Saturday, June 21, 2003

I took a little break. I have taken a fourth of my Fleril and am going to see what happens. I don't like how it makes me feel if I take the whole one.
I am learning that I have to be more proactive in my research about this illness. My doctor can't be expected to know all there is about this as she treats many people everyday with a myriad of illnesses.
I can do the research and direct her to what I have learned. I am grateful that she does understand this isn't " all in my head." I have dealt with every kind of of insincerity from the medical profession. I remember when I was first diagnosed I was grateful to finally have a diagnosis. I was naieve. I had no idea what I was in for.
I was sent to a rheumatologist within my HMO at the time and she confirmed the diagnosis but offered no solutions.
I was put on incorrect medication for 4 years which ultimately factored into a suicide attempt in 1999. I was then correctly diagnosed with my bipolar illness.
In reading this book I have learned that approximately 50% of the patients with fibromyalgia also have bipolar illness.
That is the baffling part of this illness. Its a plethoria of symptoms that seem unrelated however combined are discovered to factor in to the fibromyalgia illness.There are still some medical people who don't believe this condition exists. Shame on them.

Until recent years there wasn't much research done to find out what this about. Back when I was diagnosed I was told it was an " orphan " disease. This meant there wasn't enough people diagnosed to qualify for research.
" They " still don't know if we are genetically predisposed, have come into contact with a chemical agent but it is known now to be a neurological as well as physical disease.
I used to be an extremely active person. Inside my head I am still the person I used to be but my body betrays me now.
My mother used to have a saying " the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." That certainly applies to me now.

I fall into depression more now than I used to. I guess I am mourning the person I wanted to be. I am learning to accept the life I have not the one I planned.
Sometimes I want to be the manic person I was.
She could get so much done. Yet, there are risks to that behavior.
Since being on medication, ( I think for now I have found the right combination ) I am more balanced. Depression has its effects and so does the mania.One seems to be destructive to those we are close to and the other seems to be destructive to ourselves.
Again, I rely heavily on my faith to help me everday. I can't imagine not having it.
I believe the promises made in Scripture. I don't know why I am meant to suffer however I look for the blessings in each and everday.
Before I go to sleep at night I think of 3 things to be grateful for and to know God has blessed me and hasn't forsaken me. It helps.

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