SSD update

Yesterday,I received in the mail my notice from Social Security explaining my benefits.

They have determined they are declaring me disabled from June 1, 2002 but because of the requirement that once declared the claimant still has to wait 5 months for benefits to start my benefits will be backdated to November, 2002.

Here is the real kicker.
They have determined that my benefits will be $247.00 starting the month of November this year.I will get a partial payment of $168.80 on or about the second Wednesday of the month.

$247.00 a month until I reach retirement age and then I would fall into regular Social Security.

I had been told early on that i could expect a minum of $850.00 so i do not understand what the discrepancy is.The attorney even filed papers to be payed 25%of the amount of the estimated $850.00 month so I know I did not just make this up or dream it.

How does one live on less than $250.00 a month?

I can be very frugal and reduce my needs to next to nothing but there is still the rent, utilities, transportation, medical costs.
I will have to wash my clothes, brush my teeth, wipe my a--, wash my dishes.

Is this how disabled people are treated in this country?

Even if I were to find a way to have free housing and utility assistance the needs are still there.
My actual benefit is would be $325.00 a month but they deduct for the Medicare benefit.
Then to have better coverage I have to get medicare B which still doesn't pay completely for doctor visits or total prescriptions.

I feel like I have been sentenced to a remainder of my lifetime to be at the mercy of the kindness and genorosity of other people.

Where is the margin for dignity to care for oneself or to be self-sufficient?

My present situation is that I don't have worry about a roof over my head or food to eat.
However, the reality of my situation is that there are needs I have that this person can't and shouldn't have to provide.

I am now in a position that I have to have in the back of my mind constantly what will I do if this situation changes here?
I have been in too many situations that at the drop of a hat my life changes because the person I am with changes.

I do not know security.I have never known security.I have only known what I could provide for myself.
When I was able to work I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to help take care of my kids or myself.

I am no longer able to do that and its very frightening.

Is this sometimes the cause why you see people living on the streets or under bridges?
is this why some choose prostitution or illegal activity to be engaged in?

Social Security was concerned because of my past victimization yet they have victimized me also.

I may be physically impaired and have mental illness but I am still a feeling, thinking member of this country.
I am angry. I am in shock and actually in a state of numbness. I am confused. I am scared.
I feel hopeless and am struggling to find the joy in my life.

I started the day in search of my new purpose in life.
I have spent the last 4 years so focused on this and what the difference it would make to me personally.

The " me, persoanlly" has been removed from the equation because all things concerning me now are predicated by someone else.

There are no options.No decisions to be made by me.

So now, I am one of the poorest of the poor.
Not by choice; not because I didn't try to make a better life.
I lived my life productively. I made mistakes throughout the living of my life but little of those mistakes would change the outcome of the situation I am in today.

The mental illness was passed to me genetically. We still don't know the cause of fibromyalgia.
The arthritis and degenarative disc disease I don't think were caused by my parents or siblings, ex-husbands or partners or friends I chose or children I had.

I still believe in my God and I know He hasn't forsaken me.He promised me that.He has been the constant in my life.

I will survive.
I just don't know how.