SSD hearing

The long awaited SSD hearing was today.
It was a long day. Bob and I had to leave early this morning due to the traffic heading into Oakland and we weren't exactly sure where we were going.
Bob was not allowed into the federal Bldg because he had been mistakenly carrying around his expired driver's license. I told him when he got the new one to cut up the old one but in his convulated way of holding onto everything he kept it. So I had to go it alone.

Present was myself and my attorney, whom I had not met until that time, a doctor for Social Security, a vocational expert for Social Security, the judge ( for Social Security) and his clerk.
My file consisted of 2 large folders of information each, literally, about 2 feet thick. And it was considered to be not documented well.
However, what documentation there was was consistent.
Today was the first time I had a chance to review the report the doctor I had to see in Benicia wrote up after he evaluated me a few weeks ago.
I am considered Type 2 Bipolar with severe depression as the predominant factor and mania as the less dominant; borderline personality disorder ( which I did not know) resultant from all the abuse over the years; clinical and severe depression;some manifestestion of ADHD ( which I had guessed at but did not know); post traumatic stress disorder; panic attacks; fibromyalgia, severe arthritis in my spine and degenerative disc disease.

I was so anxious and at times overcome with panic during the hearing yet held up well considering.

It was hard to sit there and listen to yourself be described so clinical; almost as if you weren't in the room. the SS doc was an older gentleman and very kind and compassionate. I would have liked him as my primary physician.
The vocational guy was not Mr. Personality and was barely consulted after the doc gave his summation.

Then I was asked to give testimony. It was difficult to recall the awful things in your life and then to describe specifically how now, today, you are a failure in the work force because you cannot produce as you once did.
You kind of realize in that moment you are two people. The one you used to be and the one you are today.
I used to be the ultimate volunteer; the worker who put in 70-80 hrs a week. Now, I was hard pressed to put in 8.
The SSD doc explained in brief to the judge how any chronic pain condition wears someone down. And how not sleeping wears someone out.
And the toll abuse takes on someone's life.
And that he saw no recovery for me.

Hearing that just broke me down.
Somehow hearing the words said just affected my soul.
I don't want to be sick; I want to be normal.
I want to be able to go to work and complain about my job and bitch about taxes and how the health care coverage stinks.
I want to have those friendships that develop with coworkers; share lunch hours, deadlines, responsibilities.

Hearing formally that part of my life is over was like hearing your best friend just died.
I realize I had been fighting for my disability for 3 years yet when it was spoken out as a reality it hit like a ton of bricks.

Speaking of the 3 years I still don't know if they are going all the way back to when I first filed. that is still under dispute and will be reviewed.
What is under consideration is that I tried to work during that time. Isn't that a laugh?
I had no way to support myself yet because I tried to I may be penalized. Isn't this country great?
My total earnings for last year were less than $2000 and I may be penalized for it.
My total earnings since I first filed over 3 years ago were less than $10000 and I may be penalized.
Yet, they consider how much you are able to earn to base how much you will realize in your monthly check. So if I had been able to earn a lot of money my checks would be higher but because I even attempted to work at all I may be penalized.

Because I have been so victimized in my past the reccomendation is that I may not have control over my own funds.
I guess i would be like a ward of the courts and my funds would be dispursed to me through a third party. Thats a bite because it feels like I'm being victimized again; I see their rationale but I think I should have some say in it also.

Anyway, the worst of it is over. I will now wait to see if I am under review.
The judge did say he would expedite as much as possible so I could then start the process of receiving much needed medical treatment as I've had none since I've been in CA.

So, thank you, Jesus and to all my friends and few family members who stood by me throughout this process. I couldn't have done so well without the support and encouragement I had from all of you.

War is ugly

I added that article to my posts because i think we need to be reminded war is very ugly.
That soldier was killed with my friends brother-in-law.
All the soldiers from all sides in every war believe in " their' cause.
In recent days we have learned from news articles we lied to yet again by this administation.
I want to say didn't anyone think about the very real consequences of war but I think I know the answer.
Its a business.
Casualties are faceless and nameless.
They are grouped together into a statistic so it becomes palatable for us to swallow.
In years to come when this is over we will read the death count and it will be a number. Only the family members will remember there was a human life attached to that number and what the world lost because that person is no longer here.
I won't change anything because I put this out there but I will know they won't be forgotten.
I just want each of us to pause for even a moment and comprehend the true cost of war.
Its not just the billions spent on warfare that could have been spent in other ways; what if this money had been spent on Veterans affairs because of the true toll from previous wars instead of creating more havoc in individual lives.
But the government will have you believe there is no funds available for correcting the wrongs that war created; Veterans take their oath and are promised we, the American people will take care of them and honor their service.
Every program that involves veterans has been drastically cut over recent years.
I, myself have had occasion to visit VA hospitals and its discouraging and embarrasing as a citizen of this country who enjoys the freedoms their service stood for, to see how they are treated.
Its a complex issue but if we funneled all the money that has been spent on this war alone a huge difference could have been made into these programs.
And all the other worthy programs; health care, homelessness issues, the elder issues, parenting issues; housing issues. i could go on.
But we are told there is no money. Yet, there is always money to go slaughter and be slaughtered.
I think what makes this country great in part is because we are so profoundly affected by our freedoms yet when basic needs are not being met by the masses the possibility is there to fall apart from the inside out.
Its not only terrosits we need to fear but as the saying goes " I have met the enemy and it is us".

The spoils of war

Soldier's children get Father's Day card back after man dies in Iraq

Associated Press
MOSS POINT, Miss. - Spc. Terrance Lee's young sons got a solemn reminder that Father's Day will never again be the same.

A Father's Day card that Terrance Jr., 5, and Ramone, 3, mailed to Mississippi Army National Guard soldier before his death was returned from Iraq on Friday.

"His card came back just yesterday that the kids sent," the children's grandmother, Dinah Lee, said Saturday afternoon.

Ramone initially was excited, thinking his dad had sent him a birthday card, she said.

When his grandmother explained that it was the Father's Day card they sent their dad, Ramone clutched the envelop close to his heart.

Then T.J. wanted the card, she said.

The compromise: they each took turns holding the card.

"That went on until they went to bed," Dinah Lee said.

Terrance Lee was killed by a bomb outside of Amiriyah, some 25 miles west of Baghdad, while on patrol the morning of June 11.

He was a member of the 155th Brigade Combat Team, which is made up of about 3,500 Mississippians and other National Guard soldiers from several states.
At least a dozen 155th soldiers have lost their lives in Iraq since the unit deployed in January.

Also killed in the same attack as Lee, was Sgt. Larry R. Arnold Sr., 46, of Carrier.
Both soldiers were part of Company B 150th Combat Engineer Battalion of Lucedale.
Lee was a 1999 graduate of Moss Point High School and joined the Guard in 2002.
Lee's wife, Stephanie, is expecting their first daughter in September.
The couple met at Northrop Grumman Ship Systems, where they both worked. Terrance Lee was a first class welder and she is a pipefitter.
"He loved to talk. He loved to laugh. He didn't meet any strangers," Stephanie Lee has said. "He lived to the fullest. He didn't let anything bother him."
Information from: The Mississippi Press, http://www.gulflive.com

Happy Father's Day and Happy Anniversary

Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there and to the Mom's who also are Dad's raising children alone without the benefit of the other parent.
I want to comment on my own son, Dan, as a father.
It is such a joy to know him as a Dad with Keisha.
They are the perfect father/daughter team.
What makes it cute sometimes is as his mother I see him in her!
Not just in certain looks( she actually looks more like Jennie) but in mannerisms but especially temperment.
I won't ever forget living with them and when she realized my power as her Dad's mother the light bulb went off in her head.
Even today she will sometimes say, " Nana, YOUR son did this or that".
One of the things Dan does is to take special time with Keisha that is just for them.
He started date night with her when she was small.
He recently told me he is taking her in the mornings to a dance camp before he goes to work and has shared some of the things they talk about.
Neither of them realize the full impact that time together will have on her future.
I only remember a few times I had occasion to spend alone time with my Dad but they are seared in my memory.
He and I were the only ones in our large family that enjoyed black licorice.
Probably no more than 5 times in my growing up did he and I go to a candy store in downtown Cincinnati and he ordered a 1/4 of a pound of " licorice boats".
I don't remember why we would have been downtown together with no one else because my Dad hated to shop. It would have had to be for a different reason but that memory is gone.
The one that stays is the smell of the candy store and the taste and texture of those licorice boats.
And, my Dad was the one who would read or make up stories. another memory of " alone' time with him is funny.
I was given the job of scratching my Dad's scalp with a massager gizzmo he had that had a blue plastic brush attachment. he had a burr haircut back then and he had dandruff. i really got into this task!
I also wqas the one who was given the job of peeling his skin from sunburn.
That was pretty neat too; my goal was to see how big of pieces I could get without tearing it!
The other kids would sometimes do these jobs too but they were primarily my job.

Friday, the 17th was Dan and Jennie's 10th anniversary! What an accomplishment in today's times.
They are an inspiration to me. they have weathered many a storm and still landed on their feet.
I think the most special wedding I ever attended was theirs followed closely behind by sister's Mary's wedding.
ironically, those 2 marriages have lasted. I've attended glitzier weddings and more pomp but those 2 stand out in my memory.
I will always have in my memory the look on my son's face as he he saw his bride enter the church and walk towards him. No one else existed but those two at that moment.
I knew that they had something special that would see through the test of time.
I was proud that starting at that moment I was no longer the most important female in his life. It was as it should be; Jennie was #1. Now, I am # 3 as Keisha is #2 and I couldn't be happier.
I have the best daughter-in-law anyone could have. I think of her as a daughter.
She is as much my family as if I had given birth to her.
She is an exceptional woman.
They are one of the best families I know.

soldier killed in Iraq

I belong to a chat room through my cell phone and have met some really interesting people.
In fact, thats how I met Bob.
Several ladies and I have chatted on the phone many times and have become part of each other's faimily.
I am sad to report that one of the ladies lost her brother-in-law this past Saturday.
He had just been home in May for a 2 week R&R and if there is any consolation I guess thats it.
He leaves behind a wife of 25 years and 3 sons, one of which was serving in his unit with him.
The son had just come home Friday afternoon for his 2 week R&R and his Dad was killed on Saturday.
A suicide bomber went off near the truck and blew up.
Another young man was also killed from a nearby town serving in the same unit.
The son is feeling the loss of his Dad as well as his leader; he is also feeling tremendous guilt over not being with his Dad at the time of the explosion. He is 21 years old; so much he's had to deal with at such a young age.
This is a Christian family so they will have their faith to sustain them but being human its not going to be easy.
When will this war end and when will the killing of our precious citizens end.
Any death is hard to grasp but the spoils of war are sickening to me.
My own son serves in the Navy and although I am so proud he serves his country I would be hard pressed to be consoled if he to lose his life for this cause.
I deeply feel for each family everytime I hear another life has been lost.
And I also feel for the ones who don't come back whole.
Everyone has their opinion and I have mine.
I know good things are being done over there to rebuild schools and infrastucture.
There is much still needing to be done.
Most people don't realize that the mail system is about non-existant over there so everyday people don't even have the mail to communicate.
I guess thank God for the internet for those that have access.
I know there is a bigger picture and I don't get to see it all and can only hope that some good comes out of this.
I remember Vietnam and I'm still trying to find the good that came of it.

fun time in the City

OK- I'm back! we had a great time but I'm sure paying for it.
We got lost on the way to start with. He had forgotten exactly where the Best Western was they stay at it. He knew he had to go through Alameda and then back into Oakland.
Well, because we got lost I got to see the closed down Alameda Navy base that was his home port when he was in the Navy.
My sister had stayed there too in base housing when her husband was in the Navy on the same ship, the Enterprise.
It was neat to see the area my sister haunted when she lived here. I wish she was speaking to me so I could tell her about it. ( that's a different story)
We stayed in Jack London square by the Bay and took the ferry over to SBC park to the game.
That was a nice experience. It was still daylight soIi got some pictures. Yes, I was the geeky tourist!
We arrived at the park to rain.
It has rained exactly 5 times on that date in June in San Fransisco in 155 years and lucky me I got to be in part of the history.
It normally doesn't rain here after May throughout the summer.
Let me tell you - it rained.
We of course didn't have an umbrella with us. The temp had dropped down to about 55 degrees and the wind was about 30 miles an hour.
It was cold.
Our seats were right over an overhang so it was out of the question to sit there. We stood until the top of the 4th inning under a little alcove and decided to take our chances and go to the top of the bleachers on the opposite side of the park.
When we got over there an usher told us to go ahead and pick out what seats we wanted. We laughed about the " upgrade".
The Giants lost but we still had fun all in all.
On the ferry ride back we got hot chocolate and were dreaming about the heater in the room!

The next morning we had breakfast and headed into the City. We parked about a good 15 minute walk from the park.The closer lots are for people who hold season tickets.
It was a nice sunny day but still windy.
Its a nice walk along the Embarcadero. The water is right there and the boulevards are very nicely landscaped.
We arrived at the park and had another 15 minute brisk walk up to the top again.
Our seats were in the sun so I got sunburned.
My back is killing me from all the walking and standing but it was still a great time. The Giants won that game by the way!
After each game they play Tony Bennet singing " I left my heart in San Fransisco".
It was great to get away for a couple of days and do something different.
At the day game there was a section of young boys maybe 8-10 years old that were a hoot.
Probably a little league team. They did the chants you hear at the little league games.
They would yell at the umpire.
One time when I expected them to yell it was silent. I looked over and they were all eating hot dogs!

The Golden Gate bridge was a magnificent sight. As we were on the Bay bridge you could look over and see the famous orange structure jutting out of the hills and over the water.

Bob and I both message into a phone chat group and everyone was messaging us the first night for updates and for me to report the scenery. They call me " GiantsQueen"! That isn't my handle but maybe I should change it.
Now, they want us all to get together next summer here for a reunion.
Here I am new to this area and they want me to play tour guide!

So here I am with my aching back and sunburned face and scalp yet I would do it all over again.

to the City!

Bob was scheduled to attend the Giants game tonight and tomorrow with his buddy.This is something they do annually and have for years.
They go to what he calls a back to back.
They attend the night game take the ferry across the Bay from the stadium and stay in a nice hotel and take the ferry back in the morning.
He just found out the buddy has come down sick and i've been asked to go in his place!
Poor me. I need to pack unexpectedly and have time in San Fransisco!
Poor Bob. I think he was looking forward to the time away from me!LOL.
I get an unexpected vacation.
I will update on the experienmce when I return.

unrelated events

Today this will be about some unrelated events but to me worth noting:

Plenty of Questions

I was reading an online version yesterday of my old newspaper, The Woodlands Villager and found some shocking, devastating news for me.

There it was in big headlines the name of a man I dated a few times after my divorce. He had been arrested for violating parole as a sex offender, a child predator to be exact. The incident he was originally arrested for happened in 2003 while I was in Ohio.

I am shocked, devastated and even ashamed. How could I have not seen this in him? Me, with my background. Me, the staunch advocate of getting sex offenders off the street.

I have thought back to that time and seriously can go back to nothing that would have given me a clue. Maybe, possibly that he had never been married.

He took care of his elderly sick mother and I thought that was so noble. He was educated, had the same job for over 30 years, had been in the military. He was active in his church ( the Catholic Church), which proved to be our undoing because he was so staunch that I should return to my mother church. He was in Knights of Columbus, was active in the community. He had more friends than you could count.

He was recovering from a rare form of cancer and friends chipped in to help him when his insurance was exhausted to help with medical bills. He was fun. He was thoughtful. He didn't hang around children. He played with adults.

The lesson to be learned in this is we always hear you never know who the preadator is. He could be anyone. If I didn't know; if I couldn't figure it out how in the hell would a child be protected from him or others like him? I began dating him on the recommendation of a close friend who had known him for years. I'm sure she didn't know.

I don't know what all the answers are but there are sure plenty of questions.

Prayers Requested

Continue to keep in your prayers the local man from here who is a hostage in Iraq. His family is to be commended for keeping the lowest profile possible in order to insure a potential release. I just don't want him forgotten.

Profound Memorial Day Experience

I received an e-mail from my Navy son after the Memorial Day holiday. He had the most profound experience in NYC. He and some buddies were paying respect to the 9/11 victims and were spotted by a port authority officer. They were asked to participate in a ceremony for a soldier who had been killed in Iraq 10 days earlier. They were honored to do so.

He said it will be the experience that he takes with him from all the experiences in his service to this country. Regardless of one's political beliefs, he says not to forget those who pay the ultimate sacrifice.

Fibroflareup

I have been in a spell of a fibroflareup for a couple of weeks. I hadn't had one this bad this bad for awhile. Bob and I are going through a rough spot and I'm sure that is contibuting.

One Mystery Solved, One to Go

I heard yesterday that since we now know who Deep Throat is ( the Watergate scandal) the only other mystery left from the 70's is who it was that was so vain to Carly Simon! Hope that mystery is solved soon.

Some Final Thoughts

I read Elton John has set the wedding date. I won't be able to attend as I have plans to be Christmas shopping at that time. However, next time I am in Target I will check the Club Wed computer and see what I can send.

domestic violence

I Got Flowers Today

We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.

But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......

I was sent this e-mail recently and its very powerful.

Its a reminder there are many living in this situation everyday. It can stop. If you are one of them as I was please call a shelter or some other trusted professional such as a clergy member or your physician.

If you find the courage to take that step help IS available.
Do not depend on family or friends; you have to do this for yourself.

To those living in this circumstance or if you know someone who is remeber the most
dangerous time is when you decide to leave. However, don't let the fear stop you from making tht decision. This can be the day your life turns around.

I know. I've lived it.

flylady

I came across this site this weekend and its really great. For those of us that may just not know how to get organized or those like me that need a kick in the bahonkus this is the greatest site. She is compassionate and funny and helpful.
I copied a letter written by a guy as to why they accumulate " junk" as we women call it and don't want to part with it.
Dear Friends,At the FLY Fest, Robert was a big hit with our members. He gave them alittle insight into our guys' clutter. You have asked him to write anessay about it and he has. The only part you will miss is the airguitar dance he did on stage that day. I still laugh at the thought ofthis. FlyLadyMen's StuffAt the May FlyFest in Charlotte, someone asked a question about theirhusband's clutter, and how she should deal with it. I don't rememberwhether Marla or Kelly tried to answer the question, but I didn'tthink the answer quite hit the mark, so at the end of the program theylet me on stage to give my take on the subject. I was not speakingfrom notes, and while I remember generally what I talked about, thisis by no means a transcript of what I said. But the core message isthe same. Anyway, here's what I think.When you're about to take a trip, you make preparations. You gas upthe car, you pack your bag, maybe you check the map. Anyway, you doall this before you leave the driveway. Guys' possible future livesare like that; we acquire things that are either currently useful, orthings that will surely be useful later, when we fulfill one oranother of those life missions our parents unknowingly gave us. Up tonow, the analogy to getting ready for a trip works fairly well, butright here it breaks down. If the trip gets cancelled, you don't leavethe bag packed. When the kid (who, let's say, played football in highschool) finds himself a finish carpenter, or pediatrician, orwhatever, he will probably not throw away that high school letterjacket. He's not going to wear it, but he is going to keep it, atleast for a while. And while he keeps it, to you it looks like clutter.To him, it isn't clutter. It is the smudgy ink stamp on the wrist thatsays he can get back into the nightclub of youth. To understand this,you need to understand the difference between how you stay young, andhow he does. Men, for the most part, don't use makeup. We may use hairdye, but we don't use it well. We may work out in the gym, but wedon't use body shapers or girdles. In other words, our attempts ateternal youth are less successful than yours are. And yet, our culturesets a considerable premium on youth, or at least the illusion ofyouth. Let's just say it: you fool yourselves your way, we foolourselves our way, and our way involves psychological props. As longas we don't discard that old camping equipment, we are still campers,still Boy Scouts, sort of. If we keep the letter jacket, we preservethe moment of triumph as if it were only yesterday. If we don't havethat old GTO hauled off, we tell ourselves that we might still,someday, rebuild the motor and have a muscle car again. As long as wekeep the stuff, we can still cling to the illusions.I am a mediocre bridge player but a decent chess player. I can regapthe tappets on an MG, but there are third graders who can draw betterthan I can. When people talk about me, they sometimes say that I'm ajudge and that's fine, that's how the language works, but it isn'treally true. I make my living as a judge, but that's just what I do,it isn't what I am. I don't know what I am; I like to think I'm a workin progress. But whatever it is that I presently am, I don't think itcan be summed up in one word. I don't think your guy can be, either.I'm not a judge, she's not a blond, he isn't an activist, and you'renot a ditz. But having said that, I think it is possible to say whatsomeone is not. Your guy's life still has many roads it can take, butsome of the original possibilities are now firmly in the past. Hecould still write a play, or learn Spanish, but at some point, it hasbecome a fact that he isn't going to be a professional athlete, or arock star. And yet he may still have musty old letter jacket, or adust-covered set of drums, or a box of obsolete radio parts, or awooden tennis racket. They have in fact become clutter, from themoment that he came to a fork in the road and took the path that ledsome other way. You see it. He doesn't, at least not yet. Men do noteasily come to terms with what they are not, because the illusion thatall of the possibilities are still intact is a comforting one. As longas all things are possible, we are still twenty. To look at our lifeand say that this or that thing is simply not going to happen, is toacknowledge that we aren't twenty any more.I don't know that there is anything you can do about any of this;maybe just knowing is enough. But remember, you hooked up with yourguy, and women aren't attracted by stupidity. He isn't a dimwit, buthe is willing to fool himself if you let him. The wrong way to not-lethim is to say, "Why are you keeping that old stuff? You're never goingto do anything with that!" That is wrong, not because it is incorrect,but because it won't work. Just a thought: if you get rid of the promdress, the letter jacket will probably disappear. Your home may nothave either of those things, but you know what I mean.Robert

Thank You

Today is memorial Day. It's the day we Americans set aside to honor our military and family members who are no longer with us.
I am reminded as a child the holidays my Dad did not have to work ( he was a city firefighter and rotated 24 on -48 off) we would spend Memorial day visiting our dead.
The most poignant time for me was visiting the cemetary thay my maternal grandparent were buried.
The site was up a hill about half way up and you had to walk many lots over to the middle to find theirs.
Once in the right area theirs was easy to find; the only pink stones.
I never knew my grandfather, either of them for that matter.
My Mom's Dad died when he was just 44 years old 5 days after my oldest sister was born. My mother was still in the hospital as back then you stayed 10 days postpartum. She was oan only child and although she never said much I know she had a huge regret she wasn't there to bury her father.
My grandmother died when I was in kindergarten so I have limited memories of her.
We would kneel and say our prayers and give my mother the time she needed and usually place some roses from my mothers bush on the graves.
The next task was to return to the base of the hill and visit my " little, big brother, Charlie".
I called him that because he was little in his grave but would have been my oldest brother, my mothers firstborn. He was stillborn and again she didn't get to say good-bye or be there for his burial.
That event altered the family dynamics forever.
I can't imagine the thoughts my parents had during those visits.
Today, if you stand at his grave you look down the hill and at the road is my parents graves.
It all came full circle.
Today i remember each in my head and heart and can say they are never forgotten.

Today is the day we honor our military that are no longer with us.
I also am reminded of those lost in the conflict that happened in my youth; the Vietnam War.
There are still missing POW-MIA's out there somewhere and I never want them forgotten.


Bob purchased a framed picture through the Post Office and presented it to me today.
It is of a man touching "The Wall ".At the bottom it displays the stamps the Postal service has issued honoring Vietnam Veterans. To the side is a poem and I will add it here.


The Wall



the night was cold,I was ten years oldwhen the chaplain made his call.The news was bad, my mother was sad when she heard of my father's fall.

An ambush he said, they all were dead the words were shocking and cold. eight other men died, eight other wives cried for young men who would never grow old.

The years quickly passed, they seemed so fast with no father to show me the way.
Yet I knew from the start, deep down in my heart we'd be together, forever, one day.

Through the laughter and tears, the months and the years I kept hearing " its " far away call.
the day was cold I was thirty years old when my eyes first set sight on the WALL.

It seemed ancient yet now, as if somehow on cue when I saw it the Earth became still.
And in my memory once gray, became focused that day on a man who now suddenly became real.

No more tears filled my eyes, no more lifetime of "why's" All the answers I'd found in this place.
With the touch of his name, gone was the sorrow andpain and bad memories were quickly erased.

As I stared into the black, my father stared back and he smiled and my heart filled with joy
I said, " Welcome home Dad, what a journey you've had"
He said, " Its sure great to be home, my boy."
1998 Kelly Strong

To all veterans past and present my undying gratitude.
To my son, Paul Frank Welker, Jr serving presently on the USS John F. Kennedy I am so proud of you son and thank you.

Letters to Iraq

I was looking through some blogger stuff and found this blog. Its from a woman whose husband is in Iraq.
Quite an interesting blog.
Linked to hers is his.
The Memorial Day holiday is upon us and I hope we all take at least a moment to remember the veterans and other military serving right now and those in the past.
If you know a military family it would be nice to perform a random act of kindness.
Like this woman many Moms and dads are out there holding the fort down in the everyday mundane things of running a household and raising a family.


Unrelated but I have been fighting a bug off and on for a couple of weeks. It could be another fibroflareup. I'm really not sure.
I am begining to hurt differently than I ever have. Its more intense now. Bless Bob's heart he does all he can to make life easy for me. I am so blessed he is in my life now.


A lot of you will be out and about this weekend. I just want to encourage everyone to act responsibly. Even if you don't drink and drive remember there are others that will.
many areas have had an unusual amount of rainfall this year and lakes and streams will be running. Please use lifejackets when in and near water.
Practice fire safety while camping and using the grill.
Keep an eye on your children.
hope to see everyone back next week.

www.anysoldier.com

yesterday I meant to post the address on the subject of the soldiers and other military.
I wanted to comment also the only service not represented is the U.S. Coast Guard for obvious reasons.
If you do got to this site at the end of the list are names that when called up say this person has not been heard from in more than 50 days. That is somewhat disturbing isn't it?
Why haven't they been heard from? Is it that no one responded to their request and they gave up or that they are engaged in battle that is so remote they can't get mail or is it that they are no longer with us.
Seeing that made this all the more real to me.
With each name you will find a short comment left about who the person is and if possible to tell you somewhat where they are. They will describe their living conditions ( some are reasonably pleasant- some are not).
Each of these people is a contact person for a group of others. I read one posting that the guy was begging for letters as some have no mail coming from home.
Some leave a fairly wordy post some don't.
I read one post that a group received fake dog tags that said " my parent is serving in Iraq'. He said it was a big hit with the Mom's especially to send back to their children.
One posting had a comment life by the service person's wife thanking America for their support and what it meant to them as families.
I encourage you to check out the site.

Here is a something I read today- if you can't say something nice at least be kind.

any soldier

I had heard of this site but only recently visited. It is a great site for anyone who has said" I'd like to do something but don't know what to do".
is about sending all kinds of things to the military in Iraq and Afganistan.
I happened upon it through a gardening site. Someone was getting together seeds and such to send them to help boost morale for the soldiers and the citizens of Iraq.
In there you find what they need and want and you can find someone to communicate with if you don't know someone personally.
As a Mom who has a son in the Navy and was deployed last year I can tell you that the morale can get very low.
Imagine yourself in their shoes and you will realize what a boost a letter from home or a package containing essential items they cannot easily get ahold of would be.
I know the hoopla has died down and we are in for the long haul. Let's just not forget those that are sacrificing so much.
If you belong to an organization maybe you could incorporate this into a fundraising project.
Just thought I'd pass it along.

SSD news

received a letter yesterday from the attorney's office handling my case. It seems now they don't think I have a strong enough case with the medical files I presently have.
Since I had to rely on government issued medical care instead of through a private network as I had when I was able to work the care has been could we say a little substandard.
The last place in Texas even limited you to only 3 prescriptions a calendar month which you paid $7.50 each.
So each month I would have to choose between treating the depression and bipolar or the fibromyalgia.
The attorney has set it up with a doctor out here for me to see who will give me a complete workup and detailed report to be submitted to Social Security.
The problem is he is over 2 1/2 hrs away and it will cost me $600.00 out of pocket.
I felt so defeated.
Bob said not to worry he would gladly pay for it but it isn't the point.
When someone has waited as long as I have and fought for everything it just one more hurdle.
My hearing is June 30th in Oakland so this has to be done soon.
That means I have to hope I can get an appointment on one of Bob's off days or he has to juggle getting off as he has already had to do to be off for the hearing.
I have to get a money order ( no checks) and send to the attorney before the appointment can be made.
That means we have to wait until next week on Bob's off day to go to the bank and transfer the funds. He doesn't just happen to have $600.00 laying around here.
I know this is minor to what some go through but it is so irritating.
And still no guarantee the judge will grant me the SSD.
You would think I am asking for an exorbitant amount of money.
This whole experience has been an eye opener as to how the system works.
It is a shame that people who are already in an unfair position have to be put through this kind of ordeal. In my case it has been over 3 yrs now.
I've met people who have lost their homes as well as all of us who have had our dignity compromised by the system.
The majority of us would give about anything to be able to work and be productive members of society again.
Believe me, if I am given the chance to voice an opinion at that hearing I will have an earful for whomever may listen.

update

Bob carpooled yesterday so I used the truck to venture out to my local Safeway.
I had this creepy feeling the old neighbor was in the next aisle watching me. She only moved about 5 minutes away.
If any of you have followed me from the begining with this blog you will remember my adventures from the days of going to the mental health clinic in Dayton.
She would give some of those people the creeps.
She is about 4ft 10in and has no teeth.
She wants to be called Dusty but I call her Dot as her name is Dorothy.
She doesn't know that I call her that; its a joke between me and Bob from the Tx days. She would come over and annoy him before I got here.
I said she had the hots for him and started calling her " Dot". It stuck and a couple of times he accidentally has called her that to her face. Kind of funny.
She wanted us to help her move but gosh wewere always busy.
She dresses interstingly and I have found clothes in the garage she had put there for me. She wanted to share. As nice as that is our styles are not the same.
She lives in a house that I guess is like a halfway place for drug offenders.
It is supposed to be drug free.
She disclosed to me that Margaret, her house mother,( not me) didn't know she had a stash of hash.
She is also wanted in another county for embezellment. So you can get the picture that I really wanted to keep my distance.
She asked me one day if I would like an item for the kitchen that she was going to be getting rid of. I told her I probably didn't need it. She said she would get it shortly. I later discovered she was absconding it from a pile of trash a neighbor around the corner had thrown out!
Please God, can't I have just one normal friend?
I promise; I will be a good steward of the friendship.
Under unrelated news- read an article online this morning that a study was done on 36 people to test the way we react to smell. 3 groups divided into 12 people. One group was homeosexual; one heterosexual female and one heterosexual male.
It appears we women are not turned on by the smell of other females if we are straight; males are not turned on by other males if they are straight; males were turned on by the smell of other males if they were gay but not turned on by female smells; lesbians were not turned on by gay men.
So I don't know what the point of this study was but I wish I could have been a part of this.
I would have loved to say " this stinksand gotten away with it.
I guess maybe there will be a new line of designer frangrances out by the holiday season. Instead of having to know which ear to put your earing in you can identify yourself by your odor!
And, the catchy thing about that is you won't be hit upon by anyone who isn't of your persuasion.
I'm excited about this new development.
But what do you do if someone winks and its obvious they aren't who you would be looking for?
I guess I could just explain I'm a Virgo and that should take care of it!
Any Scorpios could have a problem because we know what they say about Scorpios!
And to all who know how computer savvy I'm not it only took me 71/2 hours yesterday to determine that microsoft did not recognize my modem.
I thought whats up with this? Its the same one I had from the begining. It didn't get a new hairstyle or color or change makeup for the spring. Whats up with that?
Someday, by the time my granddaughters grow up I may have mastered this thing.

a little of this and that

In the chat groups I belong to we have had high drama this past week.
You know for us bored housewives this is big stuff!
There is a woman who at the lest is unbalanced and at best is sinister and has created all kinds of drama.
She will not leave me and a few others alone. I have had to report her to the people that have the site. They are investigating her. Yesterday, a favorite group disbanded because it all got out of hand.
This woman has come into the groups under 7 different handles in the past month.
Why do these kind of people flock to me?
The only " friend" I've made here in California so far was a woman who just moved this past weekend ( ! ).
She also has issues. She came up to me recently as I was working in the yard and had a kleenes with something in it wanting me to examine it. I told her I'd really much rather not. She insisted and I knew she wouldn't go away if I didn't comply.
Well. what I saw looked like a tiny scab with a few hair foolicles in it. No, no, no. It was an organism that had infected her and she could feel it moving around in her head.
I then was shown her scalp where said creature was trying to hide.
All I could see was a hole in her scalp where she had been digging and told her so.
Stupid, stupid me. I don't know anything.
Then she left or so I thought.
She returned after a minute with a magnifying glass and said microscopic invader so I could get a closeup view. Now it really looked like a scab with hair hanging out of it. I suggested if she was that concerned she maybe should get an appointment with the doc quickly ( as in now) to have him/her investigate this.
She informed she had been to the doc and to the ER on this very matter and they told her she was basically nuts. How dare they?
I then struggled for the next 30 minutes to find a way to escape her.
At one point I told her I thought I heard the phone ringing. She followed me into the garage and I had to stop her at the door to the inside.
I got my cell phone and quickly sent a text message to Bob- help me. She's here.
Stelwah!!!
I have to explain that is a code word Bob and I use to let each other know if something is wrong or we don't feel well. I will explain the origin in a minute.
Bless his heart, he did fire off a response back that helped me escape.
It got to the point I was afraid to go outside. She would sit in her doorway waiting to see the garage door open. If it was opened and you didn't go out right away you would find her waiting in the garage.
Her claim to fame according to her is she is an ex-roadie of the Eagles and she wrote songs for them but was never paid.
I also found out a recent mission of mercy to take her to the store to pick up a prescription she is also quite fond of Suda-fed. Not the generic but the name brand. She bought every box they had. She also wanted a 2 liter of Coke but settled for a 5 gal container, 2 half gallons and a box of ice cream instead.
Hopefully. I've seen the last of her but why do I still have this fear when I open the garage door she is going to be right there?
She left us a parting gift. I found some tacky artificial greenery in my beds yesterday.
Now for stelwah.
One day Bob and I were watching an interview with Robin Williams; Inside the Actors Studio on Bravo channel.
A comment he made was that he felt anyone with the right lines could deliver. he stated that even Elmer Fudd could have delivered the famous line from Streetcar named Desire-" Stellwah"!( in that voice).
It was hysterically funny.
Since then we have used it to say we are having trouble or not well.
Changing subjects- saw in my local paper yesterday that the ONION is going to get a San Fransisco- Bay area edition.
They are the group that puts out the satirical headlines that some people don't have the sense to know is a spoof.
One headline recently was Vatican is more opulent than Heaven reports dissapointed Pope. They have an online version I need to add to my favorites list.
Repoted in my online version of the Houston Chronicle yesterday was the return of the .
For those that don't know they are little gnat like creatures that come from somewhere myseriously every spring and fall to that region in the south. They live about 56 hrs. Teir entire existence is to copulate in mid-air and drink nectar and die.And you thought you had it rough!
They swarm by the hundreds if not thousands and are everywhere. They get all over your windshield or in the grille of your car and are really a nuisance.
So some of them don't even get to live the full 56 hrs.
I don't miss that part of living in TX.
spring has arrived here in Northern california. Everything is blooming and of course we are sneezing.
Its beautiful and I am learning about flowers I've never seen as well as enjoying the old favorites I recognize.
Bob went fidshing last week and caught a couple rainbow trout and I cooked them that night and used lemons from our own tree.
That was kinda neat for me. He said in 20 years of being here he had never picked lemons from the tree. He thinks I am so creative! ( sshhhh)
We continue to enjoy each other immensely and everyday we find something hysterically funny to us. And isn't that what its all about? it doesn't matter if anyone else finds it funny as long as we do.
He really is a special guy.
And guess what he has even been throwing away things here in the past couple of weeks. He bribes the trashman every week with a little cash to take it away!
Yep the mailman and the trashman have a silent pact! Whatever it takes. At this rate this time next year this place may be dejunked!
We haven't made it to the 8track player yet but we are getting there.
So there is the update on me the last few days.
for those

what a crying shame

I just read a story online about a junior in high school suspended for talking to his Mom, a sodier in Iraq.
Apparently, she called him on his cell phone while he was in the cafeteria at lunch. The article stated that althought the students are permitted to have cell phones at shool they are not permitted to use them. Huh?
I realize this was an infraction of policy but after all it was HIS mother and she was serving in Iraq.
Hello school system. Earth to the administrators.
Has someone not told them that Iraq is many hours ahead of us? Has someone not had an in service to instruct our school employees the effect it has on a child when their parent is overseas much less serving in a volatile battleground?
And if that someone is your mother, the one who brought you into this world it probably means you are attached to her even if you cant be with her.
Has there not been instruction through counselors and other mental health personnel to assist these children through this traumatic time in their life?
Maybe this was the only time in days or weeks this mother had to contact her son. Maybe it could be she was going into a fight and was afraid she wouldn't make it.
Maybe it could have been her last call to anyone.
I think an exception should have made in this case or any case like it.
Isn't high school supposed to teach you to be part of the bigger world after you graduate? And that although there has to be rules we all have to follow there isn't always balck and white.
They said in the article that he became belligerent and cursed when taken to the office. Duh?
I'm surprised thats all he did.
I say kudos for him to take that call. His Mom will hopefully be around long after he is out of school and the lesson that the people in your life are more important than the words in a book is invaluable.
I think the administrators should be suspended and forced to take sensitivity lessons. Anyone want to bet thats gonna happen?

the bug

havent been on in a couple days. I have a bug I can"t seem to shake easily.
The chat group I'm in has alot going around in it too. Now I know we didn't catch it from each other so how did I get it?
some local news y'all have probably heard- Barry Bonds will be out for longer than expected.Word is he had an infection in his knee but the newscaster said on his website he has no infection. So who ya gonna believe?
A local man from Alamo here in the Bay area was abducted and is being held hostage in Iraq.He ias an Austalian citizen but has lived here for many years. Our prayers are with the family and negotiaters.
Ana Ayala was arrested for the finger incident and is in jail in San Jose.
Y'all can start eating the chili again; she's off the streets!
She is a work of art let me tell you.Is somebody missing an ace from their deck?
How did she think she was gonna pull that off?
There is a trial going on in Danville. A nanny " allegedly" hit and killed 2 kids last fall while " allegedly" driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I have to say allegedly because she fled the scene and by the time they found her 2 days later she had no drugs or alcohol in her system
She has prior history of going to work and being fired for being drunk and stealing pain meds from the parents of former charges in her care.
I know we all are due a fair trial but come on.
These kids were walking and bicycyling with their mother and a couple family friends to go get an ice cream cone on a Sunday afternoon.
She ( the alleged perpetrator) was seen driving erratic right before the crash and speeding. You draw your own conclusion.
And last but not least, never least we now have the defense part of the Michael Jackson trial to look forward too.
Isn't that special?

My memories of the fall of Saigon

Today is the 30th anniversary of the fall of Saigon. Many reading this may not remember that day but it is etched in my memory as are the first time Neil Amstrong walked on the moon or the day the President was assasinated.
I recall seeing the news footage that captured the panic and pandemonium surrounding the fall of the city and recognizing what it meant for those who weren't going to be able to escape.
I later became good friends with a soldier from South Vietnam and was enraptured by his recollection of that day.
The panic we all witnessed recently with the havoc in southeast Asia took me back to that time.
Families were being displaced. Family members didn't know where each other where. Some mothers and fathers were having to make unthinkable choices.
My heart especially goes out to the military that day. They knew the urgency with every helicopter load they took it could be the last and the hundreds if not thousands that were begging to be put on the next load had to be horrendous.
My opinion of the war was even more entrenched that day.
I had friends who were never coming home. There were so many who came home to be literally spit on and ridiculed by their nation for the simple act of being the number in the draft pick.
If you didn't live through it you can't know what it was like in our country at that time.
Most military I knew discarded their uniforms before they hit the States just to assimilate back into society.
There was no pride in serving your country as we know it today.
It altered our attitude about us as a society for years to come.
So here were the military evacuating people who desperately neede our help to stay alive and yet they were going to be booed and spit on because they were there.
I can still recall some of the faces I saw on the news footage.
Can you imagine defending your country and its going down and you have to leave forever to a new place, culture, traditions,climate, language and nothing with you but the clothes on your back with little notice?
Thats what the refugees did.
And they came to this country and weren't accepted here either. Many saw them as the enemy.
My friend tells the story of eventually ending up in Columbus OH with his family.
His father had been a high ranking South Vietnamese officer.
They came to this country with nothing. They were considered well to do in their country.
Here they were nobodies. The family was 2 parents and 8 siblings living in 2 rooms. My fiend and his brother lived in the car most of the time. They went to school 6 hrs a day to learn our language and culture. They worked 8 hrs after. And then they had family responsibilitiies.
He asked if I would have done that to assimilate myself into another country? I shamefully had to admit I didn't think so.
It was then that I began the practice of appreciating my country even with its flaws because it is still the best country to be a citizen I believe.
It reinforced all the immigrants I knew from my past. I had a friend whose family escaped Cuba when Fidel took over. I had a friend from Hungary and another Germany.
It made me appreciate what my grandparents had gone through to come to this country and go through Ellis Island.
It dawned on me then that my mother was first generation American.
So much we take for granted.
And we think it will always be there.
To all the Vietnam vets my heart goes out to you for what you endured that even today most of you can't talk about.
To all the new citizens of my country who made a choice to be one thank you for renewing my pride in my citizenship when I see you proud of yours.
And to the military serving today again in an unpopular time remember that you enjoy the respect you have for your service because someone paid a hefty price years ago and we haven't forgotten.
To all military past and present my undying gratitude.
I am proud to be an American.