Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Monday was my second biopsy. It was done with more sophisticated equipment than the first time and in attendance were the gyn and an intern, two residents and a nurse. I told them that there was a little more room left maybe they could go find a couple more people to bring in.
I understand its a teaching hospital but could they at least ask if its ok to bring the staff in?
I will know the results of this one in a week to ten days.

If this one comes back abnormal as well then the next step is to take tissue approximately 4 inches wide and two inches long and as deep as needed of each spot.
Then after that it would be a total hysterectomy.

Dr. Wilson said I have artritis in my spine as well as the fibromyalgia.
We finally found a pain clinic that will work with my insurance and I made an appointment today for next Tuesday.
I was supposed to go online to fill out some forms but can't get their site to come up. I am probably doing something wrong.
I'll have to call when I get home.
At least I will be on the path to getting some kind of help in some fashion because I sure have been miserable.
I hate complaining and I know there are people who are worse off than me.
The weather has been crazy this summer.
Today its stormy so I am really feeling it.
The PC still isn't fixed so Dan and I are at the library.
Thank God for the library.
I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have access to the books and now the computer.
We have a lot to be thankful for.
It is 11:45AM and its pitch black out. Of course, the car is parked around the corner.
Isn't that always the way? Do you think either of us brought an umbrella? of couse not. However, as the wind is blowing so hard it really wouldn't have been much use.
And so it goes.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Don't have a lot of time today. Dan and I are at the library and they close in about 10 minutes.
Dan finally got full time hours.
Last week he was sharing with me that he was getting discouraged because his hours were being cut and he was witnessing some things that were shall we call " shady".
The hotel had recently hired a new executive chef that was over the bar operations as well. I suggested he might want to share some of his concerns with the chef in confidence. So he did. And, when he went to work last night he had a full week scheduled and the one guy who was one of the shady people wasn't even on the schedule.
Today, while the bar was slow the chef entrusted Dan with some of the administrative work of running the bar.
He is so happy doing this work.
I am happy for him. He was able to choose this work for himself based on his own personality and needs and not based on what someone else thought he should do.
I always told my kids I didn't care if they were a ditch digger or a garbage collector, be the best you can be and be happy at it.
So that is about it for today.
By the way, I'm happy and proud of you son!

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Hi everybody! I am at the library again racing against time.
I have been a real bipolar lately. The good thing is I know the signs now.
I haven't taken all my meds this week as prescribed because I am so sick of just feeling drugged up.
I take them; just not all as prescribed. Bad, bad, bad.
I have had a lot of anxiety worrying about the damn bioposy and then when will I get the results and when will the next appointment be, etc. I know we all spend time waiting but it isn't right.
meanwhile, they go out for their coctails after work until rush hour is died down; and have softball on Tuesday night, etc. while our lives are held in suspension.

I am just having a bad week I guess.
Oh ye of little faith right now, I suppose.

I was reading Kyle's parents reports of his progress or it may seem to some lack of it. I can really identify with him.
I need organization in my life. If things seem too chatic it is like I just can't process it all.
However, Kyle is of age and has to start establishing his own routines and becoming resposible for his progress or lack thereof, I think.
As far as the military idea, it may be a moot point because if he has a diagnosed mental illness he is probably disqualified.
He will probably be angry to learn this but life isn't always fair. He has to learn this lesson and it really is unfair to those of us with mental illness, I'm afraid. He could channel some of that anger into changing laws or becoming an advocate but I don't think he is far enough along yet.

I wish I could communicate with him. He is so blessed to have a family that suports and loves him just because he is Kyle.
I would love to let him know he isn't alone.
We could share stories of some of the misadventures we have been on.

Being bipolar has its moments. You do some real crazy stuff that makes perfect sense to you at the time. Its only later when you are medicated that you can look back and laugh at yourself.

I heard once that the real definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing expecting the same results.
I think that sums it up.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Dan and I are at the library. We are next to each other but not at the same table which is good. We would probably get in trouble.
The pooter is still sick. I think it died a slow, painful, horrible death that went undiagnosed for awhile.
By the time it was discovered it was too late to fix it.
I'll be glad when we can use the one at home. I hate this time limit thing and the idea that other people can look over your shoulder and watch what you are doing.

I was contacted by the author of " Forgiving Sam". You may remember I commented on it awhile back. It was the book about a boy who wa kidnapped and abused and it told the effects of that abuse on his life and his recollection of it .
It was very provacative. as someone who lived through abuse as a child I found it to be somewhat unnerving at times yet I wanted to continue to see how she unraveled the story. I felt she did justice to the character. she is now creating two more books that will come out in the future. I let you all know as I know.

Keisha is at the stage where she is learning about friendships. You know the one.
It starts when you are 6 and stops when you are somewhere between 45-50!
By that time you don't care anymore what people think!
She rolls her eyes back and does that " oh well; whatever" thing and thinks she is so sophisticated and all that. And I think she thinks she and the girls at school are the ones who discovered this!! Its kind of funny to watch except she gets into trouble.
I hate to see her get into trouble but Dan and Jennie are really good about discipline and bringing Christianity into play with it.
I did my week with that Christian dating service. Of course some of that wek was during the computer down time. I didn't like that it was regional instead of local.
I live in Ohio and I was given men to contact as far away as Minnesota and Kansas.
The secular ones at least keep it local. It was a higher charge also but that wouldn't have been as much as a concern. Christians will pay for something if they feel they get what thay should, right?
So, I am looking into another one. My quest continues.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Friday, August 08, 2003

Hi everybody! I am at the library with not a lot of time to spare. They keep you on a stopwatch here. The computer at home crashed. Pray that it isn't somethingsomething serious as we are without funds to get it fixed or to buy a new one and Dan hasn't saved the info all along on disks as he should have. What can I say;my ADD child with hisADD MOM!
All my single friends will be getting a notice fromChristian it is a Christian dting service I have checked outthis week. It is safe and appeals to the least and most serious Christian and is worlwide.
I do recommend those of you to take a look at it.You have to be single to join although you get a free week to just browse and see what you think.
They don't allow any profanity or such.

On another note Keisha has run the gamut of emotions this week.
She has been grumpy and just delightful.She was so funny and precious Monday. Jennie, she and I went to Dan's new job and she said the prayer before we ate.
" Dear God, Thank you for this food and my Daddy. God, I am so proud of my Daddy and he is so special.In Jesus name I pray. Amen."
How could that not touch the heart of God?

Dan and I have gotten into an Irish kick in our reading. He is reading Angela's Ashes which I read a couple of month's ago. I just got " 'Tis" from the library and also have gotten into some Nora Roberts books based in Ireland. I find meself reeding in the brougue a wee bit ya know!!
I have a bit of the Irish in me and always have had a fascination with the Isle all my life.
I had a friend in Texas who wasfrom there and we were supposed to make a trip back sometime. My friend Orla. She was one of 22 kids. I was able to meet some of them What a hoot. I loved to hear the language and they had English and Scottish friends over all the time. She worked in a lace called " Molly's Pub" owned by an Irishman. So it was authentic including the barbs!

Anyway, got to go. Pray for us and God Bless.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Yesterday, Jennie, Keisha and I were in the car on our way to an outing and out of nowhere Keisha pipes up with " I'm scared to have a baby". Jennie looked at me and I looked at her like where did this come from?
So Jennie started talking to her and then she says, " No, I want my Nana to talk to me". So I saidok and she asked me if it would hurt to have a baby. I thought for a couple of seconds, I'm having a birds and bees talk with my 6 year old grand daughter so I got to get this right.
I answered her" Well Keisha, I wa going to tell you no it didn't hurt but that would be a lie and I never lied to my kids so I'm not going to lie to you. Yes it hurts but its also exciting and you are happy when you are having a baby.
She asked if I hurt when I had her Daddy. So I said yes a little bit; which was the truth. My labor with him was the easiest one I had. Then I said but I was so excited Keisha. I was wondering what my baby was going to be; if was going to be a girl or boy. I wondered what color hair it would have; if it would have a lot of hair or just a little bit. I wondered who it might look like. I wondered what his or her name would be.
She was quiet for a little while. Then she said again, I'm still scared. So Jennie said " well you don't have to think about it now because you are only six and you need to think about things 6 year old girls do.
She said she was scared because the doctor would have to cut your stomach open. Jennie had a ceasearean section with Keisha.
I told her not all the time did the doctor have to do it that way but when she was going to have a baby the doctor would know exactly the right way for her to have her baby. She wanted to know if she could go to sleep for it so I told her that would be one way.
Jennie needed to stop at Walgreen's and pick up a few things and while we were in waiting she started up again.
I decided to try a different method.
I told her there were so many things she needed to do before she could have a baby.
She had to go to college and get her job. She had to have a husband and go on at least two vacations without her Mom and Dad. She had to be able to eat spicy food. She had to be big enough to drive and own a car. She had to be able to drink beer and like it.
She had to be able to get a shot and not cry. She wanted to know if her husband would her hand and i said that would be oK.
I said she would have to have her own house. Dan added after we got home that she would have to get her hair washed without crying!
And then I told her couldn't even have a baby when she was 6. I told her God would know when it was the right time and He would help her know. Then she seemed satisfied. Whew!!!
She is in a stage that since she turned 6 she is big now and all the big girl things are supposed to be happening to her. I keep telling her she is bigger but she is not big.
Last night she told me " Nana, you're the best". I said to her " Thank you Keisha. I think that is the nicest thing someone has said to me in a long time. And you're the best too." She said " I'm the best artist ".
Grandkids are so much fun.

Friday, August 01, 2003

I made a mistake in the previous post. That is why I stopped. I needed to look something up before I went on. I don't have human pappillomavirus; that is one of the things they checked for. I forget what the other two things are.
Good news is the doc just spent a month in rheumatology rotation and is going to be in dermatatology rotation for August.
I thought Rheumatology was August. I have some moles that need to be looked at so she will come in handy for that too.
She also is going to start prescribing my pschychiatric meds.
She is a cool doc. She takes her time and doesn't mind if you ask questions. She encourages the patient to be part of the health care team.
And, if she isn't confident about something she will go get another doc to come in and give an opinion.
I feel very secure with her.
If she recommends something I feel I can trust her judgement that it is necessary and she can trust me that I do not ask for narcotics or am a cry baby.
Its nice to have that kind of working relationship with a doctor.

The doc called today. She reported that neither she nor I had HIV or Hepatitis or Rubella and she apologized for all the calls last Friday night. She was on call so every time I was called she was called.
She said the bioposy results came back and it wasn't altogether good news. They want to do more bioposies. This time it will be done through the ob-gyn clinic instead of the family practice clinic. She said the results were not what they had wanted to see.
They showed human papilloma virus and something else. So some more of hurry up and wait.
I just want it to be over with.