Saturday, July 30, 2005

Just thinking

Since my last post we have learned the shuttle will be grounded until they fix the problems; good idea.i wish God's blessings on the crew making it safely home.I know we all will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Since i have come to accept my situation its been a little different for me.
For the first time in a long time, if ever, I can see somewhat of a direction I am supposed to take.My goal is my own serenity and joy in whatever forms that means for me.
I still get anxious and even the depression sets in a lot but I know I will live through it.I will because I have before.
This is not sayinmg i don't need my meds because i know I do; it is saying that i know there is Someone with mewho has been with me throughout all my challenges.

My days are spent doing a lot of soul searching and peeling the layers off like peeling an onion to get back to the roots of it all.
I needed to be needed.Thats one of my lessons I learned.I am different now.With the old way it allowed me to be in situations that weren't always in my best interest buit were for sure in som,eone else's best interest.

Bob and i are friendly and cordial so i am not in any harm.I don't think he actually knows how to take me now.
I'm not overly conversational because once a few glasses of wine are consumed I would be having a conversation with the wine not him.He is really put out at what I know.I quietly told him recently I could appreciate it may annoy him but I wasn't going to apaologize for knowing what i know, on any subject.It occurred to me that I think indirectly he actually feels inferior to me.
Since my new attitude i am able to observe things in a different light.I think he is a terribly insecure person.I notice he will be unkind in some comments he will make about other people; some coworkers, sports players, friends.
He is a sexist chauvanist and I really never saw it until recently.
He doesn't show a lot of empathy which i find unappealing.

I knew I had made progress when last night I informed him that i read in the paper that the recycling place was letting people drop off any and all electonics for free on Sunday only.Normally, there is a $25.00 fee for each item.
He has one TV left to get rid of, his original VCR bought in 1071, 2 tuners, a turntable, the 8 track player 2 receivers and some other stuff. right away he began to make excuses to keep some of it.I stayed calm and just said. " well. I just wanted to let you know because I know you don't read that section of the paper and I don't think they are advertising it anywhere else".
The other me would have felt it was my mission to convince him how much better it would be to be rid of these things.
He has a problem and its his problem.I didn't get into another relationship to have a cause or a mission.
All my life I took on everyone's problems and tried to be the problem solver.
He went fishing on his day off with his buddy. When he returned he wanted to be conversational because he had enjoyed getting out.
By the time he returned I was tired, it was very hot.The inside temp in the house was 96 with 3 fans blowing on me and I had taken 3 showers already.I was fighting the migraine.Needless to say,I wasn't in a conversing mood.
So then he said," hows your day going"? My answer was pretty much like yesterday and last week and last month.
I haven't been anywhere since we went to his friend's sons graduation party in June.
He has not been carpooling and he makes the grocery runs so there is no use for me to use the truck.
I had asked once that it would nice if he could consider me on one of his days off.Sundays are usually spent with consuming the wine from early morning so he falls asleep by noon.the other days off are spent doing things for himself like fishing.
Its OK; its his life, his truck, his house, and his money.I hope they keep him happy when I am no longer here.

He really offended me a couple of weeks was keisha's birthday and I had a few things in a box that i had actually got in May the last time I shopped.I aleted him the week before that it needed to be shipped.He asked if it could wait until his payday which was after her birthday. I again reminded him.He took another week to send it.That hurt me because I disappointed my grandaughter and there was no reason to do it.He said he kept forgetting to take care of it.
He works for the Post Office.he delivers parcels everyday.Wouldn't that jog your memory?

But I have to say his nephews card which needed to be mailed around the same time is sitting on the piano.
And he hasn't returned his brothwer's call for more than a week so i'm not the only one he ' forgets".

There is no way i could have known these thingsabout him unless i came here.I can't kick myself.I asked all the right questions and asked them many times in different forms before i came here.You have to depend on someone's honesty.
I don't think he sees himself as dishonest.He sees it more as not fully disclosing.Is there a difference?

I've accepted that whatever grief i feel is for a relationship i thought i had but in reality that relationship never existed.Unlike the relationship with Oscar for instance.That relationship was very real.It wasn't always pleasant but there was reality to it.

Asd many women want I wanted a life with someone that was special. unique. I wanted to love and be loved; to be cherished, honored, respected, appreciated among othe rthings.
Thats what i searched my whole life for.I have learned i may not get it.Or not with a someone.
However, I can love, respect, cherish and appreciate me in my relationship with myself.

I still haven't heard anything back from the attorney on the SSD case; I will call this week as its been 30 days now.
I need that to be settled before I can leave here and move on with my life.

My physical health as well as mental health needs attention.I am in a lot of pain and that is getting hard to handle.

So thats my update to this point.

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