Monday, July 25, 2005

haven't I been down this road?It looks so familiar to me.

I haven't posted for awhile.I haven't felt well for weeks; thats some of it.
I have also been battling a huge migraine for days that has all teh symptoms they manifest.
I don't know if its related to the extreme heat we are having(as well as the rest of the country) and we don't have AC.Or is it stress?
Me, stress, now there's a thought!
Things have really deteriorated here between Bob and myself.
Oh, he is still very kind in most ways but there is a strain now that hadn't been there.
I discovered quite by accident ( isn't God good) that almost all of what he told me while I was in TX was not true.
Kind of funny since he is the one who made honesty an issue; our mantra. Shortly after i arrived the lies began to unravel as they do.
He was still involved with someone up to my arriving here;when she found out about me she went ballistic.Kind of ironic because she was married.They pulled it off because she lived in another state and they had met a few times half way in between.Yhey had been engaged before he went into the Navy and i guess they wanted to see if they had missed something.
regardless, he knew from the first conversation we had I would never be part of a triangle.
It gets better.He had been in a long term relationship for many years that supposedly ended 10 years before.Over time I discovered they are still talking on the phone, having dinner and who knows what else.
Very suspicious.She wasn't told he was involved with someone or that I was here for over 3 months after I arrived.
He has discussed me with her.He did not have my permission to do so and vilated a boundary.
The disorganization and mess in this house is incredible.It was purported that i would come here and all i needed to get this job done would be at my disposal.
That has not been the case.
If he wants or needs to live this way thats fine but he knows I don't and won't so there is a stalemate.I was very clear while I was in TX as to how I lived. I was very clear when i visited here last September.
I am embarrased as to the condition of this house and that I live here this way.
I am someone who needs color, design and joy reflected back at me in my surroundings.I was so very clear on that.
As time went by i'd catch more and more slip ups.
He drinks wine excessively and if I was still codepandant i'd take him on as a cause.Not now.I'm so past that.
He doesn't get loud or obnoxious; he sleeps.
He does what my Dad used to do to my mother and thats the silent treatment.
It is so counterproductive.
He finally admitted that all he really wanted was a maid and cook.That may have been ok had it been discussed with me ahead of time.I doubt it.
But to go a year talking to someone everyday for hours and never bring out truth is more than I want to deal with.
I am alone here about 12 hours a day which has actually given me time to really think about how I ended up here in this situation.
I still am waiting for news on the finalization of the SSD case. I still don't like that I may not have control over my own money but can see the wisdom of the courts because of my history to do it that way.
I think I've decided when all is said and done to go back to Ohio.
I couldn't live here even if I wanted to; its so overpriced.
I really love TX but there is no reason to be there now.
I have my son, daughter-in-law and grandaughter in Ohio as well as my only sister who speaks to me.In fact, we are the only siblings of us 9 who speak at all.
I won't like the winter but I'll try not to complain.
I would be returning to my hometown;some of it has changed drastically and some is still the way it was.
I am looking forward to being on my won again.
I haven't had my own home for quite awhile.
I really enjoyed being with Dan,Jennie and Keisha in Dayton but they have their place now and its best I do too.We can visit a lot and I will be available to help with Keisha when needed.
If possible i am going to give myself an extra bedroom to be used as an office/ guest room/ craft room.Why? I just want to thats all and I figure when you get this age you should give yourself what you want when you can.
I want to have family dinners at my house again and have my grandaughter and neice spend the night giggling in the next room.
I want to hide Christmas presents from Keisha that she may find in her own house.
I want to pick her up and go for an ice cream cone and she can confide secrets to me and me to her!
I want to be the sagey matriarch who imparts the wisdom she has accumulated and shares the recipes and tells the stories of those who lived ahead of us so they can continue to be told after us.
I want to be there to look the guy over when Keisha goes on her first date. I know how guys can be; they aren't going to get over on me with my granddaughter!
Do I regret coming here? Not really. I regret that someone chose to be dishonest because it makes him a sad person.
Do I feel any obligation to him? No.
Will we remain friendly? Maybe only time will tell.
Will I ever be involved with someone else.
Who knows?
I wasn't looking when Bob came into my life and I'm not looking now.
I don't need a man in my life today. However, I do need me in my life today.
Its been a challenge to go through all this unmedicated.Don't everunderestimate the power of prayer.
Maybe someday there will be a someone I can share something with but thats not my focus now.
I will be mighty skeptical in the future.Coming off the heels of suppossed honesty will be a tough act to follow.
I don't think I will signing up for any dating service anytime soon.
This past couple of years has been a training ground for me to be on my own and to be happy about it.
So some may say well he wasn't an abuser. Think again. The characteristics were there just more benevolent.
Control is control no matter how pretty a bow you put on it.
He is a good person who makes some bad choices.
And i've made my share of incorrect choices.
I think maybe its time to go back to my hometown and start all over again with all the knowledge I have gained since I left.

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