Saturday, July 30, 2005

Just thinking

Since my last post we have learned the shuttle will be grounded until they fix the problems; good idea.i wish God's blessings on the crew making it safely home.I know we all will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Since i have come to accept my situation its been a little different for me.
For the first time in a long time, if ever, I can see somewhat of a direction I am supposed to take.My goal is my own serenity and joy in whatever forms that means for me.
I still get anxious and even the depression sets in a lot but I know I will live through it.I will because I have before.
This is not sayinmg i don't need my meds because i know I do; it is saying that i know there is Someone with mewho has been with me throughout all my challenges.

My days are spent doing a lot of soul searching and peeling the layers off like peeling an onion to get back to the roots of it all.
I needed to be needed.Thats one of my lessons I learned.I am different now.With the old way it allowed me to be in situations that weren't always in my best interest buit were for sure in som,eone else's best interest.

Bob and i are friendly and cordial so i am not in any harm.I don't think he actually knows how to take me now.
I'm not overly conversational because once a few glasses of wine are consumed I would be having a conversation with the wine not him.He is really put out at what I know.I quietly told him recently I could appreciate it may annoy him but I wasn't going to apaologize for knowing what i know, on any subject.It occurred to me that I think indirectly he actually feels inferior to me.
Since my new attitude i am able to observe things in a different light.I think he is a terribly insecure person.I notice he will be unkind in some comments he will make about other people; some coworkers, sports players, friends.
He is a sexist chauvanist and I really never saw it until recently.
He doesn't show a lot of empathy which i find unappealing.

I knew I had made progress when last night I informed him that i read in the paper that the recycling place was letting people drop off any and all electonics for free on Sunday only.Normally, there is a $25.00 fee for each item.
He has one TV left to get rid of, his original VCR bought in 1071, 2 tuners, a turntable, the 8 track player 2 receivers and some other stuff. right away he began to make excuses to keep some of it.I stayed calm and just said. " well. I just wanted to let you know because I know you don't read that section of the paper and I don't think they are advertising it anywhere else".
The other me would have felt it was my mission to convince him how much better it would be to be rid of these things.
He has a problem and its his problem.I didn't get into another relationship to have a cause or a mission.
All my life I took on everyone's problems and tried to be the problem solver.
He went fishing on his day off with his buddy. When he returned he wanted to be conversational because he had enjoyed getting out.
By the time he returned I was tired, it was very hot.The inside temp in the house was 96 with 3 fans blowing on me and I had taken 3 showers already.I was fighting the migraine.Needless to say,I wasn't in a conversing mood.
So then he said," hows your day going"? My answer was pretty much like yesterday and last week and last month.
I haven't been anywhere since we went to his friend's sons graduation party in June.
He has not been carpooling and he makes the grocery runs so there is no use for me to use the truck.
I had asked once that it would nice if he could consider me on one of his days off.Sundays are usually spent with consuming the wine from early morning so he falls asleep by noon.the other days off are spent doing things for himself like fishing.
Its OK; its his life, his truck, his house, and his money.I hope they keep him happy when I am no longer here.

He really offended me a couple of weeks was keisha's birthday and I had a few things in a box that i had actually got in May the last time I shopped.I aleted him the week before that it needed to be shipped.He asked if it could wait until his payday which was after her birthday. I again reminded him.He took another week to send it.That hurt me because I disappointed my grandaughter and there was no reason to do it.He said he kept forgetting to take care of it.
He works for the Post Office.he delivers parcels everyday.Wouldn't that jog your memory?

But I have to say his nephews card which needed to be mailed around the same time is sitting on the piano.
And he hasn't returned his brothwer's call for more than a week so i'm not the only one he ' forgets".

There is no way i could have known these thingsabout him unless i came here.I can't kick myself.I asked all the right questions and asked them many times in different forms before i came here.You have to depend on someone's honesty.
I don't think he sees himself as dishonest.He sees it more as not fully disclosing.Is there a difference?

I've accepted that whatever grief i feel is for a relationship i thought i had but in reality that relationship never existed.Unlike the relationship with Oscar for instance.That relationship was very real.It wasn't always pleasant but there was reality to it.

Asd many women want I wanted a life with someone that was special. unique. I wanted to love and be loved; to be cherished, honored, respected, appreciated among othe rthings.
Thats what i searched my whole life for.I have learned i may not get it.Or not with a someone.
However, I can love, respect, cherish and appreciate me in my relationship with myself.

I still haven't heard anything back from the attorney on the SSD case; I will call this week as its been 30 days now.
I need that to be settled before I can leave here and move on with my life.

My physical health as well as mental health needs attention.I am in a lot of pain and that is getting hard to handle.

So thats my update to this point.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

shuttle returns to space

It was truly awesome to watch all the footage this morning of the shuttle returning to flight.
I remember hearing when Columbia was lost.I was living with Dan and the family in Dayton and I couldn't believe it had made it almost back to earth; so close but still so dangerous.
Over the beloved State of Texas, up in the farmlands of the Piney Woods of deep east TX laid the strewn wreckage.
I had visited the area not just a few months before.
Such a typical American hometown place of lots of little towns, one turning into the next only distinguished by the road signs.Just an ordinary place that such an extraordinary event would happen.
These people where like my neighbors.I had lived in the Houston area for 25 years and NASA was part of the community as any big business is in any town.Its one of the things that distinguishes Houston from the rest of the world.Its howthe name "Astros" came about and other words we use now in our lives that we don't give a second thought to.Asrtroturf, Astrodome.Yes, Houston was " Space City, USA" and family members were in mourning and I couldn't go home for the funeral.
I stood on that porch and figured out a way to lower the American Flag to half staff even thoughit wasn't made that way and in the cool breeze just stared south on that hilltop towards Wright-Patterson AFB.
Many times i had watched military aircraft fly over to and from the base, even Presidential aircraft but it was eerily silent just at that time.
Just the flag whip[ping in the wind, some leaves rusting around on the ground and my thoughts clamoring to be heard inside my head, each reaching out to as if to say " don't forget about me".
I remember as a young girl when John Glenn first orbited the earth and what a thrill it was.How proud I was to be American and a Buckeye.
Then Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Dan's dad and I watched it on TV;again a proud moment for Americans and Buckeyes.
We used to travel through Wapokonetta when Dan was an infant and stopped for a drink.He would just laugh and laugh at the very mention of the word Wapokonetta". It became a family joke.
I was helping a very sick friend when Challenger had its disaster.Neither of us could believe it was true.
How could this happen?A schoolteacher was on board.Family as well as the rest of the world were watching.
Then that morning as Columbia was reentering the atmosphere minutes from touchdown family watched the horror again.
We had become complacent.The shuttle lost its ability to awe us by that point.It became routine.We took it for granted.
I heard someone say the mood at NASA has changed because of this so maybe there is a benefit to it.
I hope we always stay awestruck at something so magnificent as this hunk of metal propelled towars the heavens and its work is to discover new things about the world we live in.
When I was young I used to think the whole space program was a big bunch of goobly glop but as I grew up I began to understand the value in it.
As Dan's dad would say " isn't science wonderful"?
So to the men and women who work together around the country to to pull something like this off you have restored faith back into something that was dying off.
All of are to be commended.from the janitorial staff to the leaders and the asronauts themselves congralulations on a job well done.

Monday, July 25, 2005

haven't I been down this road?It looks so familiar to me.

I haven't posted for awhile.I haven't felt well for weeks; thats some of it.
I have also been battling a huge migraine for days that has all teh symptoms they manifest.
I don't know if its related to the extreme heat we are having(as well as the rest of the country) and we don't have AC.Or is it stress?
Me, stress, now there's a thought!
Things have really deteriorated here between Bob and myself.
Oh, he is still very kind in most ways but there is a strain now that hadn't been there.
I discovered quite by accident ( isn't God good) that almost all of what he told me while I was in TX was not true.
Kind of funny since he is the one who made honesty an issue; our mantra. Shortly after i arrived the lies began to unravel as they do.
He was still involved with someone up to my arriving here;when she found out about me she went ballistic.Kind of ironic because she was married.They pulled it off because she lived in another state and they had met a few times half way in between.Yhey had been engaged before he went into the Navy and i guess they wanted to see if they had missed something.
regardless, he knew from the first conversation we had I would never be part of a triangle.
It gets better.He had been in a long term relationship for many years that supposedly ended 10 years before.Over time I discovered they are still talking on the phone, having dinner and who knows what else.
Very suspicious.She wasn't told he was involved with someone or that I was here for over 3 months after I arrived.
He has discussed me with her.He did not have my permission to do so and vilated a boundary.
The disorganization and mess in this house is incredible.It was purported that i would come here and all i needed to get this job done would be at my disposal.
That has not been the case.
If he wants or needs to live this way thats fine but he knows I don't and won't so there is a stalemate.I was very clear while I was in TX as to how I lived. I was very clear when i visited here last September.
I am embarrased as to the condition of this house and that I live here this way.
I am someone who needs color, design and joy reflected back at me in my surroundings.I was so very clear on that.
As time went by i'd catch more and more slip ups.
He drinks wine excessively and if I was still codepandant i'd take him on as a cause.Not now.I'm so past that.
He doesn't get loud or obnoxious; he sleeps.
He does what my Dad used to do to my mother and thats the silent treatment.
It is so counterproductive.
He finally admitted that all he really wanted was a maid and cook.That may have been ok had it been discussed with me ahead of time.I doubt it.
But to go a year talking to someone everyday for hours and never bring out truth is more than I want to deal with.
I am alone here about 12 hours a day which has actually given me time to really think about how I ended up here in this situation.
I still am waiting for news on the finalization of the SSD case. I still don't like that I may not have control over my own money but can see the wisdom of the courts because of my history to do it that way.
I think I've decided when all is said and done to go back to Ohio.
I couldn't live here even if I wanted to; its so overpriced.
I really love TX but there is no reason to be there now.
I have my son, daughter-in-law and grandaughter in Ohio as well as my only sister who speaks to me.In fact, we are the only siblings of us 9 who speak at all.
I won't like the winter but I'll try not to complain.
I would be returning to my hometown;some of it has changed drastically and some is still the way it was.
I am looking forward to being on my won again.
I haven't had my own home for quite awhile.
I really enjoyed being with Dan,Jennie and Keisha in Dayton but they have their place now and its best I do too.We can visit a lot and I will be available to help with Keisha when needed.
If possible i am going to give myself an extra bedroom to be used as an office/ guest room/ craft room.Why? I just want to thats all and I figure when you get this age you should give yourself what you want when you can.
I want to have family dinners at my house again and have my grandaughter and neice spend the night giggling in the next room.
I want to hide Christmas presents from Keisha that she may find in her own house.
I want to pick her up and go for an ice cream cone and she can confide secrets to me and me to her!
I want to be the sagey matriarch who imparts the wisdom she has accumulated and shares the recipes and tells the stories of those who lived ahead of us so they can continue to be told after us.
I want to be there to look the guy over when Keisha goes on her first date. I know how guys can be; they aren't going to get over on me with my granddaughter!
Do I regret coming here? Not really. I regret that someone chose to be dishonest because it makes him a sad person.
Do I feel any obligation to him? No.
Will we remain friendly? Maybe only time will tell.
Will I ever be involved with someone else.
Who knows?
I wasn't looking when Bob came into my life and I'm not looking now.
I don't need a man in my life today. However, I do need me in my life today.
Its been a challenge to go through all this unmedicated.Don't everunderestimate the power of prayer.
Maybe someday there will be a someone I can share something with but thats not my focus now.
I will be mighty skeptical in the future.Coming off the heels of suppossed honesty will be a tough act to follow.
I don't think I will signing up for any dating service anytime soon.
This past couple of years has been a training ground for me to be on my own and to be happy about it.
So some may say well he wasn't an abuser. Think again. The characteristics were there just more benevolent.
Control is control no matter how pretty a bow you put on it.
He is a good person who makes some bad choices.
And i've made my share of incorrect choices.
I think maybe its time to go back to my hometown and start all over again with all the knowledge I have gained since I left.

Friday, July 08, 2005

bombing in England

I haven't felt well the last few days and have been distracted by some goings on here but I really wanted to post to let those who may read this across the ocean know my symphathy and regret over yesterday's bombing.
Regardless how any of us feel about the war or whether we should be there or not no country or one of its residents or visitors should have to live in fear of terrorists.
They are monstrous cowards and i hope the world resolves to never bow down to them.
I don't understand that there could be a belief system that would promote viloence and its comrades- evilness, maiming, death, fear and outrageous behavior as something to follow much less believe in.
Regardless who someone thinks of as their God that God would want peace and tranquility.
For the victims of yesterdays tradegy my heart aches for all of you and for all the rest of the world as it shows we all are victims in this monstrosity called Al-Queida.
As part of the human race we can't back down. We have to unite together. Mothers hearts break regardless which cause you believe in when a life is taken away or shattered by violence.
I know this isn't going to end anytime soon but the people who perpetrate this type of violence should know good always wins over evil.