Friday, May 23, 2003

I wasn't able to blog for a few days. Dan finally figured out that one of us ( maybe me) blocked a " cookie " that was necessary. So I'm back.

This morning Keisha decidd she wanted me gone. So I told her I still loved her even if she didn't love me but I wouldn't be available to help her if she needed me because I was gone.
So off and on I would hear " Nana " but I ignored it. Eventually, her Dad talked to her and explained that maybe she needed to apologize. She did and as we say, everthing is different. We start all over again.

I remember learning in therapy awhile back that you have the power to start your day all over again as many times as you need to. Same thing.

I have had a little depression lately. There are some things going on here that are out of my control and I wish I could help. Also, I realized that 2 years ago around this time I lost 2 friends. One had been a coworker married for only three months, 2 weeks away from joining her new husband in Germany who was in the army killed in a car crash by a drunk driver. Heidi will forever be in my hat. She was the type of person that lit up a room. She was Filipino and had only been in the States for 5 years but she spoke
English as well as anyone. She had a Las Vegas wedding w/ the Elvis impersonator because that was so " American ". Her husband had a month's leave when they got married so when she returned to work she used to slip out when it was our break time and take him breakfast in bed.
Her funeral was the saddest I ever attended. She was 23 years old.
Why do people drink and drive? I have no use for a drunk, I'm sorry.

Then a couple of weeks after Heidi died I got a phone calll that my best friend ( only true friend ) had died suddenly from cancer. She was diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks. We were the same age.We had known each other since first grade. We went through the thick and thin together if only by mail sometimes.
When she got married he was in the Air Force so they were all over the world.
I wrote a poem for her a few months back. Maybe I will blog it one of these days. I really miss her.
She just accepted me as I was.
Its got me crying again.
Then I've ben remembering an incident that happened to one of my daughters about 12 years ago.
She was abducted and kidnapped and taken to an undisclosd location for over 8 hours and brutalized, totured and repeatedly raped all the while bound and blindfolded w/ ducttape. She was then put back into the vehicle and dumped on the side of a road. The detectives said they don't know why she wsn't killed.
Her attackers were never found;altough she gave a lot of information she knew from smell, touch and hearing.
We, to this day don't know if it was a random act or was it someone who knew us.
I was not told right away. She did have the courage to go on TV and give information w/her voice scrambled and face distoted. Right away I knew it was her by the way shespoke certain words. Her youngest brother ws in the room w/ me and he figured it out also even though he was only 5. I told him he was wrong that his oldr brother would have let us know. They were roommates. Her little brother was getting terribly upset and I was inside myself but had to remain calm for him.
The incident happened on a Sunday night and she went public Thursday but it wasn't until Sunday after church in K-Mart parking lot that I found out by a mutual friend of theirs that it was indeed my daughter.
I fell to my knees. No mother should ever have to find out that kind of news that way.
I went to their apartment and baged on the door until her brother answered the door and all I could say was why didn't YOU tell me? His answer was she didn't want him to. I slapped him across the face.
I have had a strained relationship with both of them since.
As a family we ventured out to try to identify who these monsters were and find out any information we could go on; we did more than the Sherrif's office did. To this day it is one of only a few unsolved cases in that location.
I don't know that I will ever not be able to think about it. Tooo many trust issues were broken. No closure. My child was almost murdered and I am supposed to remain silent because the majority don't want to talk about it.
I am angry. I am sad. I am disguted and disappointed. I have lost all faith in the criminal justice system.Facts show that whoever did this had a military or police background. The very people I trained her to believe would have protected her quite possibilly be who injured her. There were 2 of them
Imagine; two people that plotted this type of crime together. And then acted on it. There was a little boy in the vehicle somewhere that she could hear screaming, " Daddy, don't hurt that lady". So some father, mother, grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, babysitter, teacher knows something. That child would be about 18 today.
I have always prayed for him as well as my daughter wondering how witnessing that kind of violence affected him and shaped his life.

I know this is a tough subject but its real and it did happen and there were consequences. And, unfortunately, crimes of that nature happen every day and people witness something and turn their heads because they don't want to get involved.
Well, if you've read this maybe its had an impact on you and if you do witness something in the future you will get involved so some mother 12 years later doesn't still have to look into her rear view mirror with fear if a car has been following for awhile or she gets hang up phone calls and wonders if it migfht be them. Or, loooks into the face of every man she knows and wonders if its him.

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