Wednesday, February 11, 2004

I had to stop to do my nightly chores but had some time and wanted to come back to the subject.
Through support groups and counseling I learned I never got what I was supoosed to get from either parent and was abused by both in different ways. It was hard to face and to come to grips with the recognition of all the facts of this; especially from my mother. You have to understand, we were raised that in our house she was revered. She was put on a pedestal.
To have to recognize that I suffered abuse from her all my life while she was alive and and suffered " failure to thrive" at her hands is pretty hard to face. I love her but do not like what she did. I love my father but do not like what he did.
I don't know if I can say I love my brothers. I know I can say I hate what they did.
All those things formed me to make incorrect choices as a young adult.That led me into further abuse.
I suffered some pretty unspeakable abuse at the hands of my first husband. I have remained reluntanct to talk about about it because of the kids. I have kept quiet for for 35 years.
I have protected him by protecting them.
Yet the memories are still there as real as yesterday; just as many of the memories of my childhood.
I've remembered things and events from childhood that I hadn't recalled in all these years until being here.
I was never safe to recall them until being here.
I was never safe to discuss them until being here.
There was one man once in my life for 18 months that I think really loved me and I sent him away. I couldn't believe in it. Nothing good ever really happened to me. How I regret that decision.
Self-fulfilling prophesy I guess.
My parents were so damaging to my self-esteem.
I was raised to believe that the boys were better than we girls.
I was raised to believe that because I was premature I was worthless and costly, One brother told me that I meant that there was going to be more of nothing.
I spent my life trying to make up for my existence.
Until I came here I don't think I ever felt I belonged somewhere except when I had my own place for awhile.
Its kind of pitiful to be 51 and first learning some of these skills.
I don't really primp or care what I wear. I should. I observe other women. I think I am going to but I never get around to it.
I just have never really learned how to do all of that.
And i have gained so much weight over the last few years that I don't even feel good if I would do it.
And when you are beaten down emotionally you don't want someone to notice you.
You want to fade into the background.
I believe a new me is emerging.
The caterpillar will become the butterfly eventually. As it happens in nature it is a struggle. If the struggle doesn't happen the butterefly dies.
It has to do it on its own.

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