Sunday, June 29, 2003

Good Morning to everyone! This is a day the Lord has made and I am glad and rejoicing in it!

I am here with Keisha. Jennie is at work and Dan went on a camping trip w/ the men from his church. I am happy for him. He has a lot of anxiety lately about getting a job and other financial problems. It will do his spirit good to get away and refresh himself.

I think they worry about me because I keep to myself. Right now, this is what I need. I need to rest and have quiet time. I just haven't been inclined to go out and meet people. And, its hard to make plans as those of you with this illness know. You never know how you are going to feel.
I have a link now to if anyone wants to check it out.

All my links have a special place for me and I hope they will be helpful to others. Mary's Hope is for survivors fo sexual abuse. Blogs for God is kind of self-explanatory.
The others are interesting too. Just check them out if you'd like.

Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. She is 24 today. She has the neatest smile. She is a special person. When she was born she was sucking her thumb. She just had this attidude like OK, I guess its OK to come out. When they laid her on my stomach she reached up and grabbed my littlest finger of my right hand and clenched it in her fist.
I can still feel it. The nurse hollered over that I couldn't touch her. I said I wasn't; she was touching me.
She was the neatest kid. She isn't speaking to me right now. I'm not sure what I did.
I am going to call her later and wish her Happy Birthday anyway.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Dan and Keisha are off to her softball. She is in a program that is about learning the sport and having fun while playing. There are no winners or losers at this level. She really enjoys it.

I am very stiff today. Overall I really don't feel that good. I am having trouble getting the fibrofog to lift. Two cups of coffee haven't helped. I didn't sleep well last night either.
I am trying to remember to drink lots of water. I have this thing in my head that with every glass I drink I am removing toxins from my body. I don't really know if this is how it works, however, it won't hurt to be drinking lots of water.

I go Monday for the itrauterine ultrasound. Doc suspects tumors because my uterus is quite enlarged. She said if so I would probably have a hysterectomy. I have horrible pain from my right ovary also. It won't hurt my feeling to have it all come out. ( I wouldn't look forward to surgery just having it all out) I have said for years that's how we can know God is male. A female God would have had us equipped w/ velcro and when we finished with childbearing we could just take it out!

Just as a female doc will warm the speculum before a pelvic examination. I've had 3 female doctors and they always warm the instument but my male docs haven't.
You females know what I am talking about, right?

I plan on resting this weekend to conserve energy for next weekend when my sister has her party and I will see some siblings and nieces and nephews I haven't seen since 1994. I want so much to feel better.

I am reminded of the promises and knowlege from Matthew chapter 6. All my needs were known before I was ever born and God will provide.

Friday, June 27, 2003

I am feeling kind of stiff and groggy right now.I accidentaly took a half dose of Flexiril instead of the fourth that I usually take. If I take the fourth once an hour I tolerate it better than the regular or half dose at a time.
In the bokk I read it said that fibromyalgia patients are commonly sensitive to medications.
Each one I take whether for the fibromyalgia or the bipolar disorder say " may cause drowsiness". I take Claritin for allergies, Flexiril and Ibuprofen for the pain, Neurontin for the bipolar and fibromyalgia, Klonipin for the bipolar, anxiety and clenching from the fibromyalgia, Lexapro for the depression,and Remeron to sleep. And I take calcium pills because I hate milk. OH, and Flonase for the sinus part of the allergies.
I feel like I take a pharmacy!
I guess those of you who have similar problems are in the same boat.

We are having a little cool front for a couple of days. It's enjoyable as we had temps in the high 80's for a few days and high humidity. The windows are open and the fresh air is so welcome. Of course we had to have storms yesterday to have this so you know I am feeling it.

Jake has gone to the beauty parlor ( groomers). We all miss him. He is a part of the family. I've thought about writing a book called, " My son and his dog". They have had some adventures.Like when Dan took him off his leash back in the winter and he must have smelled a rabbit or some animal because he went off sniffing and slid down a huge hill.
Dan had to run back and get the car to go get him.
We were afraid he would run off before he could be found. A short time later Dan was back with Jake in the front seat.
( He has a special gizzmo that he can be stapped to)
It looked to me and Jennie that Dan was lecturing him and the look on Jake's face as he looked out the window was priceless.
It lokked to us he was thinking, OK, I know I shouldn't have gone over by the edge but if you had ahold of the leash I wouldn't have slid. I was really scared.
We were laughing so hard we both almost wet our pants.
Dan said it all worked out because Jake found a girlfriend at the bottom of the hill. I call her Gretchen. I some times here her howling in the evening. I go in and tell Dan not to take Jake for a walk because Gretchen is pining for him!
Dan tried to groom Jake himself last week. God love him. Let's just say he should keep his day job!
So the groomer is going to kind of have to give him a buzz.

I mentioned that I think of what to be grateful for each day. It's amazing when you shift gears and allow yourself to think these kind of thoughts how it can change your attitude and what you can enjoy about the life you have.

Dan has programmed some Christian music into the computer. I am enjoying giving my Lord praise as I am writing this.
I am very blessed. I have much to be grateful for begining with my faith and that God honors His Word.
Without that everything else would seem so shallow. Thank you Jesus.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Well I am switched over to the new Blogger version. It appears to be user friendly which is important to the non-computer geeks like me!

I have had some encoraging E-mails and comments from Other FMily.
I appreciate those a lot. It helps to know you aren't isolated.
You all may know but I didn't about an organization called fibrohugs I found online. ( )
It has a checklist and there were even more symptoms I had that I didn't associate with this illness.
If you haven't checked it out try it.
There was a letter I read to healthy people that hit the nail on the head.

Keisha likes to come and tell me about her dreams. Its really her using her imagination.
She will make up some of the darndest stories. She reminds me of her Uncle PJ when he was that age. He would make up some humdingers.
She really likes to tell stories about my kids when they were small or even stories about me and my 8 siblings.
Once in awhile I'll make up a story and she likes those to. I ususally try to incorporate a moral to it.

Dan and Jennie have been a tremendous support system. They try to understand my illnesses.
Jennie is like a daughter to me.When Dan married her the saying that I didn't lose a son but gained a daughter was true.
I can't always be the help I wish I was however I am learning to adjust to life I have not the one I planned.
I remind myself of my blessings everyday.

I can't imagine going through this and not believing in my faith.
It is a huge comfort to me to be able to rely on the Scriptures to help me through each day.

I live in Dayton, Ohio and the city is gearing up for its celebration of
" Inventing Flight ". The Wright brothers invented their airplane here in Dayton 100 years ago and Ohio is celebrating its 200th birthday this year as well.
We just found out that the President is going to be here on the 4th.
Harrison Ford is opening ceremoies and John Travolta is doing a flyover with John Glenn at closing ceromonies 3 weeks later. There will be things going on all year. If any of you live within driving distance I recommend you pay a visit here.
There is also the Wright-Patterson AFB located here and AFB musuem here and its free to attend.
Think about where we'd be today if Orville and Wilbur hadn't invented the airplane. Life would be very different. And the natural progression of that was the space program. Years ago before I moved to Houston I used to wonder why the space program should be important to me.
Over the years I was educated to understand how countless technologies we use today came from the space program.
Can you imagine life without your microwave?
This happens also to be the anniversary of Ford Motor Company, 100 years.
What would your life be like without the automobile?

So the great inventors I salute you.

Welcome to Dano!

This the first post of this blog using the new version of Blogger, called Dano! Most of it looks the same, albeit a "prettier" user interface. The real test is when Mom comes down to try it out, to see if she'll be able to use it without any problems.

Of course, I'm here to help out if there are any technical difficulties. I am really grateful to have her as my mom. I know God knew what he was doing. I appreciate her openness and her willingness to let me be a part of her blogging experience.

Here's to you, Mom! :D

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

I am able to blog a little today. I have been on the computer already for a little while and I am feeling the discomfort.

I have taken the smaller doses of the Flexeril, one peice every hour and it seems to be helping a little bit. I don't want to take the whole thing at one time because of the drugged up feeling I have. I can't stand that.

I really reccomend the book, " Women living with Fibromyalgia ". I found it to be helpful and enlightening. I now some new info for my doctor when I see her next.

I am still having some anxiety about the bioposy; I have some encouraging thoughts sent to me from fellow bloggers. They are so good for my spirit. I now have others I can add to my intercessary ( ? sp) prayer list. That is something positive to do.
Of course I wonder when this flareup will end. I do my streching exercises every day.I also have " narrowing in my cervical and thoraxic parts of my spine. I am supposed to be reffered to apain clinic but I haven't heard back from the doctors office. I think maybe my Ohio Disability insurance won't pay unless the doctor gives a different description of the " pain".
I've waited this long, I will wait some more.

I appreciate my family here more than I can say.They are encouragers and try to understand what it is like for me. I haven't been the help that I would like to be and I feel terrible about it sometimes.
You know, I am the Mom, I should be the one taking care of things. I am so blessed to have a unique daughter-in-law. I refer to her as my daughter. The saying, I didn't lose a son, I gained a daughtrer is very true in my case. I love them very, very much.

My sister is having sort of a reunion July 6th to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, my nephew Ben's graduation and the adoption of their new daughter, DJ who is 5.
I found out at least one other sibling and my oldest neice will be there as well as a couple more neices and nephews. I am really excited. I haven't seen them since my Dad died in 1994.

The kids are all grown up with lives and families of their own. I used to have everyone at my house when all the grandchildren were small and my Dad was still alive. We had some fun times.

I have much to grateful for.I try to focus on what I have and not what I've lost. I have accepted that I am having the life I have not the one I planned. It was a process to get here.

I went to therapy today and a lot of the ususals were in the waiting area. My therapist asked me if I get anxiety while waiting because there are really sick people who come there. I answered no; I kind of enjoy observing them and thank God I haven't become that sick, yet.
She says I have done well and the next appointment will probably be my last.
She wanted me to agree to moving out to YWCA and then after 30 days I could apply for emergency housing to Red Cross. She said where they place you isn't in a good neighborhood but then I could get on a list for a better place.
I wanted to know how this was going to benefit me better than being with my family. I didn't get it. As long as the kids don't mind me being with them I want to be here. I enjoy the family and love the closeness that I now have with my granddaughter.
Sometimes I think these therapists have to have something to write down that makes them look like they are doing something.
When I lived in the Houston area there is a reporter, Marvin Zindler ( he is the one who shut down the infamous chicken ranch told in the movie " The Best Little Whoerhouse in Texas "). He used to do reports on nursing home abuse, and other social services problems. He would end it with his larger than life self and voive " as I always say, it's HELL to be poor "." Marvin Zindler,EYEwitness news".
Marvin has had more face lifts and plastic surgery than Zsa Zsa Gabor. I often wondered if he really knew the plight of the poor. At least he was an advocate. You could get things done if you threatened you were going to bring Marvin into it.

So, I am going to close for now. I am stiff and hurting.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

I have been able to come downstairs and work on the computer a little more.
I realized in my last post I forgot to add an X to my medication " Flexeril ". I don't know if there is a medicine called Fleril but if there is it's probably for hair loss or impotence or something like that!

I took another 1/4 of the pill and it seems that I am tolerating this better than taking all at one time. I will have to try it over a period of a few days and if I continue to get good results I'll let my doctor know. I am feeling a little woozy but not like if I take the whole pill at once.

Today I heard on the morning news that this was the first weekend in 7 weeks that we weren't going to have rain. Good news.

I was helping Keisha open a carton of milk today and she said my hands were smelly because I am old! I can't wait until she gets up in years to remind her of her perception of " old people".
One day I told her that her Mom and Dad would be old and she started crying. She really has an aversion to us old people! I am not quite 51 yet. I wonder what she will do when I really am old?
Can you believe Cher is 56? Of course, if I had her money I could look pretty good myself!

This morning Keisha announced she didn't wet the bed last night. Jennie and I went in her room to check and sure enough it was dry! Go Keisha.

I took a little break. I have taken a fourth of my Fleril and am going to see what happens. I don't like how it makes me feel if I take the whole one.
I am learning that I have to be more proactive in my research about this illness. My doctor can't be expected to know all there is about this as she treats many people everyday with a myriad of illnesses.
I can do the research and direct her to what I have learned. I am grateful that she does understand this isn't " all in my head." I have dealt with every kind of of insincerity from the medical profession. I remember when I was first diagnosed I was grateful to finally have a diagnosis. I was naieve. I had no idea what I was in for.
I was sent to a rheumatologist within my HMO at the time and she confirmed the diagnosis but offered no solutions.
I was put on incorrect medication for 4 years which ultimately factored into a suicide attempt in 1999. I was then correctly diagnosed with my bipolar illness.
In reading this book I have learned that approximately 50% of the patients with fibromyalgia also have bipolar illness.
That is the baffling part of this illness. Its a plethoria of symptoms that seem unrelated however combined are discovered to factor in to the fibromyalgia illness.There are still some medical people who don't believe this condition exists. Shame on them.

Until recent years there wasn't much research done to find out what this about. Back when I was diagnosed I was told it was an " orphan " disease. This meant there wasn't enough people diagnosed to qualify for research.
" They " still don't know if we are genetically predisposed, have come into contact with a chemical agent but it is known now to be a neurological as well as physical disease.
I used to be an extremely active person. Inside my head I am still the person I used to be but my body betrays me now.
My mother used to have a saying " the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." That certainly applies to me now.

I fall into depression more now than I used to. I guess I am mourning the person I wanted to be. I am learning to accept the life I have not the one I planned.
Sometimes I want to be the manic person I was.
She could get so much done. Yet, there are risks to that behavior.
Since being on medication, ( I think for now I have found the right combination ) I am more balanced. Depression has its effects and so does the mania.One seems to be destructive to those we are close to and the other seems to be destructive to ourselves.
Again, I rely heavily on my faith to help me everday. I can't imagine not having it.
I believe the promises made in Scripture. I don't know why I am meant to suffer however I look for the blessings in each and everday.
Before I go to sleep at night I think of 3 things to be grateful for and to know God has blessed me and hasn't forsaken me. It helps.

I haven't blogged all week. Actually, I tried in the middle of the week and something happened when I went to post and publish and it didn't take. I was too tired to rewrite again.
I am in the storm of a fibromyalgia flareup and have been for weeks.Those of you who have it know what I am talking about.
Its hard to even type for any length of time.
I am reading a new book called " Women living with Fibromyalgia". I reserved a copy from the library. The book covers a whole range of topics and is a lot of comments from other sufferers. It has been enlightening and helpful.
I have discovered that previously unrelated complaints are actually part of this disease.
It helped to know I was not the only one going through what I go through. Almost everyone deals with the factor that you " look " healthy so how can you be so sick?
If anyone else suffers from this or bipolar disease I wuld love to hear from you.
I had a nice E-mail from Annie in England who suffers from both.I feel for her as I do Know what she goes through.
I found out this week that my Pap test came back abnormal.I am scheduled for a bioposy on July 25th. That is a long time to wait and wonder if you have cancer. My mother had cervical cancer therefore this heightens my fear.
I know it may not be anything and if it is it is treatable. I know this intellectually, however, inside you you have some fear or insecurity. I think I am human.
I have given this over to God yet he knows me. I used to say if I didn't have something to worry about I would worry. That was way back in the days when I thought I had something to worry about.
So, keep me in your prayers.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Good Morning again.

Today is Father's Day. I want to wish God a Happy Father's Day as he is our ulimate Father.And, I need to wish my son a Happy Father's Day as well.
He is a terrific Christian father and I am proud to know him.
I miss my own father today.

Yesterday, my oldest daughter turned 31.She doesn't speak to me for various reasons.To sum it up, in her opinion I am not a good mother.
Of course this is hurtful.
I am ignored which is probably one of the most severest forms of abuse. She believes I am the one who is abusive.
So, I just move on with my life.

As Dan mentioned I have been battling chronic pain. I try not to complain.And, of course the ever present " depression". Those of you who deal with this will understand the lows one can go into.
However, I have a strong faith and KNOW my God is ever present.I don't know what it would be like to go through life without this kind of belief.

We have a new addition to our family. My sister and her husband are addopting a 5 year old girl named DJ ( Dawna Jo). I am sure she will be a blessing to all of us.
The family is going through an adjustment period.Keep the in your prayers, especially DJ. She has the hardest job right now. She is grieving for her foster family and adjusting to her new life. That is a lot for a 5 yr. old.
In time I will ask for prayer for her parents as she gets adjusted and the everyday life of parenting a daughter comes into play.
They have a son who is 18.
I don't know about anyone else but my girls were harder to raise than my boys.

Oscar and I are talking again. He wants me to move back however he has feelings of hurt and suspicion aat my telling him I have changed.He is sick.
I honestly feel bad at the way I treated him and put others first.
Time will tell the truth.

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Guestblogging for Mom

Hi, folks. This is Dan, Margie's son. You've probably noticed that there hasn't been much activity here this week.

Mom has been feeling really "ragged." That deserves a bit of explanation. The weather here in Ohio for the past month and a half has been quite rainy. I've known people, that, when it's going to rain, know it because they feel it in their knee or elbow or shoulder. Mom feels it in her entire back. So, she's been bedridden for most of this week. Well, with a bit of an exception.

Over the past two weeks I've been taking day classes on mixology because I'm going to be a bartender. Jennie has been working as a nurse's assistant for two weeks now during the day. Keisha has been out of school since the end of May. What that means is that Mom hasn't been able to take her medicine in the morning because it makes her so drowsy, and she wants to be alert to look after Keisha during the time between my leaving for class and Jennie coming home.

This is just about her physical pain. I know there is emotional stuff going on, probably related to her having bipolar disorder, too. I'll let her blog about that when she gets a chance.

I guess I'll conclude this post with a request for prayer for my mom. I suppose a prayer similar to something I heard someone with multiple sclerosis once prayed: that she won't try to do more than what God wants her to do each day. For strength, for perspective, for joy even during suffering. For a relief of that suffering, too, if it is His will.

Feel free to leave your comments.

Sunday, June 08, 2003

You're Ageless!

Hey, Mom, you've been sucessfully added to the ageless project!

New folks on the blog

Welcome to blogs4God, Mom.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Today is sunny again and it's so nice to see. The temperature is climbing back to seasonal levels. There is some rain predicted for tonight or early morning. I can feel it however it is better than some days I have had lately.

Dan has programmed country music on " Musicmatch Jukebox " for me. It is nice to hear while I am here at the computer.

Yesterday I was able to go pick up my new glasses. Thank God for Ohio Blindness. I knew my eyesight had deteriorated but what a difference. It's taking some adjustement to get used to again.
I had Keisha w/ me as Dan had to go to a therapy appt. I brought along a couple of books and we read them and there was a Highlights magazine. She loves those and we had fun going through it. She seemed to be in awe as I told her I used to read those when I was a kid and so did her Daddy.

She was pretty well behaved and I only had 1 episode before her Dad came back to get us.She was tired as she had been up since early morning before Jennie left for work.
I was wondering what her reaction would be since there were so many old people there. She doesn''t quite know what to think about us " old" people.
When she acted up I told her I could put her nose on the wall. An elderly man sitting next to her said that happened to him one time and it was there so long it turned red. He learned his lesson he said. She just stared at him for a short time and observed his red nose and was different after that. I wonder what was going through her head!

My love's birthday is Monday. I sent a card out today and hopes he gets it in time.
Last year we celebrated it on Father's Day and his son and grand children were with us. It was a great day. It was the first time the 2 of them were together and they got along as if they had been together all the time.
Lord, I miss him so much. I remember almost every moment we shared.It wasn't always pleasant and we could have a good fight but underlying was and is a great love.
I didn't understand all he was trying to teach me and was defensive and decisive.
It's taken this time for me to catch up to where he was.
He is a great person. I didn't appreciate just how much until I was away from him.
He used to think I wasn't paying attention to all he wanted me to know.I was; it was just overwhelming.
No one has ever loved me as he did and I hope still does. It was so foreign to me I just didn't get it.
He probably wouldn't believe the impact he has on me.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

I haven't been on the computer since Sunday. Have been feeling depression as well as fibromyalgia symptoms.

I have a combination of things to blog about if I can remember them all.

Dan had an experience last night that tore at my heart because I saw myself in that same position probably many hundreds if not thousands of times over my lifetime.
He rendered aid to a person who claimed to be a " Christian " man and got ripped off ( as well as his heart broken).
Oscar always told me I was too trusting and that people I considered to be friends were not. I was their friend but they weren't to me. Time and again over my lifetime I would trust someone and I would be scammed.
I knew what he was feeling and it broke my heart. It tore into my soul to know my child had to feel that kind of hurt and betrayal.
I have been where he and Jennie are so many times. Life happening to you while you had other plans. No money. Praying for an answer and then you think you got it only to be ripped apart again.
Some of it for me was naivete; some was that my very nature is to serve and be helpful. These sharks can pick us out and know we are easy prey.
I would give anything to have Oscar believe me now that I learned my lesson.
I didn't appreciate his wisdom or that he really knew me and was trying to protect me from myself.
I can even admit that there were a few times I felt God had let me down. Where was He when I needed Him? Shouldn't He have Known my good intentions?
I may have lost the love of the one person who really loved me because of my own stupidity. If I were to be given another chance I'm jumping on it like a frog on a June bug.
I am more thick skinned now. I am very cautious of people. And, I know my weakness and am acutely aware not to place my trust in anyone right now.
My best friend is in Texas and I probably lost that friendship at the expense of what I thought to be other friendships that turned out to be connivers.
Oscar, if you ever read this, I am so sorry.
I talked to Dan this morning and explained this a little. I guess you have to go through it and be hurt enough before it finally sinks in.

Dan was telling me over the weekend that McDonald's has a new breaded pork sandwich. I asked if they were calling it the " McPiggy"!

We have a chipmunk family living under the sidewalk out front. Its Mom, Dad and 2 kids. There are also rabbits around. About a month ago we found 2 baby bunnies down in the window well.
Jennie called the Museum ( or oohzeum as Keisha calls it) to find out what to do.They said to leave them alone and the mother would come back for them.
We listened to the expert advice and they died.I thought they were probably hopping alogside the house and accidentally fell in.And, I didn't see how a mother rabbit was going to get back out as the well was at least 2-3 feet deep. In fact, after #1 died we took the other one out and let it go. It was back in there the next day and dead.
listen to your gut instinct.

Yesterday, Keisha wanted to read me a Bible story. So she found the picture of Noah's Ark and was talking about it and then we heard " and Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep". Isn't it funny how kids will put bits and pieces together to come to their own conclusions?

She decided to take care of me since I wasn't feeling well. She got a washcloth and gave me a sponge bath. This was washing my face and hands and then my feet. You have to understand that she hates my feet so this was an extreme sacrifice on her part. After she wiped my feet she said " II have to go wash my hands"! I told her that was probably a good idea.
Then she brushed my hair. Then she wanted me to get up and take my cane and go play w/ her. I told her I couldn't. She then spotted something she had made at church sometime in a closet that the kids still have their things in. I told her she couldn't have it until her Mom came home and said it was OK. I didn't know if Jennie had it in the closet to save.
She didn't like me anymore. She was going to go watch TV.

And so it goes.

Sunday, June 01, 2003

Hot, buttered, blogrolls

Mom, I set you up with an account at so that you can easily add links to your blog. I can show you how to do this.