Tuesday, September 02, 2003

I'm back!
We haven't been to the library for awhile so i haven't been on the computer for awhile.
Thanks for the messages from my buddies about the biopsy. I still haven't heard back yet. I hope to know later this week.
I go to the pain specialist for the first time today finally. dan is taking me. They say I have to bring someone with me; I don't know what that means as far as treatments but it sounds a little foreboding.
I don't care; I just want some relief. I cannot even remember a pain free day. I can remember even being a kid and experiencing pain as early as 7-8 years old.
I am 51 today; that's a long time to feel this way.
I don't make a big deal of my birthday.
When I was growing up my Dad would tell the story every year of my birth.
I always called it " the gospel of my birth according to St. Charles."
those who grew up Catholic will understand my sardonic humor in that.
Short version- I was premature; they think maybe a month. I had my fingernails and toenails so maybe I was 8 months.
My Dad was a firefighter. My Mom went into labor late at night and to call my Dad home from the firehouse. He didn't own a car and there were no buses running of course so he had to borrrow a car to come get her.
When they got to the hospital the doors were locked. The nurse that had to let them in hollered at my Mom for " waiting until the last minute" and that upset her. (You didn't upset my Mom)
I required a pediatrician which they hadn't planned on. The expense was great for them.
I had to baptized quickly because they thought I might die.
at 3 days old they had left me with my mother and she had fallen asleep and I had turned blue when they found me. I had to be resucitated. That scared the hell out of both of them.
My mother's first baby was stillborn and even though she had 9 live births following that she never got over the loss.
I'm quite sure The experience with me recalled all that emotion. However, in our family it was never discussed. ( It might upset my Mom )
They said I could fit in a shoe box but I don't know what size shoe.
My grandmother had to knit me clothes because regular baby clothes were too big.
And I was born on the first day of school that year so my oldest sister had to get the siblings ready for school as well as herself.
She was 11 years older than me. I always looked up to her and regretted my whole life we only had a small period of time that we actually got to share being sisters.
She is still alive. My family is such that we aren't close; not by a long shot.
Anyway, The story was always told in such a way that I was reminded as to what an inconvenience I was.
My one brother told me once when it was announced that I was on the way " it meant more of nothing". That was the sentiment.
So My birthday always signified the reminder of my inconvenience; the end of summer; school starting; fall coming and cold weather and hurting.
I hate to sound so whiny and bleak.
I turned it all around for my kids and tried to celebrate the joy of them being a gift to me.
I hope they all know how precious they are to me.
Had I not had the life I did I might not have appreciated them for who they are.
So all things seem to come full circle don't they?

We are supposed to pick up the The PC from the Computer Doctor today so I hope to be able to write more in the future.

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