didn't think I could handle bad news.

I had just talked to the attorney's office the day before to see if they had an update. She said Omar (my attorney) had filed his brief to the judge as had been discussed at my hearing, and in fact filed it ahead of scedule and they had even checked on my case a few days before and there was no news.

She said it could take another 60 days to hear back as it went through the review process.I asked what percentage of cases were rejected by the review committe once the judge had approved it. She said all their cases were always approved as far as she knew.
She said not to worry and if they heard anything they would call. She also said "most likely you will hear when we do as they mail each of us the decision at the same time".

So that is why I was confused and worried that I had received something in the mail so quickly and I couldn't call the attorney's office as they were closed. It was Satirday. I in fact did hear before they did which seems a little appropriate to me.

I finally decided to open and read it because even if it was bad news I had to know.

Right there is bold print at the top- Favorable Finding
I couldn't believe it. I mean I really couldn't believe it.
I had waited so lonmg to see those words.

It was one thing to know inside me I had waited 3 years and to tell people - 3 years - but when I saw the date of initial filing it really hit me how long it had been.
June, 2001.

So much has happened since then:

• Historically, it was 3 months before 9/11. That is what grabbed me and put it in context.
• My son was not in the Navy yet. That wouldn't happen until the following January. I don't even think he had talked to the recruiter yet at that point.
• I was not yet 50 years old.
• I was trying yet another reconcilliation with Paul.
• I was working still although it was hard.
• I had what I believed to be "so many friends".
• All my children were speaking to me.
• Going back to Ohio wasn't even a blip on the map.
• I knew nothing about being on the internet; that was for the kids, not me! A blog? Never heard of it.

To think someday my life would have so many twists and turns that I'd end up in a battered women's shelter and eventually Northern CA and see the Golden Gate bridge, Pier 39, Lombard St., the wine country, a major league baseball game 3x's was unthinkable.
Wouldn't even have dreamed it.

I was back then A divorced wife trying one more time to salvage a dead marrige, a devoted Mom and nana to 2 young grandgirls and one granddog named Duke and a grand cat named Anna.

I ws a loyal friend, empoloyee and community activist. I was involved on a volunteer fire department.

I was still trying to rebuild my life from a major flood years before that wiped us out.

I was still searching for answers to my medical situation. I was still believing there would be a magic drug that would be the answer.

I was believing the doctors had my best interests at heart. I was believing I'd always have insurance.

I believed my little part of the world was insulated.

Things sure changed over those 3 years.

Paul continued his wily ways to the point of alienating the entire family for his transgressions. Who would have ever fathomed that He would break up his own son's marriage through an affair with his daughter-in-law?

I had to leave the fire department and they then left my life.

All the so called friends vanished one by one and several even took up with my ex after we were really finally over and relished letting me know.

Others, once I wasn't working and couldn't finance the " good times' vanished as well. Many just didn't want to know or be reminded on a continuing basis I was no longer the active person they once knew.

I became increasingly more isolated as was able to be seduced by the so called caring attitude of a man who would later abuse me to the point I literally had to flee for my life with only the clothes on my back.

Family members abandoned me.

Maybe it was the bubble bursting that I wasn't perfect. What a burden that was to carry around all my life.

Maybe it was the chronic pain they couldn't deal with.

And all the moments of such excruciating, mind altering, life changing pain it has been. I tried to remember my last pain free day and I can no longer remember it.

The times I would be truly bipolar meaning the chemicals were imbalanced, medicine wasn't working or eventually none to take anymore because that option was no longer available to me.

The slippery slope downward and you know its happening but are powerless to change it; you try but you can't. But those around believe you can.

The hauntingly frightening moments that you grab ahold of any part of sanity you can find to get you through telling yourself "this will pass". And pray it does. The times you read your Bible and earnestly pray for forgiveness because you are who you are. The fervent prayers of healing that you claim and never materialize and you wonder if even God has abandoned you.

The times you struggle to make life work for yourself, but there is something in the way that trips you up. The times you wish you could just get a break so you could enjoy the reprieve even if was shortlived.

Then along the way the most miraculous things happened. There would be a someone somewhere who would perform a random act of kindness, and I'd take it as my creator showing me He hadn't forgotten me there was a different plan than the one I had.

The true caring people I have met online who have become such good friends in the truest sense of the word. I'd never had met them had I not been sick.

I've been able to share my knowledge and teach others when they were willing to be educated. And I've encountered those who have shared what they know with me. Don't ever think one person can't make a difference because each one of those "one" persons made a difference to me.

How can I ever communicate what my son Dan and my sister Mary have meant to my life in those 3 years? They were always there accepting me as I was, flawed. Their love and support and encouragement never wavered - not once.

I have 7 other siblings besides Mary; yet the rest for their own reasons have chosen to leave not just my life but my sister's also. It's their loss.

My other children, although I know they love me, do not accept me. They are entitled to feel what they wish. I still love them. They will be so quick to point out, "you always single Dan out as so special". You are damn right I do.

Not because I love him any differently or with more passion than I do the others, but because his qualities about himself shine so brightly they need to be acknowledged. And should any of the other kids ever read this there is a lesson there. You don't have to always agree or approve of me or my actions. You other 3 just forgot the significance of the word "Mother ".

I am truly grateful to God for all my experiences. I have led a terrific and interesting life. I only recently looked back at my life from its begining up to this point, and only then could I appreciate the life God has allowed me to live.

Not all of it was good; in fact a lot of it was horrendous. I've seen more than my share of ruthlessness, backbiting, condemnation, evil, turmoil and strife. However, along the way I have seen some of the most incredible courage, never-failing human spirit, kindnesses that were so silent they were deafening and undying love.

I've seen my country tested through unimaginable horrors. I've seen patriotism restored. I've seen the evidence of insatiable curiosity and wonder. I've been priveleged to see some of the beauty of God's world He created through travel and in meeting people who lived elsewhere, and I was blessed to meet them.

I have known some of the funniest senses of humors and engaged in many interesting and fascinating discussions.

All of it has brought me to this day. This day that I can still say, "guess what, I landed on my feet."