Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hi! I'm Myself today I think. It has been an interesting day to say the least.
I had therapy today. The place I go is remodeling and the section that I usually see my therapist was closed therefore I had to go to the other side. What a cornucopia of folks were there. There was an Elvis impersonator dressed in a bright blue shirt and slick black pants and black shoes and of course the signature hair. So, in case you are wondering Elvis IS alive and living in Dayton Ohio, USA !!! Next to him was a lady fashionably dressed if we were back in the 70's. She had on a multi-colored and flowered skirt. The colors were orange, yellow and lime green reminisent of some kitchen wallpaper in a house I lived in years ago. She had an orange top covered with an orange jacket. To complete the ensemble were her black sandals, black canvas bag w/ brown straps and lest I forget the outfit was topped off with her orange hair and vericose veins. I know the retro thing is popular but I really believe she has had this in her wardrobe as part of an original collection.The only thing she may not have had back then were the varicose veins.Across from me was a guy, mid-forties with that " hey I am on some heavy duty medication stare".Then in came a young guy, maybe mid- 20's using a walman to listen to a CD. He walked over to this guy and Had him listen to the music for a few seconds and then asked him if he liked it. The guy said yeah and the young guy said "it's rap. I thouhgt you said you didn't like rap". The older guy answered that he thought he didn't like it but maybe now he did. Then the young guy spooted one of the case managers. She is probably late20's blonde, nice figure, etc. The young guy rushes over towards her and hollers out " You look really nice today Monica". She thanked him as she hurried off. The guy comes back over and stands in front of me talking to the other guy and says, " I love Monica. Hey Bill, I love Monica. I mean I really LOVE Monica." By now, all of us in the area knew he was quite fond of Monica. I wondered where my therapist was because I wasn't in the mood to engage in conversation with fols today. There was a lady in a royal blue jogging suit that kept staring at me and I knew she wanted to talk but I didn't feel like it. Lest I forget, there was the caseworker dressed in royal purple pants, blouse and hat!
Finally, Tori came and got me.
I really connect with my therapist. We spend probably 20 minutes of my hour with her telling me stuff happening in her life. This week she had new windows put in and the window guys trampled down a lot of her flowers. Her daughter that lives near Columbus has landed a teaching job she wanted. And there was the ususal my husband is a chauvinist but I've been married to him for 30 years and I adjust and ignore!
Then we go outside when my time is up and have a smoke together. We go on the side of the building because clients aren't supposed to know their therapist smokes.
Hey, I used to be a 3 pack a day smoker and now I'm down to 1 1/2 - 2 packs a week. I was trying to quit and 2 psychriatrists told me not to since I did cut drastically back.
I have a lot of anxiety and they feel it would be worse if I try to cut back further.
Anxiety is derived from anger ( which I did not know until I was in therapy ). So we work a little each time on helping me work out some issues and I sure have enough of them.
I surprised her one session when she asked me out of everything I've had to face in my life what was I the most angry about. My answer; simple- My mental illness.
For me, it has been the most difficult to accept. Society looks down on those of us in my position. It is invisible. It doesn't require a cane or wheelchair or a helper dog.
Its effects may be visible but the illness is invisible and the majority of pwople prefer it to stay invisible.
It has alienated close family members from me. I am medication dependant and will be the rest of my life.20 years ago you could hardly get me to take an asprin. The meds make me groggy. My life is very sedentary where I used to be very active ( probably manic ).Then I have the physical ailments on top of it.
So, yes I am angry at my mental illness because it has robbed me of family and a quality of life I will only be able to have now in my memory.
But, at least it isn't cancer or some other horrible disease.
I work around the meds issue the best I can. If I have an appointment I won't take them until I get back. I try to make everything as early as I can.
And, I am finally being able to catch up on all the reading I never got around to in the early years.
I think there are only 2 or 3 Fern Michaels books I have yet to read. Then I will have to choose another author.
Does anyone reccomend an author or is there a book you have/are reading that is interesting to you?
My grandaughter is so much fun. Tonight we danced like we were married! ( her words ) Then she had to teach me to swing around the way she wanted because she was the man. Earlier, I wa in my room on the bed reading and had one knee up with the bok kind of resting on it. She came in and pushed my knee down and said, There, you feel better now". Then she blew Keisha kisses all over my room so no monsters could get me. Then she said she'd be back in 5 minutes to check on me! And she did. And then again in another 5 minutes! She had given me a card on Saturday to help me feel better. ( she made it ) on her 3rd trip in she took the card and said, " Sorry Nana. I have to give this to Ms. Jean ". (her teacher). I thought that was so funny. I want to remember al this so as grows up I can tell her the funny things she did.
I have discovered she likes me to tell stories of when I was growing up or sometimes she wants me to make up " once upon a time stories". And I do posses an imagination.

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