Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Its been CRAZY here the last few days. There is more drama here than on any soap opera.
The thief is still loose. We have it narrowed down to who we think it is but haven't been able to catch her in the act so staff will do nothing to intervene.
Last night the lady in the room next to mine said her daughter found a Prozac and she reported it to staff. One of the other ladies was missing meds one being Prozac. She is in the room on the other side.
The suspected thief rooms with the lady in the next room.
The thief also may be a potential sexual molester. There have been words, attitudes and mannerisms to a lot of people that have raised eyebrows. She came back in one night drunk and ran her mouth and admitted she was bisexual.
She has made overtures to another daughter of another family. The daughter freaked out because one of the issues they came in here on was incest.
That family is moving out today.
The staff will not exit this gal or even move her to an adult room. The lady in the next room said her girls wouldn't even sleep in their room last night.
There was another one here they got rid of that had gang connections and was up all night everynight doing computer porn.
She was always running her mouth on a sezxual nature and made many of us uncomfortable.
Four new families came from another shelter in a nearby town and knew this girl from there and they said she was exited because she was caught exposing a child to pornographic pictures.
That is just some of the drama.
I have met everyday with my case manager since she returned from the holidays and am finding out she doesn't know squat about being helpful.
I have done more on my own.
She has even questioned me on that I don't have facts correct and called places in front of me to prove me wrong.She then found out I was right.
There isn't the help available to me because I don't have underage children. I am falling through the cracks.
I have an appointment tomorrow with the public assistance agency to see about meds. That's all they will do and that is at least something.
Another lady here found out about another medical program on her own that her case manager knew nothing about.
Many of us are really angry because we were told through the holidays to just wait until the case managers came back and they would be so helpful. They haven't been.
A lot of the information they have is outdated yet they use as criteria to determine your stay here.
We had a group yesterday and we really let it loose.
We complained about the food issue, the respect of some staff to us and the level of trust and confidentiality that we have caught being broken by staff to staff and to some residents.
We have one that is 24 and tries to run this like a drill sargeant. If you don't do your chores to her specifications she will come get you out of bed and make you redo it. I am talking about some petty stuff not something that would really be an issue.
The other day it was muddy and she was hell bent on seeing " who ' was tracking in mud so we all had to show her the bottom of your shoes even if you were in your room. We had been sweeping and mopping up mud all day so it wasn't an issue except to her.
She threatens to exit us if the least little thing doesn't go her way.
I told her the other day I could get abused at home I didn't need to be in a shelter to get it.
I have such a level of distrust of people right now and things here have only confirmed my beliefs.
Yet out in the community this place is so recognized as a leading place for women to come to to get help.
I was told by the hospital and the mental health clinic this was the place I needed to be so that is why I came here.
I can't say I have really been helped.
I wish professional people could come out of denial and admit that maybe they don't everything because they learned it in a book and sometimes people who are living a situation may actually know what they are talking about.
But, I am not college educated so what would I know.
We even have staff that when we get really into honesty they will say " subject change ".
And we will have to listen to something about their boyfriend or how their car isn't running right, etc.
If I wasn't experiencing thios myself I wouldn't have believed it.
I am so tired of being lied to and manipulated.
Being here has brought a lot of stuff to surface that I have had to recognize about myself and my past and it hasn't been a pleasant experience.
Nonetheless, it is good that its surfacing.
I admitted to my case manager that I am chronically suicidal Not that right now this minute I would act on it but the desperation, hopelessness and fear of the future are always present.
It could be as simple as being diagnosed with cancer and refusing chemo.
She made me promise if I felt I would act on it to let a staff person know.
I was totally honest. I told her I would say yes because that is the right thiong to say. However, if and when an opportunity presented itself and I was feeling that terrible depression I wouldn't come find someone.
I also told her I knew she needed me to say that to absolve her or this place of any liability.
They think we are stupid.
I have my faith and that sustains me through all this.
A cute thing happened last night on a lighter note.
A little girl who reminds me of Keisha when she was 3 is here and she was really afraid of " monsters'. She shared this with me so I took her to all the doors and we prayed.
" Dear God, make the monsters go away. Amen"
Her Mom said when she went to bed she wanted to pray likew the lady did so they did and she slept all night. The first time in a long time.
There are kids here who have witnessed violence to a degree that is a;most incomprehensible.
It breaks my heart.
I do find my humor though.
Especially at night. There are 4 to a room so its hard to fall asleep sometimes and there are noises from the TV and other areas. I haven't rested since I have been here.
I can get real silly.
We have a code name we have to use if we we are out and have to come back in.
The other night I was talking about something and then said my name hesitated a few seconds and then said the code name just as we have to use it here. They all started cracking up. So now my new last name is this word and I was triple dogged dared to use it on a sign up sheet for a grou[p and I did it. I remarkably didn't get into trouble yet.
Then we also have to punch in # and a number so I told this one gal when we got out I would call her and say " Margaret ---; # and the #.
We all laughed for about 5 minutes. I know its not as funny to anyone else; you had to be there.
Anyway, its time for our delightful evening meal.
I would really hate to miss it!!
The other night it was a baked potato. We imagined meat and veggies with it.
So everyone take care and keep me in your prayers.

No comments: