Domestic Violence

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month -

As many who know me I am a survivor of domestic violence myself.
Some of my experiences have been chronicled here in past postings.

I am away from the perpetrator who committed the last acts of violence on me that drove me from my home into a shelter for more than a year now yet the effects are still with me.

And the effects of all the abuse I suffered over my lifetime that allowed me to be in that situation stay with me today.

Domestic Violence is insiduous.
It does not discriminate against age, sex, religion, economic background, history, ethnic origin or educational level.

It permeates throughout our lives each and every day.

We work with, live next door to, go to church with, shop with, bank with, attend sporting events, gossip with, hire out for skills, and eat at resturants with all kinds of abusers on a daily basis.

An abuser doesn't look like anyone else but yourself.There is no identyfying mark on his/her forehead to distiguish them from another more civil person.

That person more than likely has told the victim a thousand times how much they are loved.
That person more likely than not has voted in elections. That person has attended church at some point in their life if not regularly.
That person may have served in the armed forces of our country or someone country they share allegiance.
That person often has a mortgage, pays for credit card debt and braces for their child teeth.
That person often has a degree from an institution of higher learning or a skill learned from a trade in which they are employed.

You wouldn't necessarily know an abuser just by looking at them.

However, there are traits that are classic. Once one is educated as to what they are they are flags that need to be noted.
I learned these flags while I was lodged in a domestic violence shelter.

I consider myself an educated person; I read more than one newspaper a day, Ii read all kinds of information online, I watch the news and some talk shows, I listen to broadcasts on major news networks and cable.
I thought I was informed.
Yet, I didn't know all that there was to know.I was ignorant of many facts.

And when it is what you knew from your earliest memories you are clouded to reality.
It appears as normal although unpleasant.
It appears as there is always an explanation absolving the abuser of his guilt.

I hope to provide information this month coming up in thiss forum to help educate those who may be as ignorant as I was. To personalize it in some way to reach those who may still be living with it on a daily basis.To assist those who want to change their destiny as it is today in showing there is another way.

I am one of many who are living proof it can stop; there is another way to live.

My son Dan is addressing this issue also on his blog- journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com

You may not be able to change your abuser.I couldn't. However, you can change your environment.

One of the classic symptoms of an abuser is not to be recognized as one so they will convince you its you, not them who has a problem.

You do have problems if you are living with abuse but you aren't the perpetrator.

If you suspect someone is a victim of domestic violence or if you yourself are a victim I urge you to contact someone.Clergy, United Way, the YWCA, a crisis hotline, look in the phone book under womens center or some type of listing such as that or call your local law enforcement are places that can provide assistance to help.

You don't have to live like that one more day. Not even one more hour. It can stop.

Hurricane Rita and memories of Galveston

I am watching the news coverage of impending Hurricane Rita expected to hit the Texas coast within the next 24 hrs.

I remember my first visit to Galveston Island.

Christmas Day, 1981.

Paul and Ii and the kids had moved to Houston that previous July. Having no family in TX with us and not having the usual tradition of the "Mitchell's" gathering at my house for the holiday I decided to do something different and unusual.

This was predicated on the unusual Thanksgiving we just had.We ate our Thanksgiving dinner outside at the picnic table.
To keep the theme going I decided we should go to the beach for Christmas Day.

Keep in mind we were transplants from Ohio.
The previous Christmas was spent in temperatures of 20+ below zero degrees with wind chill factor of over 60 below.

It was a beautiful TX winter day that day.Sunshine, virtually no wind and 76 degrees.
There were pictures taken of all the kids playing on the beach and out in the Gulf. Paul and I even went out to knee deep water just to say we were in the ocean on Christmas Day.We joked with friends and family back in Ohio "what were you doing Christmas Day"? "We spent the day at the beach"!

The drive there was an awesome experience for us. Yes, we were the typical tourists!

We saw for the first time the huge palm trees, some you could tell had been bent and damaged by previous tropical storms which only added to the awe.
We saw for the first time the houses built on stilts as you went through the Texas coastal cities leading up to the causeway.
We were astounded that most had boat slips instead of garages.
We saw a Kip's big boy restaurant. We decided to stop. We were used to our Frisch's big boy restaurants back in Cincinnati and longed for a Big Boy hamburger that was defined by its own tartar sauce; the precursor to the Big Mac. The Big Boy was an institution.

Imagine our disappointment when the sandwiches were delivered with a thousand island like dressing instead of the famous Big Boy tartar sauce we were used to.
They thought we were crazy.A hamburger with tartar sauce?! And, we used a side of it for our french fries! OOOH how icky!

We learned on subsequent stops there to ask for them dry and a side of tartar sauce.And whenever someone visited from Ohio they were enlisted to bring along a couple pints of tartar sauce with them.

So we arrived on the Island and were just amazed at the sights.
The shops that displayed the beach type souveneirs; the restaurants; the Strand and the historical buildings that had survived the 1900 devasting hurricane.

The building I was always most impressed with on each visit to Galveston was "The Bishop's House".

We made a few more trips over the years to Galveston but none were as memorable as the first.
There was the time a crab attached itself to mandy's butt which was sort of appropriate since she is a Cancer.

The few times we took the ferry over to Bolivar Penisula and Crystal Beach because it wasn't as touristy.

After Paul and I were divorced Galveston and Bolivar continued to give me memories with other men I dated.

Jerry and I went fishing a couple of times.Gary took me for a weekend to his sister's beach house on Crystal beach for a weekend.

I regret I didn't get to spend more time there.
As happens anywhere you live you get into a groove of everyday life and those places become less important.

I never spent Mardi Gras on the Island; I didn't take just one day and ignore the beach and spend it just on the Strand.
I never went at the holidays and appreciated " Dickens on the Strand".
I always meant to; there was always another time I could in the back of my mind.

Now, I no longer live there and may never get back to that place at those times.
Galveston may not even exist as I knew it after this weekend.

She wasn't the grand lady she had been before the 1900 hurricane but she was splendid in her own unique way.

I no longer have pictures because another storm robbed me of those but I do have the vision, scent, sound,feel inside my head.

We don't know where this storm may land but we do know the Texas coast and inland for many miles will be altered.

As they say in TX and its worth saying here, God bless Texas.

SSD update

Yesterday,I received in the mail my notice from Social Security explaining my benefits.

They have determined they are declaring me disabled from June 1, 2002 but because of the requirement that once declared the claimant still has to wait 5 months for benefits to start my benefits will be backdated to November, 2002.

Here is the real kicker.
They have determined that my benefits will be $247.00 starting the month of November this year.I will get a partial payment of $168.80 on or about the second Wednesday of the month.

$247.00 a month until I reach retirement age and then I would fall into regular Social Security.

I had been told early on that i could expect a minum of $850.00 so i do not understand what the discrepancy is.The attorney even filed papers to be payed 25%of the amount of the estimated $850.00 month so I know I did not just make this up or dream it.

How does one live on less than $250.00 a month?

I can be very frugal and reduce my needs to next to nothing but there is still the rent, utilities, transportation, medical costs.
I will have to wash my clothes, brush my teeth, wipe my a--, wash my dishes.

Is this how disabled people are treated in this country?

Even if I were to find a way to have free housing and utility assistance the needs are still there.
My actual benefit is would be $325.00 a month but they deduct for the Medicare benefit.
Then to have better coverage I have to get medicare B which still doesn't pay completely for doctor visits or total prescriptions.

I feel like I have been sentenced to a remainder of my lifetime to be at the mercy of the kindness and genorosity of other people.

Where is the margin for dignity to care for oneself or to be self-sufficient?

My present situation is that I don't have worry about a roof over my head or food to eat.
However, the reality of my situation is that there are needs I have that this person can't and shouldn't have to provide.

I am now in a position that I have to have in the back of my mind constantly what will I do if this situation changes here?
I have been in too many situations that at the drop of a hat my life changes because the person I am with changes.

I do not know security.I have never known security.I have only known what I could provide for myself.
When I was able to work I worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs to help take care of my kids or myself.

I am no longer able to do that and its very frightening.

Is this sometimes the cause why you see people living on the streets or under bridges?
is this why some choose prostitution or illegal activity to be engaged in?

Social Security was concerned because of my past victimization yet they have victimized me also.

I may be physically impaired and have mental illness but I am still a feeling, thinking member of this country.
I am angry. I am in shock and actually in a state of numbness. I am confused. I am scared.
I feel hopeless and am struggling to find the joy in my life.

I started the day in search of my new purpose in life.
I have spent the last 4 years so focused on this and what the difference it would make to me personally.

The " me, persoanlly" has been removed from the equation because all things concerning me now are predicated by someone else.

There are no options.No decisions to be made by me.

So now, I am one of the poorest of the poor.
Not by choice; not because I didn't try to make a better life.
I lived my life productively. I made mistakes throughout the living of my life but little of those mistakes would change the outcome of the situation I am in today.

The mental illness was passed to me genetically. We still don't know the cause of fibromyalgia.
The arthritis and degenarative disc disease I don't think were caused by my parents or siblings, ex-husbands or partners or friends I chose or children I had.

I still believe in my God and I know He hasn't forsaken me.He promised me that.He has been the constant in my life.

I will survive.
I just don't know how.

Happy Birthday

Today is my 53 rd birthday and I am glad to still be around to celebrate.

I have received greetings from my online friends as wells as family.I am amazed am humbled by the kind thoughts and wishes.
Dan's Nanacast at journeyinsidemymind.blogspot.com is very touching that he would put so much thought and planning from a simple phone conversation with Keisha.

The song he chose " has anyone seen my gal" was so appropriate for my life.

I have received calls from a couple of new friends as well which was so thoughtful.

I never have made a big deal of my birthday; growing up it wasn't always a pleasant day.After I was married it was never a special day.
So this attention being called to myself is somewhat uncomfortable yet appreciated.

Bob had cards placed around the house with gifts attached that I have discovered throughout the day. He too, was so thoughtful.

The day is overshadowed however by the tragedy unfolding this week in the Gulf Coast and New Orleans in particular.
There are images that we will take to our graves as we do every disaster we witness.
I am traumatized in some ways by reliving my own experience when I flooded and lost everything.
And what I went through was nothing compared to what some of these people suffered this week.

What you don't get from TV is the smell of polluted water, the stench of rotting everything, the smell of death that you can't escape from.The feel of the slimy, oily water filled with human and animal feces rubbing against your skin, the snakes and fire ants balled up floating toward anything they can attach to and if its you -beware.The feel of the force of water straining against you as you try to wade through it when its chest deep and its crushing your lungs.
To try to hold on to a family member because if you let go they will be swept away and die and the dread and guilt that accompanies it.The psche is affected because as a parent you should have prevented your child somehow from being in this peril and you are powerless to change the moment.
You don't hear the eerie silence as death of the area is slowly enveloping the area you once called home. You can't hear the silence of no birds in the air, no dogs barking, no children laughing, no traffic moving.
The silence is deafening.

You don't see, hear, know the thoughts of someone as they are in that desperate situation.You only think you know what they might be thinking.

The TV cannot capture the range of emotions one goes through but the reporters try.
As you are first entering into that situation there is the adreneline rush just to survive it.
In my case leading my family to where I just knew help would be available to find no one was there.
What do you do? You are soaked, you are exhausted,you are shocked but yet you have to plod on.
The desperation and despair kicks in and as a parent you attempt to stay strong, to put on a front you are in control when all around you is out of control.
No, TV does not show you these images because it can't.
I thought I knew before i myself was a victim and my lesson was to learhn i didn't know anything.I could only imagine it until then.


I will never remember reentering my house after 5 days of it being under water and the destruction was unbelievable.
The first words I spoke was " we are one of them now"'.
Thats when the gravity and seriousness hit and the denial was over.We had no home to go home to at that point. We were homeless.
Life as we knew it was over.Everything was gone.
All we were left with was memories.

How blessed was I that I could rebuild and had resources available to me that in a relatively short time I was able to rebuild our lives.Not the one we had but a different one.

There were complications and we ended up in a class action law suit.Out of 10 families we went through the experience together only one couple is still together today and they separated for a year.

But I didn't end up clawing my way out of the attic and waiting on a rooftop for 5 days waiting to be rescued.
I had water to drink and food to eat by the end of the day.
I had the ability to obtain dry clothes.
I did not have family members missing and no way to know if they survived.I was able to use a telephone.
I was white and I lived in suburban America.

If anyone wants to believe there isn't a connection to the poorest of the poor and racism and a political lethargy involved in what happened to those left behind in New Orleans they are badly mistaken.

Was it intentional?/ I don't think so.I think it was white America not being in tune with the horrendous ramifications of the presence and futility of what the majority of impoverished, black America deals with daily.
We turn our heads when something is unpleasant.It takes time for us to warm up to the idea that there is ugliness around us.

History will show that the ones who escaped early had means to do so.Those that were left behind were expendable.
They most likely weren't registered voters; They took from society instead of contiributed and did it for generations.
They may have been socially irresponsible. They may have been fiscally irresponsible.
They were human beings though and that fact wasn't important enough to those who made decisions along the way.

For years New Orleans was known to be in danger of this catastrophe.Less and less money was given for the projects needed to avoid this tragedy.
How many bombs did it take dropped on Iraq that could have paid for a better levee system?

How much more do the troops from that region have to suffer? They are defending their homeland as they wonder about their homes back home and their families.

Had they been on friendly soil doing their everyday jobs they would have been available to call up on short notice to keep order and perform search and rescue.

The human toll is priceless; the dollar toll will be astronomical.

If you think this will go away easily I am here 11 years later reliving my persoanl experience.What about the children from this disaster? What toll is on them that won't surface for years?

I hope everyone contributes in every way possible to the relief effort and beyond.
If there was a cake available for me to blow out candles today my wish would be we learn all the lessons this disaster gives the opportunity to teach.

But for the grace of God there goes I.
My mother used to teach that and I think its very appropriate that I honor her today with the words that were ingrained into me at an early age.
But for the grace of God, there goes I.

Happy Birthday!

This is Margie's son, Dan, temporarily taking over this blog to inform you that Friday, September 2, 2005, is her birthday.

To celebrate, I've posted a podcast at my blog that contains a phone interview between my Mom and my daughter Keisha. Keisha calls my Mom "Nana". Thus the name "NanaCast".

I've included show notes describing the more specific details of what we did during the show. There are a couple of surprises that I didn't mention, however.

In addition to the phone interview, you'll find some great music from independent artists.

Why not head over to hear Mom's birthday present for yourself?

• JIMM Podcast 8 - NanaCast 2 (Happy Birthday) - 050901

ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

A South African inventor unveiled a new anti-rape female condom on Wednesday that hooks onto an attacker's penis and aims to cut one of the highest rates of sexual assault in the world.

"Nothing has ever been done to help a woman so that she does not get raped and I thought it was high time," Sonette Ehlers, 57, said of the "rapex," a device worn like a tampon that has sparked controversy in a country used to daily reports of violent crime.

Police statistics show more than 50,000 rapes are reported every year, while experts say the real figure could be four times that as they say most rapes of acquaintances or children are never reported.

Ehlers said the "rapex" hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and helping to identify perpetrators.

"He will obviously be too pre-occupied at this stage," she told reporters in Kleinmond, a small holiday village about 100km (60 miles) east of Cape Town. "I promise you he is going to be too sore. He will go straight to hospital."

The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man through surgery which will alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police, she said.

[Some] critics say the condom is medieval and barbaric — an accusation Ehlers says should be directed rather at the act of rape.

"This is not about vengeance … but the deed, that is what I hate," she said.

Source: ABC News: Anti-rape condom aims to stop attacks

Hell and High Water

We are awaiting the impending arrival of Hurricane Katrina to hit land early tommorow morning and it will ulimately affect a large portion of the country.

The destruction this storm will cause is almost beyond comprehension.

My thoughts and prayers are with all those affected and especially my family members and friends who live in those regions and will be affected.

Divine Intervention?

A few weeks ago I read the most fascinating article about a family that lives in my area. I wanted to wait to see how the story unfolded before I commented.
Today there was a followup.
After reading the unlikely chances that these sisters would ever find each other you have to believe in Divine Intervention.
Lets keep this family in our prayers that this comes to an uncomplicated and quick resolution.

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12300662.htm

todays followup

http://www.contracostatimes.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/states/california/counties/alameda_county/12471274.htm

Dan's new adventure

Shamelessly, I, as the official Mom of Dan's blog, Journey Inside My Mind, I encourage everyone to take a peek and listen to his broadcasts.

Dan has aspired to being a radio deejay and now he has this opportunity.

Its hard for me to keep up with the technology but this is really creative.

Actually, I listened to it while reading e-mail and it was like listening to the radio.

He invites all comments from all of you to further improve or add content to his broadcasts.

Nice going Dan.And take the time to listen to the audio blogs with Keisha.When you hear about baby Hannah and baby Kitty they are so cute and entertaining.

Dan's 1st Official Podcast

For those of you who may be interesting in this kind of thing, I've posted the first official podcast of my blog, Journey Inside My Mind. Head on over and check it out! Or not.

scare in San Fransico

Yesterday morning breaking news cut into local programming.

There were substantiated reports of an explosion in the financial district which is also where some of the higher end shopping is located.

Needless to say it was a tense few hours in this area.

People were out on the streets and reporting they felt the buildings shake from as high as the 21st floor in some buildings.
One woman ( a pedestrian) had her clothes catch fire and was rushed off to a local burn center in serious condition.

What struck me as we were able to see footage the news crews could feed us was that although there was great concern everyone was relatively calm.

Apparently, businesses in the area have spent many hours training employees for a situation such as this and everyone responded as they should.Many reported it was frightening and were afarid to walk the stairs in the high rise office buildings but knew this is what they must do in order to reach safety.

Huge kudos to all those companies to put forth the effort the last few years to train their employees to be prepared.

At the same time there was an unsubstantiated claim a suspicios box had been found near or in the Federal Bldg in downtown San Fransisco not far from the explosion.

As it turned out there was an explosion of an electric transformer underground and its impact was so powerful it blew a concete lid many feet into the air and sent up a huge fireball and windows of buildings nearby were blown out.

We are grateful this is all it was and are grateful to know should the worse ever happen here all parties have a plan in place and it works.

One man reported once he heard the explosion he got on the phone to his office in NYC immediately and transferred all calls and work to that office.It took less than a minute and he was evacuating.

I am encouraged that scenes such as this would most likely be played out across the country.
We are a different nation now than we were the morning of 9/11.

Just as the Brits went on about their business after the recent bombings we would go on with the bussiness of operating our country as normally as could be expected.

That is the best way to win over evil.To continue to live your life and not be stopped.

During this time yesterday I was comforted because what i kept hearing in my head was " I am with you and I will not forsake you".

What better reassurance could one have?

domestic violence offender roundup

I read this article in my online version of the Houston chronicle this morning.

I applaud the efforts of all the agencies involved.
These offenders need to be off the streets so the victims can begin the road to healing.The offenders need to be held accountable in every aspect of society; society needs to develop a large intolerance to this issue.

Every one says they hate it; should get the offenders off the street etc.But what happens when it hits your family?
Often, its a different attitude when it hits close to home.Its OK when its someone else's problem; there is such a stigma attached to being a victim of domestic violence issues that its still misunderstood by the general public.

This article states they have been involved in PSA's to educate the population.Long overdue and it needs to become a national effort.

Until there is zero tolerance for domestic violence issues in any form starting in each individual family and reaching out to the communities it is allowed to continue to perpetuate.

Due to the generational components the time is now. Stastically, children growing up witnessing this behavior will become offenders themselves or allow themselves to be victimized.

Society needs to be educated what all forms of abuse are.

Education,information,intervention and incarceration are key components in stopping this.

SSD decision

Yesterday, I went to the mailbox to get the obligatory usual junk mail and was shocked to find a fat envelope from the Social Security Administration.
I wouldn't even open it for awhile because i was so afraid what would be inside it. I just didn't think I could handle bad news.

I had just talked to the attorney's office the day before to see if they had an update. She said Omar (my attorney) had filed his brief to the judge as had been discussed at my hearing, and in fact filed it ahead of scedule and they had even checked on my case a few days before and there was no news.

She said it could take another 60 days to hear back as it went through the review process.I asked what percentage of cases were rejected by the review committe once the judge had approved it. She said all their cases were always approved as far as she knew.
She said not to worry and if they heard anything they would call. She also said "most likely you will hear when we do as they mail each of us the decision at the same time".

So that is why I was confused and worried that I had received something in the mail so quickly and I couldn't call the attorney's office as they were closed. It was Satirday. I in fact did hear before they did which seems a little appropriate to me.

I finally decided to open and read it because even if it was bad news I had to know.

Right there is bold print at the top- Favorable Finding
I couldn't believe it. I mean I really couldn't believe it.
I had waited so lonmg to see those words.

It was one thing to know inside me I had waited 3 years and to tell people - 3 years - but when I saw the date of initial filing it really hit me how long it had been.
June, 2001.

So much has happened since then:

• Historically, it was 3 months before 9/11. That is what grabbed me and put it in context.
• My son was not in the Navy yet. That wouldn't happen until the following January. I don't even think he had talked to the recruiter yet at that point.
• I was not yet 50 years old.
• I was trying yet another reconcilliation with Paul.
• I was working still although it was hard.
• I had what I believed to be "so many friends".
• All my children were speaking to me.
• Going back to Ohio wasn't even a blip on the map.
• I knew nothing about being on the internet; that was for the kids, not me! A blog? Never heard of it.

To think someday my life would have so many twists and turns that I'd end up in a battered women's shelter and eventually Northern CA and see the Golden Gate bridge, Pier 39, Lombard St., the wine country, a major league baseball game 3x's was unthinkable.
Wouldn't even have dreamed it.

I was back then A divorced wife trying one more time to salvage a dead marrige, a devoted Mom and nana to 2 young grandgirls and one granddog named Duke and a grand cat named Anna.

I ws a loyal friend, empoloyee and community activist. I was involved on a volunteer fire department.

I was still trying to rebuild my life from a major flood years before that wiped us out.

I was still searching for answers to my medical situation. I was still believing there would be a magic drug that would be the answer.

I was believing the doctors had my best interests at heart. I was believing I'd always have insurance.

I believed my little part of the world was insulated.

Things sure changed over those 3 years.

Paul continued his wily ways to the point of alienating the entire family for his transgressions. Who would have ever fathomed that He would break up his own son's marriage through an affair with his daughter-in-law?

I had to leave the fire department and they then left my life.

All the so called friends vanished one by one and several even took up with my ex after we were really finally over and relished letting me know.

Others, once I wasn't working and couldn't finance the " good times' vanished as well. Many just didn't want to know or be reminded on a continuing basis I was no longer the active person they once knew.

I became increasingly more isolated as was able to be seduced by the so called caring attitude of a man who would later abuse me to the point I literally had to flee for my life with only the clothes on my back.

Family members abandoned me.

Maybe it was the bubble bursting that I wasn't perfect. What a burden that was to carry around all my life.

Maybe it was the chronic pain they couldn't deal with.

And all the moments of such excruciating, mind altering, life changing pain it has been. I tried to remember my last pain free day and I can no longer remember it.

The times I would be truly bipolar meaning the chemicals were imbalanced, medicine wasn't working or eventually none to take anymore because that option was no longer available to me.

The slippery slope downward and you know its happening but are powerless to change it; you try but you can't. But those around believe you can.

The hauntingly frightening moments that you grab ahold of any part of sanity you can find to get you through telling yourself "this will pass". And pray it does. The times you read your Bible and earnestly pray for forgiveness because you are who you are. The fervent prayers of healing that you claim and never materialize and you wonder if even God has abandoned you.

The times you struggle to make life work for yourself, but there is something in the way that trips you up. The times you wish you could just get a break so you could enjoy the reprieve even if was shortlived.

Then along the way the most miraculous things happened. There would be a someone somewhere who would perform a random act of kindness, and I'd take it as my creator showing me He hadn't forgotten me there was a different plan than the one I had.

The true caring people I have met online who have become such good friends in the truest sense of the word. I'd never had met them had I not been sick.

I've been able to share my knowledge and teach others when they were willing to be educated. And I've encountered those who have shared what they know with me. Don't ever think one person can't make a difference because each one of those "one" persons made a difference to me.

How can I ever communicate what my son Dan and my sister Mary have meant to my life in those 3 years? They were always there accepting me as I was, flawed. Their love and support and encouragement never wavered - not once.

I have 7 other siblings besides Mary; yet the rest for their own reasons have chosen to leave not just my life but my sister's also. It's their loss.

My other children, although I know they love me, do not accept me. They are entitled to feel what they wish. I still love them. They will be so quick to point out, "you always single Dan out as so special". You are damn right I do.

Not because I love him any differently or with more passion than I do the others, but because his qualities about himself shine so brightly they need to be acknowledged. And should any of the other kids ever read this there is a lesson there. You don't have to always agree or approve of me or my actions. You other 3 just forgot the significance of the word "Mother ".

I am truly grateful to God for all my experiences. I have led a terrific and interesting life. I only recently looked back at my life from its begining up to this point, and only then could I appreciate the life God has allowed me to live.

Not all of it was good; in fact a lot of it was horrendous. I've seen more than my share of ruthlessness, backbiting, condemnation, evil, turmoil and strife. However, along the way I have seen some of the most incredible courage, never-failing human spirit, kindnesses that were so silent they were deafening and undying love.

I've seen my country tested through unimaginable horrors. I've seen patriotism restored. I've seen the evidence of insatiable curiosity and wonder. I've been priveleged to see some of the beauty of God's world He created through travel and in meeting people who lived elsewhere, and I was blessed to meet them.

I have known some of the funniest senses of humors and engaged in many interesting and fascinating discussions.

All of it has brought me to this day. This day that I can still say, "guess what, I landed on my feet."

recycling

The saying I picked today is a cute one.
Compost- a rind is a terrible thing to waste!

I think we all could do a little better about recycling efforts if we think about it.
There are the obvious and usual ways we are now used to like the recycling bins in our homes or workplaces but what about nother ways?
There is a discussion in the message boards i read that is adressing the drought affecting a large part of the country.
An interesting suggestion that a lady made i would never have thought of and unfortunately most of us would say"I'm not doing that" was to put a 5 gal bucket in the tub and save the water that is usually going down the drain until the temperature is where we want it and use it to water houseplants or gardens.
Another was if you use dishwater to use it to dump over a compost pile.

Last week there was an e-cyvle drive here in my town that was accepting all old electronics for free.Normally there would be a $25.00 fee attached to eachitem dropped off.I am proud of Bob.Without any help from me he took the initiative to take ALL the old electronics he still had here and dropped them off.We calculated he would have spent $250.00 if he did it the usual way.Thje company collected more than 250000 pounds of recyclable material through this drive.You may not be aware that a computer has approximately 8 lbs of lead in it so if that goes to the dump that lead is leached out into the environment.
You may want to look into having your locale have one of these drives.

Other ways to recycle.There is an organization called www.freecycle.com and they are pretty much around the country.Its a way for people to recycle and repurpose items that would go to a dump or maybe a charitable organization that you would then pay money to have it.Another is craigslist.

We accumulate stuff to the point of obession now in this country.If we would live more organized lives we could avoid having our lives cluttered up.
There is an online newsletter I subscribe to called www.getorganized now that gives tips each Sunday to help with organization.In fact, Maria just recently started a blog herself to address this concern.http://getorganizednow.typepad.com/get_organized_now_weblog/
If we don't accumulate we ultimately don't have to worry about recycling it.How many of us may be guilty of not being able to find something so we just go buy another?

The subject in the saying for today- composting is a terrific recycling method for those who can apply it.Each time I have diligently committed to this I am amazed at how much stuff isn't going into the garbage or down the disposal but is in fact serving another purpose eventually.
In TX I used to save grass clippings and pine straw for mulching my beds.it was free and effective.In fact neighbors learned to check with me before they put their umpteen bags out for trash pickup.

The rile of thumb in your closets is if you haven't worn it in a year get rid of it.Donate to charity.Have a garage sale.Give to a family member or friend but get rid of it.

Paperwork.If it can be found online you don't need to keep it in paper form.the only exception is income tax records for 7 years. Look at the paperwork clutter that eliminates.
Shred and recycle the paper and eliminate it coming in if possible.

And volunteering is a form of recycling.We are recycling our energies and talents into another arena to be used for a purpose that either goes unfilled or would have to be paid for.Give someone the benefit of your experience and energy and amke a difference.

Meditate or give yourself some kind of spiritual connection on a daily basis to renew yourself.

Give advice to someone as in mentoring whether its just life experiences or in a professional forum.Recycle your talent and education to be used for the benefit of someone else.
We al know something about something and we know if we don't know the answer how to reference the person in a way they can find it.

Just some thoughts I wanted to share.

new sayings

I belong to the HGTV message boards and many viewers start topics and others comment on the topics.
I've enjoyed it as it keeps me in touch with how the reast of the world lives although some are a little out there.I crack up when they fret and wqorry if they should paint a room with SW117 or BM 35( Sherwin Williams and Bejamin Moore).These women have a worse life than i do if they are truly worried what the exact paint color of a room should be!
In sharing about my fibromyalgia and depression issues i have made some new " friends".Now, you are wondering what does that have to do with decorating? Not a thing.There is a thing called posting OT(off topic).Or in a thread someone will bring up something related to living or home management that eventually leads to a personal situation.
I have learned for instance that Topamax is prescribed for migraines and many have had success with it and they didn't know it can be prescribed for depression.
A lot of the posters have a little saying at the end of their post which is kind of like a signature.Many of them are really good so i thought each day I post I will share a saying and maybe see if I can relate an expwerience to it.
Today I chose" we cannot control the wind but we can adjust the sails".
I chose that one as it relates to my circumstances now.
And it relates to my life in general.
I didn't choose to be abused, molested, raped, to come down with fibromyalgia and its myriad of symptoms,to ne mentally ill.
Thjose were not choices anyone would make.however, that is what my life has given me so i make the best I can each day of what i have to work with.
Overall, really I am a positive person.I am an optimist.I am trusting even when I maybe should err on the side of caution.
I'm still learning to find the balance.
I try to take lemonms and make lemonade.
So if I've learned anything its that i may not be able to change circumstances around me but I have the power to change how I react to them.
Yesterday i received a call from a friend who among other things was threatening suicide.I took it seriously and gave the benefit of my knowledge and directed her to seek help and where and how to do it.
She chose to wallow in her misery.I know that kind of despair but I also know how unproductive it is.
I confronted truths with her that she didn't want to hear.As I told her you can't bullshit a bullshitter and I've walked that road myself.
I realized I could not take on her burden.i could only direct her to the help she needed and it was out of my hands.I planted the seed which was my only responsibility in this.
It was not for me to fix.
And i didn't let it affect the rest of my day.That was a huge factor for me.I, of course prayed for her but I let go and let God.
I adjusted my sails in that situation.
I have adjusted my sails in other aspects of my life as well.
There will always be wind and waves and rough seas throughout life but I always have the power to adjust my sails to weather them.
Soetimes my correction may need adjustment as i learn how to navigate the waters but I am confident my ship will always be righted by the time the storm ends.

going to be another hot one

Starting today on through at least Monday we are entering into another extreme heat alert here. We are expecting temps in the high 90's to 103 all days.
I never considered "microclimates" much before living here.
Everywhere else i had lived the climate was the same for many miles thropughout the geographical location.
Southwestern Ohio was pretty much the same as the Miami Valley and into Nothern KY and southeastern IN.The area I lived in north of Houston was pretty much the same for an 8 county region; even Galveston would report similar weather patters as we did although there was almost 90 miles difference. You had to get out to the hill country or up into deel east TX to start feeling a change.
I am amazedat how Mother Nature works here in this region.
San Fransisco itself will rarely report temps out of the 60's throughout the year.During a real heat spell they may go to mid 70's and that is there heat wave.They are unprepared for anything too hot.Except for businesses no one is air conditioned in the City.Usually there is no need.On normal days there usually is enough marine layer and the ensuing breeze it brings is nature's air conditioning.
:ast night as i was sitting in front of fans waiting for the fog to make it out this far we were watching the Giants game.Small children were bundled into winter coats and adultds had on hooded sweatshirts tied tight.It was such an odd sight to see.here it was early August, swe;tering daytime temperatures here inland yet 40 miles away they had to wear winter coats.
I've been in the City a few times and you always want to have at least a sweater if not cool weather clothing available.
If you look at a map of the area you woul;d of course look east towards Oakland. Outside of Oakland is the Caldecott tunnels where they bore through the mountains to develop out in the eastern regions many, many years ago.
If you ride the tunnel you definately feel the temperature shift as you are near the tunnel there can be a dratic 15 degree change just right there.
The further east you go the warmer it gets.We are on what they call the Delta. My town sits on an inlet of the Sacramento River.
Our weather is more determined by the desert climate of Nevada and Arizona than San Fransisco only 40 miles away.
So someone looking on a weather map would get a clearer picture of our weather by looking at Sacramento weather than San Fransisco weather. No mountain passes per se to block the air although Lake Tahoe is only a couple of hours away and is in the mountains.
I just think its fascinating to see the different microclimates in this area.A weather report on the news here is broken into sections.
The peninsula which includes San fransisco; the North Bay and above which will start out similar to the City but as you get further north it gets hot and dry again; the East Bay whioch includes Oakland is similar to the City but always a little warmer and Inland which is where I am and will almost always vary from the City.If the city is going to have a heavy marine layer it can take 2 days to reach out this far if it doesn't burn off before.
We don't have AC here in this house so it can get miserable.Yet at night unless we are in a heat wave as soon as the sun goes down the temperature can drop 20-30 degrees at night and windows have to be closed.
Its just an interesting phenomenon to me.
Right now its so dry.All the rain we had during the wet winter and spring made for lush growth on the mountains and prairie but with no rain reported now for a couple of months and the extreme temperatures we are in the height of wildfire season.
Everyone is very cautuous.There have been a few wildfires nearby but they have been under control in ashoty lenght of time.
Its frightening to see acres upon acres go up like kindling in just a snap of the finger.
So far i have yet to experience the other phenomen here; earthquakes. We have small ones everyday 2.0 or under the Richter scale but you don't feel them.
I don't want to ever go through one.For me that would be more frightening than a tornado or hurricane and they are frightening.But, they have a certain predictiblity to them. forecasters can know the liklihood it going to happen and when it will be over.There is shelter from them.
There is no shelter from the earth opening up and how do you know when it will start and end and return.
I don't dwell onit.I have learned the idea that we are supposed to get into a doorway is wrong.Most residential buildings were not built with seismic movement in mind so they are actually very unsafe during an earthquake.You are supposed to get outside away from any structures like into the middle of the street.
I will have a heart attack and drop unconscious or just die if I am ever in a big one so it won't matter!
Its interesting to ride the Bay Bridge and know that is where the big earthquake hit during the Worls Series of 1989.The lower deck is what you ride to head east out of San fransisco or Oakland and the upper deck is what you ride to head towards the City.
If you recall the upper deck fell into the lower deck during that quake.
They are in the process of rebuilding a new bay Bridge to withstand furthwer seismic activity but it has met delays due to political posturing and he said/she said kind of goings on.there has been a recent FBI investigation because the union that welded the parts togethe rclaim the material was hsoddy and inferior and there was payola going on.Work came to a screeching halt about the time I arrived here.The FBI determined this was false and have allowed the work to resume.
The cranes that are used to build this structure are immense.Its no egeration to say it would take someone 30 minutes to walk from ground ( sea) level to the top.They of course have an elevator sytem in place but these are huge.
Its just interesting to me to live in an area where there is so much history.i have been blessed to have those experiences in my life.
In Ohio there was historical significance in many area;of course in TX there was and now here.
To be around or even see the places you had read about but are witnessing with your own eyes is a gift to me.
To be in the City by the Bay and see the homes that made it through the 1906 earthquakes; the Golden Gate Bridge majestically jutting out of the mountain side across the water over to the peninsula; to be at the Piers and look out and see Alcratraz and know the history of it, to see how close it appears yet its an optical illusion and understand why some tried escaping but none were succesful; to be a Pier 39 with its history; to ride through Chinatown and remember heqring about it as a chil;d and understanding the Oriental influence in the Bay area and next to Chinatown is Japan town lesser known but also historical.To ride past acres and acres of vineyards and relaize you are in wine country USA.Beforehand it was PBS documentary or news story or a picture on a label of a beverage.To go past acres and acres of farm land and see the migrant workers hard at work realizing there are faces to the stories we heard on the news.I can go back to the Cesar Chevez days and the notion of supporting migrant farm workers was more an idealogical idea than something tangible yet here they were in front of you.they could be your neighbors.
The wildlife here that we just read about. And of course the endless traffic which to me is worse than Houston any day.
Its dirty, unkempt.Californians are not friendly by nature as Texans were.There isn't a sense of community I feel here as I did there.
I have lived here all this time and have said hello to two neighbors the rest don't even wave.
The sky high prices( higher than a giraffe's ass I say) aremind boggling to me and i think always will be.
Native CA are kind of proud of that fact I've discovered.Its like a badge of honor; a medal they wear, stating they survive the high prices.personally. to me i just think its ridiculous so I am not popular.
There is a lifesytle to be enjoyed here but few can enjoy it because they are constantly working to support even the basics.
For most retirees it isn't a choice to work after retirement but where.
Politically, its time to pay the piper now for all the wonderful benefits Californians have enjoyed over the years.
Cutbacks and cutthroats to education, social programs, infrastructure and health care are high on everyone's concern list which is true across the country but more prevalent here because Californians for decades just supported their grandiose notions of more and more by referendums after referundums.
Even now, the once popular Terminator turned governator is feeling the heat because he wants to do what he was elected to do and the reality has sunk in to the people of this state.
its just an interesting time to live here.
And, the area is proud of one of their own today as Astronaut Robinson makes the precent setting spacewalk today to repair the shuttle to ready it for its rteturn flight and reentry.
he is a native of Moraga.There is a corridor right after the tunnel I mentioned on the east side they call " LaMorinda. It is speaking of the areas of Lafayette. Moraga and Orinda.Its a tony area as are several other areas nearby.
He seems to be an all arounfd good guy as does the rest of the crew and I do wish them a safe reentry and landing home.

Just thinking

Since my last post we have learned the shuttle will be grounded until they fix the problems; good idea.i wish God's blessings on the crew making it safely home.I know we all will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Since i have come to accept my situation its been a little different for me.
For the first time in a long time, if ever, I can see somewhat of a direction I am supposed to take.My goal is my own serenity and joy in whatever forms that means for me.
I still get anxious and even the depression sets in a lot but I know I will live through it.I will because I have before.
This is not sayinmg i don't need my meds because i know I do; it is saying that i know there is Someone with mewho has been with me throughout all my challenges.

My days are spent doing a lot of soul searching and peeling the layers off like peeling an onion to get back to the roots of it all.
I needed to be needed.Thats one of my lessons I learned.I am different now.With the old way it allowed me to be in situations that weren't always in my best interest buit were for sure in som,eone else's best interest.

Bob and i are friendly and cordial so i am not in any harm.I don't think he actually knows how to take me now.
I'm not overly conversational because once a few glasses of wine are consumed I would be having a conversation with the wine not him.He is really put out at what I know.I quietly told him recently I could appreciate it may annoy him but I wasn't going to apaologize for knowing what i know, on any subject.It occurred to me that I think indirectly he actually feels inferior to me.
Since my new attitude i am able to observe things in a different light.I think he is a terribly insecure person.I notice he will be unkind in some comments he will make about other people; some coworkers, sports players, friends.
He is a sexist chauvanist and I really never saw it until recently.
He doesn't show a lot of empathy which i find unappealing.

I knew I had made progress when last night I informed him that i read in the paper that the recycling place was letting people drop off any and all electonics for free on Sunday only.Normally, there is a $25.00 fee for each item.
He has one TV left to get rid of, his original VCR bought in 1071, 2 tuners, a turntable, the 8 track player 2 receivers and some other stuff. right away he began to make excuses to keep some of it.I stayed calm and just said. " well. I just wanted to let you know because I know you don't read that section of the paper and I don't think they are advertising it anywhere else".
The other me would have felt it was my mission to convince him how much better it would be to be rid of these things.
He has a problem and its his problem.I didn't get into another relationship to have a cause or a mission.
All my life I took on everyone's problems and tried to be the problem solver.
He went fishing on his day off with his buddy. When he returned he wanted to be conversational because he had enjoyed getting out.
By the time he returned I was tired, it was very hot.The inside temp in the house was 96 with 3 fans blowing on me and I had taken 3 showers already.I was fighting the migraine.Needless to say,I wasn't in a conversing mood.
So then he said," hows your day going"? My answer was pretty much like yesterday and last week and last month.
I haven't been anywhere since we went to his friend's sons graduation party in June.
He has not been carpooling and he makes the grocery runs so there is no use for me to use the truck.
I had asked once that it would nice if he could consider me on one of his days off.Sundays are usually spent with consuming the wine from early morning so he falls asleep by noon.the other days off are spent doing things for himself like fishing.
Its OK; its his life, his truck, his house, and his money.I hope they keep him happy when I am no longer here.

He really offended me a couple of weeks ago.it was keisha's birthday and I had a few things in a box that i had actually got in May the last time I shopped.I aleted him the week before that it needed to be shipped.He asked if it could wait until his payday which was after her birthday. I again reminded him.He took another week to send it.That hurt me because I disappointed my grandaughter and there was no reason to do it.He said he kept forgetting to take care of it.
He works for the Post Office.he delivers parcels everyday.Wouldn't that jog your memory?

But I have to say his nephews card which needed to be mailed around the same time is sitting on the piano.
And he hasn't returned his brothwer's call for more than a week so i'm not the only one he ' forgets".

There is no way i could have known these thingsabout him unless i came here.I can't kick myself.I asked all the right questions and asked them many times in different forms before i came here.You have to depend on someone's honesty.
I don't think he sees himself as dishonest.He sees it more as not fully disclosing.Is there a difference?

I've accepted that whatever grief i feel is for a relationship i thought i had but in reality that relationship never existed.Unlike the relationship with Oscar for instance.That relationship was very real.It wasn't always pleasant but there was reality to it.

Asd many women want I wanted a life with someone that was special. unique. I wanted to love and be loved; to be cherished, honored, respected, appreciated among othe rthings.
Thats what i searched my whole life for.I have learned i may not get it.Or not with a someone.
However, I can love, respect, cherish and appreciate me in my relationship with myself.

I still haven't heard anything back from the attorney on the SSD case; I will call this week as its been 30 days now.
I need that to be settled before I can leave here and move on with my life.

My physical health as well as mental health needs attention.I am in a lot of pain and that is getting hard to handle.

So thats my update to this point.

shuttle returns to space

It was truly awesome to watch all the footage this morning of the shuttle returning to flight.
I remember hearing when Columbia was lost.I was living with Dan and the family in Dayton and I couldn't believe it had made it almost back to earth; so close but still so dangerous.
Over the beloved State of Texas, up in the farmlands of the Piney Woods of deep east TX laid the strewn wreckage.
I had visited the area not just a few months before.
Such a typical American hometown place of lots of little towns, one turning into the next only distinguished by the road signs.Just an ordinary place that such an extraordinary event would happen.
These people where like my neighbors.I had lived in the Houston area for 25 years and NASA was part of the community as any big business is in any town.Its one of the things that distinguishes Houston from the rest of the world.Its howthe name "Astros" came about and other words we use now in our lives that we don't give a second thought to.Asrtroturf, Astrodome.Yes, Houston was " Space City, USA" and family members were in mourning and I couldn't go home for the funeral.
I stood on that porch and figured out a way to lower the American Flag to half staff even thoughit wasn't made that way and in the cool breeze just stared south on that hilltop towards Wright-Patterson AFB.
Many times i had watched military aircraft fly over to and from the base, even Presidential aircraft but it was eerily silent just at that time.
Just the flag whip[ping in the wind, some leaves rusting around on the ground and my thoughts clamoring to be heard inside my head, each reaching out to as if to say " don't forget about me".
I remember as a young girl when John Glenn first orbited the earth and what a thrill it was.How proud I was to be American and a Buckeye.
Then Neil Armstrong walked on the moon and Dan's dad and I watched it on TV;again a proud moment for Americans and Buckeyes.
We used to travel through Wapokonetta when Dan was an infant and stopped for a drink.He would just laugh and laugh at the very mention of the word Wapokonetta". It became a family joke.
I was helping a very sick friend when Challenger had its disaster.Neither of us could believe it was true.
How could this happen?A schoolteacher was on board.Family as well as the rest of the world were watching.
Then that morning as Columbia was reentering the atmosphere minutes from touchdown family watched the horror again.
We had become complacent.The shuttle lost its ability to awe us by that point.It became routine.We took it for granted.
I heard someone say the mood at NASA has changed because of this so maybe there is a benefit to it.
I hope we always stay awestruck at something so magnificent as this hunk of metal propelled towars the heavens and its work is to discover new things about the world we live in.
When I was young I used to think the whole space program was a big bunch of goobly glop but as I grew up I began to understand the value in it.
As Dan's dad would say " isn't science wonderful"?
So to the men and women who work together around the country to to pull something like this off you have restored faith back into something that was dying off.
All of are to be commended.from the janitorial staff to the leaders and the asronauts themselves congralulations on a job well done.

haven't I been down this road?It looks so familiar to me.

I haven't posted for awhile.I haven't felt well for weeks; thats some of it.
I have also been battling a huge migraine for days that has all teh symptoms they manifest.
I don't know if its related to the extreme heat we are having(as well as the rest of the country) and we don't have AC.Or is it stress?
Me, stress, now there's a thought!
Things have really deteriorated here between Bob and myself.
Oh, he is still very kind in most ways but there is a strain now that hadn't been there.
I discovered quite by accident ( isn't God good) that almost all of what he told me while I was in TX was not true.
Kind of funny since he is the one who made honesty an issue; our mantra. Shortly after i arrived the lies began to unravel as they do.
He was still involved with someone up to my arriving here;when she found out about me she went ballistic.Kind of ironic because she was married.They pulled it off because she lived in another state and they had met a few times half way in between.Yhey had been engaged before he went into the Navy and i guess they wanted to see if they had missed something.
regardless, he knew from the first conversation we had I would never be part of a triangle.
It gets better.He had been in a long term relationship for many years that supposedly ended 10 years before.Over time I discovered they are still talking on the phone, having dinner and who knows what else.
Very suspicious.She wasn't told he was involved with someone or that I was here for over 3 months after I arrived.
He has discussed me with her.He did not have my permission to do so and vilated a boundary.
The disorganization and mess in this house is incredible.It was purported that i would come here and all i needed to get this job done would be at my disposal.
That has not been the case.
If he wants or needs to live this way thats fine but he knows I don't and won't so there is a stalemate.I was very clear while I was in TX as to how I lived. I was very clear when i visited here last September.
I am embarrased as to the condition of this house and that I live here this way.
I am someone who needs color, design and joy reflected back at me in my surroundings.I was so very clear on that.
As time went by i'd catch more and more slip ups.
He drinks wine excessively and if I was still codepandant i'd take him on as a cause.Not now.I'm so past that.
He doesn't get loud or obnoxious; he sleeps.
He does what my Dad used to do to my mother and thats the silent treatment.
It is so counterproductive.
He finally admitted that all he really wanted was a maid and cook.That may have been ok had it been discussed with me ahead of time.I doubt it.
But to go a year talking to someone everyday for hours and never bring out truth is more than I want to deal with.
I am alone here about 12 hours a day which has actually given me time to really think about how I ended up here in this situation.
I still am waiting for news on the finalization of the SSD case. I still don't like that I may not have control over my own money but can see the wisdom of the courts because of my history to do it that way.
I think I've decided when all is said and done to go back to Ohio.
I couldn't live here even if I wanted to; its so overpriced.
I really love TX but there is no reason to be there now.
I have my son, daughter-in-law and grandaughter in Ohio as well as my only sister who speaks to me.In fact, we are the only siblings of us 9 who speak at all.
I won't like the winter but I'll try not to complain.
I would be returning to my hometown;some of it has changed drastically and some is still the way it was.
I am looking forward to being on my won again.
I haven't had my own home for quite awhile.
I really enjoyed being with Dan,Jennie and Keisha in Dayton but they have their place now and its best I do too.We can visit a lot and I will be available to help with Keisha when needed.
If possible i am going to give myself an extra bedroom to be used as an office/ guest room/ craft room.Why? I just want to thats all and I figure when you get this age you should give yourself what you want when you can.
I want to have family dinners at my house again and have my grandaughter and neice spend the night giggling in the next room.
I want to hide Christmas presents from Keisha that she may find in her own house.
I want to pick her up and go for an ice cream cone and she can confide secrets to me and me to her!
I want to be the sagey matriarch who imparts the wisdom she has accumulated and shares the recipes and tells the stories of those who lived ahead of us so they can continue to be told after us.
I want to be there to look the guy over when Keisha goes on her first date. I know how guys can be; they aren't going to get over on me with my granddaughter!
Do I regret coming here? Not really. I regret that someone chose to be dishonest because it makes him a sad person.
Do I feel any obligation to him? No.
Will we remain friendly? Maybe only time will tell.
Will I ever be involved with someone else.
Who knows?
I wasn't looking when Bob came into my life and I'm not looking now.
I don't need a man in my life today. However, I do need me in my life today.
Its been a challenge to go through all this unmedicated.Don't everunderestimate the power of prayer.
Maybe someday there will be a someone I can share something with but thats not my focus now.
I will be mighty skeptical in the future.Coming off the heels of suppossed honesty will be a tough act to follow.
I don't think I will signing up for any dating service anytime soon.
This past couple of years has been a training ground for me to be on my own and to be happy about it.
So some may say well he wasn't an abuser. Think again. The characteristics were there just more benevolent.
Control is control no matter how pretty a bow you put on it.
He is a good person who makes some bad choices.
And i've made my share of incorrect choices.
I think maybe its time to go back to my hometown and start all over again with all the knowledge I have gained since I left.

bombing in England

I haven't felt well the last few days and have been distracted by some goings on here but I really wanted to post to let those who may read this across the ocean know my symphathy and regret over yesterday's bombing.
Regardless how any of us feel about the war or whether we should be there or not no country or one of its residents or visitors should have to live in fear of terrorists.
They are monstrous cowards and i hope the world resolves to never bow down to them.
I don't understand that there could be a belief system that would promote viloence and its comrades- evilness, maiming, death, fear and outrageous behavior as something to follow much less believe in.
Regardless who someone thinks of as their God that God would want peace and tranquility.
For the victims of yesterdays tradegy my heart aches for all of you and for all the rest of the world as it shows we all are victims in this monstrosity called Al-Queida.
As part of the human race we can't back down. We have to unite together. Mothers hearts break regardless which cause you believe in when a life is taken away or shattered by violence.
I know this isn't going to end anytime soon but the people who perpetrate this type of violence should know good always wins over evil.