Sunday, January 18, 2004

Things here are calm right now. The ones that were troublemakers have been weeded out.
We have a good group. We are very supportive of each other.
yet, we know it won't last.
There is one bed in my room that we call the pshcho bed. The last three intakes that ended up in my room were VERY interesting if you know what I mean.
The joke is don't even give them sheets or toiletries because they aren't staying that long.
We had one that claimed she was abducted from Wal-Mart parking lot by three black men,taken to the Ramada Inn and forced to use crack and smoke pot under threat of being shot with AK-47's and then raped. BUT, she was laughing about it and we caught her in so many lies.
She ended up at Wal- Mart because she was reporting to her probation officer on Saturday but they were closed for lunch. She was supposedly there for a UA ( pee test for drugs).
She said the cops didn't buy her story and I told her I didn't either.
She lasted here overnight and took off.
Then another one was here for a day but went home because she was out of cigarettes.
The other one was just a kook.
Tonight the hispanic women were trying to teach us how to "punta dance".
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
I needed it because the day started off with a lot of anxiety and depression.
I really need my meds. I have been hurting so bad I can't stand it. I am using over the counter Ibuprofen but they only let you have 2 tablets twice a day. That isn't even half the dose of one prescription pill I was taking not counting the other pain management stuff.
I have been having a real problem sleeping. i have nightmares or the pain keeps waking me up.
I got a bottle of Vitamin B to help with the anxiety and to relax for sleep but it isn't helping much. I know I need to sleep for the mania so this is starting to be a real problem. I am cycling more now than I have in a long time. I finally wa given 2 appoint,ments to see Social Security docs for my disability claim. I don't know how I am going to get there because I don't have a car anymore and they won't provide transportation here.
I will probably only be able to stay here for a couple of more weeks and then I will be exited because my time is running out.
I am having trouble finding an apartment because I don't have verifiable income and"or some other issues.
I am not yet 55 and I don't have minor children so I don't qualify for State aid.
My disability claim hasn't been approved yet so I can't claim that.
I will figure something out.
I allow myself to cry and just tell myself this too shall pass.
I have been forced to remember things from my past that have been repressedfrom seeing certain situations here and hearing other stories from the other women here.
We even had one here who ws accused of molesting children. She was accused and then we found out she was in another shelter previous to here and was exited for the same issue.
That brought up issues of the incest and sexual assualts that were repressed.
I have remembered more abuse from my father since I have been in here.
We have a support group almost every day and through these some of thes issues have come to light.
The woman I talked about in an earlier post has left and gone back to her home state. We are very concerned for her safety.
Please keep her and her children in your prayers. Someday I will tell her story. It is the worst case of horrendous abuse anyone could ever experience.
She is writing her autobigrapy and if ti is ever published I will reccomend it. She is very young as has had to endure horrific abuse.
The night before she left she had a bad dream that I pray was not prophetic.
There is a plaque outside with the name of 5 women who have been in this shelter but were murdered by there abuser when they left.
In her dream she said we were all sitting on the porch and she was walking up towards us but we couldn't see her.
As she walked past the plaque she looked down and her name was on the plaque.
It gave me cold chills.
She had to return to her homestate to testify in front of a grand jury but her abusers family is lookin for her. If they ever find her they will kill her and the children.
They are capable. That is all I can reveal.
As I said she needs constant prayer.
On a lighter note we all are finding our humor again. We have private jokes between us. The staff doesn't know what to do with us.
The other night instead of a support session we taken on a field trip to an auto repair shop and a guy from AAA gave great discussion. We all learned a lot and fun just getting out. On the way bavk we were making jokes about all kinds of stuff that would only be funny to other women in our situation. The staff member didn't know what to think.
Imagine 14 women in an old white van who haven't been out for awhile.
I found out my youngest is out to sea somewhere in the world. That is all he can say so keep him in your prayers and Dan and Jennie are having a hard time. Not that he tells me much because I think he doesn't want me to worry. He doesn't understand I am worried because I don't know what is going on.
My oldest daughter still isn't speaking.
And the youngest daughter is going to college and right now is taking a math class that is tough for her.
I am so proud of her because she is learning disabled but is determined to go to nursing school. She has wanted to do something in the medical profesion since was in 3rd grade.
She qualifies for tutoring because of her disabilities but she won't ask.
I found out recently that she has driven to Florida and Dallas. This from someone who was afraid to go on the freeway a couple of years ago.
I really love my kids.And I am so sorry for all the grief and anquish I have put them through because of wrong choices I have made in my life.
I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I know Jesus has forgiven me; I am my worst enemy.
Its something I work on daily.
Thank you to buddies who kep in touch with E-mail. I really appreciate it.
Your encouragement goes a long way.
So until next time....

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