Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Well, I'm back.
A lot has happened since I came back to Texas.
The saying " love is blind" and "there's no fool like an old fool" certainly would pertain to me.
Had i not been so open and honest since I started my blog I would not be able to write with the candor that I will be now.
I appreciate the support of my " special " friends and of course my son now more than ever.
I need your prayers fervently.
I, as of yesterday, have entered a shelter for battered women and families.
Yes, it came down to this.
I was being abused by the " one I loved " since I came back.
It started subtle and escalated.
It became very violent.
I became every bit the stastistic.
I know now it was all classic.
I could not tell the one family member whom I was in contact with because he was unable to help me and another that I contacted very close to where I lived when I was able to escape for a few minutes one day " did not want to get involved".
I had to plan my escape. I went to the clinic Friday and was sent by ambulance to to ER
and it was decided then that I would come to the shelter. For safety and confidentiality concerns I can't divulge what went wrong but I had to return back to what I left.
I went to a mental health clinic Monday and they got me here.
I have gone through all the classic stuff that one could experience.
I am embarrased that " I " would end up in this situation.
I also know there is a God who loves me and has seen me through all the ordeals of my life.
I know without a shadow of doubt He will sustain me through this ordeal and what lies ahead.
I will stay as posted as I am able and update everyone on my process.
It will be interesting because I have no meds available to me and because its the holidays access to them right now is slim to none.
The mental health system in this county is poor without some kind of insurance, even if its public assistance.
So, I will be srarting the paperwork to begin that process.
I hope you all have a terrific holiday.
I will look forward to hearing from all of you again.
Until next time.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Where is she?

This is Dan, Margie's son, here. Regular readers will no doubt feel a bit jealous as I write this. I am able to keep in touch with my mom every day if I wanted to. Oscar has unlimited long distance from his phone, so all I have to do is make a quick call, and then my mom will call me back, and we can talk for an hour if we want to.

It's been over a month since the last post to this blog, so I thought I'd provide an update to the best of my ability. This means that it's going to be presented in a stream of consciousness, "as-thoughts-present-themselves" fashion.

We in Dayton still miss her terribly; Keisha prays for her Nana almost every day.

Mom and Oscar have been trying to get their computer fixed, virus-free, bug-free, etc. There have been some calls between them and me, them and their DSL provider, and so on. I'm happy to help where I can.

The car they'd been using broke down a few weeks ago. They watch Christian television (TBN?), and they no longer have cable.

Mom is glad that she got refills of her medication before she moved back, and I believe she has an appointment with a clinic next month.

I've become more aware of weather systems moving in and out here in Dayton, and I think of how my mom would be feeling if she'd still be living here. I definitely hope that the climate in Texas is better suited to her fibromyalgia and arthritis.

This morning I mentioned on my blog about encouragement. Mom has been a balcony person to me for as long as I can remember. Even though she's over a thousand miles away now, she still encourages me.

So, I don't know when she'll post here again, but I wanted to provide a brief update. What's new with you?

Saturday, October 11, 2003

Oscar is so funny. He is so honest. He had a problem with the computer so his son who is the computer whiz was out here and he was checking the computer. He was having trouble clicking the mouse. He was having to click it really fast and he couldn't do it fast enough. Finally, he noticed that it was set on high. He changed it and got it to work and proceed to diagnose and fix what was wrong. He was telling us about this mouse thing.
Oscar spoke up and said I did it. I figured since I changed to high speed DSL and the computer wasn't working I needed a high speed mouse!
I know you all would get a kick out of that.
Everything here is going well.
My health is good. I've been able to get out and take 4 short walks. The fibromyalgia symptoms are less intense howevder the arthritis in the spine is the same.
Oscar makes sure I take my meds as I am supposed to.
We are both bipolar so it can get interesting.
He is recovering from knee surgery and this morning we took a walk together.
He will still eventually have to have the knee replacement but he wants to hold off as long as he can.
I won't be blogging as much as I was. I'm not on the computer like I was.
I am busy trying to reaquaint with my man and he with me and we stay busy.
We are both rediscovering our spirituality that was somewhat lost without each other.
We really do love each other.
Keep us in your prayers.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Hi eveyone; I made it to Texas. It was kind of an eventful trip. I met some Christian ladies on various parts of the trip.
traveling by Greyhound wasn't the best exprience. Some of the personnel were rude. One driver pretty mich said don't ask him any questions because he wasnt going to answer them.
They lost one box in Louisville; I later in the wek found out it was in Mephis, which wasn't in my iternirary. I haven't been called that it's in Conroe yet.
we were about 45 minutes into Texas and the driver was chased down lights and siren bu DPS and pulled over. Greyhound had her stopped to turn around and go back to pick up 2 pasengers in Texarkana.
That made the whole trip late the rest of the day. I arrived almost 2 hours late.
My fibromyalgia hasn't been as bad so far since I have been here. It is still in the 80's during the day.
Oscar and I are adjusting to each other. He doesn't understand the use of the computer as we use it so I won't be on it as much.
Just wanted to check in and let everyone know I am OK.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Well, this is my last day in Ohio. I leave tomorrow to return to Texas where I spent the majority of my adult life.
I will miss my family here. It has been great to share to their life and to be part of my granddaughter's life. I hope she will remember me and that we will visit regularly.

It was good to see the siblings this summer and to share the time I was able to with my special sister. She came up yesterday with her new daughter, and DJ and Keisha spent the afternoon playing. Only a couple of disagreements; for 6 year old girls that wasn't bad.

My sister really has her hands full with DJ. She came with a lot of emotional baggage from her past. Its sad to think what people will do to children even before birth. My sister is making progress. She has earned her place in heaven. DJ finally calls her Mommy now; that's encouraging. Its really neat how DJ and Keisha hit it off from the instant they met.

I think about returning to Texas and its strange. I will not be returning to the life I left which is liberating. I learned a lot in this time I was away. I discovered that the people I counted as friends were not. And, I had to admit I was a bad judge of character.

I will be renewing my friendship with Oscar, and that I am excited about. He is the one who stayed in touch, encouraged me, kicked me in the behind when I needed it, cried with me, and prayed with me. Its ironic that I had to go away to learn that he was the true friend.

I will be returning to a new place, which is good. No old memories. I will have to start over with health care which is a little daunting. The climate will be better suited for my fibromyalgia. The symptoms will not disappear but may be muted.
I just don't think I could have endured another harsh winter.

So, I'll be in touch when I get settled. keep me in prayer.

Friday, September 19, 2003

I read with great interest the bipolar support blog that is indexed with my blog.
What a terrible turmoil this family faces.
I remember when it all came to a head for me. I had just 3 days prior given my youngest daughter the wedding of her dreams with no help. I had enlisred help but those I asked did not come forward to help. An example was the ceremony was to be at 10:30 AM. At 6 AM I was at the location doing the tasks the groom and his groomsmen were to do the night before.They even spent the night there to get this stuff done and then didn't do it. They decided to get drunk instead.
At 10:10 I was driving back down the street to my condo to get dressed. The mother of the bride wore no makeup or jewelry; did not have a shower and her hair was not fixed.
The father of the bride's " friend " who was also supposed to be my friend was on time and beautifully put together. She was one of the ones I enlisted to help and didn't.
I had her shower of 50+ people in my one bedroom condo 2 days before.We had people stuffed everywhere. Outside up the steps, down the walk,out in the parking lot, etc. She wanted a couples shower and her older sister was supposed to be giving it and all I was supposed to have to do was provide the place. Wrong. The sister didn't even show up until 30 minutes after it was supposed to start and then somehow it was my fault that it fell into disarray.
I gave the rehearsal dinner at a Tex-Mex place we ate at for years. The grooms family was from out of town and suggested I pick a place that could accomodate everyone. There was something for everyone on the menu and there was beer and margaritas for those that wanted alcohol.
We took up the whole back room. I had relatives from out of town come in but barely had time to visit.
The grooms family didn't pay the bill so I did and was glad I could.
When my daughter was getting ready ro say her vows I reached for my husband's hand and he shook it off.
We had been separated but reconciled 4 months before at his request.
Then 3 days after the wedding he informed me he was leaving me for this other woman and had played with me to get through the wedding.
I attempted suicide. I was serious. I was calm. I didn't tell him what I did. I can only remember thinking that I just wanted the pain to stop.
Its kind of comical but I found out when he realized what I had done ( after I went unconscious) he actually got into his car and drove to Walgreens and waited for the pharmacist to help him find syrup of ipetac and then came home and administered it to me.
He was a trained EMT and should have known you don't induce vomiting on an unconscious person. Well, it didn't work and he had to break down and call 911 an hour and 11 minutes after I ingested the pills. He had wanted to avoid that because we were both affiliate with the fire department and he didn't want a " scandal".
After I was moved to the nut house he and the kids and new son-in-law came to see me once and the first thing he said was "did I know it was 55 miles one way to this place"?
I answered him " no, I sure didn't as I was my view was restricted to seeing where I'd been from the back doors of an ambulance however, I was just fine, thank you for asking."
I was such an embarrasment to them. Still am.
So for me to see that Kyle's family supports him is so refreshing.
Actually, at the nut house I met Oscar and we have now lnown each other 4 years. Its been up and down and in between. He saved my life.
I love him in a way I don't love anyway else in the world.
He'll say I'm crazy and I always remind him where he met me. It isn't that I tried to keep it a secret.
That time began the period I call the journey into my new life. I finally was diagnosed correctly. I began a 3 year journey into learning about what wrong meds can do to me and how uncaring some in the mental health profession don't always have our best interest at heart but their own.
I saw my family for who they were and not how I wanted them to be and accepted it.
I accepted all that was wrong with me.
I began to understand me.
I began my road back to sanity.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

I haven't been on the " pooter " for awhile. I think I went through a bad flare up. For a few days I thought I had a bad case of the flu until I realized that fibromyalgia is like the flu. Duh.
I hurt from the top of my head to the joints in my toes and literally everywhere in between.
I had the gastrointestintenal stuf; blah, blah, blah.
I read my sister's comment about my nephew going away to war. God, I know how she aches.
It is such a poignant moment for a parent and maybe a mother in particular.
Its ironic. When we were young I tried protecting my siblings from harm however there was no way to prepare her for this.
Its just an anguish each of has to go through ourselves.
There is so much more to write about but I don't have the energy right now.
Thanks for all who have stayed in touch.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Today is the 2 year anniversary of 9/11. It is a day that all Americans will remember the rest of their lives.
We will always remember where we were, what we were doing, who we were with when we found out our way of life had changed forever.
I want to salute every service person who is out there somewhere in the world defending our freedom. I have the utmost gratitude and respect. And, I also wish to salute any service person who has ever worn the uniform to defend our freedom.
What can I say to the countless families whose family member gave the ultimate sacrifice?
It seems so hollow to say I am eternally grateful and humbled by their sacrifice and am in their debt. Thank you.
To my son, PJ, Paul I respect you for your choice and service.
I know only too well what it took to wear that uniform. I will always remember the choices you made along the way from the little boy to the teenager to the young man and the personal growth along the way.
I have loved you since before you were born and have only continued to love you along your journey to becoming a man in the truest sense.
Our relationship hasn't always been easy but its been worth it to me.
You were a gift to me and I treasure every day I am allowed to be your mother.
I have made mistakes but I've always loved you from the deepest part of my heart.
I remember the day you made the commitment to join the Navy and the grueling 2 hour exam I put the recruiter through.
And, I remember 2 years ago today when the reality and significance of YOU wearing the uniform hit me.
I had to go in and wake you up and tell you what was unfolding and that maybe you needed to call the recruiter to see if this meant you were going to have to leave sooner than planned.
As your MOm I wanted to take in my room and hide and keep you safe. As an American I knew I had to let you go.
The last time I saw you you were leaving to join your ship off of Afganistan.
Standing in the driveway as we were saying goodbye I put you in God's hands one more time and haven't looked back.
And God rewarded me by placing you on ship with one of the suppliers to Marisabel's son who was in communications and I got to keep up with what was going on every week.
That was a true blessing.
I am so proud of you son. I am proud of all the accomplishments you have made to get where you are today.
We will never see eye to eye to on certain things and I will piss you off the rest of your life and I will wish you communicated with me more and that is just how it is.
We have always had that kind of relationship so there is no sense wishing it were different
because you are you and I am me.
I appreciate that you are you.
Just know that today I am thinking of you as I do everday and include you in my prayers.
I salute you.

Monday, September 08, 2003

I just finished another book that I thought was very funny.
The name of it is The Second Coming of Lucy Hatch by Marsha Moyer.
She is a Texas writer and this is her first book. Even the spelling of Marsha is kinda Texan.
Having lived in East Texas for 22 years I could identify with this character and some of her escapades.
Basically, the main character suddenly becomes a widow at 33 years old having been a farmer's wife for 14 years. She moves back home and within a short time " circumstances " have her meeting up with a cowboy/ singer/handyman who changes her life.
There are some really funny moments like in Chapter 8 where she and this character have a conversation about " Jesus, the middle years ".
If you have any kind of sense of humor you will find this part so funny. There are so many other moments too.
I look forward to reading any other books she will produce in the future.
I could picture this as a Lifetime movie with Leslie Anne Warren cast as Lucy.
Or in the old days it would have been Dolly Parton and Burt reynolds.

Yesterday, I had the uncanniest thing happen. I was watching a show on PBS about railroads ( I think I was a conductor in another lifetime! ). It was showing the impact the railroads had on the WW11 effort. There was some footage of 3 sailors outside a railcar and one was on the top step smoking a cigarette.
It was more or less a side profile but did show part of his face. I would swear it was my Dad. Do you know how weird that was?
It looked just like he did in his Navy picture. I wasn't born then and by the time I was born and have recollection of him he already had put on a considerable amount of weight.
I never knew him as a thin man. I never saw him thin until he was in his casket. No one had warned me as to how much weight he had lost.
My Dad always looked like he was 9 months pregnant with quintuplets. There was barely enough room for him to sit in his seat and drive; the steering wheel would rub his belly. And it was hard as a rock.
He will be gone 10 years in January.
Seeing that footage for those seconds just brought back so many memories.
How many of us watch these old documentaries and see the people in them but don't associate them with other people?
I remember hearing a lot of the famous photos from the war and after the people were never identified. No one knew the pictures would end up as being historic.
Now I have a son in the Navy. My Dad's profession was a firefighter. My son wants to be a firefighter when he gets out.
He is skinny as a rail. When he got out of basic training he had " bulked up" from 119 lbs to 131!!
I haven't seen him since a year last June so he may have put on a little more. He will be 23 in November.
Of course with the world situation I worry about his welfare but also have put him in God's hands and trust in that.
He serves on the JFK, an aircraft carrier.
As we tell Keisha its a really big boat.
Speaking of JFK I was reading in the online Houston Chronicle that there is going to be another book out about Jackie Kennedy. This one is going to deal with her depression after the assassination. At first I was surprised to learn that she suffered from depression because my image of her from that time period was from the perspective of a 12 year old girl watching this tremendously courageous and stoic mother and wife go through her grief as an example to the country.
She became the benchmark my Dad would always use to rein in our emotions after that. " Be like the Kennedy's".
Now, suffering from my own depressive issues Why am I surprised to learn she suffered from depression?
I would be more concerned had she not.
It reminds me of when I ended up in the nut house after my suicide attempt before being diagnosed as bipolar. All the professionals said to me, " we aren't surprised you are here. What we are surprised at is what took you so long"?
I could well identify with the charecteristics that were given in this article.
I am so grateful that someone has decided to publish her account so more attention will be given to the subject.
I've always said, " until people like me try to educate people like them society will always look at mental illness as it does".

Sunday, September 07, 2003

There won't be a lot today. My back is still not feeling too good.
Today is my oldest niece's birthday. I was 9 years old when she was born. She was a cutie. She was way overdue as were all my sister's kids.
After she came home from the hospital my brother-in-law wanted to go fishing and my sister went with him and I babysat. They lived about 8 blocks from my Mom's house.
I remember changing Laura's diaper and realizing she was peeling all over and thinking she was dying. I panicked and grabbed her up and ran across the street through some woods and through a park to my Mom's house screaming " I've killed her".
That's when my Mom somewhat explained about overdue babies peeling.
I thought for sure I had killed that baby. I wouldn't let her out of my sight. I still picture it plain as can be.
Back then one didn't use the word " pregnant". Patsy was always "expecting " something. Every year she was expecting.
It wasn't until I was having Dan that I finally figured out what it was she was expecting all those years.
She had 7 kids in I think it was 9-10 years. She eventually had the 8th when she was 40. My sister has always been a little eccentric but I love her dearly all the same.
When I saw her this summer I was surprised at good she looked. I never knew her to look so slim. She and I look similar so maybe there is hope for me when I get into my 60's!!
She has done remarkably well with her life and it wasn't easy. She had a lot of hardships along the way; the main one being an alcoholic, abusivise husband.
When I read Angela's Ashes I thought a lot of my sister and her life. It wasn't exactly the same but similar in a lot of degrees.
She really suffered in many ways.
She would probably think it amazing that I look up to her but I do.

Jennie passed her STNA exam this past week. We are very proud of her. By the way it stands for State Tested Nursing Assistant.
She got a 92. She finished it in half the alloted time.

I heard from my youngest daughter this past week. Those of you who wonder if prayer works don't ever doubt it.
I have waited a year to hear anything from her.
She says we will never be what we once were but as an adult she wants to move on.
Glory to God.
I would send her E-mails and E-cards frequently and let her know I was thinking of her.
Now, I pray for her salvation. That is the true gift.
She is such a joy. I wish all of you could see her smile. She was born with it.
So, never give up.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

I had the appointment with the pain doc. He assessed that I did have fibromyalgia; also spurs on my vertebrea on my spine and something going on with the sychiatic (sp?). He precribed pain patches - 3 to be worn 12 hours a day, a newer muscle relaxer and an older anti-depressant that helps with pain manegement. I then had to go back in Thursday for a shot in my lower spine.
That was painful.
They have to numb the area first which gives you a heads up of what is coming. They are using some kind of X-ray equipment as they are going along. He knows when he hits the right spot because it is very painful. I don't know what the point of numbing you first is. It felt like the size of my fist clenching and on fire and you are supposed to be as calm as you can.
He said I did good.
The site still hurts today. I was told it can get worse before it gets better. I am not complaining just trying to be accurate.
I may not continue with the anti-depressant because I am way too groggy. It is a feeling of being on Valium.
I do not like the heavily sedated feeling some of these meds give me.
I go back in 3 weeks for a follow up visit and we will see if I need another shot.
If these methods do not work there is an alternative; they can cut the nerve endings so I don't feel anything. It is drastic but I may have to do it.

The house sold so we will be moving. I feel bad because in my present state I won't be a lot of help. Maybe by then I will feel a little better and can do more.
I have spent pretty much time since Thursday in bed. I hate being useless.
Its hard when you were the one who was the go-getter person. Inside me I still want to be that person. I've had to recognize I may never be her again and make the adjustments.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

I'm back!
We haven't been to the library for awhile so i haven't been on the computer for awhile.
Thanks for the messages from my buddies about the biopsy. I still haven't heard back yet. I hope to know later this week.
I go to the pain specialist for the first time today finally. dan is taking me. They say I have to bring someone with me; I don't know what that means as far as treatments but it sounds a little foreboding.
I don't care; I just want some relief. I cannot even remember a pain free day. I can remember even being a kid and experiencing pain as early as 7-8 years old.
I am 51 today; that's a long time to feel this way.
I don't make a big deal of my birthday.
When I was growing up my Dad would tell the story every year of my birth.
I always called it " the gospel of my birth according to St. Charles."
those who grew up Catholic will understand my sardonic humor in that.
Short version- I was premature; they think maybe a month. I had my fingernails and toenails so maybe I was 8 months.
My Dad was a firefighter. My Mom went into labor late at night and to call my Dad home from the firehouse. He didn't own a car and there were no buses running of course so he had to borrrow a car to come get her.
When they got to the hospital the doors were locked. The nurse that had to let them in hollered at my Mom for " waiting until the last minute" and that upset her. (You didn't upset my Mom)
I required a pediatrician which they hadn't planned on. The expense was great for them.
I had to baptized quickly because they thought I might die.
at 3 days old they had left me with my mother and she had fallen asleep and I had turned blue when they found me. I had to be resucitated. That scared the hell out of both of them.
My mother's first baby was stillborn and even though she had 9 live births following that she never got over the loss.
I'm quite sure The experience with me recalled all that emotion. However, in our family it was never discussed. ( It might upset my Mom )
They said I could fit in a shoe box but I don't know what size shoe.
My grandmother had to knit me clothes because regular baby clothes were too big.
And I was born on the first day of school that year so my oldest sister had to get the siblings ready for school as well as herself.
She was 11 years older than me. I always looked up to her and regretted my whole life we only had a small period of time that we actually got to share being sisters.
She is still alive. My family is such that we aren't close; not by a long shot.
Anyway, The story was always told in such a way that I was reminded as to what an inconvenience I was.
My one brother told me once when it was announced that I was on the way " it meant more of nothing". That was the sentiment.
So My birthday always signified the reminder of my inconvenience; the end of summer; school starting; fall coming and cold weather and hurting.
I hate to sound so whiny and bleak.
I turned it all around for my kids and tried to celebrate the joy of them being a gift to me.
I hope they all know how precious they are to me.
Had I not had the life I did I might not have appreciated them for who they are.
So all things seem to come full circle don't they?

We are supposed to pick up the The PC from the Computer Doctor today so I hope to be able to write more in the future.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Monday was my second biopsy. It was done with more sophisticated equipment than the first time and in attendance were the gyn and an intern, two residents and a nurse. I told them that there was a little more room left maybe they could go find a couple more people to bring in.
I understand its a teaching hospital but could they at least ask if its ok to bring the staff in?
I will know the results of this one in a week to ten days.

If this one comes back abnormal as well then the next step is to take tissue approximately 4 inches wide and two inches long and as deep as needed of each spot.
Then after that it would be a total hysterectomy.

Dr. Wilson said I have artritis in my spine as well as the fibromyalgia.
We finally found a pain clinic that will work with my insurance and I made an appointment today for next Tuesday.
I was supposed to go online to fill out some forms but can't get their site to come up. I am probably doing something wrong.
I'll have to call when I get home.
At least I will be on the path to getting some kind of help in some fashion because I sure have been miserable.
I hate complaining and I know there are people who are worse off than me.
The weather has been crazy this summer.
Today its stormy so I am really feeling it.
The PC still isn't fixed so Dan and I are at the library.
Thank God for the library.
I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have access to the books and now the computer.
We have a lot to be thankful for.
It is 11:45AM and its pitch black out. Of course, the car is parked around the corner.
Isn't that always the way? Do you think either of us brought an umbrella? of couse not. However, as the wind is blowing so hard it really wouldn't have been much use.
And so it goes.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Don't have a lot of time today. Dan and I are at the library and they close in about 10 minutes.
Dan finally got full time hours.
Last week he was sharing with me that he was getting discouraged because his hours were being cut and he was witnessing some things that were shall we call " shady".
The hotel had recently hired a new executive chef that was over the bar operations as well. I suggested he might want to share some of his concerns with the chef in confidence. So he did. And, when he went to work last night he had a full week scheduled and the one guy who was one of the shady people wasn't even on the schedule.
Today, while the bar was slow the chef entrusted Dan with some of the administrative work of running the bar.
He is so happy doing this work.
I am happy for him. He was able to choose this work for himself based on his own personality and needs and not based on what someone else thought he should do.
I always told my kids I didn't care if they were a ditch digger or a garbage collector, be the best you can be and be happy at it.
So that is about it for today.
By the way, I'm happy and proud of you son!

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Hi everybody! I am at the library again racing against time.
I have been a real bipolar lately. The good thing is I know the signs now.
I haven't taken all my meds this week as prescribed because I am so sick of just feeling drugged up.
I take them; just not all as prescribed. Bad, bad, bad.
I have had a lot of anxiety worrying about the damn bioposy and then when will I get the results and when will the next appointment be, etc. I know we all spend time waiting but it isn't right.
meanwhile, they go out for their coctails after work until rush hour is died down; and have softball on Tuesday night, etc. while our lives are held in suspension.

I am just having a bad week I guess.
Oh ye of little faith right now, I suppose.

I was reading Kyle's parents reports of his progress or it may seem to some lack of it. I can really identify with him.
I need organization in my life. If things seem too chatic it is like I just can't process it all.
However, Kyle is of age and has to start establishing his own routines and becoming resposible for his progress or lack thereof, I think.
As far as the military idea, it may be a moot point because if he has a diagnosed mental illness he is probably disqualified.
He will probably be angry to learn this but life isn't always fair. He has to learn this lesson and it really is unfair to those of us with mental illness, I'm afraid. He could channel some of that anger into changing laws or becoming an advocate but I don't think he is far enough along yet.

I wish I could communicate with him. He is so blessed to have a family that suports and loves him just because he is Kyle.
I would love to let him know he isn't alone.
We could share stories of some of the misadventures we have been on.

Being bipolar has its moments. You do some real crazy stuff that makes perfect sense to you at the time. Its only later when you are medicated that you can look back and laugh at yourself.

I heard once that the real definition of insanity was continuing to do the same thing expecting the same results.
I think that sums it up.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Dan and I are at the library. We are next to each other but not at the same table which is good. We would probably get in trouble.
The pooter is still sick. I think it died a slow, painful, horrible death that went undiagnosed for awhile.
By the time it was discovered it was too late to fix it.
I'll be glad when we can use the one at home. I hate this time limit thing and the idea that other people can look over your shoulder and watch what you are doing.

I was contacted by the author of " Forgiving Sam". You may remember I commented on it awhile back. It was the book about a boy who wa kidnapped and abused and it told the effects of that abuse on his life and his recollection of it .
It was very provacative. as someone who lived through abuse as a child I found it to be somewhat unnerving at times yet I wanted to continue to see how she unraveled the story. I felt she did justice to the character. she is now creating two more books that will come out in the future. I let you all know as I know.

Keisha is at the stage where she is learning about friendships. You know the one.
It starts when you are 6 and stops when you are somewhere between 45-50!
By that time you don't care anymore what people think!
She rolls her eyes back and does that " oh well; whatever" thing and thinks she is so sophisticated and all that. And I think she thinks she and the girls at school are the ones who discovered this!! Its kind of funny to watch except she gets into trouble.
I hate to see her get into trouble but Dan and Jennie are really good about discipline and bringing Christianity into play with it.
I did my week with that Christian dating service. Of course some of that wek was during the computer down time. I didn't like that it was regional instead of local.
I live in Ohio and I was given men to contact as far away as Minnesota and Kansas.
The secular ones at least keep it local. It was a higher charge also but that wouldn't have been as much as a concern. Christians will pay for something if they feel they get what thay should, right?
So, I am looking into another one. My quest continues.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Friday, August 08, 2003

Hi everybody! I am at the library with not a lot of time to spare. They keep you on a stopwatch here. The computer at home crashed. Pray that it isn't somethingsomething serious as we are without funds to get it fixed or to buy a new one and Dan hasn't saved the info all along on disks as he should have. What can I say;my ADD child with hisADD MOM!
All my single friends will be getting a notice fromChristian Cafe.com it is a Christian dting service I have checked outthis week. It is safe and appeals to the least and most serious Christian and is worlwide.
I do recommend those of you to take a look at it.You have to be single to join although you get a free week to just browse and see what you think.
They don't allow any profanity or such.

On another note Keisha has run the gamut of emotions this week.
She has been grumpy and just delightful.She was so funny and precious Monday. Jennie, she and I went to Dan's new job and she said the prayer before we ate.
" Dear God, Thank you for this food and my Daddy. God, I am so proud of my Daddy and he is so special.In Jesus name I pray. Amen."
How could that not touch the heart of God?

Dan and I have gotten into an Irish kick in our reading. He is reading Angela's Ashes which I read a couple of month's ago. I just got " 'Tis" from the library and also have gotten into some Nora Roberts books based in Ireland. I find meself reeding in the brougue a wee bit ya know!!
I have a bit of the Irish in me and always have had a fascination with the Isle all my life.
I had a friend in Texas who wasfrom there and we were supposed to make a trip back sometime. My friend Orla. She was one of 22 kids. I was able to meet some of them What a hoot. I loved to hear the language and they had English and Scottish friends over all the time. She worked in a lace called " Molly's Pub" owned by an Irishman. So it was authentic including the barbs!

Anyway, got to go. Pray for us and God Bless.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Yesterday, Jennie, Keisha and I were in the car on our way to an outing and out of nowhere Keisha pipes up with " I'm scared to have a baby". Jennie looked at me and I looked at her like where did this come from?
So Jennie started talking to her and then she says, " No, I want my Nana to talk to me". So I saidok and she asked me if it would hurt to have a baby. I thought for a couple of seconds, I'm having a birds and bees talk with my 6 year old grand daughter so I got to get this right.
I answered her" Well Keisha, I wa going to tell you no it didn't hurt but that would be a lie and I never lied to my kids so I'm not going to lie to you. Yes it hurts but its also exciting and you are happy when you are having a baby.
She asked if I hurt when I had her Daddy. So I said yes a little bit; which was the truth. My labor with him was the easiest one I had. Then I said but I was so excited Keisha. I was wondering what my baby was going to be; if was going to be a girl or boy. I wondered what color hair it would have; if it would have a lot of hair or just a little bit. I wondered who it might look like. I wondered what his or her name would be.
She was quiet for a little while. Then she said again, I'm still scared. So Jennie said " well you don't have to think about it now because you are only six and you need to think about things 6 year old girls do.
She said she was scared because the doctor would have to cut your stomach open. Jennie had a ceasearean section with Keisha.
I told her not all the time did the doctor have to do it that way but when she was going to have a baby the doctor would know exactly the right way for her to have her baby. She wanted to know if she could go to sleep for it so I told her that would be one way.
Jennie needed to stop at Walgreen's and pick up a few things and while we were in waiting she started up again.
I decided to try a different method.
I told her there were so many things she needed to do before she could have a baby.
She had to go to college and get her job. She had to have a husband and go on at least two vacations without her Mom and Dad. She had to be able to eat spicy food. She had to be big enough to drive and own a car. She had to be able to drink beer and like it.
She had to be able to get a shot and not cry. She wanted to know if her husband would her hand and i said that would be oK.
I said she would have to have her own house. Dan added after we got home that she would have to get her hair washed without crying!
And then I told her couldn't even have a baby when she was 6. I told her God would know when it was the right time and He would help her know. Then she seemed satisfied. Whew!!!
She is in a stage that since she turned 6 she is big now and all the big girl things are supposed to be happening to her. I keep telling her she is bigger but she is not big.
Last night she told me " Nana, you're the best". I said to her " Thank you Keisha. I think that is the nicest thing someone has said to me in a long time. And you're the best too." She said " I'm the best artist ".
Grandkids are so much fun.

Friday, August 01, 2003

I made a mistake in the previous post. That is why I stopped. I needed to look something up before I went on. I don't have human pappillomavirus; that is one of the things they checked for. I forget what the other two things are.
Good news is the doc just spent a month in rheumatology rotation and is going to be in dermatatology rotation for August.
I thought Rheumatology was August. I have some moles that need to be looked at so she will come in handy for that too.
She also is going to start prescribing my pschychiatric meds.
She is a cool doc. She takes her time and doesn't mind if you ask questions. She encourages the patient to be part of the health care team.
And, if she isn't confident about something she will go get another doc to come in and give an opinion.
I feel very secure with her.
If she recommends something I feel I can trust her judgement that it is necessary and she can trust me that I do not ask for narcotics or am a cry baby.
Its nice to have that kind of working relationship with a doctor.

The doc called today. She reported that neither she nor I had HIV or Hepatitis or Rubella and she apologized for all the calls last Friday night. She was on call so every time I was called she was called.
She said the bioposy results came back and it wasn't altogether good news. They want to do more bioposies. This time it will be done through the ob-gyn clinic instead of the family practice clinic. She said the results were not what they had wanted to see.
They showed human papilloma virus and something else. So some more of hurry up and wait.
I just want it to be over with.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Dan pointed out to me that my comment about John in the pink Barbie convertible might have sounded racist. I did not intend it to be that way. My sense of humor sometimes can be a little rough. If I offended anyone I apologize. I often end up with my foot in my mouth and wonder how it got there.

I came across this neat site today. At least neat for me. It is www.lorettalynn.com I really love her. She embodies everything I love about women of country music. And, maybe I am dating myself but I don't care. I was able to hear her song " God Bless America Again " on this site. I think she is great because she took what she had and made something out of it.
I remember years and years ago I sold Tupperware and it was the end of the year here in Ohio. We were given an incentive to book " X " # of parties for the first week of January and if we did we would win this certain bowl that would never be sold and we got to keep all the money we earned!
Well, I met the challenge. I was the only one stupid enough to do it. I went out in snow and ice and extreme cold and held those parties. But the amazing thing was The hostesses didn't bail on me and the guests showed up.
I remember my manager saying to me She didn't think anyone would be stupid enough to do it. I answered her, " As Loretta Lynn would say, I hope I'm never smart enough to be stupid enough to listen to you".
A few years later I was pregnant with my 4th child having a very complicated pregnancy. I had won a trip to Headquarters for the annual convention. I was supposed to be on bedrest without bathroom priveledges. Well, as we had 2 nurses in our group, one being an Ob-Gyn nurse, I decided to go. After all, I had earned it. So, PJ and I went on a 300 mile trip to Massuchetts and Canadian Niagara Falls on a Traiways bus. Wasn't one of the smarter things I've done and unfortunately there is more in that column than there is the smart column.
We made it back in 6 days and I ended up being OK but I'd never do it again. However, I enjoyed my trip immensely. My youngest daughter decided to walk the day after I left. She was 13 months old. And, my husband reported we had an earthquake. I didn't believe him. Who ever heard of an earthquake in Cincinnati, Ohio? It turns out there is a fault from Maysville KY up into Ohio.
Anyway, part of the reason I earned that trip was they had a contest that for a 24 hour period you were supposed to book a party an hour. I called everyone I knew and surprising enough people got into the spirit and booked first for the middle of the night time periods. I think I forgot to say I was selling Stanley Home Products at that time.
I like to say I've sold everything but my body and that is because I know I wouldn't have made any money off it! All those quarters would have been heavy to carry around!
So, there again, I was too stupid to be smart enough to fail.

I was thinking of Dan this morning. Those who follow his blogs know he is ADD and suffers from depression.
I suffer from guiilt sometimes because I know I am partly resposible for the genetic predisposition to these disorders. He does also have the genes passed from his father's side too.
The poor kid he really got screwed. He deserved a much better mother than he ended up with.
I was 17 full of " spit and vinegar " and a lot of love; maybe a little common sense, which was good because his Dad had none. His Dad was extremely bright when it came to books and college stuff but I was street smart.
We didn't have two nickels to rub together. His Dad was a co-op student. I remember we bought his crib from a furniture store showroom that was discontinued as a last years model. How do cribs change from one year to the next?
Then we saved up and bought 2 dozen diapers, a set odiaper pins and 2 pair of rubber pants. My sister gave us a few receiving blankets and a big baby blanket. We got 2 sleeper pajamas. We were set.
We were proud parents. You would have thought he wa the only child ever born. My Dad once said his birth was akin to the second coming!
So, here he was with this mother who had nothing to offer but a whole lot of love.
I was so dumb back then.
When I was in the labor room and this was in the days when Dad's didn't play the active role they do now, I was asked if my baby was a boy did I want him circumcised? I didn't know what that was. I remembered they did it to Jesus and if it was good enough for Him it was good enough for my son. True story. After he was born when his Dad came down the hall to wait with me out in hall while they were doing it he explained what it was and I heard his little voice screaming I felt so awful but I figured it was his first lesson in sucking it up.
Then when I brought him home I was cleaning the area with vaseline and I guess I rubbed too hard and it caused him to bleed a little. I cried for the longest time because I knew I had sterilized him. I was so ashamed I didn't even tell his Dad for about a year. Then his Dad told me that isn't exactly how it works.
I was such a woman of the world at 17!
When he was about 3-4 months old we moved to a bigger apartment. # rooms instead of 2! And hardwood floors instead of linelouem. We were moving up.
There was a store across the railroad tracks I would go to. So I put Dan into his " punkin seat" and put it down into the stroller and it didn't have a tie thing anymore as I got it used so I used a peice of clothesline and tied the seat into the stroller.
Going across the railroad tracks I tilted the stroller back and sure'nuff, Dan came sliding out and fell out. Luckily, his head landed on my feet. I grabbed him up and was crying. I felt so awful. So from then on I used the stroller to transport groceries but not my son.
He had chronic ear infections. He stayed on antibiotics. In order for his Dad to get sleep I would pack him into his car seat and drive around for hours until he fell asleep. I had no license. In Ohio then ( maybe still ) you had to have your parents signature if you were under 18 even if you were married. My Dad wouldn't sign for me so I drove without a license. That's OK I had been doing since I was 14 anyway.
The car we had at the time was something else. It was an old Falcon. In order for the drivers side window to go up and down you adjusted it by adjusting the snowscraper in the door. It didn't have a door panel.
And the heat wasn't all that good so we put cardboard in the front of the radiator and kept blankets around us. We would scrape the inside of the windshield as well as the outside.
But our child wanted for nothing. He always came first.
It wasn't until many years later we were told that we would have qualified for welfare. We were so dumb we didn't know that.
I took in laundry and scrubbed it out in the bathtub as well as the diapers and our clothes. My hands would bleed. I would take in ironing and I hate to iron. That was before permanent press. You used to sprinkle the clothes with water and roll them up in dry cleaning bags. Plastic garbage bags hadn't been invented yet. Pampers were a new thing but it was a luxury I couldn't afford.
My younger sisters liked to come and stay with me for a few days at a time. I would have to feed them bicuits and gravy and beans, potatoes and cornbread. They thought that was the most amazing food. My mother never cooked like that.
I made them promise not to tell her or they would have something to say about how we couldn't take care of ourselves and we were doing fine, we thought.
I took in babysitting.
I delivered newspapers and phone books.
We did what we had to do to make ends meet. And we loved each other and our son.
More of my amazing stories to come later.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

I was reading in Dear Abby that a firefighter wife wrote in telling about an online service www.firewise.org that people who live near wilfire prone areas can
access to get information as to how to make their homes and property more more secure. As someone who has been in fire service her whole life I would reccomend you take advantage of this information. There is nothing more raging than a grass or woodland fire. The heat and smoke is terrifying, searing,deafening and intense. It chokes all life out of anyone or thing in its path. It is next to impossible to get water into the deep pathways of a forest fire.
I know from personal experience that at times it has to be literally beaten down. It is exuasting in a short amount of time. I can still hear it and smell it.
And your mouth is so dry you feel you will never be quenched again.

My Dad was a firefighter; both my husbands were firefighters and I was associated with fire departments for almost 32 years personally.
If anyone has a chance to join a volunteer department and feels its something they might want to do look into it. You will be trained and never asked to do something you aren't trained to do. You can volunteer in a lot of ways. Just ask.
You better have fear every time that truch rolls. If you don't you have no business going and I wouldn't want you having my back.
You can only do your best.

Now you know why my blog is titled what it is. There are many facets to the person I am. I have had an interesting life. There are so many other experiences I haven't even touched on. I'll get to it eventually.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog called " my son and his dog". Look for it in blogs near you for local showtimes! I actually conceived this idea last winter when Dan and Jake got into a dilemna. You get to figure out which is the boy and which is the dog!

Sunday night we did a fun thing to teach Keisha a Bible lesson. She began the day in kind of a grumpy mood. At church apparently she had to be disciplined twice so Dan came up with the parable of the Good Samaritan to help her understand to have a changed heart. We had a lot of fun. Jennie and I put on an Academy Award winning performance if I do say so myself.

We used Keisha's Barbie dolls and a Ken doll and a Dad doll from the Fischer Price Family set ( A brown man). The victim was Chelsea, Keisha's favorite at the moment Barbie type doll she just got for her birthday. She is dressed to the 9's with a leather coat, shoes, puse and all that. Then there is Ruth, ( temporarily named), a short doll, but cute nonetheless, ( we don't say anything bad against short people here), Ken, John, (the brown guy), and 3 teenage ghetto girls. So you get the picture.

Well, Chelsea is walking down the street minding her own her business and these 3 ghetto girls come up from nowhere and start beating the crap out of her and calling her names. They are pulling her hair and taking her shoes and taking her coat and taking her purse. then they leave her laying there hurt, bleeding, crying, bruised and scared.

Along comes one of her friends from school named Ruth but she can't be bothered. She is too busy. She walks right on past. Then along comes Ken. He stops and looks but he can't be bothered either.

He is too sexy for his own good and doesn't want to get dirty.He just keeps on going. Chelsea doesn't know what she is going to do. She is so afraid.
Along comes John in his pink Barbie car, with white wall tires and one wheel missing (Just like a black man!). He is out of his neighborhood. He needs to get to his own school. Even though he is afraid he gets out and he comes over to check on Chelsea and asks how she is. He helps her up and helps her into the car even though she is screaming how bad she is hurting and crying. He drives her to the nearest hospital and gives them all the money he has in his pocket and asks them to take good care of her and tells her he will be back to check on her.

I wish you could have seen my granddaughter's face throughout this. She was spellbound. She had tears in her eyes. Chelsea is her favorite dool so for her to be mistreatreated by people like that and ignored by her friends really hurt Keisha's heart.

I had tears in my eyes because I knew she was affected. Dan, Jennie and I did a superb acting job. I went back to my youth of street fighting days growing up in the inner city.

So think of using kid's toys to teach the kids lessons. Make the Bible come alive in moderntime.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Today's Proverb pretty much talk's about not suffering fools. Boy, do you know how long it took me to learn that lesson?
My mother raised us to try to find the good in everyone and to be tactful so that allowed me to be open to a lot of trusting in the wrong people.
I did get the lesson, however, sad to say, it hasn't been all that long ago.

I touched on these dating services the other day. I have not dated for like 35 years. I am scared to death and I don't mind admitting it. It is kind of creepy.
You start filling out these questionairres and you begin to feel very vulnerable. You realize how many faults you have and try to look at yourself the way another person might se you and being honest about it sometimes it isn't always the best picture.
A person who grew old with you saw the weight go on gradually. It may not bother you that another person is " a few pounds overweight" but what do they really think? How honest are some of these people? I really like the ones that submit no picture and every question is answered with " I'll get back to you on that". What is that about? Next. The ones that tickle me because at least they are honest are the ones that admit they are married and looking for
an " activities partner". I didn't go for swinging in the 70's and I ain't going for it now. Next. And this one service has the gimmick of capturing your attention by claiming this or that person is 99% or 93% or 87% compatible with you. Yeah, and he is married. Give me a break.

I would love to be in a wholesome, Christian, committed relationship someday but I'm wondering if that is in the plan for me. I have put it in God's hands and we'll see what happens.

I asked Keisha to pray for me when she was leaving for church this morning. She is so funny. She said she would if no one was looking!
I guess that is a sign she is growing up.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

I subscribe to the E-mail version of the Houston Chronicle and was just browsing through the medical section and noticed an article from July 18th about a study on identifying a gene and depression. Thought I'd pass that along to those who may be interested.

I forgot to add to my story- first of all, I had female docs so they were kind enough to warm the speculums with warm water first. We know how important that is, right girls?
And, then after we returned home from the restaurant there were two messages from the hospital for me to cal back; it was urgent.
They wanted to make sure I had in fact went to the lab for the blood tests. I will add the tests were to include 2 HIV tests, 2 Hepatitis tests and one for Rubella. My doc had whispered to me when she gave me the paperwork that if she had been alone she would have washed her eye out with water from the sink and ben done with it but since the senior doc was there she had to folow procedure.
We had to go through al this to make sure she was protected from me. I guess no one considered that I might need to be protected from her.
About an hour later There was another phone call from the same person at thehospital wanting to know exactly where I had gone as she wasn't sure they could find my blood and the tests should have been run within 2 hours of the " incident".
She asked if I would consider taking a taxi to the hospital and she would pay for my trip home. I told her I had already taken medication that would make me sleepy and I really didn't want to do this. She said she didn't know if she would have access to the lab. I told her I'd bet she could find a way. She then had nerve enough to ask if I'd consider coming in early in the morning and I responded I really didn't want to.
I haven't heard anything yet today so I am going to assume all is well.
As I began with, Murphy's Law!

I hope you all check out the new blog mentioned before. These people seem really nice and sincere and are Christian. I am encouraged that they are dedicated to supporting their son and finding help for him. Unfortunately, at his age and where he is in his illness he probably isn't appreciating it as he will afew years from now. So, Jon and Karen keep up the fight and we will all be praying for you to have the strength and wisdom and peace to be with you every day. You will no doubt make many friends along the way that will surprise you. They are God's gift's.

Yesterday, I went for my long awaited bioposy. What a day. I am one of those people that Murphy's law applies too. However, I look at it as a fun and exciting experience in an otherwise dull and uninteresting life!
First off, I decided I needed to check the fluids in my car before I left. I have concluded I am ADD by learning about Dan's symptoms. A normal person would have done this some time before leaving not AT the time of leaving. I did the oil stick but realized I didn't have anything to wipe it on so I just added a quart.
I checked the brake fluid and it was OK. I knew I needed power steering fluid but had no idea where to put it. I looked around. I found a gizzmo and read the lid closely ( even w/ bifocals I don't see some things too well anymore) so I hoped and decided that was where it should go. I poured it in and hoped for the best. I put all the stuff back in the trunk and found a paper towel to wipe my hands but of course it didn't get it all off.
So I proceeded to the hospital for my appointment.
I was called back and theperson said " you are here for a pap smear today". I said no, I had a pap smear and it came back abnormal so I am her for a culpestomy(bioposy). She said " the culpestomy room is in use so you are here for a pap smear". I said " no, I am here for a culpestomy and I have waited 6 weeks for this so I better be having one today". She then informed that all my pap smears have come back OK so she doesn't know why I am upset.
I informed her my last one did not come back OK that is why I was scheduled for the bioposy.
She then begins to tell me when I've had pap smears done. I informed she is incorrect as all my previous work has been done in Texas and she argues with me that I am wrong. ( don't you love this!)I then pull out the information I received in the mail explaining the procedure and the appointment card and it clearlystates " culpestomy " on it. She then asks my birth date. I tell her. She leaves the room. I use the time to wash my hands.
She returns with a doctor who explains that there is another " Margaret " who is here for a pap smear.
I explain that I didn't appreciate being treated like a dummy who didn't know what was going on with herself.
So the correct nurse comes and gets me and I made sure she had the correct chart and we go to the procedure room. OH, first we stopped for a weigh-in. I had lost 1 1/2 lbs. since my last visit. I would have lost more but its my daughter-in-laws fault. She is a very good cook.
So the gal explains the procedure and has me sign the consent form and then I am left to disrobe and get into the gown and get on the table and " the doctor will be right with you".
Well, I counted all the berries in the wallpaper border 7 X; I counted the little holes in the ceiling tiles a few times; I recited all the scripture verses I could think of by heart;I thought about the last few books I have read: I sang Amazing Grace in my head ( the verses I could remember)aaand hummed what I couldn't remember until I got back to what I did: I sang all the patriotic songs I could think of under my breath; I got down and adjusted the pillow and got back up and pushed myself to the edge ( the ladies will know what I am talking about) so I would be " in position" ; then finally, I resorted to my Catholic roots and started praying the rosary. Sister Mary Matthew in first grade told us we would always have a rosary with us because we had our 10 fingers.
So you begin with the Lord's prayer and then 10 Hail Mary's and end with a Glory Be. You go through this 5X. I completed my rosary and then remembered I really was supposed to begin with the Apostle's Creed, The Lord's Prayer, 3 Hail Mary's and then a Glory Be and then proceed. So I completed that. I figured God wouldn't care that I did it out of order because He knew my heart was in the right place.
Still no doctor. My ADD was really kicking in. I was getting curious about the stuff in the room. It had been more than 30 minutes I was waiting. I even wondered if they forgot about me. I decided to amuse myself with all that I could and when I could find anything else I would get dressed and go find someone.
So I got down from my perfect perch and kept the paper cloth around me ( why?) and roved around the drawers and cabinets and read the labels.
I walked over to the monitor. #1 Push Power button to on and press B; # 2 Push Elmo and press all other buttons to on position. I started gigling. I was picturing little Elmo from Sesame Street in the room with this important job of helping the doctor with the monitor. I could hear his voice. This was even more significant because I happen to love Elmo but Jennie hates him. Dan went to library the night before abd brought back Keisha a tape called " Elmocize ". I jked with Jennie that it was it for her.
So, by now I am getting bored and mad. I decided to get back up on the table and wait 5 more minutes and then I was going to take action. As I was trying so ungracefully get back on the table the doctor arrived.
She apologized and said she was waiting for this other doctor to be available as she herself was not as experienced at this procedure as doc# 2 was.
So, the procedure started. All was going well until my doc got some matter in her eye and had to go to the eye wash station and remove it. Well, this just about caused an international incident.
The second doc finished up. By the way it is kind of painful and unpleasant. I had 4 places they had to bioposy. For those that have not had this done, first, they swab with vinegar because this creates a chemical reaction with the bad cells; next they swab the whole area with iodine that looks black on the monitor ( that is what my doc got in her eye along w/ formaldrhyhide); they are looking into a high powered microscope and a special light ( I love clinical stuff) to find exactly where to go; then they have this long scissors and they go in and actually pull and snip and pull and snip until they get the entire area they want. It burns and stings and cramps and you aren't anethethesized. However, you also aren't in labor for 12-24 hours either.
So, as I said they found four places and they went into the uterus also.
Then, doc#2 says you will have a discharge of the iodine and blood for a couple of days but if it gets heavy I want you to call me. I inform her that although I am perimenopausal if I am unlucky enough to have a period this month it be around now so how would I know the difference? Her answer, " you use your best judgement". So, there I am.
Then, my doc comes in to inform me that if I would be so kind as to have some blood work done to make sure she is protected from her mistake. That isn't exactly how it was put but that was the jist of it.
So I get the paperwork and head off to the lab. Only because I had to wait so long for the procedure now the lab was closed. I had to find another one.
Oh, and by the way there wasn't going to be any expense to me. How kind.
So, I am told I have to trek to the other side of the complex to the main part of the hospital. Off I go. By now, I am tired and thirsty. Oh yeah, before I left my doc I had to make an appointment to come back and they give you a parking pass. This time the lady gave me a token; this figures in later.
So, I find the lab and wait my turn. I get my blood drawn and go through the hospital and outside back across to the other side where I originally was and through that building to the elevators. Now when you leave the parking garage you take level 4 to get to the clinic where my doc is so I push 4 to go back. I get off on 4 and I am wandering around trying to find the walway to the parking garage. Finally, I see a cleaning lady and she tells me from this side I have to take to 3. Go figure.
So I get in the elevator and go to the floor where my car is supposed to be. I get off and start walking to where it is supposed to be only it isn't there.
Who would want to steal Maxine? She is an '82 Nissan Maxima that isn't in the greatest shape but we don't don't tlk disparinginling of the elderly.
I'm looking around trying to figure out what to do. I won't cry because that isn't going to solve anything so I start walking. There she is on the other side. I was completely turned around. So we head down to the bottom and encounter an aalmost non-English speaking female who took her job very seriously and told me the token was no good. I told that is what was given to me so it had to be good. She said I had to give her money. I told her I didn't have any.
This went back and forth for a good minute. Now, I'm getting manic and this isn't good.
I was getting angry and knew it wasn't good but felt powerless to control it. I was very tired and I was hurting and uncomfortable.
I again asked her how would I have received the token if the lady hadn't given it to me. She said I needed to tell the lady where I was parked. I said to this lady, ' where else would I have have parked"? Her answer was the Emergency room or surgical area. I said if I did then I probably wouldn't have needed a parking pass. Now, I'm smoking mad. I think she knew it and there where about 57 cars behind me that had started honking. So she closed her window and called sombody and they told her to have me sign the ticket and be on my way. Thank God because I might have hurt her I am afraid.
So of course I caught about every red light home.
On a lighter note, Dan cooked, which means he took us out to eat at a place we like to go called Rooster's. They are known for there different kind of wings and Dumpster fries. We usually get an order of Teriyaki,garlic and Donkey wings. The Donkey are burn your face off HOT. We each get celeryw/dressing to back up the donkeys. Dumpster fries have green onions, bacon, cheese, peppers, jalapenos and I don't remember what else. A little of this and that thrown in. They are really good. We ususally get ice water and some Killean's to go along with it.
I know I shouldn't have the beer w/ my medication but its one glass and I'm not driving and it cuts through the hot stuff and regardless what anyone says I'm going to keep on doing it. But I'll welcome comments from those that care!
So, That is the one day in the life of Me.
And how was your day?

Friday, July 25, 2003


This is Dan, Margie's son. She forwarded me an email she received earlier today, asking me to set up a link to another Bipolar blog, which I'm adding to her blogroll. Here is the text of the email she received:


While looking for other blogs related to bipolar, I came across yours. I very much enjoyed reading it, and would like to link to it from ours. Ours is http://bipolarsupport.blogspot.com/ and it's written to document our life and struggles with our 19 year old bipolar son. If you want to link to ours, you have our permission.

All the best to you, and God Bless,

Jon and Karen
Omaha, NE
It appears that Jon and Karen just started their blog this month, and their family is going through a rough time right now. Why not stop by and offer them some encouragement? Take care, and if you want to find me, you can usually try over at my blog, Journey Inside My Mind.

I may be changing the look of my blog soon. I am tryimg to coordinate with my friend Annie in the UK to assist me with this. She has been kind enough to offer.
I have been blessed to make new friends through my blog and want all of you to know that you are a true blessing.

I haven't been on the computer as much lately as I haven't felt well and this week I have started a new medication called Topamax. It also has a side effect that makes me sleepy, however, one benefit is it isn't supposed to cause weght gain as some of the other psychotrophic or anti-seixure drugs do. In fact, the material they gave me said if I start noticing a dramatic weight loss I am to notify the doctor. I will after I have reached my desired weight!!
It also has the potential of creating excessive thirst and excessive urination. If you experience excessive urination you are supposed to notify the doctor. How do you know if you have excesive urination if you also have excessive thirst?

I have read 2 more books since the last one. They are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One is the history behind the song, " Amazing Grace". It was written by John Newton a preacher from England in the late 1700's.
The common myth is that he wrote it while on a ship wrecking in a storm while carrying slaves from Africa and he thought he was going to die.
While he did have that experience it wasn't until much later in his life that he actually wrote the words. It wasn't put to music until much later in America.
Ironically, the slaves in America popularizered the song as it spoke to them of their trials and tribulations.
Newton, in fact, wrote many hymns. He is just well known for this one.
It was an interesting yet hard read. I found I did skim over some pages that I found boring.
He did rely on Scripture to guide him through much of his life although found himself in conflict with it also as many of us might be even today.

The other book was called " The Three Miss Margarets". It is a mystery centered around 3 elderly ladies in deep Georgia who have kept a secret for decades.
It was an easy read and entertaining. It gave a glimpse into life back when civil rights were changing and what it was like to be part of the aristrocratic South and to be part of the change when you knew certain things were wrong.

Keisha is completing her first week of school and she loves it. She loves every part of it including riding the bus with all the kids. She is just blossiming.
She has homework every night.
She has been on an antibiotic and is finishing it up. She came bounding into my room and excaimed she could could finally drink other people's drinks and eat other people's food!! I told her I didn't think that is what it meant but she could ask her Mom when she came home from school.
She can be so funny and not mean to be.
I tease her a lot but I need to let up. Dan read her a book recently that a character was teased and learned to say " so ". She is learning to do that with me. It puts me in my place and then I apologize.
I am not cruel with her just antogonizing sometimes.
She will get me back in my old age I'm sure! Of course, she thinks this is my old age now!

I recently looked into one of those " free" dating services. Its free until you want to do something with it. I discovered something about myself. I am soon to be 51 years old and have really only been on 2 dates in my entire life and they were with my first husband about 35 years ago. The first one being the junior prom and then a few months later we went to a reasonably nice German restaurant. He was a college student and this was in the sixties so there wasn't a lot of money. We sort of just group dated. By that I mean we had a group of friends we hung out with and either got together at someones house or at a park or at McDonald's. This was when a Coke was 10cents and you could nurse it all night. My curfew was 10:00.
Actually, it started out that he was going with a friend but her Dad was strict Italian and hardly let her out so I would be left to entertain him and after about a year we ended up together. After we were divorced I used to joke with her that she could have him back!
My second husband I knew while married to the first. He kind of rescued me from the first and we never really dated. He just assumed I would marry him when I was free and I kept stalling until finally one Saturday I gave in.
I loved each of them in my own way.
The first marriage lasted almost 8 years and the second over 22 years so it isn't that I didn't try.
This dating thing has me kind of scared. The usual reasons and the inadequatecies within yourself. I am overweight, my teeth need fixed, I don't have the right clothes, I am not perky anymore, will I be a conversationalist in the right topics?, my hair isn't styled, I am kind of set in my ways, I love my granddaughters and kids, I am a staunch Christian, my toes are ugly, I still smoke even though I have drastically cut back, I have my illnesses that curtail many activities, I have strech marks!, I'm no longer a spring chicken, I am emphathatetic of certain people plights and not of others, etc.
How would someone new perceive me as I am today. It is different when someone grows older with you.
I am accepting of someone else; I guess I wonder if someone else is.
Oh well, this is where I am today.

Monday, July 21, 2003

I finished a book called " Forgiving Sam ". It was a little weird in that it chronicled a life of a male victim of dexual and physical as well as psychological abuse.
It starts when he is 9 and goes on up to adulthood. It is fiction, however, I think the author had to have has some background with this subject.
Being a survivor myself I know the ins and outs and how a survivor thinks.
Our experiences may be different but the effects are the same regardless who goes through it.
It is raw in places; I need to warn you of that.
It was interesting and healing in a way to read it. It took several days to get through it.
There were times I had to put it down and do something else. Then there were times I had a flashback and needed to reflect on that.
Use your own judgement as to whether you should read it or not.

Keisha is at school today. Its her first day of kindergarten. She was pumped up. She is attending a year round program this year. Its awful quiet without her here.
Her teacher has never taught a hearing impaired student before so they both will learn something this school year.
She is excited to learn and is a good student. She learns quickly.
Her Dad took her to school today. I imagine it will be a little hard on him too.

I remember his first day of kindergarten. He was pumped up just as she is. He was also a quick learner and good student. He had an excellent teacher as it seems Keisha's teacher will be.
Her main problem will be adjusting to different rules and procedures.
So, I can't wait until she gets home today to hear all about her adventure as a kindergartener.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

Houston gets the Superbowl

I was reading the Houston Chronicle online this morning and saw that Houston is hosting the Super Bowl next year. i wasn't sure they hasd it before I moved. The article stated that Houston needs to landscape because it is ugly.
I wouldn't have said its ugly, however, I would say it was drab.
There is no zoning so there are " gentleman's clubs " near shopping centers and churches, etc.
There is a lot of greenspace. In The Woodland where I lived they landscape all medians, etc. with wildflowers. It is so beautiful especially in the sprigtime when the bluebnonnets are in bloom.
It is something all communities could do. The Woodlands is a master planned community and the premise is that you do not see buildings from the road. They cut down as few trees as possible and promote landscaping with native plantings. These survive the elements better than hybrid plantings. All signing is done in wood or stone.
It is a real lovely hometown. If you ever have a chance to visit I would encourage you to do so.

Speaking of towns, Dayton is hosting the biggest air show this weekend. It is bigger and better to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Flight.
There are activities planned all over town. Dayton is the birthplace of Flight; Kitty Hawk, NC would disagree. That is where the actual flight took place but Dayton is where Flight was conceived and drawn up.
In December, Kitty Hawk will do their celebration.
Yesterday, we had Keisha's birthday part. The kids had a ton of fun. Jennie is so creative. Keisha wanted a " Spy Kids " party. Jennie thought up the idea to make it a movie theater part.
The kids were issued tickets she printed on the computer for admission to the house. They set up chairs " movie theater " style and the furniture was rearranged to accomodate the chairs and dining table was used as a concession stand. There was popcorn, hot dogs, nachos and candy and soda, iced tea and lemonade to drink.
Each child had their own plate, bowl and cup with their name on it to take home. And, Keisha gave all her guests sunglasses as a thank you gift.
I spent the day visiting with my sister. We don't get to visit often so we always have a lot to say.
I wanted to find out about their new adopted daughter.
What a story. She had been severly abused and their are behavioral problems on account of it.
She refuses to call my sister, " Mommy ". She calls her Mary which infuriates us. She told her she would never call her Mommy.
She is only now begining to learn empathy.
My heart goes out to her because I can emphathise with her pain. Anyone who has lived through abuse will tell you it is something you battle with all your life.
I think people who abuse kids should be locked away forever.
I have the tendency to be overprotective of my loved ones because of it.
I am vigilent about issues that may put them in harm's way.
I drive them crazy. I'm sorry but that is just how I am.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

By the way she is 6 years old today and her favorite color has now officially changed to blue!

No one I knew personally was affected by the Hurricane; my heart gors out to all those that were.

The one news event today that I think is worth noting is the accident in Santa Monica involving the elderly man killing 9 people and injuring so many.
I don't know all the particulars of course, but I do think after we reach a certain age we should be tested again to drive.
And, yes I am closer to being there than to 16 again.
I remember the last time I was getting my lisence renewed in Texas there happened to be several elderly people in line as well.
I like old people so it isn't that I am predjudiced against them.
There were at least 4 that I was shocked and appalled new licenses were isssued. They couldn't hear the person give instructions, didn't totally comprehend the vision test and could barely hold themselves up on canes.
It scared me to death to realize I was possibly going to meet up with one of these people on the road.
I remember years ago when my own father should not have been driving anymore. He was in a serious accident while driving around the Midwest on a car vacation.
To take away his driving priveledges was paramount to asking him to lay down and die.
He wouldn't wear glasses and wouldn't get hearing aids which were both needed. He had vascular problems in his legs and serious cardiac issues.
It is by the grace of God he didn't injure anyone or himself. Or worse.
So I have compassion for this gentleman however, I have to wonder if his lisence should have been revoked.
I worked in a retirement community for a few years and knew many elderly residents who drove and some that shouldn't have been.
I remember one lady I dearly loved who was still driving up until she was placed in the Altzheimer's unit. Isn't that frightening?

We went out to eat yesterday to celebrate Keisha's birthday. While at the restaurant she noticed a family using sign language. We found out the parents were deaf but the children were hearing.
Dan conversed with them for awhile. By the way deaf people can drive if their car is specially equipped. They have a sensor put in that when a siren is near it trips a light much like they have for doorbells.
Statisticly, deaf people have one of the safest driving records of all the population. I wonder if it is because they are not distracted by sound stimulus as we are? It is neat to know Keisha will be able to drive when she is older.

She went to her new sbhool today for testing. I went along to meet her new teacher. She is being mainstrreamed into a regular classroom.
Her teacher is about my age yet has never had a hearing impaired student before. She said Keisha will teach her as well as MS. Fabian teaching Keisha.
I like her school a lot. The hallways are carpeted and they play classical music very soft. The rule is if you can't hear the music you are talking too loud.
The principal looks to be a no nonsense woman yet also kind.
I think Keisha is going to love it there.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

As anyone who reads this on a regular basis knows I lived in Houston for 22 years. Today Hurricane Claudette is hitting Texas, the Gulf Coast.
I never went through a Hurricane in those 22 years however I went through many Tropical storms. They can be equally devastating.
Ocrober 17th,1994 @ approximately 8:30 in the morning Tropical storm Rosa hit my family hard. We had 33 inches of rain in 3 days and cosequently we flooded.
We lost almost everything we owned.What was salvaged was inconsequential. If it was up high it wasn't something used for daily living.
We had 5 ft of water in out house for 4 days and what the water didn't get the moisture did.
I had one lady tell me she had gone through a fire and now flood and she would much rathe go through fire. With fire, everything is gone. With flood you have to go back in and muck all your stuff to the street and then tear out the walls and cabinets and insulation and ceilings, etc.
It took us 2 and 1/2 days to muck the house working from sunup to sundown.
The flood happened on a Monday morning and I had stocked up my deep freeze as well as my inside freezer on Saturday. All that food rotted. I wasin the process of doing laundry so all the clothes and the washer / dryer were ruined.
I can say from my experience Tupperware and my Rexair Rainbow sweeper made it through the flood.
We went from no water to 5 feet in 30 minutes. It was frightening. The water came from two sources.

A part of me has never recovered from that day and it altered my life immensely. We thought we were covered for flood with the insurance company. We found out unless you have " rising water " insurance you aren't covered. $ 50,000 at least in contents and FEMA gave us $2500.00. Also, they don't cover antiques or jewelry.
You are compensated for the minimum of coverage for replacement. One full bed for 2 adults. Just a bedframe and matress and boxspring.A basic table and chairs. No TV or other equipment.
So, for those whom this info could apply get your flood insurance. And it has to be in effect for 30 days prior to a claim.

My heart goes out to anyone going through a disaster. They are always in my prayers.
I will try to touch base with family and friends tomorrow to see how they literally weathered the storm.

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Welcome to a piece of my mind! I have a few comments to make today.

First of all, today is a terrific day. It feels almost springlike instead of the dead of summer. I don't hurt as much as I have in awhile. I still hurt just not as much. This fibromyalgia is such a mystery, isn't it? I have done a lot of resting and I think that accounts for me feeling a little better. I try to keep a good attitude which isn't always easy. People don't really want to hear about anothers' aches and pains.
I write a lot about it because I think it might help other suffers of my " fmily " and even might educate somne who don't have it.
It takes a lot to open up like this.
Dan revealed to me that all the kids thought I was a hypochondriac when they were younger. It hurt to hear that but I appreciated the honesty. My younger ones don't ever remember Mom not being sick. They are 22 and 24 years old now. I think all of them feeling that way has influenced how they feel about me today.
It affects how they perceive my mental illness. They don't want to accept that it is real. And I think it scares them that its hereditary. If they can ignore me they can ignore the possibility of it in their own selves.
The most compassionate one is Dan. How he turned out as a caring person and the other 3 to be so self-absorbed is one of my mysteries.

I listened to Robert Schuller this morning. I have always appreciated his positive approach to the Scriptures.
Today he spoke on all kinds of possibility.
The one song sang was " The Impossible Dream " from Man from La Mancha. I first heard it in high school. It became my theme song.
The words to that song have been my basic mantra throughout my life.
I haven't accomplished all that I thought I would in life these many years later however I am pleased with where I am.
I never gave up. I have integrity and tenacity. That will be part of my legacy. And, to have an incredible sense of humor. I especially at this age do not take myself or life too seriously.
I recognize and celebrate that I am having the life I have not necessarily the one I planned.
Recognizing that gives me the peace that surpasses all understanding.
I attempt to live my faith everyday. And when I trust in HIm I am never disappointed.
It is easier now to let go and let God. I have lived long enough to know now that if I get myself out of it the outcome will reflect the peace that He intends for all His children.
That was a lesson that took years to learn. Everytime I thought I had it I found out no I didn't. I would get so discouraged.
And I had nerve enough to believe I was a patient person. The audacity of me.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I browsed the Presidential Haiku that Dan posted for me. Quite interesting. On the same note, I just finished reading a book called " George and Laura".
It is about the life of our President and the First Lady. I was interested in it because I like biographies; he was my Govenor in Texas and she my First Lady; I am fascinated with the family; and, I wanted to learn more about them as people, not just what we learn from the media.
I learned some interesting facts; why did it take him so long to return to the White House on 9/11?
The public was made aware that a direct threat had made to Air Force One. The person who called in the threat to the White House knew the security code for Air Force One and where it was.
That is when the directive that all commercial aircraft were grounded. That included the jet that his parents were on headed to Minnesota. They were grounded in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
The President was demanding to return to D.C. however the Vice- President and Secret Service won out. It is unfair that Americans have had their president portrayed as a wimp on that day.
The Press should get their facts straight before they report to the public what they think they know.
The book was fair in the portrayal of the Bushes as real people including their weaknesses as well as their strengths.

Another book I read this week was " Standing in the Rainbow " by Fannie Flagg. You may recall that she also wrote " Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe " that was later done in film.
This too was enjoyable. Whilke reading it you would think it was a true story. That is her style of writing.

I haven't blogged for awhile. I thouraghly enjoyed my visit with my family at my sister's party last Sunday.

I can say we all changed over 9 and 1/2 years. My oldest sister looked very well for being in her 60's now. I have resembled her my entire life so maybe there is hope for me yet!
She lost a considerable amount of weight, had a flattering hairstyle ( which I have never known her to have ) and she now wears glasses.
I was able to visit with several neices and nephews and meet their children.
I can now confirm that it was my oldest great-nephew that we saw on the news a few weeks ago. He was at a Reds game and leaned over to kiss his girlfriend and was caught on the screen. His probation officer was present and saw him and had him arrested on the spot.
Someone forgot to tell David that he has " Mitchell ' blood and therefore Murphy's law applies!

I can't believe how many great-neices and nephews I have now.

The only one that really hadn't changed was my youngest brother. Surprising, with all the stress he is under.

Got to meet DJ, the newest member of our family. She is an adorable little girl. She and Keisha became best friends in about 10 seconds.

I am worried about my Oscar in Texas. He has a lot of health problems right now. He isn't a very good patient so I'm sure he is giving somebody a hard time. When we were together I could smooth over the rough edges for him.
He needs me with him but is having a hard time admitting it. He doesn't like to think of himself " needing " anyone.
And, he is still angry with me about some things.
I keep him in my prayers many times a day. You know, you can't help who you love. We always said we believed God brought us together. I stay with that knowledge in my heart and am able to weather the storms.
He can infuriate me sometimes yet I still love him so I can forgive.
I know who he is inside better than he knows himself. I think that ticks him off sometimes.
We are each others best friend. That is why we have survived the storms over these four years.

It looks like Dan may have found a job. Be in prayer with us that it pans out. These kids have been throught the wringer this past year.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Abraham Lincoln - Presidential Haiku

Manic depressive
Dark moods and brilliant vision
His curse, our blessing
I browse the Presidential Haiku website from time to time to see what updates are there. I thought Mom and other readers might appreciate this haiku someone came up with. I couldn't find a direct link, so you'll have to find the post from 3 July 2003.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Good Morning World!

I am still paying for all the walking and standing I did on the 4th. And I am peeling from my sunburn. I am not going to let that dampen my spirits today.

We will be going to Cincinnati this afternoon to my sister's party. All I have to do is sit and hold court for my siblings and any other relatives that will show up.

We will be meeting my new to the family neice that my sister and brother-in-law are adopting.

There isn't much for me to blog about right now. I have kept a low profile this weekend. I am into a book I will probably comment on soon.

I'm sure I will much to blog about tomorrow. Let's say my family knows how to put the " fun " in dysfunctional!

Friday, July 04, 2003

Happy 4th of July, America!
I want to take a moment and remind everyone that we have troops all over the world today that are defending our Constitution. Even if you don't agree with the policy of the present government isn't it great that you live in a country that you have the right to do so and there are countless men and women willing to give up their life defending your right to disagree?
To all our troops, Thank You.

We went to see the President speak today at Wright- Patterson AFB. This was my first time to be in an audience where the President was speaking. He was here to celebrate the Centennial of Flight.
He gave a very good speech.
We got to see Air Force One land. That was impressive. Also, secret service agents were out in full force as well as military personnel walking the grounds. I felt very safe.

We had to walk about 5 miles to get from where we had to park to the area where he was going to give his speech. It was hot, about 90 degrees and high humidity. At least there was a slight breeze blowing, although it really was blowing hot air.
Poor Keisha; she was very overheated by the time we got into the area. She was crying that she wanted to go home. She was thirsty. We were trying not to buy a drink because they are so expensive at these type of events.
Her little heart was racing so Dan had to take her to get a drink.
I was afraid she was going to have heat stroke.
We were going to bring our own drinks but they said on TV we wouldn't be allowed to bring them in. Also no camera cases or coolers.
I wish I had a dime for every bottle of water I saw and coolers and camera bags as well as purses and bags with things to eat. I'd be rich.
It was so hot tha the bedspread we brought to sit on was burning to our skin and it had a white background. That was one reason we brought that one so it would reflect the heat.
When we had about a third of the way to go on the way back a police officer picked us up in a golf cart and drove us to the car. He was a godsend because I had reached the point that my sciatic nerve was acting up and could hardly lift my foot. And little Keisha was almost given out again. I think Dan was feeling bad too.
Like the officer said he saved us about a half hour of walking.

Keisha said she didn't ever want to go there again. On the way out I took her to the restroom and she sat on the toilet for about 7 minutes until I told her she probably wasn't going to go. I think she was just enjoying sitting down!
All in all, she was a trooper. That was a lot for a 5 yr. old.

I think I'm going to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be a rest day. Sunday is the party with my sister and some of my siblings and extended family. Can't wait!

Thursday, July 03, 2003

I happened to notice the Mary's Hope link has changed. It is now maryshope@maryshope.org
This issue is something I and others live with everyday of our lives. It doesn't control me however it has shaped my life. My perception of people is probably different than a person who did not have this experience.
I recall asking myself numerous times throughout my life, " is this a decision that a normal prrson would make"?
I have never felt " normal ".
Add in the bipolar issue and I have been a mixed up person.
One of my abusers is mentally ill also. I have compassion and empathy for him however I truly wish he hadn't done what he did to me and my sisters.
I have worked through the anger and shame and guilt and loss and rage associated with this issue.
I went through " the where was God while this was happening to us."
He was always there. I will say He did not " let " this happen. Evil was in this and my God is not about evil. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus came to give us Life.
I have a personal relationship with Him and am so comforted with His Word.
He has shown Himself to me in countless ways; yes, even in miracle situations. I have been blessed to know His love and peace.
I would offer my sisters ( not just blood sisters ) the same hope.
Peace will not come in a day but will come. It is a process. It is work; you will come out on the other side.
I am the proof of that.
I was once asked by one of my sisters how I handled this as well as I did. My answer was simple. I was not going to let them win. That was powerful to me once I recognized
I was going to be the victor. I did not have control over what some one else did however I could control my destiny in this matter.
My soul is peiced back together. It may have scar tissue. My mother used to have a saying, " the wound heals but the scar is always there."
I think that is true in this case.
The scar is a reminder to me of how desperatly I need my Lord in my daily walk through life.
I am humbled by His presence and love in my life.
I can't imagine going through my life without this knowledge.