Happy Birthday, Mom!

Happy Birthday to my Mom, the Official Mom of 'Journey Inside My Mind'! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be!

crossposted to Journey Inside My Mind

Email Update from Margaret

This is Dan, Margie's son, guest-posting. Mom sent us this email yesterday:

Hey daytonians, Just wanted to touch base. I never know when is a good time to call. All is well with me. Lab results from recent Pap test showed " there had been presence of abnormal tissue but has healed." God is great. Chances of happening on its own, None.
Bob is great. It looks like this may be it. Still going to CA in September and it lookes like I'll be going back after coming back to Texas to finalize everything here. SSD is moving along too..
Hope you all are well and good. Give Keisha a Nana kiss for me.
Love Mom

Hiya! Dan here. This morning Mom sent an email to her family members about her Mom:

This is to remind everyone Mom would have celebrated her 89th birthday today.

I know we all wish she were here to celebrate with together. However take a minute to pause and just thank her for the contribution she made to your life personally.

I think that would be a great way to honor her today.

I think of all you daily and with much love,
Margie

My grandma, Loraine Mitchell, died when I was in kindgergarten (1975). The only thing I remember about it was when my Mom took me back to school. She told my teacher that if I looked like I was feeling down, it was probably because of Grandma's funeral.

I don't remember a whole lot about my grandma. I remember that Steph(my sister) and I would visit her and Gramps at their home at 52 Graham Street in Cincinnati. She would make us "brown cows" and "pink cows" (drinks made with ice cream and either root beer or cream soda, respectively).

I also remember that she showed us how to make a flower using some facial tissue, a pipe cleaner, and a little spritz of cologne. We would fold the tissue alternatively, like you would to make a fan. Then we would wrap an end of the pipe cleaner around the middle of the folded tissue. After that we would carefully peel the tissue up on both sides to create the petals of the flower. Then we'd spray a small amount of cologne to give our flower a scent.

I vaguely remember she called me "Little Bit." It turns out that she was petite herself, not much taller than 59 inches. I see a lot of her facial features in my aunts and uncles, and sometimes in me.

She also had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which contributed to her death. I found some posts from Mom's blog about it from the April 2003, when Mom had an echo cardiogram done:

• Familial Dilated Cardiomyopathy Project
• Mom's personal reflection on being with her mother (my grandma) during her last days

I encourage you all to pray for my Mom. She has always been prone to feeling down on birth and death anniversaries.

crossposted to Journey Inside My Mind

Hiya! Dan here. I thought I'd post somewhat of an update on Mom. She's been working at a Tex-Mex restaurant she used to work at before she moved up to Ohio in 2002. She's also found someone with whom she's had a lot of conversations. I'll have to let her talk to you more about that.

There is a lot of drama going on in my family down in Texas, to be sure. For those that don't know, I have my mom, former stepdad, step-brother, and half sister. My half brother is stationed in the Navy somewhere near the Persian Gulf right now. I still consider them family. I've always thought of them as brothers and sisters, really.

Anyhow, I should let Mom elaborate more about what's been going on. She's been more close to the situation than I am. And I know that Mom will post when she gets a chance.

Signing off from Dayton, Ohio USA...

By the way...



find out more at blog.meetup.com

Hi everyone! It's really me, myself, " I " am checking in.
I need to thank Dan for filling in as he can. I can always count on him. I don't know how he gave birth to a wonderful mother like me but he did!!!
Yes, I got to the motel for the next phase of my shelter stay and as I am approaching my door I hear an excited voice holler, Margaret. I stop and look in the window of the room next to mine and who is it but the " thief" and her mother.
She was so excited to see me.
She couldn't believe her fate that God would put us in adjoining rooms.
No, I could. I have learned throuhout my life what a sense of humor God has.
She eventually went into a drug treatment program and is still there and I pray for her everday. Seriously. I wish her only the best. No one deserves to be saddled with condemnation and awful demons hanging over them.
Her mother and I have developed a friendship. She does not see her daughter through rose colored glasses.
She has a similar history as mine. We are both Christian women and support each other every day in our Christian walk.
She also has similar health concerns so we both can moan and groan together.
I found out yesterday that when I leave the motel they will hire me on the housekeeping staff. I used to work there a few years ago as the laundry person. That is a hard job.
So now I am in the process of trying to find a place.
There is a complex across the street so keep me in your prayers that this works out because I don't have a car. That will be next goal.
I have been working weekends at the Mexican Restaurant I used to work at but transportation is an issue.
I have faith that God will see me through this; sometimes I get discouraged. I am human. I just get back in the Word and rejuvenate myself.
I think I need to go back on the Depakote. I have noticed my thinking is kind of messed up sometimes. I am on three antideprressants but nothing in particular for the bipolar spefically.
I was turned down for SSD a couple of weeks ago so now we are into the appal stage again.
Life always kicks when your down doesn't it?
I got bad news from the doc last time. The last Pap test came back abnormal again.
So I was supposed to make another appointment.
When I went to make it the computer was down. I called this morning and he is booked up the rest of this month and they don't have his schedule for next month yet.
Why would I expect something else.
This is public assistance. However, I am grateful
If I can get my own place before the 10th the shelter will help me get lights and phone turned on and used furnishings. The program I am in now will pay the deposit.
So, Again keep me in your prayers.

Guest blogging for Mom

Hi to all regular, occasional, and new visitors to "Me, Myself, and I," the personal weblog of Margaret, aka Maggie and aka Margie. I call her Mom, and my daughter calls her Nana.

This is, of course, Margie's son, Dan, guest-blogging for Mom for the next several weeks or so. I maintain this blog, along with several others: head over to my homepage for more information, if you feel so inclined.

Mom reported in to us (we live in what you might call the "Dayton, Ohio USA field office") about a week or so ago. She wanted me to let everyone know that she's okay.

She found out that the "thief," whom she mentioned in previous posts, had been staying in the room next to hers. Fortunately, she was to leave the place the next day. Mom also brought the Ken doll and has found it to be significant in her therapy; i.e., a great way to take out aggression, etc. I'm sure you know what she means.

Last week, when she called, she got to talk with all of us: Keisha, my wife Jennie, and I. We made sure that Keisha got to talk to her Nana, because both of them miss each other dearly.

As you can expect, it is hard to share everything that's going on or has gone on in such a brief conversation, whether it be on the phone or a sporadic blog post such as this one.

Nevertheless, you have to try, huh?

More to come soon...

This has been Dan, Margie's son, reporting from the Dayton, Ohio USA field office of "Me, Myself, and I." Until next time... Make it a great day!

When You Need To Leave

Get professional advice. Develop a safety plan. Put some aside and a phone card and clothing and a set of car keys away from the house in a safe place.
Know that you are in most danger at the time you leave. That is why you should not go to a relative or friend's home. You are safest in a shelter. That is where you are protected and there are resources available that may not be available to you on your own.
Utilize them. Utilize this time to take care of you. It is not selfish; it is self-preserving. I had to learn this lesson. I am still learning it.
I will update as I can. Keep me in your prayers.
Thank you for all your encouragement and support.

Here is a group of elderly, couragous women demanding the right to be heard, respected and compensated by the Japanese goverment still today. We should commend them as its not there culture or in their usual way to do this.
Then there is the female circumcision issue in Africa and other nations and cultures. I, personally, have herd and read of this but to see it depicted wrenched my heart. To hear it described in graphic detail and how it is accepted practice even still today is horryifying.
My heart wrenches for my sisters of that culture.
I applaud all women who are surviving violence committed against them. As one line said in this film " we are the natural resource to populate the planet and we are being killed off." Does anyone care? I think lots of people care. It just takes someone raising awareness.
Next Thursday after seeing the play we are being given the opportunity to get up on stage and speak of our experience. I have made the decision to do this. Pray for me. It won't be easy.
I will be speaking of 51 years of abuse.I will need courage and strenght. I want to do this so I take control back from all my abusers.
I leave here tomorrow a different person than when I came in.
I was suicidal, despodant, desolate, discouraged, friendless, hopeless. I had no spirit left. I was defeated.
This shelter and staff has changed me into someone I have never been.
I know I will hard days out there ahad. This has been a controlled environment.
They gave me the resources and I had to do the work.
I will continue with support groups and counseling as I believe they are invaluable.
Anyone out ther in a domestic violence situation. Plan your escape. Call a hotline.

This may be my last post for a little while.
i am moving on to a new shelter program and won't have easy acces to a cpomputer. Stay in touch with me though.
We saw a video this morning and have been invited next week to our local college to see a play called the " Vagina Monolgues".
For those who may not have ever heard about this it was started in 1996 ( I think it was ) and the out reach is now worlwide to end violence against women across the world.
There was a documentary done recently on Lifetime which was very riveting and funny about issues concerning women and their struggles especially when it comes to violence committed against them.
For instance, a forgotten segment in our American population is the Native American women. There was a segment about a group of elderly Filipino women who were captured during World War 2 and were dubbed the " Comfort Women". Some were as young as 12 years old and forced, otherwised known as raped, by at least 12-20 Japanese soldiers on a daily basis.

This information is from a poster that hangs in the dining room at the shelter. I think its good information to put out.

Every two minutes another woman is raped. Or sexually abused. Or sexually assualted. In fact, more than 248,000 women,children and men were victims of of these violent crimes last year. If you or someone you know is a victim call the National Sexual Assualt Hotline operated by RAINN. It's free. It's confidential. And a counselor from your local rape treatment center is waiting to help anytime of day.
1-800-656-HOPE National Sexual Assualt Hotline
R Rape
A Abuse&
I Incest
N National
N Network
635-B Pennsylvania Ave.,SE. Washington DC 20003
www.rainn.org

Last night I found a Fake Ken doll laying on one of the bookcases. He was laying there with his arms streched out and that fake smile smirking at me. I grabbed him up and committed domestic violence on him.
He was the first male figure I have seen since December 22nd.
I did everything physical to him that had ever been done to me over my life. Two of the other women were with me. We were cracking up. We laughed so hard we were rolling on the floor. Kathy was snorting like a pig she was laughing so hard. The other woman was the America's Most Wanted crimal.
No matter what I did he wouldn't get that smirk off his face though.
He did get epilepesy after awhile. His head started bobbing around.
And we discovered that no mattered where you threw him he couldn't fly!
I know this sounds sick but it was theurapeutic.
We put a comment in the suggetion box that they needed to get dollar store Ken dolls for support groups and let the women commit domestic violence on them to release the anger and frustration that has built up. I am sure the counselors will have an idea that this was not healthy but I sure feel better. 51 years of abuse and I finally got to get a lot of out in a constructive way feels good.
And we thought about asking for a blue marker to draw bruises on him but thought that might be going a little too far. So Ken woke up this morning OK.
The staff person had to come out and see what we laughung about so hard.
We called him names to and he took it. He didn't talk back either.
I will try to update as I can and when I leave here I will have Dan be my liason as me being crazymaggiemay the roving reporter through the Houston shelter programs.
Pray for me folks.

Today was the pampering day. A group from the Houston North Junior League came out and volunteered to give us a luncheon and made baskets with some special spiced tea, a homemade neck wrap for when your muscles are aching ( which you know I will appreciate), a jar with homemade bath salts and a candle.
The luncheon was very nice. We were served with real dishes and silverware which was a treat because we usuasalyy have paper plates and plastic forks.
The tables were set festive.
We had a nice salad and and the main course was a rissotto and onion mixture and some kind of a ckicken breast with sour cream and I'm not sure whatever else but it was really good. I think it was rolled in a croissant and baked.
Dessert was a choice of a death by chocolate cake or ceesecake swirled with chocolate.
Hard choice but I chose the cheesecake. I could hardly move by the time I was finished.
One of the ladies was a Mary Kay Manager and she gave us skin care tips and had us do a manicure.
One of the ladies looked so much like my Jennie it was uncanny. I told her so.
She even had the smile and laugh.
It made me miss Dan, Jennie and Keisha.
Mary Kay Company has a foundation that supports breast cancer programs and helps fund 51 battered women shelters across the country.
A fact I recently learned is that every 15 seconds a women is battered somewhere in this country. Every 15 seconds.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------That took 15 seconds.
When I heard that it struck me to my core. It was like when I found out my sisters had also been abused.
It was one thing to know I was but quite another to learn so many other women walked the same walk.
It really hurts my heart to know this.
The house deal is going nowhere fst.
Right after I blogged the last time we got the rental application on the apartment up the street.
I really thought this was the place the Lord wanted me to be.
Anyway, on the ap they needed us to be able to prove we made 3X's the income of the rent which we can't do so that door is closed. As far as the other place we'll see. I have further investigation to do. And it may well be there is a place the Lord wants me to be that hasn't been discovered yet.
Not having a car is a huge obstacle.
Kathy used some of her food stamps today and one of the women with a car took her to the store and she cooked a fabulous meal. She made her chicken/spaghetti and she made a huge salad and Texas Toast. She was going to make Mississippi Mud Pie but ran out of time.
One of the other women is going to cook tommorrow. She said sh'll make the pie tommorrow. We just about can't move around here tonight.
They just started letting us have the priveledge of cooking ourselves on the weekend because the help they have on the weekend does such a poor job of cooking. They are like college students.
Last weekend we got DiGiorno Pizza with dough that wasn't done and hot wings that were still frozen. There's your sign!!
I will be leaving this shelter Thursday and going into another shelter program.
I will be put up at a motel that has a kitchenette.
I won't have easy access to a computer though. What I will have when I do get to one is some more interesting stories in the ongoing saga of my shelter experience.
Motel life. Now there should be some interesting blogging.
I may have to call Dan periodically and pass things along and have him update!
Kind of like the old time reporters.
This is crazymaggiemay reporting from somewhere in the greater Houston area......
signing off now

Today and the past couple of days are bad fibromyalgia days. We are going to get rain. I expect within the next 12 hours. I haven't seen a weather forecast; my body forecasts.
There has been a lot of drama again.
I decided I could make a lot of money by scripting a reality TV show or or a sitcom or drama series out of here.
I am serious. I know there is money to be made somehow.
This afternoon one of the women got a call from a friend who had to move hastily from an apartment and apparently left it in amess that the apartment people were going to have her arrested for leaving it dirty. She put in acall to the sheriff dept. about it and was awaiting the call back.
While she was waiting I made a jole that we would see her on America's Most Wanted.
There would be her picture with her her children and her decsription ( she has a distintive disability) driving south on the freeway with a description of the thief who was my roommate( she was at atraffic light yesterday and jumped into this woman's car) carrying Wal-mart and Kroger bags and large bottle of Sprite heading south to unknown destination. Has been known to be roomate of former person practicing witchcraft who wears many pierced earrings and plastic bracelets and size 7 mens's jeans with large pants pockets but thinks they are size 7 Medium because they say " M ".
Last known residence was a battered women's shelter.
If you see this women she is considered to be dangerous and is to be avoided. Call authorities immediately.
We were hysterical.
The police called her back and told her thew only thing that would happen is she wouldn't get her deposit back. Darn, took all the fun out it.
I find the fun in dysfunctional all the time.
Next week will be decision time. I will either be leaving or be staying for 2 more weeks but then my time is up.
Kathy and i found an apartment we like right up the street.
We can come back for groups. It is literally a block up the street. We have no car right now so that is a disadvantage. one of the women took her a couple of mornings ago early to try to find the car I mentioned in an earlier blog but it wasn't where it was supposed to be.
They left out at 6AM and were thinking they might even be shot at. In fact, it was the same America's Most Wanted woman who took her.
That same woman approched us last night with an offer to move about 50 miles south to a 6 bedroom house with a guy she knows as a friend where there is a pool and a jacuzzi, etc. and we could live very cheap and each be able to save for a car.
It seems like one of those things that sounds too good to be true.However, when we had church here Sunday the Lord had a word for me through a woman and He said I needed to walk in my faith and my blessings would be there. So do you see my dilemna?
Is this the blessing or a trick by Satan to lure me away?
When I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia I was told I should have water therapy everyday.
Supposedly, the people who have this huge house just want to help we women because of our situation. You hear of these things happening but you also hear of people having nightmaririshish experiences because of these kinds of things too.
I am the oldest of the bunch. Like the Mom and big sister so I feel even more responsible to do the smart thing.
We have the option of going into another shelter program for a month also.
So next week we will decide something.
I talked to my ex-husband last night and found out that my ex-father-in-law is dying. I never much cared for the man yet I am saddened.
It brings up a lot of emotion.
I dearly loved my mother-in-law. She was a terrific woman.
I don't hate my ex and we are friendly and he of course is saddened by this news.
I was in the family for 22 years and 2 of my children are part of the family so I am still connected.
I am in contact with the kids of course.
None of us are fond of the grandfather with good reason.
It just makes me miss the grandmother. She was my mother in my adult life as I lost my own mother at 23years old.
I was the daughter she never had.
I never was back in her house after her funeral. I just couldn't go back. And the distance made it easy to stay away and then finally the divorce. I couldn't imagine pulling up in front of the house and she not coming out front to welcome us or not being in the kitchen telling me how I could help.
She was a strong Christian woman.
I knew I was getting older when once she offered me some clothes and I actually took them because I could see me wearing them and not because I felt like I should not to hurt her feelings !
God rest her soul.
The lady that did the money management group came back last night and gave a talk on organizing.
What a great talk it was. By the way, the book is called, " The Best of Cheapskate Monthly " by Mary Hunt.
She also has a newsletter you can subscibe to. I really reccommend the book. As soon as I get some money ahead Iam going to get the newsletter.
Great advice.
Tommorrow we are having " Pampering Day". I am not sure what they are doing but I am sure it is going to be nice.
I know our 2 case managers are watching the toddlers. This is a riot because one is single and the other just got married at the holidays. They are scared to death!!!!
We are cracking up over this.
They are both so sweet. The staff here is great.
I'll let you all know how the day goes.
We got to open a checking account with a dollar by the way.
I'll let you all know how Saturday goes.
Pray for me.

National FMS - CFS Database Banner

Hi. It's Dan, Margie's son, here. I'm adding the banner to the blog template. You can, too! Here's the page with the code you'll need.

I've also revised the template so that the posts are "spread out" more on the page, if you happen to use a higher screen resolution.

Now, let's see how this looks...

Tonight is a potpourri of thoughts. I have felt so awful all day. The weather is terrible; it is cold and wet. I ache so bad. Kathy and and I were required to move to a different room the day before yesterday and the beds are horrible.
Today one of the ladies felt so bad for me she went out and bought some Ben-gay and one of those egg-crate mattress thingies. Wasn't that so sweet. i didn't have the money for something like that.
You would have laughed watching me trying to take it out of the package.
Watch the cripple who can hardly move try to get the spongy material away from the plastic!!!!
It will be interesting to see how I can do my chores tonight. We had two exit yesterday so we have extra chores tonight.
Let's see how Christian some of these women REALLY are, huh?!
Kathy says she wants all of us to sing the " loolipop song " from the Munchckins of the Wizard of Oz movie at her funeral amd one of the girls here has perfected it so well. We were rolling laughung watching her do it.

Lasdt night A group came from a Copsmetology College to give us manicure. Badly needed and and greatly appreciated. We have had a bank come and let us open an account with a dollar. And a lady on money management came and gave a talk on time and money money management. She reccommened a book by Mary Hunt I think it was> I have the book in my room . I will check the title and author and get back to you but it is great and sensible advice.
Well, almost tome for house meeting.

I had to stop to do my nightly chores but had some time and wanted to come back to the subject.
Through support groups and counseling I learned I never got what I was supoosed to get from either parent and was abused by both in different ways. It was hard to face and to come to grips with the recognition of all the facts of this; especially from my mother. You have to understand, we were raised that in our house she was revered. She was put on a pedestal.
To have to recognize that I suffered abuse from her all my life while she was alive and and suffered " failure to thrive" at her hands is pretty hard to face. I love her but do not like what she did. I love my father but do not like what he did.
I don't know if I can say I love my brothers. I know I can say I hate what they did.
All those things formed me to make incorrect choices as a young adult.That led me into further abuse.
I suffered some pretty unspeakable abuse at the hands of my first husband. I have remained reluntanct to talk about about it because of the kids. I have kept quiet for for 35 years.
I have protected him by protecting them.
Yet the memories are still there as real as yesterday; just as many of the memories of my childhood.
I've remembered things and events from childhood that I hadn't recalled in all these years until being here.
I was never safe to recall them until being here.
I was never safe to discuss them until being here.
There was one man once in my life for 18 months that I think really loved me and I sent him away. I couldn't believe in it. Nothing good ever really happened to me. How I regret that decision.
Self-fulfilling prophesy I guess.
My parents were so damaging to my self-esteem.
I was raised to believe that the boys were better than we girls.
I was raised to believe that because I was premature I was worthless and costly, One brother told me that I meant that there was going to be more of nothing.
I spent my life trying to make up for my existence.
Until I came here I don't think I ever felt I belonged somewhere except when I had my own place for awhile.
Its kind of pitiful to be 51 and first learning some of these skills.
I don't really primp or care what I wear. I should. I observe other women. I think I am going to but I never get around to it.
I just have never really learned how to do all of that.
And i have gained so much weight over the last few years that I don't even feel good if I would do it.
And when you are beaten down emotionally you don't want someone to notice you.
You want to fade into the background.
I believe a new me is emerging.
The caterpillar will become the butterfly eventually. As it happens in nature it is a struggle. If the struggle doesn't happen the butterefly dies.
It has to do it on its own.

I have thought about the subject matter I have written about since stating to wtite this blog. Being A Bipolar; having chronic pain with arthritis and fibromyalgia; being an incest survivor; living in my Christian faith; living in my home state of Ohio and living with my wonderful son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter
and granddog, Jake; moving back to Texas to be with the one I loved and then to be abused and to chronicle the events of the shelter life and the stastistics I have learned.
I guess the domestic violence issue is the hardest to write about because it is about the ones you love. For me it starts from the ones who gave me life and to whom I should have been able to look upon for help and guidandanceand safety.
I wonder did I do that effectively for my own children since I didn't know what it was for myself.
It scares the hell out of me to think I could have failed them in such a basic way.
It really does. The love I have for them is so overwhelming it makes my heart want to burst. They all just don't know.
I have tried to control my emotions in recent years to allow them to be themselves and not overpower them with my own stuff.
Kids, your Mom does and always will love you.

Is your relationship based on power and control?
Physical and sexual assualts, or threats to commit them, are the most apparent forms of domestic violence and sre usually the actions that allow others to become aware of the problem.
However, trgu7lar use of other abusive behaviors by the batterer , when reinforced by one or more acts of physical violence, makeup a larger system of abuse.
Although physical assualts may occur only once or occassionally, they instill threat of future abuse or violent attacks and allow the abuser to take control of the woman's life and circumstances.
The Power and Control Diagram is particularlarly
helpful in understanding the overall pattern of abusive behaviors which are used by a batterer to establish and maintain control over his partner.
Very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of these and other types of abuse. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.
____________
The Power and Control Wheel
-Intimidation-
Making her afraid by using looks, actions and gestures; smashing things;destroying her property;abusing her pet(s);displaying weapons;
-Emotional Abuse-
putting her down; making her feel bad about herself; calling her names; making her think she is crazy; playing mind games;humiliating her;making her feel guilty;
-Isolation-
contolling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads and where she goes;limiting her outside involvemement; usiing jealousy to justify actions;
-Minimimizing,Denying,&Blaming-
making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously; saying the abuse didn't happen; shifting the responsibility for abusive behavior; saying she caused it;
-Using Children-
making her feel guilty about the children by telling her she is is a bad parent or by telling her the children need a two parent home; threatening to hurt the children; using the children to relay messages;using visitation to harass her; threatening to take the children away;
-Economic Abuse-
preventing her from getting or keeping a job; making her ask for money; giving her an allowance ;taking her money;not letting her know about or have access to fmily income;
-Male Privelege-
treating her like a servant;making all the big decisions; acting like the " master of the castle"; being the one to define men's and women's roles;
-Coercion and Threats-
making or carrying out threats to hurt her;
threathening to commit suicide or report her to welfare; making her drop charges;
making her do or participate in illegal things;
The Cycle of Violence
Phase 1-Tension arguing
Phase 2-Violence battering
Phase 3-Romance making up he is sorry it won't ever happen again
Phase 3-Romance

Every two minutes a woman is sexually assualted, battered or abused. That is a sobering statistic isn't it. I hope all of you stop to think about that and realize it can be you, your mother, sister, aunt, daughter, neighbor.
What are you going to do now that you are aware?
Be aware of your surroundings at all times.
Never let your guard down. Never think you are safe.
Park in lighted areas only.
Keep doors and windows locked at all times.This isn't the 50's anymore.
If you are at a party or at a club and you turn your head from a drink do not drink it.
Date rape drugs are barely detecteded through taste.
Most rapists are known to their victims.
I just want you all to be informed.
Keep us all in your prayers.

The Lord is doing amazing things here. The lady I have become close to and I got our extensions; we didn't think we would. We had run into all kind of obstacles. Now we have new ones we are facing. I started new medication and it has me me very groggry. At the same time I came down with a head and chest cold and a bad cough and a virus the doc said. He said it could turn bacterial and I have used up my medication allotment for the month so I am standing in Jesus" name that it won't.
I am so sore fro coughing so much. The weather has been cold and damp.
We are heading into a really cold week.
I am supposed to put in ten job applications which the law firm handling the disability case objects to because it will hurt my case so I have that to contend with.
It will work out because God has it in His Hands.
One of the girls who said she wanted to be saved was not for real as we found out as has left the shelter. Bad things happened to her this past week. She has lied all the way around.
She lied to CPS and the Courts.And her infant was removed from her care for molestation charges against her and her abuser. She thought we were all stupid.
She tought she could play with God.
Ironically, the one that was Wicca is fighting more than ever. She really needs prayer. Her whole family is coming at her.
She found out two days after she she was saved that she had a sister who committed suicide three weeks earlier as did a brother two years earlier due to the the father sexually abusing them. She has a daughter from the incest living in the family home.
As I said, keep her in your prayers.
Some of these women are the bravest people I'll ever meet.
Someday, I'll tell their whole stories.
Someday, I'll tell mine.
Even my children don't know all of mine. I am only now remembering some of it through hearting some of others in groups and going throught he counseling here.
I knew I was a survivor but didn't know to what degree until recently.
I have fought for life literally since I was born.
We had church again this morning here and it was wonderful.
We have a prayer meeting every night in my room.
I have such a peace about me now tha tI have never had in my life.
My case manager is a strong Christian woman too and she slips me notes of encouragement.
I don't hear from my kids as much as I'd like but that is OK.
I got an E- mail from Keisha today.
I miss her a lot.
She has a boyfriend but I reminded her the only boy she is allowed to kiss is her Dad!
And, she can't get married until her Nana gives her approval.
In the future I am going to copy down from some notes I have on domestic violence.
Some of the statistics are stggering.
For instance-
Most women are wearing blue jeans when they are sexually assualted not something sexy and alluring or provacative.
The average age for sexual assualts is from 16-25 and almost all sexual assailaints are known to the victim.
Battering is the most common injury to women above car accidents or hosehold accidents.
These are just a few of the statistics.
Domestic Violence always escalates.
Women need to know this information. Men do too.
It doesn't get better without intervention. Praying it away isn'y going to help. Wishing it away isn't going to help.
Turning your head isn't going to make it go away.
If you think its going on, its going on. It doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. That was the mistake I made. I truly didn't know that it was abuse becase it words or attitude or presece. I didn't know it escalates. I didn't know the cycle of violence.
The only element of the cycle that eventually leaves is the honeymoon or romance stage and that's the one we victims try to get to. We will sometimes hasten the tension phase to get through it.We want to get through the tension and battering phase to get to the honeymoon phase where everything is wonderful for awhile so we can breathe again for awhile.
But the cycle gets shorter and shorter.And eventually that phase leaves altogether.
Anyone out there going through it needs to know this. Develop a safety plan and call a women shelter and plan your exit. You are at the most risk when you are leaving. If you know someone who is planning this be supportive.
They are in the most danger at this time.
Help them do not hinder them.Please.
Get them to a safe place.
If you are planning to leave do not go to afamily member or friend's home. Your abuser will look for you there. Go to a women shelter. They are experienced and are protected.
There are things I am afforded here that I could not have accomplished on my own on the outside.
Coming here was a God thing.
I will write more when I can.

The last 24 hours have been amzing.
First of all there are several Christian women here and we have been praying for our situations and that Satan be bound in our lives and those that would oppress us.
One of the ladies has a daughter who has a gift and she told her mother awhile back that there were " witches " here.
We found out that in fact there are some here. It was admitted at a support group.
I believe since we are Americans we all have the right to follow what each of us believes to be Truth however as a Christian I also know that there is only one true God and He shed His blood on the cross and rose again from the dead for our salvation. He paid the price so that we wouldn't have to be oppressed or live in fear. In the Bible it says ALL good and perfect things come to us from God.And, it also says that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy.
It is my duty to profess what I know to be truth.
Last night one of the women noticed sticks placed around her car in the fashion of a spell. She knows this to be true because her abuser practiced witch craft and she has studied intensely on it.
She and I decided we would pray over her car and family. Well, before it was all said and done we ended up having a prayer meeting in my room for about an hour.
I'm telling you God was in this house and and The Holy Spirit was here.
During the prayer time one of the girls came in and wanted to be saved.
Wait, it gets better.
A little later one of the others shared that she was in mortal fear of her abuser and had been threatened with murder if she followed through with her protective order.
She had a cousin who was murdered at the courthouse alomg with her grandmother when she went to court.
So we stayed with her for an hour witnessing. She admitted she is angry with God for her situation.
Another one woke up this morning with a health issue and I asked if she would like me to pray with her for healing; she did.
We had decided last night we would hold church here in the dining room after breakfast.
All but one woman came and she is in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy and didn't get up in time.
The last witch who was the most activly practicing came to our service and asked to be saved and was slain in the spirit as we prayed over her for deliverance. You could just feel God through His Spirit working in her.
The lady took the two that were saved immediately to a church.
Ironically, we are having some trouble with a staff person today on issues that were never an issue until today.
That's OK we are in prayer for her too.
Isn't God great?
I can't imagine going through all the strife in my life without Jesus.
Here we are in a battered women's shelter and He is with us through one of the darkest times in our lives.
I turned in all my paperwork Friday for my 14 day extension. I was able to get a doctor's note as I was requested to do. Then I was told it may not be good enough.
I told the staff person who professes to be a strong Christian that I had obtained everything they wanted as they wanted and if it wasn't enough God was in control and I had peace with it.
If I am meant to no longer be here I know He has another place for me.
I did get 3 prscriptions
however have yet to get them filled.
A roomate who was exited had stolen my money so I had to contact a family member to bring me some money. I should be able to get them filled.
The doc and I puzzled over which prescriptions to get because I am limited to three.
We finally decided on the Remeron for sleep and the Topamax and Lexapro. I can use over the counter pain reliever. He said my stomach doesn't sound good though from all the Ibuprofen I have taken.
Again, God is good. This doc was compassionate and understanding of my situation.
I still like the one I had in Ohio better but I would have lost her at the end of the year anyway. She was completing residency and moving to another state.
So that is the update on me so far today.
I am in the Houston area and today is Super Bowl so the city is buzzing with all the activity.
We may try to put on our version of a Super Bowl part later.
Last year I remember Jennie made hot wings and we had a beer. It was really nice.
I keep up with the paper from Dayton and they have had some nasty weather this wek.
I miss my kids and Keisha but I sure don't miss the nasty weather.
So keep me and the others in your prayers.

I hope I can keep this computer running long enough to post this.
A lot has been happening but I probably can't write about all of it.
My extension is due by Friday midnight. Its crunch time. I have run into so many roadblocks the last few weeks trying to get stuff done. i have accomplishe a lot however difficult.
tuesday I went to the Social Security shrink; just arranging to get there was a challenge.
After mt consultation he said he would approve me and expedite the process so i could get my benefits and medical ASAP.
Today I go to the SS medical doc. Pray it goes as well.
I talked to the legal firm yesterday and she said if both docs approve and expedite it would probably be about 60 days and they are shooting for my case to go back into 2002 when I originally filed. Pray that it works out. I could use that money to help get a car.
One of the women here and I are going to try to get a place together to save on expenses.
I found a place but I am running into roadblocks getting the lady to understand about getting the deposit from an agency that helps women coming out of a shelter.
And she wants the money for the rent now instead on the move in date.
Its a private owner not a complex.
We want to get a place there because we will feel safe and its quiet and convenient for what we need.
Also, another woman has a car that her ex has but its in her name and she " gave " the title to my potential roommate.
The only problem is her ex has the car. He is supposed to be at court today so they are as we speak trying to locate the car and take it back.
Its an old Honda but we don't care. Its wheels. You can't imagine the struggle trying to get stuff done without transportation.
I need medical verification about my condition as part of the requirement for my extension. I have spent a week calling back to my former clinic trying to obtain this info. Last week the fax was broke here for 3 days but no one knew it. They couldn't figure it out.
( ???? )
I even called back to the shrink I saw Tuesday to ask him to fax something but got a recording and haven't heard anything yet.
I go tomorrow to start at a clinic here. I have to pay $7.50 for medication but don't have the money.
They will write 3 prescriptions a month.
i have to figure out how to find a way to pay for the meds now.
I hope if I haven't heard back from these other docs that the doc I see tomorrow will write out something or else I am screwed as far as a 14 day extension. I will be exited next week.
One of my roomate here stole my calling card and money. I was stupid and didn't know it because I don't think like a thief.
My locker combination was in my coat pocket.
I didn't think about someone could get into my pocket and get it.
She was caught last week shoplifting from Wal-Mart.
All they gave her was a citation to appear in court. Had they arrested her I wouldn't have been stolen from.
the shelter exited her yesterday because she committed a confidentiality and security breach on another issue.
Last night we discovered there is another thief here.
One of the women has 3 children and works at a Sonic trying to get up on her feet.
She had 4 shirts and a couple of outfits in a bag and went to use the phone and accidentally left her back by the phone when she walked away.
She remembered about it a few minutes later and went back but it was gone.
The sad thing is if she can't turn in those shirts if she leaves the job they will keep her check.
What is it in people that they feel they have to steal from women who are down on their luck? We are all in the same boat here. WQe almost all of us will share what we have because we understand each others situation; people don't have to steal.
I know its a compulsion but its very disturbing.
We come in here being screwed over by someone we love and who is supposed to be loving us and then to get screwed over by someone who is walking in the same shoes.
I can't wait to be out of here.
I am grateful that this place is here and I will always protect the location and confidentiality and safety of future residents. I have learned invaluable information while here. I just will be glad to have my own place.
I just need these extra couple of weeks to get a few loose ends tied up.
So that is a short synopsis on what is up with me.
I will update as I can.
Keep me in your prayers.

Things here are calm right now. The ones that were troublemakers have been weeded out.
We have a good group. We are very supportive of each other.
yet, we know it won't last.
There is one bed in my room that we call the pshcho bed. The last three intakes that ended up in my room were VERY interesting if you know what I mean.
The joke is don't even give them sheets or toiletries because they aren't staying that long.
We had one that claimed she was abducted from Wal-Mart parking lot by three black men,taken to the Ramada Inn and forced to use crack and smoke pot under threat of being shot with AK-47's and then raped. BUT, she was laughing about it and we caught her in so many lies.
She ended up at Wal- Mart because she was reporting to her probation officer on Saturday but they were closed for lunch. She was supposedly there for a UA ( pee test for drugs).
She said the cops didn't buy her story and I told her I didn't either.
She lasted here overnight and took off.
Then another one was here for a day but went home because she was out of cigarettes.
The other one was just a kook.
Tonight the hispanic women were trying to teach us how to "punta dance".
I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.
I needed it because the day started off with a lot of anxiety and depression.
I really need my meds. I have been hurting so bad I can't stand it. I am using over the counter Ibuprofen but they only let you have 2 tablets twice a day. That isn't even half the dose of one prescription pill I was taking not counting the other pain management stuff.
I have been having a real problem sleeping. i have nightmares or the pain keeps waking me up.
I got a bottle of Vitamin B to help with the anxiety and to relax for sleep but it isn't helping much. I know I need to sleep for the mania so this is starting to be a real problem. I am cycling more now than I have in a long time. I finally wa given 2 appoint,ments to see Social Security docs for my disability claim. I don't know how I am going to get there because I don't have a car anymore and they won't provide transportation here.
I will probably only be able to stay here for a couple of more weeks and then I will be exited because my time is running out.
I am having trouble finding an apartment because I don't have verifiable income and"or some other issues.
I am not yet 55 and I don't have minor children so I don't qualify for State aid.
My disability claim hasn't been approved yet so I can't claim that.
I will figure something out.
I allow myself to cry and just tell myself this too shall pass.
I have been forced to remember things from my past that have been repressedfrom seeing certain situations here and hearing other stories from the other women here.
We even had one here who ws accused of molesting children. She was accused and then we found out she was in another shelter previous to here and was exited for the same issue.
That brought up issues of the incest and sexual assualts that were repressed.
I have remembered more abuse from my father since I have been in here.
We have a support group almost every day and through these some of thes issues have come to light.
The woman I talked about in an earlier post has left and gone back to her home state. We are very concerned for her safety.
Please keep her and her children in your prayers. Someday I will tell her story. It is the worst case of horrendous abuse anyone could ever experience.
She is writing her autobigrapy and if ti is ever published I will reccomend it. She is very young as has had to endure horrific abuse.
The night before she left she had a bad dream that I pray was not prophetic.
There is a plaque outside with the name of 5 women who have been in this shelter but were murdered by there abuser when they left.
In her dream she said we were all sitting on the porch and she was walking up towards us but we couldn't see her.
As she walked past the plaque she looked down and her name was on the plaque.
It gave me cold chills.
She had to return to her homestate to testify in front of a grand jury but her abusers family is lookin for her. If they ever find her they will kill her and the children.
They are capable. That is all I can reveal.
As I said she needs constant prayer.
On a lighter note we all are finding our humor again. We have private jokes between us. The staff doesn't know what to do with us.
The other night instead of a support session we taken on a field trip to an auto repair shop and a guy from AAA gave great discussion. We all learned a lot and fun just getting out. On the way bavk we were making jokes about all kinds of stuff that would only be funny to other women in our situation. The staff member didn't know what to think.
Imagine 14 women in an old white van who haven't been out for awhile.
I found out my youngest is out to sea somewhere in the world. That is all he can say so keep him in your prayers and Dan and Jennie are having a hard time. Not that he tells me much because I think he doesn't want me to worry. He doesn't understand I am worried because I don't know what is going on.
My oldest daughter still isn't speaking.
And the youngest daughter is going to college and right now is taking a math class that is tough for her.
I am so proud of her because she is learning disabled but is determined to go to nursing school. She has wanted to do something in the medical profesion since was in 3rd grade.
She qualifies for tutoring because of her disabilities but she won't ask.
I found out recently that she has driven to Florida and Dallas. This from someone who was afraid to go on the freeway a couple of years ago.
I really love my kids.And I am so sorry for all the grief and anquish I have put them through because of wrong choices I have made in my life.
I have a hard time forgiving myself.
I know Jesus has forgiven me; I am my worst enemy.
Its something I work on daily.
Thank you to buddies who kep in touch with E-mail. I really appreciate it.
Your encouragement goes a long way.
So until next time....

The thief was busted and Finally owned up.
The next day her roommate had some missing so the thief was asked if she took it and acted all upset. She wanted to know why everyone thought she took it.Duh...
Now she says she is going into rehab. We'll see.
She really got upset when I told her I couldn't stand a liar or a thief.
Well, if the shoe fits. All the women here have tried to give her the benfit of our experiences. I don't think she is really out of denial. She has three little boys who just want their Mama to be good.
One of the girls got good news. Her abuser was caught Thursday. She is one I mentioned when I first got here.
Unfortunately, the state she is from has a law that no matter the charge you can bail out within 24 hours.
We convinced her that after he is tried and in prison to work on changing the law. If succesful, it will be named after her child who witnessed more brutality than any person should ever have to witness.
We now hope he won't be a flight risk. She in some ways is in more danger right now than she ever was.
Keep her family in your prayers.
We have groups almost everyday and I am learning a lot.
I now know the cycle of violence.
For those who don't know it starts out with the tension building phase.
It moves on to the violence phase; which can mean verbal, emotional, psychological as well as physical abusiveness.
Next comes the romance phase or is commonly called the honeymoon phase. That is where the abuser is sorry and promises it will never happen again.
A common misconception is that some women will stay because they must want to be abused.
The abuser thinks she is OK with it because of the honeymoon phase.
What is really happening is that the abuser has returned to what she knew as his " normal " self. She feels safe again.
But the honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter.
A common expression among all women who have lived with violence is that they feel they are walking on eggshells. The tension is so intense that the one being abused can only focus on doing anything that will eliminate the tension phase.
The result is clummsiness, worrying, forgetfullness, anxiety, sleep and eating changes.
We had one group on the effects of children witnessing violence in their home. It is a fact that statistically they will grow up and be ADHD, self-mutilate or harm themselves in some way and have drug or alcohol issues. (0% of abusive men witnessed violence within their own home while growing up.
Its only been recent that the facts started coming together.
So women who say they are staying for their children are not doing their children justoce.
I know I did in my first marriage and I witness the result of that now with the children of that marriage.
The clergy and church needs to come out of denial on this issue.
Love will sometimes hurt but it is never supposed to harm.
I have had to reckon myself this past week with what living with violence and abuse has done to my life and that in a lot of ways I also inflicted it on others around me.
That is a big pill to swallow.
I am still falling through the cracks as far as a lot of resources because I am not yet 55 and/or I don't have underage children.
I did finally get with public assistance this week and have to come up with a couple more documents but I will get to see a doctor and can get 3 meds a month. It will cost $7.50 for each which is a lot of money when you have none. That's another catch.
Women with underage children can get a cash benefit from the state. I don't qualify.
Women with children are first to get housing and other resources and I totally understand it. Yet, there are people like me who are falling through the cracks.
This shelter has strict criteria to be able to stay here for a short time.
NO ifs and s or buts.
They aren't as helpful as far as being pointed in the right direction.
I am finding out about some resouces or the potential of some on my own.
The expectation would be if I can find this out why isn't the case managers equally informed? And, don't question my credibility when I give you a response to a certain pusuit that the outcome wasn't what was expected.
We come in here having not been believed. We don't need it from staff.
I have met a few women who are strong Christian women and we are developing a friendship. We are not friends. I remind people of that daily.
I didn't know them before I got here and most I will never see or talk to after I leave.
It doesn't mean I am not empathetic of their situation however I have my own issues I am dealing with.
I don't get any more caught up in the drama than I absolutely can avoid.
I walk away from it whenever possible.
There have been a few instances that I couldn't.
My trust level is very low.
I have over my life really trusted and been burnt every time.
I am really cautious now.
I am picking who I associate with not letting them pick me.
I also am very straight forward about it.
The manipulators don't know what to make of me.
And, they think they are so slick.
They don't like it when they are confronted with an issue and its put to them straight up.
I have actually had to tell a couple of them I don't believe you.
At one time I would have but not anymore.
I have been lied to so many times in my life that I can pretty well spot it now.
The other day I was laughing with a couple of the women and one said that was the first time she had heard me really laugh.
I said I must be in withdrawal. I hadn't heard yet that day that I was stupid, ugly, fat or a slut.
There was humor but there was also a lot of truth.
That was an awakening.
So, that's it for now.
Keep me in your prayers.

Its been CRAZY here the last few days. There is more drama here than on any soap opera.
The thief is still loose. We have it narrowed down to who we think it is but haven't been able to catch her in the act so staff will do nothing to intervene.
Last night the lady in the room next to mine said her daughter found a Prozac and she reported it to staff. One of the other ladies was missing meds one being Prozac. She is in the room on the other side.
The suspected thief rooms with the lady in the next room.
The thief also may be a potential sexual molester. There have been words, attitudes and mannerisms to a lot of people that have raised eyebrows. She came back in one night drunk and ran her mouth and admitted she was bisexual.
She has made overtures to another daughter of another family. The daughter freaked out because one of the issues they came in here on was incest.
That family is moving out today.
The staff will not exit this gal or even move her to an adult room. The lady in the next room said her girls wouldn't even sleep in their room last night.
There was another one here they got rid of that had gang connections and was up all night everynight doing computer porn.
She was always running her mouth on a sezxual nature and made many of us uncomfortable.
Four new families came from another shelter in a nearby town and knew this girl from there and they said she was exited because she was caught exposing a child to pornographic pictures.
That is just some of the drama.
I have met everyday with my case manager since she returned from the holidays and am finding out she doesn't know squat about being helpful.
I have done more on my own.
She has even questioned me on that I don't have facts correct and called places in front of me to prove me wrong.She then found out I was right.
There isn't the help available to me because I don't have underage children. I am falling through the cracks.
I have an appointment tomorrow with the public assistance agency to see about meds. That's all they will do and that is at least something.
Another lady here found out about another medical program on her own that her case manager knew nothing about.
Many of us are really angry because we were told through the holidays to just wait until the case managers came back and they would be so helpful. They haven't been.
A lot of the information they have is outdated yet they use as criteria to determine your stay here.
We had a group yesterday and we really let it loose.
We complained about the food issue, the respect of some staff to us and the level of trust and confidentiality that we have caught being broken by staff to staff and to some residents.
We have one that is 24 and tries to run this like a drill sargeant. If you don't do your chores to her specifications she will come get you out of bed and make you redo it. I am talking about some petty stuff not something that would really be an issue.
The other day it was muddy and she was hell bent on seeing " who ' was tracking in mud so we all had to show her the bottom of your shoes even if you were in your room. We had been sweeping and mopping up mud all day so it wasn't an issue except to her.
She threatens to exit us if the least little thing doesn't go her way.
I told her the other day I could get abused at home I didn't need to be in a shelter to get it.
I have such a level of distrust of people right now and things here have only confirmed my beliefs.
Yet out in the community this place is so recognized as a leading place for women to come to to get help.
I was told by the hospital and the mental health clinic this was the place I needed to be so that is why I came here.
I can't say I have really been helped.
I wish professional people could come out of denial and admit that maybe they don't everything because they learned it in a book and sometimes people who are living a situation may actually know what they are talking about.
But, I am not college educated so what would I know.
We even have staff that when we get really into honesty they will say " subject change ".
And we will have to listen to something about their boyfriend or how their car isn't running right, etc.
If I wasn't experiencing thios myself I wouldn't have believed it.
I am so tired of being lied to and manipulated.
Being here has brought a lot of stuff to surface that I have had to recognize about myself and my past and it hasn't been a pleasant experience.
Nonetheless, it is good that its surfacing.
I admitted to my case manager that I am chronically suicidal Not that right now this minute I would act on it but the desperation, hopelessness and fear of the future are always present.
It could be as simple as being diagnosed with cancer and refusing chemo.
She made me promise if I felt I would act on it to let a staff person know.
I was totally honest. I told her I would say yes because that is the right thiong to say. However, if and when an opportunity presented itself and I was feeling that terrible depression I wouldn't come find someone.
I also told her I knew she needed me to say that to absolve her or this place of any liability.
They think we are stupid.
I have my faith and that sustains me through all this.
A cute thing happened last night on a lighter note.
A little girl who reminds me of Keisha when she was 3 is here and she was really afraid of " monsters'. She shared this with me so I took her to all the doors and we prayed.
" Dear God, make the monsters go away. Amen"
Her Mom said when she went to bed she wanted to pray likew the lady did so they did and she slept all night. The first time in a long time.
There are kids here who have witnessed violence to a degree that is a;most incomprehensible.
It breaks my heart.
I do find my humor though.
Especially at night. There are 4 to a room so its hard to fall asleep sometimes and there are noises from the TV and other areas. I haven't rested since I have been here.
I can get real silly.
We have a code name we have to use if we we are out and have to come back in.
The other night I was talking about something and then said my name hesitated a few seconds and then said the code name just as we have to use it here. They all started cracking up. So now my new last name is this word and I was triple dogged dared to use it on a sign up sheet for a grou[p and I did it. I remarkably didn't get into trouble yet.
Then we also have to punch in # and a number so I told this one gal when we got out I would call her and say " Margaret ---; # and the #.
We all laughed for about 5 minutes. I know its not as funny to anyone else; you had to be there.
Anyway, its time for our delightful evening meal.
I would really hate to miss it!!
The other night it was a baked potato. We imagined meat and veggies with it.
So everyone take care and keep me in your prayers.

The computer system here is terrible. It can take literally an hour to get my E-mail and send one off. That is if all goes well.
The holidays are past and like growing up it was dysfunctional!
There are all kinds here. The " shelter hoppers " are the ones I like the least. They are liars, manipulators, lazy, etc.
There are a few women here who demonstrate so much courage I am humbled to know them.
they are here in protective custody from other states. you would know it as the witness protection program.
One family has been in shelters for 2 years and another that I know of for 7 months.
The life stories of these families is horrendous. Small children have seen so much horror.
One very small child barely in school attempted suicide.
Satan knows no bounds to steal, kill and destroy.
I am the oldest one here and some have tried to adopt me as " Mom ". I have to tell them I have 4 of my own and I am here because of the consequences of my own actions.
All I can tell them is here is what I've done, this was the outcome and this is what I think I should have done different.
Some have wanted to call me a friend.
as i told them we are not friends. Twio weeks ago i didn't know you and you didn't know me. In a few weeks max we will leave here and maybe never see each other again.
There are a couple that I've said we are maybe begining to develpo a friendship but it is so far from that now.
I told one girl one night that how did she know that what I said my name was was really my name?
I could be Susy Smith and just got out of prison for murder. She really didn't know.
I want them to stop and think.
Part of the reason I am here is I was too trusting over my lifetime. Looking for something from an outside source that I should have found inside me.
Many times when the drama starts I have to to stand up and say " my name ain't Wes and I ain't in this mess."
I have never not known abuse. I was born into it.
That is why it was hard to recognize it as it was. It looked normal to me.
The capacity for human beings to hurt each other knows no bounds.
I am learning that love may hurt but it should never harm.
I didn't know there was a difference.
I went through the county mental health system and I am now on a waiting list that can take 6 months to 2 years until my # comes up.
If I were to get real bad I would be sent to the state mental hospital which has horror stories because it is a forensics hospital.
It is archaic.
That is scary.
So far I am doing prety good considering.
I know my symptoms and am watching them carefully.
I also believe my God can open doors that would otherwise be shut.
i am daily trying to find alternatives to this mental health system.
In this state if you are indigent mental health care is almost nonexistent. Primary health care is a tad better but not by much.
For welcoming in the New Year the kids were allowed to stay up and I organized a bunny hop through the house. We had 3 new intakes that had come in around 11. I got them and there kids to hop too!
They probably wondered what they had gotten into!
It was a purely impulsive manic thing to do but it didn't harm anyone.
We all have chores here and as in any " fmily " there are the ones who try to not do theirs.
there is one woman here who will really speak her mind. She doesn't let them get away with it.
Cigarette bumming or trying to " borrow " money is another big manipulation factor here.
We have a real thief among us. We know who it is we just can't catch her in the act.
but everyone is on to her.
We have had a few who have been " exited ". That's there soft way of saying kicked out.
When you are exited you have one hour to be out and they don't care where you end up. You aren't their problem.
Its pretty strict. I worry that I am going to do something impulsive in a manic state and end up on the street.
A person would be hard pressed to follow anything like the Atkins Diet here. I have never seen such a gathering of carbohydrates as I have here,
I am not ungrateful.
I am thankful to have something to eat.Sometimes there isn't enough but we always make sure the kids get first. again, the manipulators don't care.
The staff that helps us get a lot of the paperwork to get a place or other resources has been out since before I got here. They are supposed to be back Monday.
What little I accomplished I kind of figured out on my own through trial and error.
I will be glad when i no longer have to be here.
I don't understand the people who do this all the time.
So, now I will have a little cheese with my whine!
I hope everyone's holidays were great and wish everyone a blessed New year.
Thanks for the encouraging comments and PLEASE keep me in your prayers.