Saturday, May 31, 2003

This morning Keisha came upstairs to tell me my " baby " was tickling her and I needed to tell him to stop and he needed a spanking.
I told her that I thought a spanking was for really serious things and was it that serious that he needed to get spanked. She thought so. So when he came upstairs I told him
what she said. So I gave him one swat and she was satisfied. She said " so there".
She gets the biggest kick out of the fact that her Dad's Mom lives here and I can have some control over him.
She asked me to help her with her shower and then when she was putting her socks on she came into my room and sat in the chair and talked to me. I treasure these times. I think I'm going to have to keep " the chair" in my room even when we move.
It has become the place the family comes to share pieces of their life.

I just finished a book by Lorrie Morgan written about her late husband, Keith Whitley. It was very frank and insightful about life w/ a severe alcoholic.It was loving, fortcoming, frank and poignant and sometimes very funny.
I want to remember the quote that was said by someone from the music business about him, "when Keith Whitley started singing The room would be so quiet you could hear a mouse peeing on a cotton ball."
I love that. I love Lorrie's voice and her music and I really loved Keith Whitley's voice.

Today is a gloomy day and somewhat matches my mood. I have spent a lot of time in prayer trying to figure out what to do about my life.
I miss Oscar terribly. I miss his frankness w/ me and his being a sounding board.
For al his faults he has so much good about him too. And, I consider him my best friend.
I can't help that I love him. Lord knows I've tried not to.
He for the most part is just a big, old teddy bear.

I want al my medical stuff to be over. I don't like it hanging over my head.
I have been cycling a lot this month. I'm trying to recognize it and not act on impulse. It is a constant battle inside me.
I am going for now. I'm getting too emotional.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Today, Bob Hope is 100 years old. It is kind of hard to believe. I guess I am getting older. I remember all the TV shows and feeling proud that he was one of many " Buckeyes " that were famous; Roy Rogers, Doris Day to name a couple of others. I grew up a few blocks from where Doris Day grew up. Her real name was Klingelhoffer.
So to Bob Hope-- Happy Birthday and thanks for the memories!

I have so much on my mind lately. I have a very troubled spirit.
I really miss the man I left behind in Texas. I believe he is my true love. I know he is my best friend. Yet there are issues that separate us. I have been in constant prayer about him. And, I've let go and let God. He is THE miracle worker. I trust in my faith that somehow this can be resolved.
My Dad always referred to God as " The Big Guy ". So if I refer to him that way you will know what I mean.

Jennie started her orientation for her new job yesterday.She said it was very boring. She will be a terrific nursing assistant but I think her real love might be cosmetology. She does a terrific job w/ Keisha's hair everday and has played around w/ her own. If I was inclined she would mess w/ mine too.
She is great w/ makeup. I think it nurtures a creativity within her.

Dan is looking into bartending school. Like he said its recession proof.

Keisha is completing her last day of preschool today. We have mixed emotions. She is growing up. In about 6 weeks she will go to kindergarten. And then in the blink of an eye she will be leaving her new school for junior high.
It seemed to me once all of mine went to kindergarten the time went so fast and then they were all grown up.

She can be so funny.Today as she was getting ready for school I was teasing her about something and then I walked away. She told her Dad that his mother was mixing her up!!
When I came back she told me I had to go to my room and put my nose on the wall! Her Dad said maybe I could go to my room and put my nose in a book!

I heard today about a lady (girl ) in Massachuetts whose father was taking pictures of her from a camera attached to the computer for the last four years. There isn't anything she can do because it isn't against the law. You can't voice record someone without their permission but you can do what he did.
She is working now to have the law changed.
Good for her. And I applaud her mother for throwing him out of the house when she was told and filing for divorce.
What a scumbag. She must feel so betrayed and used.
No one knows what a victim carries with them in a situation like this. I will keep her in my prayers. And I hope she gets some counseling.

Everytime I hear of these kind of situations I become so enraged at the perpetrator. I firmly believe a sexual offender will never be rehabilatated except maybe with the help of a spiritual rebirth.
I know some and none have stopped reoffending when not in jail.
I don't know what it is in their makeup that makes them do this and I am sure they live with their own personal torment but I don't know of too many who are even truly remorseful.

I am not apolegetic for my feelings. I do wish them recovery if that is what they are truly after.
I have known so many people who can put on a con job over my lifetime that I have had to put up a guard for myself to catch them in progress and not let it continue.
I don't let anyone slide anymore. I do not let myself be conned once I discovered that my trusting nature allowed these kind of people into my life and then ultimately betrayed that trust.
I try to appreciate the good God put inside me and protect that good from the evildoers that have surrounded me. I took responsibility that I allowed myself to be drawn to this kind of person because of my weaknesses and needs.
I always wanted to see the best in someone and although that may be noble it is not practical.
People who are users will find people who show their weaknesses as I used to and prey upon them.
Again, I can pray for that person but I don't have to have them involved in my life.
Even Jesus had his limits of suffering the evildoers.

I have been cycling some lately. I am taking my meds; I think its because there is so much going on personally. And I am having a particularly bad episode of fibromyalgia these last couple of weeks.
There are days I just want someone to call the vet and have me put to sleep!
I have only been sleeping a couple to 3 hours a night which is bad if you are bipolar. I wake up hurting and then the things that are on my mind come into my head again so between that and not being able to get comfortable keep me awake.
I know the middle of the night infomercials pretty good now. There is one terrific sounding fat reducer product but it costs $158.00 so that's out of the question.

I hope everyone has a blessed day!

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

The Gynecologist Who Became A Mechanic My sister forwarded this joke to me. I think it's hilarious, and I bet you will, too.

A whole new profession may have emerged!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I was wondering if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Monday, May 26, 2003

Today is the day we celebrate Memorial Day. It has added significance this year. I want to thank all our servicepeople for defending our freedoms. I wonder how many Americans take them for granted even though we just went through a war and are still involved in conflict around the world.
Much blood has been shed from the Revolutionary War until now to defend our freedom.
We hear it all the time and I think a lot of us just tune it out after awhile. I caution us to think again.
There is the country music song out right now called " Have You Forgotten ". I think it says what we need to be reminded of today. There is a lesser known song from a few years ago sung by Billy Ray Cyrus that I had on a tape about a Vietnam Vet that was particularly poignant. I can't remember the name of it right now but if you look at his earlier music you will find it.

Then there are the unsung heroes.We hear that phrase often,don't we? What does it mean? For me it is the families who lost a loved one. Your loss is significant to me.
I may not have known him /her and I can't say I know how you feel but I can say that I have a son in the Navy and I think of him everyday, many times a day and know the pain I would feel where he called to give the ultimate, his life. My comfort is in my faith and hope he has made his peace with his Creator.

Think of the police force that is called upon now more than ever to keep us safe; and the firefighters who serve and protect unselfishly for you.
I come from a firefighters' family. I can tell you first hand when my Dad would come home and there would be a loss of life. It affected him deeply.
And for us kids when he had to work on a holiday and we would see the neighborhood families load up in their cars to go to a picnic or a day of fun and we were left behind.
It was lonely.
So think of the kids involved and if you know one personally include them if you can. Just don't pretend they don't exist.
I will close by saying, PJ, I thank you and I am proud that you chose to wear the uniform and stand up to be counted as one who would give your life for so many people you don't know and some who don't care.
I know the plans you have for your future and understand the sacrifice you are making. Son, you are my hero and I honor you today.
Thank you. Love forever, Mom.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

I was reading the blog connected to mine about bipolarism. It really struck me how she describes almost my exact situation.
All of you know someone who is bipolar. You just may not know it yet. My diagnoses eluded me for more than two decades. I knew there was something wrong with me; getting the medical profession to agreee was another issuse entirely; one faced by anyone I've known with this illness.

I read one time that the " average " bipolar diagnosis takes 11 years. Eleven years of someones life who affects so many others is intolerable.The cost is too tremendous.
The attempted suicides and sadly those who succeed, the lost work time due to cyclying that the victim nor his employers or family realize the cause, the prescriptions wrongly medicating the incorrect illnesses, the alcoholism, the spending sprees, the drug abuse, the jail time, the reckless abandon of mania to the depths of the darkest hole of depression, the irresponsible behavior, the sexual affairs and any other consequences of the behavior of someone with this illness goes on too long. Once diagnosed there is still the battle of finding the correct combinations of drugs and correct dosages.
For me it has taken since 1999 to come up with some semblance of a workable solution to the medication issue. Of course, my trade off is that I stay groggy most of the time.
If I have an appointment I try to schedule it as early as possible in the day because I can't take my medication and drive.
A serious issue for bipolars is that once we start " to feel good again " we can go off our medication. That's why I try to strictly adhere to my dosing schedule.
And then there is the issue of the half life of the medications. And of course the funding is a real issue.
I remember a year ago in Texas being told by my county's MHMR facility that I more than qualified for their criteria but there were 300 people ahead of me. She told me she could say beyond a shadow of doubt that I would not be seen 2002 and maybe not in 2003.
However, if I had a " crisis" ( suicide attempt ) they did have an 8 bed unit that I might be able to get into.
Isn't that pitifully sad? If I were to attempt to take my own life I -might- get some help.
I was referred to an agency that paid for 2 prescriptions every 6 months at no more than $200.00 each. I was prescribed 4 medications and they were all over $300.00.
So, I could have tried to utilize that help and pay the difference except I was working 15 hours a week @$6.00 hour. You do the math and don't forget to include rent, gas, groceries, etc.
That was the best I could do as far as working was concerned.

Until the politicians understand that mental health is equally important as general health people like me will stay in this quandry.
Most of us would choose to be productive members of society and our histories show us to at least at one time having been so. We usually are very creative people.
Some people never go public even within their own families because of the stigmatism associated with mental illness.
I, personally, have suffered under the guise of misunderstanding of my illness from some of my own children. I know I am not alone.
I regret that my children grew up with a mother who manifested all the classic symptoms and went undiagnosed until they were grown.
How different their childhoods would have been. The memories they have could have been so different. I didn't want to be who I was; I just didn't know how to be diffeent.
I still have days I hate being someone w/ a mental illness but then I figure why not me?
Why me is a hopeless question. Why not me offes the probability that I may be able to do something about it.
I can become informed; go to therapy; take my medication; inform others.
Someone else may not choose those options. At one time in my life when all I could see or feel was hoplessness I tried to end it all; more than even a few times.
It isn't the answer.
So, this is one reason my blog is named as it is. It is a reflection of the different facets of who I am.
Just to be sure, I am a real person who has the experiences you read on these pages. And there are so many more. I can't be classified as just one type of person.
Once I figured that out I was able to be comfortable within my own skin. I thank God for who I am.

I stand corrected; my son reminded me its called Horehound tea. Doesn't that sound delightful! He and I talk about some of the craziest things. We try to gross each other out a lot.What a wonderful connection we have! The mother/son bond knows no bounds!

Have you ever really studied a restaurant menu and pondered over the descriptions? A " happy " combination of... A " delightful " whatever.." tickle your taste buds".
Next time you eat out check the menu and see what you come up with. Have any of these descriptions causd you to pick an item over another? Not me. I go for what the ingredients are and I couldn't care if they were delightful or happy.
I've never had MY tastebuds tickled. I wonder if I should bring this to the attention of management next time!

I waitressed as one of my many clever career moves in my day. I remember walking into a Denny's one time and " asking to part of their family"! We ate there often and the girls knew my sense of humor. I have to say that advertisement won me over. It wasn't the fact that I had 4 small children and the lights, gas water and phone were threatened to be cut off or the furniture to be reposessed; no I wanted to be part of the Denny's family!
Then I fell 3 months later and when I went about the business of trying to collect worker's comp Denny's disowned me. What a family; not unlike my birth family.

We have had 2 girls that are the daughters of my kids friend staying with us for the weekend. The Mom went on a singles outing to Virginia Beach w/ their church.
They are good little girls (5 and 4 ) but you mix in our 5 yr old and what do you get? A lot of giggling at bedtime and a lot of nit picking during the day. I told Jennie last night it reminded me of when I was raising all of mine and I did child care. ( another slick carreer move on my part ) Actually, I loved doing the child care when I did it. I look back now and don't know how I did it.
I was a well oiled machine back then and probably a liitle more than manic.I kept a spotless house and had a curriculum I followed and had lots of outside stuff.
I had a color coded system. Each child was designated a color and that color went for everything. No fighting over I want that color.
Each child had a designated spot for their naptime and no fighting over that issue.
Each child was equal so no fighting over one got more than another.
I had certain games, activities, movies etc., that were only brought out on rainy days. That way they were fresh each time. I rotated toys every 2 weeks.I had 4 boxes so they only played with specific toys for 2 weeks and it was 2 months until they saw those toys again.
I had certain rules and they had to be followed or I wouldn't care for your child. They were pretty simple begining w/ You had to want to interview me and spend time at my home before you chose me as your sitter. Believe it or not, I did have mothers that wanted to just drop their children off sight unseen based on someone else's reccomendation. However flattering that may be I never understoood a mother who cared so little about her chil that she would dump him off to a stranger.
Most of " my kids " never wanted to go home. They would want to spend the night and sometimes I did let them.
I ususally bought a new toy or game or movie each weekend ( sometimes all 3 ) so they were excited to come on Mondays to see what was new. And we always had new activities w/ the curriculum.
On Fridays they got a special treat to take home if they " were good" all week. That meant I didn't have to do time out more than once each day. I strictly adhered to it because if I would have given in it would have lost its specialness.
People would come to visit even at a meal or snacktime and they would be amazed at how well behaved all the kids were.
I was pretty proud of them myself and always let them know it
Those were the days. Lots of energy and vitality. What I wouldn't give to go back to those times.
Yet, I enjoy this time in my life too. There is a satisfaction knowing you have done your job. You either did it well or you failed but that pat is over and you enjoy what you now have.

I am probably getting more like my Dad only 20 something years sooner. I don't much care what people think about me now. Boy, it sure used to bother me when I was younger. I know who and what I am and why I do what I do and if it pleases you, terific and if it doesn't its pretty much your problem because I am not going to waste too much of what time I may left to worry about it.

My worries are on the bigger pictures. Are my children and granddaughters safe and happy? Is there anything more I can do to cause them to be safe and happy? Usually not. So that is taken care of. I do have anxiety but its usually about myself personally.

I don't worry a lot about terroism for instance. I pay attention and do recognize my surroundings and if something seemed suspicious I'd report it. What it really boils down to is we as a nation have to have one collective neighborhood watch. I've been reporting suspicious behavior to authorities for years. Its up to them then to do with the info what they will. If we each do our part we al will be safer.
I worry more over the regular thugs out there. The " everyday " crime is what is closer to home. The car thefts or jackings. The rapist, burgular, the child molester or abductor. If you pay attention to these things you will notice the possible terrorist activity that might be going down in your community.
I don't recomend this but I have been known to walk up to a car in my strreet that is parked for awhile and is not usually ther and ask what they are doing.
One time a guy actually told me he was waiting for a neighbor to leave because he was having an affair w/ the wife. Knowing her, I believed him. I didn't get involved w/that one.
Usualyy, when asked someone would have a lame excuse but they would leave. And, I would call the police and give a description of the car and license when I could see it.
We never really had crime in my immmediate neighborhood.
So, there you go. I am going to close for today and wish you all a blessed day and be happy and safe.
Please don't drink and drive.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

We haven't been feeling good around here for probably about a week now. I think its allergies. My doctor gave me Flonase this time and I take Clarinex ( prescription ) and I still have the watery eyes, stuffed up head bones in the face hurting, etc.
I have become the family drug pusher. " Here, you need a heavy duty Ibuprofen?--Here, take a couple of sniffs of Flonase". I even checked the Flonase to see if the granddaughter could have some. I didn't want her to be left out.
My daughter-in-law came up w/ some concotion the other night that was supposed to help. Houndstooth Tea. OH MY GOD. I don't think I have ever tasted anything so bad in my life. I have had Vietnamese coffee and my first mother-in-laws cooking and this topped that. The stuff in the bag looks like something some farmer swept up out of his barn, if you get my drift. And it don't taste much better, my friend.

Of course its going to rain. Its a holiday weekend. And I can feel the coming attraction in my back. I used to think old people were crazy when they'd talk about their aches and pains and the weather when I was young. Now, I'm one of them. I've crossed over to the other side.
It isn't all bad. I remember my Dad saying around the time he turned 70 that he didn't care anymore what people thought. That's about the time he started wearing his " go to Hell cap " kind of like something Hemmingway wore. Yeah, dear old Dad, God rest his soul. He was a character. I miss him. I used to call him at least once a week. I lived in Texas and he lived in Ohio.
He used to worry over my phone bill. I'd tell him to quit worrying over my damn bill and talk to me. He's been gone past 9 years now.
I think I got to ask him everything I wanted to. We talked a lot about what it was like to get old.
See, I never thought my Dad was old, just getting older. He said it was hell to get old.
Everyone wanted him to quit smoking. He told me sometime in that last year, " I gave up drinking. I hadly cuss anymore. Barely have sex. Don't eat out like I used to. Hell, I gotta have one vice!" Yep. That was Dad.
He and I had a pact. If there was an afterlife I wanted him to visit once in awhile through the scent of yellow roses. Well, I can't tell you the times I've smelled roses and there were no flowers anywhere.I would end up with an answer that I searching for. I never realized until a couple of years ago that yellow roses would smell like white ones or red ones. I just told him yellow because that was his favorite and I lived in Texas and you all know the State song, The Yellow Rose of Texas.

I hope everyone has a fun, safe holiday weekend. Please, don't drink and drive.

Friday, May 23, 2003

I wasn't able to blog for a few days. Dan finally figured out that one of us ( maybe me) blocked a " cookie " that was necessary. So I'm back.

This morning Keisha decidd she wanted me gone. So I told her I still loved her even if she didn't love me but I wouldn't be available to help her if she needed me because I was gone.
So off and on I would hear " Nana " but I ignored it. Eventually, her Dad talked to her and explained that maybe she needed to apologize. She did and as we say, everthing is different. We start all over again.

I remember learning in therapy awhile back that you have the power to start your day all over again as many times as you need to. Same thing.

I have had a little depression lately. There are some things going on here that are out of my control and I wish I could help. Also, I realized that 2 years ago around this time I lost 2 friends. One had been a coworker married for only three months, 2 weeks away from joining her new husband in Germany who was in the army killed in a car crash by a drunk driver. Heidi will forever be in my hat. She was the type of person that lit up a room. She was Filipino and had only been in the States for 5 years but she spoke
English as well as anyone. She had a Las Vegas wedding w/ the Elvis impersonator because that was so " American ". Her husband had a month's leave when they got married so when she returned to work she used to slip out when it was our break time and take him breakfast in bed.
Her funeral was the saddest I ever attended. She was 23 years old.
Why do people drink and drive? I have no use for a drunk, I'm sorry.

Then a couple of weeks after Heidi died I got a phone calll that my best friend ( only true friend ) had died suddenly from cancer. She was diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks. We were the same age.We had known each other since first grade. We went through the thick and thin together if only by mail sometimes.
When she got married he was in the Air Force so they were all over the world.
I wrote a poem for her a few months back. Maybe I will blog it one of these days. I really miss her.
She just accepted me as I was.
Its got me crying again.
Then I've ben remembering an incident that happened to one of my daughters about 12 years ago.
She was abducted and kidnapped and taken to an undisclosd location for over 8 hours and brutalized, totured and repeatedly raped all the while bound and blindfolded w/ ducttape. She was then put back into the vehicle and dumped on the side of a road. The detectives said they don't know why she wsn't killed.
Her attackers were never found;altough she gave a lot of information she knew from smell, touch and hearing.
We, to this day don't know if it was a random act or was it someone who knew us.
I was not told right away. She did have the courage to go on TV and give information w/her voice scrambled and face distoted. Right away I knew it was her by the way shespoke certain words. Her youngest brother ws in the room w/ me and he figured it out also even though he was only 5. I told him he was wrong that his oldr brother would have let us know. They were roommates. Her little brother was getting terribly upset and I was inside myself but had to remain calm for him.
The incident happened on a Sunday night and she went public Thursday but it wasn't until Sunday after church in K-Mart parking lot that I found out by a mutual friend of theirs that it was indeed my daughter.
I fell to my knees. No mother should ever have to find out that kind of news that way.
I went to their apartment and baged on the door until her brother answered the door and all I could say was why didn't YOU tell me? His answer was she didn't want him to. I slapped him across the face.
I have had a strained relationship with both of them since.
As a family we ventured out to try to identify who these monsters were and find out any information we could go on; we did more than the Sherrif's office did. To this day it is one of only a few unsolved cases in that location.
I don't know that I will ever not be able to think about it. Tooo many trust issues were broken. No closure. My child was almost murdered and I am supposed to remain silent because the majority don't want to talk about it.
I am angry. I am sad. I am disguted and disappointed. I have lost all faith in the criminal justice system.Facts show that whoever did this had a military or police background. The very people I trained her to believe would have protected her quite possibilly be who injured her. There were 2 of them
Imagine; two people that plotted this type of crime together. And then acted on it. There was a little boy in the vehicle somewhere that she could hear screaming, " Daddy, don't hurt that lady". So some father, mother, grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, babysitter, teacher knows something. That child would be about 18 today.
I have always prayed for him as well as my daughter wondering how witnessing that kind of violence affected him and shaped his life.

I know this is a tough subject but its real and it did happen and there were consequences. And, unfortunately, crimes of that nature happen every day and people witness something and turn their heads because they don't want to get involved.
Well, if you've read this maybe its had an impact on you and if you do witness something in the future you will get involved so some mother 12 years later doesn't still have to look into her rear view mirror with fear if a car has been following for awhile or she gets hang up phone calls and wonders if it migfht be them. Or, loooks into the face of every man she knows and wonders if its him.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day.The sun is shining and it is maybe 70 degrees. We are supposed to get a storm tonight, though. I am just enjoying this while its available.

This morning before she left for school Keisha told me she had a dream. In it her Dad got arrested and had to go to jail. I asked her how long was he going to be in jail. She answered for 54 years. I told her that I was glad it ws only a dream because if it was true he wouldn't be able to come to her birthday party. ( being invited to her birthday party is a big deal ). Then I told her all the other things he would miss. She wasn't too happy about that.
I'm not sure what his offense was but it was probably because he teased her too much! I'm surprised I wasn't arrested too.
I told her that I get up before she goes to school just so I can aggravate her!

Yesterday, she told me she didn't like Dragontails anymore. So today I told her we would have to turn the TV off when it came on. She changed her mind. She likes Clifford.
She thinks her dog, Jake is like Clifford. And she calls Emily Elizabeth, Emidee Rizabef.

Last night she came in my room and sat in the chair. I was reading a letter. She asked me what was I thinking about. I told her that I was reading this letter. She says, " No, what are you thinking about?" I answered the same thing. She got disgusted with me and walked away and said," you don't get it." I guess I didn't.
Before she left I said, " Keisha, is there something you want to talk about with me?" She just walked out.

I was thinking when we move to put this chair in the living room but maybe I should keep it in my room because she comes in everyday to talk to me and so does Dan.
It is a comfortable chair and I guess its kind of like the sounding board.
Keisha comments all the time, " Nana, I like your room."
In the past month she grown attached to me and its very sweet. It is a special bond. I love her very much.

Jake scratched her ankle yesterday and she came in the house really crying. ( she can be so sorrowful and mournful) I asked her what was wrong and she told me. She had her baby washcloth tied around her ankle. I asked if I could help her by putting medicine on it and she said yes.
So I got some witch hazel and dabbed a little on some tissue and rubbed all around her ankle. I couldn't see where he scratched her but I didn't tell her that. She said Jake di it on purpose. I had to keep from laughing.I told I thought it was probably an accident and Jake was probably sorry.
When she felt she had enough attention she went back outside and sat on the bench with her Dad and he diverted her attention by making up a story and then I told her how there were so many frogs that would come in my yard at night and during the day we had little lizards ( skinks ) that would crawl around on the trees and walways and they would change colors depending on where they were.
Then it was time to eat and the ankle problem never surfaced again.

I just talked to my ex-husband in Texas. He is waiting on the airconditioning man to show up. Their low was 80 degrees last night. My youngest daughter is doing well in college. I am really proud because she has learning disabilities. Her goal is to get all the English and Math courses out of the way before she starts nursing school.
Plus she works ful time. She is a pretty terrific lady. She is mad at me and hasn't spoken to me in a few months and I'm not sure what I did wrong. I think it was that I moved back to Ohio.
I E-mail her at least once a week and let her know I love her.

My youngest son is in the Navy. He was planning on getting married in December but found out he will be shipped to Japan later this year and she won't be able to go with him. Personally, I think this could be good because I am not sure she has the maturity needed to be married yet. I've known her a long time. She usd to work for me and that is how they met. She has trust issues which is a problem within herself that she needs to address and work out.But, I love her too.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Personality Plus

Hey Mom, it's me again. I found a link to the book you mentioned earlier over at It's written by Florence Littauer. I think we still have our copy.

We went out to eat Friday night at the " all you can possibly get down steak " Golden Corral. On the way there I sat in the back w/ Keisha. Again, she started a story of her family when she grows up. As she began I started humming and she told me I couldn't make any noise while she was talking. I kept it up and then began to ask questions as she was telling her story. I love to do that because she will come up with some real funny answers.

While we were waiting ( there was a long line ) she decided she would be the line leader. She got a little bossy and her Mom had to take her outside and talk to her. I think my kids are terrific parents because they do discipline her when she needs it. Sometimes I inadvertantly get her in trouble and I feel bad about it. Like they tell me and they are right she needs to know what's right and wrong.

She has displayed a few undesirable gestures lately that I know she has picked up at school. Jennie and I even talked about it and we can almost figure out who she learned it from by the way some of the kids live.

Why is it that kids will pick up what you don't want them to know? Mine did it too. Or, you could be available half the day but they will wait until you are on the phone to ask you 17 questions. Mine would also send notes under the bathroom door while I was in there. They would have a box to check off yes or no. They even got smarter and finally only had a box for yes.

I remember working when the 2 little ones were babies, the youngest only 3 months old. I'd come home to find a note that said, " Mom, the reason the window is laying in the backyard is Stephanie and I were practicing a fire drill and when we went to push the window it fell out. Love, your son, Danny "
I went into the backyard and there it was, the entire window, frame and all. I couldn't get into the room because they had put towels in front of the door " to block out the smoke." I had to crawl through the opening and pull away the towels to get the door open. Then I had to try to lift the window and get it back in place and nail it back together.

Another time I found a note that said, " the reason I had to punch Steph was ...." or " the reason I had to punch Danny was.... They had to leave for school about an hour after I had to leave for work. I guess they weren't really old enough to be left alone but I had no other solution at the time.

Dan said I shuld relate some of my funny experiences in my blog. That is probably true. You all probably think I have no sense of humor. I really do. In fact, Keisha tells us we pick on her. Sometimes we get banished in some way because we tease her. Dan mentioned last night about her temperament being choleric/ sanguine. I looked at him and said, you know that almost sounds like bipolar! If you don't know what I'm talking about read Personality Plus. I forget the author but I know it's a woman. She explains about the 4 temperaments and there is a test ( no right or wrong answers). You will then see which of the four you are or a combination. The goal is to incorporate all 4 into your personality. By learning this as you meet people you will immediately know which temperament they ar and how to deal with them.

My echo came back that I have a faulty mitral valve. Not to worry now she says but maybe in the future. She gave me a prescription for antibiotics to be taken an hour before any dental procedure. It seems that is a concern because bacteria could be introduced into the bloodstream and attach itself to the valve and then its a serious problem. Could be fatal.

She is going to refer me to a pain specialist. That is good. And I may have to have a hysterectomy. She is going to check me out further next month. Probably order an ultrasound. I tried not to act too excited. Not that I would look forward to surgery but to be rid of the pain and associated things. By the time you reach my age you are finished with all that as far as the use of your uterus. I have said for years, "if there is any doubt that God is male think about this. A female God would have a uterus with Velcro so when you were done with it you could just pull it out and throw it away"!

I had a doctor tell me a few years ago that I would miss all that. I told him he was crazy and that only a male doctor would come up with something like that. Just as the couple female doctors I've had over the years will run hot water over the speculum before using it for a pap smear test a male doctor would not understand why that would be important.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Saturday, May 17, 2003

It's Not All In Your Head

This recent article in MSNBC about fibromyalgia discusses recent developments.

Bipolar, Manic-Depressive Links

Hi, Mom. It's me, your son. I found a couple more links that you might be interested in checking out:

Friday, May 16, 2003

Some good news. It looks like both Dan and Jennie may have found employment. And, I've decided to look for positives if we have to move to an apartment. Everything will have to have a place and everything in its place.
Keisha will probably have kids her age to play with. Right now where we live there are no kids her age and I know she gets lonely for playmates. It would help her to further develop social skills to be around kids her age. And wouldn't it be really nice if she could find a "best" friend that she can play with and share thoughts as well as toys?
She has friends through church but she doesn't get to see them everyday.
There would probably be a playground where she could climb and swing, etc. As it is now she has to go to a park to have that and it isn't feasible to do that everyday.
Some complexes have workout rooms now and that would be a benefit to me, Dan and Jennie.
Maybe I would find another grandmother who shares similar interests and I could develop a friendship. I don't desire to have a lot of " friendships" at this stage in my life.
My experience has been that I was a friend but those I thought were friends, weren't. Everyone I had in Texas turned out to have an affair with my husband.
I blame myself because i was so needy for approval and acceptance that I took what came along. I'm sure I even sought out the wrong kind of person. Not that I am excusing their behavior because I'm not and the betrayal repeated has scarred me. I am just accepting my role in it.
Moving to an apartment would mean there would be no upkeep for the yard and if something broke the management would be responsible.
Bills would be cheaper.
Of course, I feel so sad for my kids if they have to give up the house. Its everyones dream to own your home. And, that doesn't mean sometime in the future they couldn't own again. I think they just need some time to breathe. It has been really hard on them with Dan out of work almost a year. And, he has had to face he might not ever make the money he once did.
He would really like to teach. This upcoming job will be until the end of the year.I told him that can be a blessing because it gives him a chance to get his ducks in a row so when he is layed off again he can fall right into a plan to do what he needs to begin to teach.

I have another Keisha story. This morning she was reading about " Snow White and the Seven Little Boys!" Isn't that funny? She is 5 so I guess to her they looked like little boys.
She looks so cute today. Her Mom curled her hair but first put some kind of gel in it. Her Dad was sitting next to her and commented on the smell. He concluded that it must be his inner white self coming out!
There was jazz music on the radio and Keisha decided to dance. But, she was a few tempos ahead of the beat so we said it was inner dark white self coming out. She was more like a rock star than a jazz singer.
Last night she came in my room and asked if I wanted to spend time with her. I said sure thinking she meant she would climb in my bed and we would read a story. No. She wanted to go camping. So she spent about 10 minutes gathering all the material she needed to go camping. She spent about 10 minutes if that long playing. The only thing I did was put a cover over my chair and told her it could be a cave. She went into the cave, got scared because there were spiders and decided not to play anymore.
So much for us spending time together!
Today I go back to the doc to find out the results of my echocardiogram. I pray it is OK. If it isn't I will deal with it as I have everything else in my life.
I want to talk to her about all the pain in my back. I don't think it is all fibromyalgia. Sometimes it feels like bone on bone. And I have limited range of motion.
I did find my denial papers from Social Security from last year. My therapist says they have people there that help you fill out the paperwork and guide you through the steps. She says I should receive it. That would be a blessing to have some income of my own coming in.
She sys if its approved it goes back to when I originally filed. I could get a good car. I presently drive a 1983 Nissan Maxima. I named her Maxine. Maxine and I have been to hell and back however at some point in the future she will have to retire. Right now the drivers side window doesn't go down so if I go someplace that requires it I pull up a little further open the door and get out. For instance, when I go to the hospital today at the parking garage I will have to get out to get the ticket and then get out to hand it to the fella at the booth when I leave.
In the whole scheme of things its a little thing.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

I'm back. I was really tired this morning but got up early anyway so I could " aggrvate " my granddaughter! I love to tease her. It's good teasing. Sometimes she tells me I need to change my attitude! This morning she told me no, N -O. I had to keep from laughing. She kept saying she couldn't tie her shoes and I told her she could because I've seen her do it. So, I helped her with the first one and she said it was too tight. I looked at it and the tongue was mashed up. I told he that. She said, " Tongue "? I said, " yeah, your shoes have a tongue just like you do." She thought that was funny. She was going to tell her teacher. Then I told her if she used some ingenuity she could tie the other one. She finally did and her Mom had fixed her hair real cute. I told her that if she went downstairs there was a man who would think she was adorable and give her a kiss.( her Daddy)
Then I told her if any other guys asked her for a date she had to have them agree that her Dad could come along.
I always told my kids as they were growing up if they were going to do something that I would be ashamed about they probably ought not to do it. And I would tell my daughters that if a boy asked them to do something they should't just say, " sure, but first let me call my Dad and see what he thinks".
I was joking with my son this morning. We were talking about the humor we find in our respective mental illnesses.I told him he didn't have achance for a normal life. It runs on both sides for him. I told him that was the one combined gift that we agreed on. The gift that keeps on giving!!
Some kids get money, houses, cars ,etc. from their parents but we thought we'd be unique!
My sister is in the process of adopting a 5 yr. old. This will be their 2nd adoption. Ben is 18 now. He joined the Ohio National Guard. He is so much like my youngest. He was an underachiever and lazy. Then he joined the Navy and it turned him around. So, I think Ben will benefit from the military influence.He drives his mother crazy with procrastination. I think he is scheduled to go to Kosovo around the end of the year. My son is scheduled to go to the Persian Gulf at the end of the year.
He did a stint off Afganistan last year. Keep them both in your prayers as well as all our servicepeople.
Also, pray for a lady named " Debi" that I was made aware of through Mary's Hope. She needs as much prayer as any of us can give. Also, pray for Diane and Sherry as they continue their work with Mary's Hope.
I hope by my making my issues known it will encourage others with the same issues.From what I have seen in the comments I've received it almost unanimous that is the case.
I walk each day spiritually a little closer to my God. I read from my Bible everday and find the Word of God encouraging. For others, it may some other form of a higher power. For me, I couldn't imagine not having my relationship w/Jesus. He has been with me through it all and that is why I am still here. All the glory goes to HIm.
When it gets tough I think about what it must have been like for Him. Especially, when it came down to the last wek. To be ridiculed,betrayed by your closest of friends, to carry the cross that meant your own physical pain and eventual death.However, the most beautiful part was the Ressurection. He did what He said He would do. He fulfilled the prophesy throughout Scripture. And because He was willing we are offered eternal salvation. What a gift. I am so humbled by the whole story. So many times I have called out His name for help as well as praise.
I don't usually pray a structered prayer. I do use the Lord's prayer as a guideline. Think of each line and what it represents. And do you know that there is a chapter of the
Proverbs for each day of the month?
So if you don't know what to read that's a place to start. If you need prayer let me know as I do a lot of intercessory prayer. I'd be happy to add anyone to my list.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hi! I'm Myself today I think. It has been an interesting day to say the least.
I had therapy today. The place I go is remodeling and the section that I usually see my therapist was closed therefore I had to go to the other side. What a cornucopia of folks were there. There was an Elvis impersonator dressed in a bright blue shirt and slick black pants and black shoes and of course the signature hair. So, in case you are wondering Elvis IS alive and living in Dayton Ohio, USA !!! Next to him was a lady fashionably dressed if we were back in the 70's. She had on a multi-colored and flowered skirt. The colors were orange, yellow and lime green reminisent of some kitchen wallpaper in a house I lived in years ago. She had an orange top covered with an orange jacket. To complete the ensemble were her black sandals, black canvas bag w/ brown straps and lest I forget the outfit was topped off with her orange hair and vericose veins. I know the retro thing is popular but I really believe she has had this in her wardrobe as part of an original collection.The only thing she may not have had back then were the varicose veins.Across from me was a guy, mid-forties with that " hey I am on some heavy duty medication stare".Then in came a young guy, maybe mid- 20's using a walman to listen to a CD. He walked over to this guy and Had him listen to the music for a few seconds and then asked him if he liked it. The guy said yeah and the young guy said "it's rap. I thouhgt you said you didn't like rap". The older guy answered that he thought he didn't like it but maybe now he did. Then the young guy spooted one of the case managers. She is probably late20's blonde, nice figure, etc. The young guy rushes over towards her and hollers out " You look really nice today Monica". She thanked him as she hurried off. The guy comes back over and stands in front of me talking to the other guy and says, " I love Monica. Hey Bill, I love Monica. I mean I really LOVE Monica." By now, all of us in the area knew he was quite fond of Monica. I wondered where my therapist was because I wasn't in the mood to engage in conversation with fols today. There was a lady in a royal blue jogging suit that kept staring at me and I knew she wanted to talk but I didn't feel like it. Lest I forget, there was the caseworker dressed in royal purple pants, blouse and hat!
Finally, Tori came and got me.
I really connect with my therapist. We spend probably 20 minutes of my hour with her telling me stuff happening in her life. This week she had new windows put in and the window guys trampled down a lot of her flowers. Her daughter that lives near Columbus has landed a teaching job she wanted. And there was the ususal my husband is a chauvinist but I've been married to him for 30 years and I adjust and ignore!
Then we go outside when my time is up and have a smoke together. We go on the side of the building because clients aren't supposed to know their therapist smokes.
Hey, I used to be a 3 pack a day smoker and now I'm down to 1 1/2 - 2 packs a week. I was trying to quit and 2 psychriatrists told me not to since I did cut drastically back.
I have a lot of anxiety and they feel it would be worse if I try to cut back further.
Anxiety is derived from anger ( which I did not know until I was in therapy ). So we work a little each time on helping me work out some issues and I sure have enough of them.
I surprised her one session when she asked me out of everything I've had to face in my life what was I the most angry about. My answer; simple- My mental illness.
For me, it has been the most difficult to accept. Society looks down on those of us in my position. It is invisible. It doesn't require a cane or wheelchair or a helper dog.
Its effects may be visible but the illness is invisible and the majority of pwople prefer it to stay invisible.
It has alienated close family members from me. I am medication dependant and will be the rest of my life.20 years ago you could hardly get me to take an asprin. The meds make me groggy. My life is very sedentary where I used to be very active ( probably manic ).Then I have the physical ailments on top of it.
So, yes I am angry at my mental illness because it has robbed me of family and a quality of life I will only be able to have now in my memory.
But, at least it isn't cancer or some other horrible disease.
I work around the meds issue the best I can. If I have an appointment I won't take them until I get back. I try to make everything as early as I can.
And, I am finally being able to catch up on all the reading I never got around to in the early years.
I think there are only 2 or 3 Fern Michaels books I have yet to read. Then I will have to choose another author.
Does anyone reccomend an author or is there a book you have/are reading that is interesting to you?
My grandaughter is so much fun. Tonight we danced like we were married! ( her words ) Then she had to teach me to swing around the way she wanted because she was the man. Earlier, I wa in my room on the bed reading and had one knee up with the bok kind of resting on it. She came in and pushed my knee down and said, There, you feel better now". Then she blew Keisha kisses all over my room so no monsters could get me. Then she said she'd be back in 5 minutes to check on me! And she did. And then again in another 5 minutes! She had given me a card on Saturday to help me feel better. ( she made it ) on her 3rd trip in she took the card and said, " Sorry Nana. I have to give this to Ms. Jean ". (her teacher). I thought that was so funny. I want to remember al this so as grows up I can tell her the funny things she did.
I have discovered she likes me to tell stories of when I was growing up or sometimes she wants me to make up " once upon a time stories". And I do posses an imagination.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Hi! It's Me, I think. I am kind of sad today. My son has been out of work ( software engineer- computer programmer ) since last June except for a several week stint around the holidays last year.
Today they had to face some tough decisions. It looks like they will have to sell their house.As a Mom I feel so terrible and inadequate. That's the humanness in me speaking because we are believers and I know God has a plan.
He is in control, not us. I am unable to work but try to help w/ housework and take care of my granddaughter when needed.I just wish I could do more.
I go to therapy tommorow. The last time we touched on the idea of me filing for Social Security Disability. I applied about 1 1/2 years ago and was denied.I've since learned everyone is denied the first time. I should have appealed. I am not savvyon this type of stuff.
We will probably move to an apartment. There are advantages.
Friday I go back to MD to find out results from echocardiagram. There is a history in my family of a certain cardiomyopathy. I am a little anxious about that. I have 2 brothers and a nephew on transplant lists.
I am into a new book. It is called " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger " which has been my anthem for years.
It's a positive thinking self-help book with exercises that help you to adjust to life changing events.
It has been helping me in various areas. I would reccomend it.
Soon, I will pick up my latest Fern Michaels book that I haven't gotten to yet. Once in awhile I need to read a book like that to reenergize. You know, something to get lost in for awhile.
I think this is going to be it for today.
I had to drive to the other side of Dayton this morning and got lost coming home. I've lived here for about 6 months but my scope of venturing out is limited.
Hope everyone is well.
Remember Mary's Hope in your prayers.

Monday, May 12, 2003

We are all fighting allergies or something here.We've had a lotof rain last week and high winds through the weekend and today.
A book I want to reccomend to Adult Survivors is " The Wounded Heart " by Dan Allender.
It has helped me a lot to better understand this issue and gives encouragement to Survivors. In one chapter he tells of having to counsel someone and through this particular case he discovered he too was a victim. It was not an outwardly overt act commited on him so he never made the association.
It changed his whole counseling methods, etc.
There are some who will say, let the past be in the past.
Oh, if it were so easy. All of us or at least most of us will agree that we did forget for a period of time and then something or someone acted as a catylist to remember.There were 2 events that stand out for me.
#1- I was grocery shopping and I reached for a box of jello and out of nowhere a memory came back to me. I put it aside because it was too terrible to think about.
# 2- About 2 years later one of my sisters was visiting with me and mentioned to me she believed she had been molested by a specific family member. I almost dropped what was in my hand. It was the same person I had the memory of 2 years previous. I never told anyone of that experience.
So, the mind allows us to forget until its ready to deal with it and then its in bits and pieces.
Does a holacaust survivor forget what happened to them? Does a soldier ever forget what he saw or had to do in combat? Does any crime victim forget what happened to them?
I related to someone that 21 years ago we were involved in a near fatal car crash where someone had crossed the center line. It was rainy and a sharp curve in the road.
I was hurt the most.For a year I could not drive that strech of road and after that if it ws raining I wouldn't go near it.It was a couple of years until I faced that fear and forced myself to do it. I also began to be proactive and helped the county see that it needed to be widened and the severity of the curve needed to change.
I am now more of a " get in your face " person over issues that are important to me.
When I was first diagnosed bipolar my family didn't want me talk about it. Like it was going to go away if we ignored it. It had always been there, we just didn't know it.
I disagreed with my family. Until people like me attempt to educate people like you mental illnes will always have the stigma that it does.
Some of my children ostracised ( sp) me because of it. They never wanted to be educated about the illness. What they failed to realize is it is genetic so any/all of them may have inherited the gene. So there is anotherexample of "not thinking about it " while it does exist.
I have an odd sense of humor. Friend will say "you're crazy". I always answer " you bet and I have papers to prove it!".
I poke fun at myself all the time. I can look back and remember manic times and laugh at myself. I did some real crazy things thinking at the time it made perfect sense.
I'd buy $ 300.00 of food and not pay the light bill. My brain was not functioning as it was supposed to. It didn't make the connection that if I didn't pay the light bill and the electric was shut off then everthing in the fridge and both freezers was going to spoil and the stove wouldn't work so how was I going to cook the food in the first place?
There are some other crazy stories.
Did you know you can drive a car with a flat for 15 miles if you think Satan has contol over your car? Just put it on cruise control and pray the whole time.!!
Did you know you can drive an old VW bug about 50 miles on fire because you don't have any money on you to get home.My goal was to get as close to home as possible because I would have to walk the rest of the way. I got it home and parked. I walked in the house and told my husband at the time he may want to go check the car as it had been on fire for awhile.!!
Yes, that is why I named this Me, Myself and I and my E-mail address is crazymaggiemay. I have many facets to myself.
My first husband constanly told me I had a split personality. One day I decided not to fight him about this anymore and go along with it.I named the other one Nora. So if I did something he didn't like I just look at him and say I don't know what you are talking about. Maybe Nora did it. He would get so infuriated.
So, that's it for now. I may come back latr in the day. Or, maybe it will be Nora!

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Good Morning and Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there. Boy do I know that we can be unsung heroes over the years of raising our kids.
This morning Dan and Keisha made breakfast for Jennie and me. Dan even taught Keisha how to make the coffee and she did an excellent job.
Of course, you know there is a funny story coming.
Keisha wanted Jennie and I to play school and write words on these pieces of paper she brought out. I didn't want to. Then she had a litle book she was writing letters in. She laid next to me and walked away. She told me not to write in it. So, I took the crayon and made a little line under her letters. She came back and told me I was in big trouble. I told her it was just a little line and you could barely see it. She told me I had to change my attitude!
Then she decided to give me a manicure for Mother's Day. I already had painted my nails so I asked if she would do my toes instead. she thought for a minute and then got a cloth and wet it attempting to clean my toenails.( I have a fungus in my big toenails and she doesn't even like to look at them). She " cleaned" my toes and then found a polish she wanted to use. ( Only a Nana would do this) conjure up this picture in your head-" Ruby Slippers " yes, as in Dorothy, Wizard of Oz. You have it! So she proceeded to paint my toenails emphasing a large drop on the big toenails. This was a huge gift from her. So, I now have deep, blood red toenails and parts of my feet coveed in Ruby Slippers! Later, I went outside thinking they may dry faster. Today we are having a lot of wind. We have had some pretty bad weather in the last 24 hours.
Well, its so windy that honeysuckles are falling off the trees and littering the driveway. ( I know honeysuckle grows on bushes but these are so big they turned into trees.)
So then the honeysuckle was sticking to my toenails. I do not have a lot of mobilityor range of motion. Here I was trying to bend down and remove these from my toes without falling on my behauncus! ( That is a word my youngest daughter came up with when she was small) Mission accomplished.

Adding to yesterday's blog I want to add that it is a fight worth fighting for to the end. I've worked on this issue by myself for my entire adult life. It was always there in everything I did.I was probably too protective of my kids becaus my mission was that what happened to me would never happen to them.
If I had it to do over I would still be the same way. I learned to trust my instincts that if something didn't feel right it wasn't.
I have like a sixth sense about people probably from an innate state of observation as a child. I was always looking for the signs that it would happen again. And it did; over and over.
I wa told never to tell because I wouldn't be believed. At 41 years old I told my Dad this coming out of an issue relating to my oldest daughter. I don't know that I will tell that story yet but it was a horrendous experience for her. My abuse started when I was 4 or that is my earliest recollection of it. My Dad chose not to believe me. All those years later and my abusers were correct. Not being believed does not mean it didn't happen. It just means that I wasn't believed by a person who was supposed to be my protecter.
Its easier to not believe than to have to deal with the issue.
So it was just another form of isolation that had been there in place all those years.
For years I carried guilt for so many issues one of them being that I was told if I allowed this to happen to me They would " leave the little ones alone". I don't know if I can put into words the horror I felt when one sister revealed to me it had happened to her. I felt I had failed her, them. and I had failed at so many things as a daughter, sister, wife mother, friend. Or I thought so. My judgement was clouded.My faith was rocked to the core.
Eventually, I learned that my faith was all I had. So the work was in progress to rebuid it. Now, its pretty solid but I went through my episodes that I felt God had abandoned me. I went through the episodes of maybe I deserved all the wrong that came to me.And there was plenty.
So if you think I don't know how it feels, yes, I do.
I could probably tell you how you feel by knowing where you are in this walk.I've made my share of poor choices over the years. Some of it is related to being bipolar and some of it is relating to the sexual abuse and you mix it up and you end up with one screwed up person.
I remember when I made a serious suicide attempt in1999 at the physciatric hospital all the doctors, nurses, clinicians, therapists related to my case looked at me after me answering a barrage of questions one of the doctors said," we are not surprised you are here. What surprises us is what took you so long?".
I didn't know how to answer that except to say I didn't want " them" to win.
There are those of you who will understand what I am saying.There will be those who can relate to what I've said but don't know how to begin the fighting process.
Well, this is how I figured it. There isn't anything fair or pretty about fighting. It's ugly. War is not fair and it is ugly. What happened to us wasn't fair or pretty. If I'm going to be scarred up over this I decided that they were going to be scarred up to.
I was going to fight back. That meant I was going to attempt to hanle my healing in as healthy of a way as I knew how. I couldn't do it alone.
For me, I needed God's help.
Society never thinks or even knows the largest healing needs to be within the soul because that is the essence of YOu. It is who you are . It is the God within me.That is why sexual abuse goes unnoticed because no one wants to address the real issue which is your soul was violated.
If you contract a STD from it they give you medicine. If you get screwed up from it eventually most of us end up becoming some kind of psychiatric stastistic but who addresses the REAL issue?
That's the part of the person I am talking about/to.Until that part of you even knows it needs to heal you cover it up with alcohol, drugs, medication, crime, etc.
And there is an element of you out there that have been abused and don't even know it because it was in a benign manner.
Were you uncomfortable about someone's sense of humor because it always related to sexual issues and in a crude way? you were violated. Did someone "come on to you" in a way that made you feel uncomfortable? You were violated. Did you ever experience someone who just wouldn't leave you alone no matter what you said or did? You were violated.
These are examples of abuse that the general public does not associate with abuse and yet the victim has now experienced a puncture in his/her soul that they may not be aware is there but it does, in fact, exist.
I mentoned the 2 women yesterday, but forgot to mention the organization they represent. It's Mary's Hope. They can be reached by
They are basically it- Diane and Sherry. They are trying to educate adult survivors that there is hope and train those that are farther in their healing to help those that are begining.
That is a resouce available to you. In a later blog I will give the name of a couple books that are excellent on this subject.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Those of you who visit my blog by now know that I love to share, some of you might say bore you with ( just don't ever let me hear it! ) stories of my grandaughter. She is an inter-racial ( aren't we all? ) child. She looked in the mirror and as if seeing for the first time she exclaimed, " Mommy, I'm dark white!"!!
We all just busted up. She was serious. Well, what could we do but agree with her.
She, being hearing impaired, comes up with some funny things with how she hears something. She came home one day from school and said the lady stood in front of the stage and said we COULD play outside because it was raining. I looked at her and said, " Keisha, that doesn't make sense to Nana." " Did you go outside and play?"
No. And she was quite disappointed. I told her I thought maybe the lady said they could not go outside because it was raining. She insisted, quite indignantly, I might add, that I was wrong. Well, I could have been but I don't think so.

Today, I am going to touch on a subject that many will wish I wouldn't. If this subject bothers you then by all means go to another blog. However, maybe it bothers you because I hit a nerve.
I am aan incest survivor. I won't go into all the details but I had more than one abuser. Today, I met with 2 remarkable women from Colorado who are in this area doing work on this subject.
Today, I am talking to the ones who need and want to hear what I have to say. Some may say with all the recent headlines from the Catholic Priests abusing young people why do we need to hear about this again. It isn't just the priest; its anyone, somewhere.
I want the ones who need to hear what I have to say to really hear me. IT'S NOT YOUR SIN. You didn't cause this. You couldn't stop it.But you did do something heroic. You survived! I believe you. Each victim has their own personal story and their own issues. Your story is unique because you are unique.
I am talking to the dark hole that is in your soul which has been consumed with shame, guilt, anger, hurt, revenge, fear and rage. Maybe you never even made the connection before. It's time to heal. I believe IN you. I won't promise that it will be easy. It will probably be the hardest work in your life. I ask you to think about this; what is your alternative?
I know where you are. I've been there . I am just a little farther ahead. I will listen because I know you need to be heard.And there are many of you out there.
That is the sad part. There are so many of us; too many of us.
You have a voice now. Use it. By keeping your secret you have empowered your abuser(s). Now, empower yourself. I will help you if you want.
There is a place in your soul that has been ripped open;flapping, hemoraghing.That's the part that so many fail to recognize needs to be addressed.
Your soul is YOU. Do you understand?
There is a God ( I choose to believe in God but you can call the knowledge whatever you are comfortable with) and He knows the secret you have held inside. He even knows what you can't remember, maybe never will. In Matthew6 God tells us what He knows about us and how He will provide for us. We just have to get out of the way and let Him.
You may even be asking, " Why me?" I used to and then it occurred to me one day, why not me? I wish it hadn't happened yet I choose to take my lemons and make lemonade.
Jesus asked His Father in the Gardn, " WHY has thou forsaken me?" But, he goes on to say " Your will, not mine be done".
So, why not me? Am I more special or unique than Jesus was?
Why didn't God hear me when I cried out? I don't know the answer. I think maybe it was that this was part of a plan for other good.
God doesn't create evil only good. This I do know. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
Had I not had my experiences I couldn't know what you are feeling.
If you choose you can contact me at my E-mail address:

Friday, May 09, 2003

Today, I am so tired and groggy. I had checked out a book from the library about manic-depression. Kind of interesting but hard to keep reading. It was more a manual for clinicians, etc. I did, however, find out WHY I stay tired. Most of my medicatiions have a half life of 20 hours or more. Some of these I take up to 3X a day.
I guess they (docs ) know what they are doing.
My Keisha is really precious. At lunch today she was telling me about seeing one of her classmates at the audiologist. He has a cochlear implant. I asked her if she thought she would want one if it helped her hear better. She said, no. ( I think she is afraid of the operation, understandably so). She said anyway he still signs. So she taught me a couple more which I hope I remember.
Her 2nd toothcame out yesterday. I asked her if the tooth fairy came last night. Nope. So I slipped into her room and put a dollar under her pillow. I came back to the table and said to her that maybe she should check again since we had so much rain last night maybe she couldn't come. Maybe she came while she was gone to see Ms. Joanne
( audiologist ). Well guess what! She did come! She has this toy that shines red so she had to check it all out. I explained that the picture on the front was of our President, George Washington. She tried to tell her Dad but got it jumblrd up. She said,"wait a minute" came back to me to say it in her ear again and then she got it right.
She is funny sometimes but she has a choleric temperment. Her parents have to keep on her. They are great parents. Both my granddaughters have terrific parents. My oldest daughter is a single Mom and she done very well in her situation.
When she was 12 I put the mother's curse on her. You know the one, I hope you grow up and have a child just like you. Well, she did!
I feel so bad for all the tornado and flood victims. I went through a flood in '94 and lost just about everything we owned. My hugest regret is that I lost just about all the pictures.
I tell everyone now, put them in Ziplockbags or Tupperware and have an adress/Phone# in with it in case they are blown away they can be brought back to you.
I really reccomend Tupperware. Anything that was in Tupperware floated and whatever was inside was dry.
( No I don't sell Tupperware; it just happens to live up to its reputation.)
Anything that was in Rubbermaid or some other brand was compromised.
So, along with that if you get doubles made be sure to give the extras away so if you lose all yours you will have a resource to get them back.
We had 5 ft. of water and couldn't get back into the house for 4 days so what the water didn't get the moisture did.
Another subject but equally important. Check your smoke detectors and practice a fire drill in your home. Have a designated place outside that everonee knows to go to and STAY there. Do not go back in for any reason.
My Dad was a firefighter for 32 years and two husbands were volunteer firefighters. I formed 2 auxilliaries.
I really am a stickler for safety issues.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Keisha is officially enrolled in the school we wanted for kindergarten!! It's a year round proram which we feel will be terrific for her.
I have been reminicing(?sp) about some of the cute things she has done. I remember back in the winter one day she was learning about the letter "Q". That night we were having taquitos. I said,"Keisha, did you know there is "Q" in taquitos. She looked surprised and looked into her taquito and said " I don't see it". We cracked up and of course she didn't understand why we were laughing. Her Dad explained it to her.
Last night we were in the backseat and I don't remember how it all started but she decided to pretend she broke my right hand. So I played along and brought up situations that I was now going to need help. She wasn't going to help me except to hand me a washcloth if I closed the shower curtain because she did not want to see my body!
She then decided she maybe could get my slacks out of the bottom drawer of the dresser for me. About this time we arrived at the restaurant. I pretended to wonder how I was going to eat. She then said, " It's fixed. It was only broke for 17 minutes!!
She liked our waitress therefore she was invted to her birthday part in July. If she likes you, you will be invited to her party.The bus driver in the afternoon has been invited, for instance.
Did anyone watch Oprah the last two days? It was about transgendering or some name like that.
My question is if you know all your life you feel you really are the oppsite sex why marry someone and then stay married 20 years and have children?
I feel it was/is selfish of these people to do this. I mean I really think its wrong and I consider myself to be a compassionate person.
Watching that show made the people I see at my therapy office to be not ill.
And I see some pretty kooky people.
I am enjoying the sprintime. Its just been very rainy so it affects my back.
I have really enjoyed reading Barbara Bush's Memoir.I thought she was a terrific first lady.
My sister may be adopting a little girl. That's kind of exciting to me. DJ will be the youngest member of the clan.
I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters. I am the middle child,5th of 9. There would have been 10 but my first brother was stillborn. My mother, God rest her soul, never got over that loss. I think it affected my parents to where nowadays they would have received counseling.Back then,62 years ago it just wasn't discussed. It was a shame too as I think my mother would have benifitted from a support group and counseling.Both my parents and my siblings suffer from depressive issues. Some admit it, some don't. We are not a close family at all.
My parents were both only children. I think they coped the best they knew how but unfortunately tit wasn't good enough.I suffered through a lot of trauma due to them being inadequate.
Anyway, that's enough about that for awhile.
So that is wh My granddaughters bring me so much happines. One I don't really get to see and the other I live with.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Today, Jennie surprised me . She had asked if I wanted to go with her to run a couple of errands. I was laying down because my back and hip were hurting and it felt like it was going to be an episode of sciatia. I haven't had that in awhile and wasn't looking forward to another episode.
When I declined she looked disaappointed and said she'd wait a little while to see how I felt.
I felt bad that I might have disappointed her and was thinking of a way I could try to go with her. I saw my cane and thought maybe if I used it I could go. I went out aand told her this.
So away we went. We drove alittle ways and ended up at a clothing store. I thought maybe she was getting something for Keisha. After we went inside she said," Happy Mothers' Day"! She helped me find something. It was a difficult decision. Shorts. Jeans or a dress ? I finally decided to get a nice dress to wear to church. She threw in some new undies too!
Then we ended up at a beauty shop. I thought maybe she was going to get some hair products or something. No, she was going to pay for me to get a haircut. I haven't cut my hair for about 3 years so it was long. I usually just pulled it into a ponytail. She certainly surprised me.
Later, Keisha wanted me to make up a story. About Barbie! Jennie asked Keisha if Nana told great stories. She answered with, " NO, just good ones."
The honesty of little ones is precious.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Last night I had the best time with Keisha. She makes up the best stories and I go along with it and egg her on!
She is going to get married and have 4 kids like I did.At first I couldn't come over because I would be too old and she didn't want old people at her house. Then i Told her that her Mom and Dad would be older so decided I could come, but, I had to drive myself.What if I couldn't see so well? Maybe it would be OK for my son to drive me over.
I wanted to come 3 x a week but she said only 1 time and I would have to bring my own ketchup ( she drowns her food in ketchup). I told her I would be a guest and should have ketchup for her guests to use if they wanted to and I also wanted hot sauce. She said OK to that, reluctantly.
Her husbands' name is either going to be " Uncle or Dan". ( Dan is her Dad's name.)
She is going to have a dog and cat. The dog is going to be named " Icky " ( her Grandpa in INdiana has a dog named Icky ). The cat is going to be named " Sagwa" ( the PBS show).
She is going to live in an apartment that looks like a house.
I can't rememeber the rest but she was very entertaining. She likes to slip in my room and we just "chat" for a few minutes. I am happy about this because I can envision her older and confiding in me. We have a "secret" sign. It's the sign name for angel. I always make the I love you sign and kiss my fingers and blow them to her and she catches them and does the same to me ;unless she doesn't like me at that time.
I also go in her room at night and blow " Nana " kisses all over. They get in her closet and on the curtains and under her bed. I started this after an episode of her waking up one night afraid of monsters.
I never told her it was to get rid of the monsters but I think it gives her a sense of security along with prayer which is most important.

Sunday, May 04, 2003

Today, Jennie and I didn't feel well, and Dan and Keisha were running late so had "church" at home. It was nice although today I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket with my congestion and scratchy throat.

Keisha played nurse to herself. She had a tiny scratch by her eye and got a small band-aid; she tore the wrapper off in small pieces and would hand each one seperately to me to throw away. I bet you didn't know a small band-aid wrapper could be torn into about 7 pieces!

It's sunny but still a little chilly to me. It's almost 1 PM and I forgot to take my AM meds. No wonder I am still alert! I need to take them though. That is a thing with bipolars-we forget meds often; we can think we don't need them because we feel OK. Those around us are the barometer of whether we are really OK.

I have trouble staying asleep at night. I wake up aching so bad and its hard to go back to sleep. That is another thing bipolars have to do; get enough rest.If the manic part is stronger it is almost impossible to sleep which is what will be needed. I realize these things and work hard at doing my part to be healthy within the parameters of my illness. Some days are better than others.

Saturday, May 03, 2003

I made a mistake in yesterday's journal. The elder President Bush was 41 and the current President is #43. That is sometimes how the family and father and son refer to each other.

I an reading Barbara Bush's memoirs, and it is fascinating to me personally. I lived in the Houston area for 21 years, so some of what she writes I can remember happening. My husband at the time saw her driving on the freeway one time. I lived in The Woodlands, and the school district named a new elementary school after her. She came out for the dedication. It was in honor of her dedication to literacy. In the book you find out why she chose this to be her "cause". I appreciated her candor and humor.

I have a kind of dememted sense of humor. People will say to me " you're crazy. I always answer, "sure am, got papers to prove it!".

Being bipolar has been an interesting journey for me. I have experienced the deepest depressions where all seems hopeless, and I have experienced the highest of highs. I regret that my illness was not diagnosed early. I was 46 when I got the correct diagnosis. It answered so many questions I had about myself.

My manic rages and suicide attempts were so hurtful to my family. That is a huge regret. On a lighter side I can laugh at myself for the stupid or crazy things I do.

My therapy days are part of a lighter side of my life. I have the best therapist for me. We relate very well to each other and she appreciates my humor.

I always wonder who I might encounter in the waiting area. Will the snowman guy be there, for example? I've named him that because back in the winter on of the coldest days we had this guy was a sight to see. He had a water bottle that he kept refilling from the bathroom. I think he must have refilled 6-7 times. During this he went outside and gathered up the equivlent of a bucket of snow and brought it in and sat it in front of him. Had I known he was going to do this I would have watched to see how he opened the door to bring it in. That would have been a sight unto itself.

He began to strip off his clothing and rub the snow all over his face and beard, his neck and anyother places on his body he could reach. Then he thought about the fact that he hadn't eaten and maybe that was why he was so hot. So, he bought 2 bags of chips from the vending machine; the second after the first didn't do the trick. Meanwhile, he kept filling his water bottle. He couldn't keep still.

Then there was a young man next to me that had left and came back. He said he couldn't stand to see the guy eating because he was hungry. I reached into my coat pocket and gave him what change I had. He probably had money and I was a sucker. Then there is the guy who stretches his body out in front of him ( he is quite tall) and naps in between waking thoughts to himself.

There is this other guy who talks to someone who must be a card. He laughs and sings with this "voice". My therapist said many patients with schitzophrenia(?sp) report they have nice voices. I learned something because I was under the impression that they always told you to harm yourself or others.

So, therapy day can very entertaining. I don't feel threatened by these people; I just wonder if someday I will be one of them and that scares the crap out of me. Life for me is limited but I try to find the lighter side of whatever comes my way.

My granddaughter said something funny to her Dad yesterday and I was just going to say it and that quick its gone. She is a character. She is 5 yrs old and very bright. She is hearing impaired so we use sign language a lot. Well, they do; I'm still trying to learn. She gets impatient with me sometimes and I can't blame her.

She will do some of the sweetest things too. Last night they went out to eat. I wasn't feeling well so they were going to bring back something for me. When they came home she gave me the toy that came with her kid meal. That alone was precious, but I left it on the table and, later this morning it was sitting on my purse.

A few weeks ago, she had an ear infection, and her Mom got her this huge mermaid mylar balloon. She kept it in her room until it started sagging as it was losing the helium. One particular day she knew I was feeling real bad with the arthritis and fibromyalgia. I was in the dining area and all of a sudden something caught my eye. There is a mirror that covers the wall next to my room. The head of this mermaid was floating from my room out to the hallway. Then she told me I could have it because "I was sick".

So this ballooon stayed in my room for a couple of weeks, and it floated wherever it wanted. If I awoke in the middle of the night, it would scare the wits out of me. Then I realized why she gave it to me: it was scaring her too. Then one Saturday she had to go get some blood work done. I put the balloon back in her room.

Later, I found it in my room, up against my bed. She was going to make sure the head did not creep back into hall in front of the mirror. I told her I gave it back, and she replied in no uncertain words and tone "I don't want it".

My daughter-in-law and I broke up laughing. Maybe this is one of those "you have to be there" funny things.

So, I look forward everyday to some precocious thing she is going to do or say. I am blessed and more so I know it.

Friday, May 02, 2003

I live in Dayton, Ohio, having moved here in late October from the Houston, Texas area. Wright-Patterson AFB is located here in Dayton. I can tell you THIS is a military town!

Right now as I am writing this there is a rally going on downtown to support the troops and to reinforce our patriotism. What you may not know is that a lot of the new technology used in Operation Enduring Freedom was invented right here at Wright-Patt.

My youngest son serves presently in the Navy on the JFK , an aircraft carrier stationed at Mayport, Florida. I recently was told they will be shipped to Iraq later this year. They were in the Afganistan conflict and returned last August 17th.

I, having lived in Texas while #39 was President for the last Iraqi conflict and while #41 was govenor until elected President can say " I" am proud to be an American. I had no doubt that this president would do as he said. He is a prayerful man and would have all troops under consideration in making a decision.

I knew the possibilities yet knew he knew also what he would be asking of this country. I personally believe he has etched in his memory the aftermath of what he saw from 9/11. I don't think he will ever forget that experience. Nor, should we.

My son joined up before 9/11, and I asked him then if he regretted his decision and he answered no. I was and am very proud of him. We, his family, keep him in our prayers and thoughts everyday.

My heart aches for the mothers and families whose service member lost their life to this and any conflict. That includes Iraqi mothers and families too. I hope I don't sound too " pollyannish" over this but this is how I truly feel.

PJ---I am so proud of you because it was YOUR choice to wear the uniform. You had the freedom to say yes or no. I think most of the Iraqi soldiers didn't have that choice. Hey PJ- remember the grilling I gave the recruiter? I know some day you and I will have a good laugh over that day.

So,anyone reading this, if you are American, or live in a democratic society take a moment to reflect on your freedoms and really appreciate them. Someone, somewhere has/is paying a price for it.

Hey, Mom! It's me, your son Danny. But you probably knew that already from reading my name at the bottom of this post.

I found the link to another person's weblog, and I think you would enjoy it. Her name is Roberta and the name of her weblog is Abbreviated Abstractions. Go check it out. I told her about your blog, so hopefully she'll stop by to say hi or something.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

It's going to rain within the hour and I am really feeling it in my back and hips.

The other day my son was playing around with Keisha and she wanted him to stop. He wouldn't so she came to me and said, "Nana, make your son stop!" So I indulged her and told him to stop or he was going to be in trouble. She felt so empowered by this new revelation that her Dad has his Mommy here and SHE can make him behave!

Last night it was another event and I told him he would have to go to time out if he didn't stop. She looked at him and said "yeah, so there"! It is really funny.

She and I have secret signs we do. It will be interesting to see how all this develops as she gets older.