Saturday, January 10, 2004

The thief was busted and Finally owned up.
The next day her roommate had some missing so the thief was asked if she took it and acted all upset. She wanted to know why everyone thought she took it.Duh...
Now she says she is going into rehab. We'll see.
She really got upset when I told her I couldn't stand a liar or a thief.
Well, if the shoe fits. All the women here have tried to give her the benfit of our experiences. I don't think she is really out of denial. She has three little boys who just want their Mama to be good.
One of the girls got good news. Her abuser was caught Thursday. She is one I mentioned when I first got here.
Unfortunately, the state she is from has a law that no matter the charge you can bail out within 24 hours.
We convinced her that after he is tried and in prison to work on changing the law. If succesful, it will be named after her child who witnessed more brutality than any person should ever have to witness.
We now hope he won't be a flight risk. She in some ways is in more danger right now than she ever was.
Keep her family in your prayers.
We have groups almost everyday and I am learning a lot.
I now know the cycle of violence.
For those who don't know it starts out with the tension building phase.
It moves on to the violence phase; which can mean verbal, emotional, psychological as well as physical abusiveness.
Next comes the romance phase or is commonly called the honeymoon phase. That is where the abuser is sorry and promises it will never happen again.
A common misconception is that some women will stay because they must want to be abused.
The abuser thinks she is OK with it because of the honeymoon phase.
What is really happening is that the abuser has returned to what she knew as his " normal " self. She feels safe again.
But the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter.
A common expression among all women who have lived with violence is that they feel they are walking on eggshells. The tension is so intense that the one being abused can only focus on doing anything that will eliminate the tension phase.
The result is clummsiness, worrying, forgetfullness, anxiety, sleep and eating changes.
We had one group on the effects of children witnessing violence in their home. It is a fact that statistically they will grow up and be ADHD, self-mutilate or harm themselves in some way and have drug or alcohol issues. (0% of abusive men witnessed violence within their own home while growing up.
Its only been recent that the facts started coming together.
So women who say they are staying for their children are not doing their children justoce.
I know I did in my first marriage and I witness the result of that now with the children of that marriage.
The clergy and church needs to come out of denial on this issue.
Love will sometimes hurt but it is never supposed to harm.
I have had to reckon myself this past week with what living with violence and abuse has done to my life and that in a lot of ways I also inflicted it on others around me.
That is a big pill to swallow.
I am still falling through the cracks as far as a lot of resources because I am not yet 55 and/or I don't have underage children.
I did finally get with public assistance this week and have to come up with a couple more documents but I will get to see a doctor and can get 3 meds a month. It will cost $7.50 for each which is a lot of money when you have none. That's another catch.
Women with underage children can get a cash benefit from the state. I don't qualify.
Women with children are first to get housing and other resources and I totally understand it. Yet, there are people like me who are falling through the cracks.
This shelter has strict criteria to be able to stay here for a short time.
NO ifs and s or buts.
They aren't as helpful as far as being pointed in the right direction.
I am finding out about some resouces or the potential of some on my own.
The expectation would be if I can find this out why isn't the case managers equally informed? And, don't question my credibility when I give you a response to a certain pusuit that the outcome wasn't what was expected.
We come in here having not been believed. We don't need it from staff.
I have met a few women who are strong Christian women and we are developing a friendship. We are not friends. I remind people of that daily.
I didn't know them before I got here and most I will never see or talk to after I leave.
It doesn't mean I am not empathetic of their situation however I have my own issues I am dealing with.
I don't get any more caught up in the drama than I absolutely can avoid.
I walk away from it whenever possible.
There have been a few instances that I couldn't.
My trust level is very low.
I have over my life really trusted and been burnt every time.
I am really cautious now.
I am picking who I associate with not letting them pick me.
I also am very straight forward about it.
The manipulators don't know what to make of me.
And, they think they are so slick.
They don't like it when they are confronted with an issue and its put to them straight up.
I have actually had to tell a couple of them I don't believe you.
At one time I would have but not anymore.
I have been lied to so many times in my life that I can pretty well spot it now.
The other day I was laughing with a couple of the women and one said that was the first time she had heard me really laugh.
I said I must be in withdrawal. I hadn't heard yet that day that I was stupid, ugly, fat or a slut.
There was humor but there was also a lot of truth.
That was an awakening.
So, that's it for now.
Keep me in your prayers.

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